we weren't compatable 100% and I grew unhappy

[hiddenID]

I know these posts can get loooong. I'll be brief and to the point. But please, I need your advice and total honesty. I am a strong person and can accept if I am completely in the wrong.

 

24 years old, male, college graduate, have been dating a 21 year old girl, in her last year of school, for a few days more than a year.

 

48 hours ago, we broke up. It was my decision and I guess you could say I "dumped" her because breaking up was not something she wanted to do. In the past month I realized that I could not marry the person I was with and was no longer happy. Marriage had not been discussed, it was just a realization that I would not be happy spending the rest of my life with her. Our relationship wasn't bad, but wasn't great. It was good and fairly routine, however.

 

We had differences in personalities that seemed to bother me more than her. I'm naturally a sensitive person and very sweet, always taking into consideration my partner's feelings and generally happy doing anything together. She, on the other hand, is extremely sarcastic and says words like "I hate you" and "you're a total {insult here}" all the time, but claims to always be joking. I'm never right, she always is, and most of what I find enjoyable and happy, she openly claims "is stupid." There are more little personality problems (she gets irritated with me instantly and I can never be myself as a result), but I'm trying to keep it short.

 

But these differences aside, we have a lot in common and enjoy each other tremendously. But with my realizations and loss of happiness, I stopped being affectionate. To compensate, she started lavishing the attention on me trying to get some in return, which I recognized and further depressed me. And I committed a terrible action in a relationship, I didn't tell her I felt this way. I didn't want to feel this way, I wanted everything to be perfect again, so I didn't want to bring it up. I hoped my feelings would go away or right themselves.

 

So, we broke up in the middle of a fight, but I do want to be apart. I care about her more than anything still, though. I hate the fact she's crying and calling me a "horrible person" for doing this to her. She tells me that I'll "never be happy ever again" because she "is the best thing I'll ever have." And I'm scared and worried.

 

Did I do the right thing, or am I a horrible person? I didn't want this. I didn't want to hurt her. I just found too much grief in our differences, despite all the great things (this has been the best relationship I've ever had). I don't want to keep hurting her by making her feel like she needs to keep desperately giving affection. I feel like we just weren't compatable 100% and as a result, I grew unhappy and it led to this.

 

This has turned longer than I wanted it, so I hope someone has read it through. And I know it's difficult to give insight, but I would appreciate it. I feel horrible and I'm unsure of myself. I just need your help, please...

[bzborow1]

Sounds to me like you're doing the right thing. If you've come to the realization that you don't see a future with her, you're only punishing her by staying with her. It will be hard, because breakups are never easy, unless you're heartless. As for her, I think perhaps some time away from each other would be best. It will help her clear her head and move on, as well as yourself. That's not to say you can't still end up friends, just not now.

[hiddenID]

She's told me that because I'm doing this to her, we'll never speak again. I know that a lot of what she is saying comes from hurt and feelings of betrayal. But it still plays on the fact I'm unsure of myself and upset.

 

Is it fair to have done what I did? Or should I have tried to work harder at making things right, as she tells me now that she "spent every day trying to make me happy" and to fix the problems in the relationship. She says I gave up. And while to some extent I did, it comes from my understanding that she simply isn't someone I feel I can marry.

 

I just need insight, the more the better. It's funny that you say "unless your heartless, breakups are never easy." I feel terrible, but even as she is crying her eyes out, all I can say is "I'm sorry, so sorry" with dry eyes. I DO feel TERRIBLE and I mean it when I'm more sorry than I have ever been. But I feel a sense of relaxation and comfort knowing that the relationship is not continuing... that she doesn't have to keep hopelessly searching for my affection, that I have a future that still can be happy with someone, and that the disappointment with the relationship is gone.

 

I wish I didn't have to do this to her... this isn't what I want to do to her...

