My ex of 3 months are going to have lunch tommorrow

[ufoureah]

I do not know if you recall my story, but I choked mty ex in April in a rage because she was withholding sex to feel in control. I was diagnosed with AD/HD last month and am on Ritalin.. Iam attending anger management classes and have learned that iam responsible for my happiness.

I have taken on hiking here in the Pacific NW have lost 25 lbs, am buff and bought a piano and have started learning for the first time./ Iam still seeing my counselor and have left my ex alone. She calls once in a while to check up on my dad when he had surgery last week and she wanted to go kayaking with me.

I have not begged, pleaded or stalked. She owes me about $3500 and she said she mailed me a check for $1000, which I never received.. I just told her I didn't receive it and did not bug her about it. She still has some of my things and I have not asked.. Iam really working on me, behaviour management with my AD/HD and titrating my Ritalin. I have noticed a significant difference now and have a hold somewhat of my impulse control.

I still love her terribly but I know she needs space to figure stuff out, whether she could ever trust me again etc etc.

Iam meeting her for lunch tomorrow.. any ideas.

I am hoping to go with no expectations whatsoever, but I woulkd lie to you if I said That I didn't want to see a glimpse as to how she feels.

I know the door is not closed, but it is barely open.

I have never done this transitioned from a relationship where we were going to spend the rest of our lives together to this situational rage/ abuse thing to now trying to be friends..

Iam a bit nervous I may freak her out.. what do we talk about?

I don't want to sound like a pity party and just because I have AD/HD does not excuse me from what I did.. But I know I have a second chance at life and controlling my behaviour in the future.

I would lie to learn how I can become her friend and eventually later on when we are ready, I know it will take lots of time, maybe we can date again and start fresh.

Thank you for listening..

I know Iam extremely lucky she still wants to talk to me.

Any help would help me make the friend transition...

FYI, Iam a woman too.

Thank you

D...

[kskm]

It sounds to me like you have done a lot of work on yourself which is soo great. I am very glad for you. It takes stong character to own up to wrong doings and actually take steps to fix them- good job!

 

My best advise would be to go with the flow. Be calm, cool and collected. Do not EXPECT anything- if you go in expecting nothing then you can not be let down. Go have a nice lunch, try not to dig into the past, talk about now.... and what's changed- and more importantly why they've changed.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[arwen]

I think kskm is right. It is great you were able to look at yourself and see where there were needs for improvement-- looks like you did a great job in making life better for yourself.

 

Take it slow, remember that the basis of any relationship is friendship, so why not see where it goes from there?

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[reflectionlessmirror]

My own opinion is that the only way you are ever going to replace her trust is time. Anyone can SAY they have changed, you must SHOW her you have. You can control your temper now so do so. Be respectful! Show her the respect and admiration you have for her. I cant imagine how i would feel if someone had tried to choke me. Can you? Put yourself in her shoes, imagine what it would take to win YOU back, and do it! P.S> If SHE ever brings it up then you must appologize as sincere as you feel.

[ufoureah]

So how do I do it?? . I have never really had a friend who stuck around because I have always been weird.. pretty sad ha? I have had partners who where love at first sight. Iam very good looking, foreign, have lots of travel experience and am classy, confident and have it together financially. and they just fell for me. I have AD/HD and all this stuff is so new for me. Eventhough I have it all together I lackthe skills to be someone's friend... Please help.

Thank you.

I really want to be her friend first and have a foundation, rather than an emeshed relationship. We had love at first sight, sex in a week and moved in a year later. I have no patience (AD/HD and am working on that too)

D...

[ufoureah]

I have apologized profusely, and continue to do so.. I own my misbehaviour. I don't care what kind of chemical imbalance I have in my brain. I did this to the person I love with all my heart and Iam so sorry. I cannot imagine how afraid she must feel.

I just cannot imagine that at all.

Iam the luckiest person alive to have the opprtunity to even speak to her.

And she has kids...

I am future tripping, but How do I ever face them again. I have betrayed them too. her daughter was in room next door and heard everything, she is 14. her son is 22 and told his mom he was done with me. Iam so sick about this when I think about this...