[luvsick41]

wow.......u sound like me and my ex-girlfriend.......first off, u did the right thing.........now, this is for everyone reading thise.......no one is right, and no one should ever be wrong in a relationship.........finger pointing will only lead to more fights......i mean, deciding who is right or wrong, and who will take the blaim is not healthy.........that was a abd sign, that you were always WRONG................secondly.......her saying everything u like to do is stupid, WHAT..........hello, if my wife told me everything i like is stupid, i wouldnt feel to good, and i dont think i would want to be with her..........when u love and care for someone, u dont say anything they do is stupid, stupid should never enter the relationship, that is a negative word, for real............second bad sign.......and lastly, what u mentioned first, her saying "i hate you" - and "u are a total (@*#" - well, even if she says she is joking..........it isnt too funny...........a wise person once said there is 20% truth to every joke, think about it.........she might just say it is a joke when she sees it hurt your feelings...........hey, u pulled out right in the nick of time.......i am sure u wish u could care for her more, but with these things happening it is hard to want to be with the parson.........good job, u arent wrong, but i do think u should tell her exactly why u broke up with her, it mgith help the both of you, and who knows, when u tell her, she might feel horrible and change for the better...........1

[hiddenID]

It's comforting to know that someone else saw some "bad" signs too, and that my decision wasn't completely in the wrong.

 

But I do know that there is fault to my end of this stuation as well... I appreciate your advice!

[kinatra]

Dude all I can say is click on my profile and read some of my posts in the last couple weeks since my break up of 4 half years. I never was ready to get married to my gal but I prolonged the inevitable because we had a lot in common and I loved her; however, I never had the thought that I wanted to marry this girl because of differences in our personalities. Like you I consider myself a very sweet and caring person, don't get me wrong my girlfriend is too, but in some respects she was insensitive. Also, we had very different political views and she was 5 years oldeir than me. The long and short of it is....I question everyday but it's reassuring to read people who are in the same spot as I was in. Like you, she was crying while all I could say was "I am sorry, I am sorry" with a sad but dry face. This girl made me happy, but she was alos stressing me out and above all I was not ready to marry her or give her a ring..... Anyway, be interested to talk more about this.....we did the right thing!

 

K

[chocos]

Well, then again, could i ask you how do you know if anyone is 100% compatible may i know??

 

To me, unless, you have not been faithful, you wouldn't have done that

[chocos]

Another thing.. have you told her how you felt in the process? If not, you are not being fair to her. Whenever, you are unhappy, you should probably bring it up to her or else she would not know anything.

 

Honesty is the key factor in a good relationship. So you should tell her how you really feel than just telling her you want to call it quits.

 

Take care and i do hope you make the right decision. Don't just run away from things that are not going your way. Turn it around to make it the best for the both of you. Remember that it would not be hard on yourself, but you must also spare a thought for her.. it wouldn't be easy on her part as well

[GreenGold]

Hey

 

I feel for you. I am in a very similar position. I guess I am writing this as much for myself (to clear my own thoughts) as I am writing this to try and empathise with you.

 

Firstly, I think that you did the right thing. If you knew deep-down that it was not going to work, it is better to let it go sooner than later. It would be much harder for both of you if you let the relationship drag out until there is nothing positive left emotionally, and you two are only together because you both are scared of being without each other (need vs. want).

 

Also, though she might hurt really badly now, you are in fact doing her a favour. A relationship that one person doesn't want to be in can not be, by definition, good. Not to rationalise it but I think that a relationship must be consensually mutual. If you don't want to marry this girl, you are letting her go to get on with her life. As hard as it may be to hear (for me as well) she will be better off and happier with someone who really is 100% compatible with her.

 

As for the guilt. I think, as a nice guy, it is really hard to hurt somebody. I think that you have to remember that 1) she will get over you and the relationship; 2) you have to look after yourself first, if you are not happy in the relationship, there is no way you can possibly make her happy with the relationship; 3) the guilt will pass with time. As cliché as it sounds, time is the best medicine. It cures all.

 

I sincerely hope that you are well and try not to let it get you too down when you think of her.

[kinatra]

I supported you previously and I still do; just so hard to be without her. There were some big things that we didn't agree on but there were big things we did. I miss her so much.... Not easy meeting new people. I am an extrovert but....I just long for her sometimes and want to call her. But I have broken up with her twice and she needs to move on with her life...away from the pain I have caused her heart.