When I go to lunch, do I even bring it up.. she is probably so sick about hearing it.. I want to talk about neutral stuff.

What do you think.. I was going to go out of town this weekend on a hike trip, but I strained my ankle,and have a hairline fracture iam staying in town and have nothing else planned.

Can I ask her to go to a blues show or go kayaking on Sunday or do I just tell her that my trip fell thru and have her decide to ask me out... she planned on going kayaking with me last Sunday., but a stomach virus had her puking all weekend. so she cancelled

I didn't make a big deal about it. Maybe she changed her mind, she was the one who asked to go, but she probably got afraid, which is fine with me. I know she is testing me, and I know I am treating her with respect, I do not whine if she cancels etc etc.and am giving her time until she is comfortable.

If she cancels again tomorrow I just go with it..

oh well.

D...

[reflectionlessmirror]

LISTEN to others and consider their feelings as well as your own. Alot of times preople who have trouble keeping friends are too self centered. My sister is this way and people get sick of hearing all her drama.

[kskm]

My best advise would be to go with the flow. Be calm, cool and collected. Do not EXPECT anything- if you go in expecting nothing then you can not be let down. Go have a nice lunch, try not to dig into the past, talk about now.... and what's changed- and more importantly why they've changed

[arwen]

I think the most important thing is to avoid displaying any expectations for more than a friendship.

 

Ilse.

[xixilovergirlxixi]

take this advice from someone with add ritalin will not help you at all

[ufoureah]

actually, I have an extra letter actually, I have hyperactivity too and iam actually doing great.. iam taking care of myself and Iam not really focussing on getting her back. my life is full and if she decides to come back, we wil do stuff totally different. I made lots of mistakes, have not listened , have been impulsive and impatient. The ritalin is helping me focus and Iam doing behaviour control, anger management and am seeing a therapist plus working out everyday, keeping my Dopamine levels high so that I can be ok..I hike about 15 miles on Saturday and Sunday each . Iam happy and whatever happens happens. My anxiety b4 was because I didn't think I could manage alone.. I have gone thru hell and back in the last 3 months, Iam still alive, in the best shape ever, have the most friends ever, iam doing so many incredible things for me.. only and my dad.. everything else is icing on the cake.. Her leaving me was the best thing that ever happened to me. If we get back together for the things we like to do great.. I have a feeling I have sorted out my life more than she has and that is her problem. I just want to feel normal, be able to function properly and never physically hurt anyone else like that agan.

D...

[xixilovergirlxixi]

oh i didnt no u had adhd im sorry

[ufoureah]

went to lunch.. she wAS CHECking me out told me how good I looked. I looked her in the eyes she looked away. We talked about all kinds of other things, not our relationship. it sounds to me that she is doing the same stuff she was doing before and I am really finding my way. I can tell that she is still sexually attracted to me and. I just looked her in the eyes extremely confident, not sad, not whiney, funny and normal, like I was meeting a friend for lunch.

she was breathing really weird, like she was uncomfortable.. very weird. I kept it together.. I said at one point.. shouldn't we get you back and she said.. oh not yet, I have time.. and then I finally after 10 minutes I said.. I have got to go. At her job I gave her a hug and she hugged me but kind of backed away and she walked into her work like she had it together but I know she was dying.. Iam a changed person.. Iam so glad I went she has not done a thing for herself and that makes me sad, But Iam doing for me and she looks different now. Now that iam on meds, iam not so scattered and Iam in control.. It feels good. the ball is in my court now, she is stuck in avoidance. why do I want to be with anyone who doesn't think they are wortyh taking care of themselstuff. I knowves. She is hanging out with this girl from work and she is trying really hard to get me to be jealous. unfortunately she is not succeeding. Oh well. she has a few friends who are telling her all kinds of stuff Iam sure. I know how she feels. she'll just have to live with it forever.

Iam now starting NC and if she calls Iam not available.

I cannot believe that eventhough she found out I have a disorder, that she doesn't even ask how Iam doing on my new meds etc etc.

Iam very hurt and feel very abandoned in that aspect.

D...