pizzachick13 Posted July 26, 2005 Author Share Posted July 26, 2005 I talked to my teacher today about taking a few days off to go and see my baby, but it wasn't them who said no. They said that it would be fine forme to take some time off... it was my mum who said no. I told her what my teacher said and how much I missed her but she said that school is very important for me right now and that I've just moved schools and I'm still settling in so it might not be a good idea for me to get out of the routine. I miss her so bad. And I've also failed her. 1 month down the drain, I scratched the skin off my wrist today. A few layers actually. I had an itch on my wrist and so, of course, I scratched at it. 30 minutes later I was still scratching and I had blood on my wrist and skin under my fingernail. It's so sore and I feel so stupid. I shouldn't have done it and now I feel like a complete idiot. Sappho... Link to comment
Tigris Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Sapphos, I'm sorry I wasn't in today when you needed to talk. I wish I had been it would have been a better day than I've had. I've been in court from 09.00 - 17.00 and I didn't win my case! I cried most of the time I was there. I couldn't help it I suffer from depression and I was under stress. I fell down in 2002 and banged my head and knocked myself out! The Council said the footpath was ok, but it was broken. They won the case! Anyway getting back to you. You haven't let your girlfriend down at all! You didn't cut yourself. So you scratched a lot and made yourself bleed. I agree you still hurt yourself, but it can't have been as bad. We'll put that down to a minor setback. I'm presuming your mother knows your gay. Has she met your girlfriend? Do they get on ok? (Does she have a nickname? We've been talking that long I feel like I know you, but it feels strange not referring to her by name.) Why did you change schools? Can your girlfriend visit you instead? Looking forward to your reply. Link to comment
Tigris Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Sapphos, you can PM me anytime you want. Doesn't matter what you want to talk about. Take care Link to comment
Tigris Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 I haven't heard from you. Are you okay? Link to comment
pizzachick13 Posted July 27, 2005 Author Share Posted July 27, 2005 You can call my gf Tori I guess. She'll sooner rather than later tell me if it's wrong to call her that I miss her so bad My mum hasn't exactly met my gf but she has seen photo's and just last night saw her on webcam while I was on the phone. She likes her a lot cos she took care of me while we were together the last time. I changed schools because I moved away from my home wtih my dad and stepmother and the sister and moved in with my real mum. So I've had to get into a routine of going to a school that is much bigger than my last one, which is a little strange to me. I've made a lot of new friends though which is a plus. My gf can visit but what it was supposed to be was that cos she came down the first time then I'd go up there and then she'd come down here when she gets her week off work and then I'd go up there in my school holidays. That way we're both making the same amount of effort to see each other. And I really want to see her, but my mum has said no and it's final. ugh. Sappho... P.S. Sorry for making you worry Tigris, I just haven't gotten onto Enotalone and been able to post in a while. Link to comment
Tigris Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 No problem. It's just that I've got used to you being there and didn't like to think I'd missed you. I wondered if you were ok. Am I right in thinking another day conquered? Have you told Tori about me? How old is she? What sort of job does she do? What's the dates of her holiday? How is she? England's school holidays have already started they last for 6 weeks. How do yours work? Looking forward to your reply. Take care. P.S. You don't have to post on here you can email me on debsflatman@tiscali.co.uk anytime. All you have to say is 'I'm ok'. Link to comment
pumkin_fairy Posted July 28, 2005 Share Posted July 28, 2005 well done that is really great!!! how can you be so strong? i admire you!! jen xxx Link to comment
Tigris Posted July 28, 2005 Share Posted July 28, 2005 How many more years have you got to do at school? Have you thought about what you're going to do for a job? How are you doing? (I'm not worried just curious!) Take care of yourself. Give my love to Tori. Link to comment
pizzachick13 Posted July 29, 2005 Author Share Posted July 29, 2005 thanks pumkin_fairy. i don't know how i am strong, i don't even think i am strong i mostly just think that the biggest reason i haven't is because of my girl. she has given me all the strength and support i the world and i'd be a blithering mess without her. and thankyou Tigris for your email address. i'll be sure to email you sometime but yeah, apart from thinking about cutting just about everyday i'm doing good. Sappho... Link to comment
Tigris Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 You're welcome Sappho. You're doing great. Take care and give my love to Tori. Link to comment
pizzachick13 Posted July 30, 2005 Author Share Posted July 30, 2005 hmm, i think i'm doing better. today i went and sought professional help and i am getting some. i think this is a good thing. my gf is proud of me for going and doing it, but i'm not sure if i now want it. i did before, but now i'm thinking i did the wrong thing. did i? Sappho... Link to comment
pumkin_fairy Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 Well only you can no if you have done the wrong thing. maybe give it a little time? it might prove to be something that really helps you. good luck jen xxx Link to comment
Tigris Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 WELL DONE SAPPHO!!! YOU'RE THE BEST!!! I'M BURSTING WITH PRIDE!!! You've taken responsibility for yourself, that's the first step! Finally, I don't know if you believe in the spirit world? I do, because I've been visited by floating orbs, etc! Before you go to sleep at night lie quietly, relax and visualise angels. (Don't worry, they won't show themselves until they know you are ready! And they don't appear on command either. Open yourself to their healing powers! How do you think I got better! We all have a Guardian Angel. Some people call it a Spirit Guide. It's there to help us. It is not allowed to force its wishes upon us, we have to reach out and take them! Here's some angels to visualise on until you believe in yours!!! Love always. P.S. Whilst I emailed you the other day I asked them to send you healing powers! Some people may laugh! Here's something that happened whilst I visited a 68 year old lady. Her family were methodists but for some reason unknown, her mother was guided by the spiritual world. She could read tea leaves, etc. All of her predicitons came true! She never took any money for doing it because to her it was a gift from God! Her daughter receives messages through dreams but doesn't always understand them! The grand daughter also gets messages through dreams! I was sitting just talking to her in general when she suddenly said can you feel something? What do you mean? Tell me how you feel. I said I felt like I was being filled with a wonderful feeling. It is as though I'm being cuddled on the inside as well as the outside. The room feels as though all the happiness in the world has just been placed here. I can't hear what's going on in the outside world. It's as though we've been placed in a sound proofed room! It's you who's doing that! But I'm not doing anything! I began to panic a bit and the room returned to normal! I was disappointed when the feeling left me! She told me I was special and I should work on it. From that moment when this lady had trouble with dreams she'd ask me what I thought they meant. Suddenly (as though someone had 'clicked' their fingers), I would give her the answer. ***Probably there are still people who don't believe. I think I'll start a new topic and see what other people have to say about it. *** Link to comment
pizzachick13 Posted July 31, 2005 Author Share Posted July 31, 2005 i guess i'll just have to wait and see if it's the right thing for me. everyone says that it will help meand i'll be a better person for it and i'll stop the need to cut totally. Tigris, i read dreams and i am -somewhat- a witch. i've found that i can do some things that no one else can and it's kinda scary but it's who i am. (PM me if you want to know more) so yeah, i do believe you. i know what it's like to not be believed though. Sappho... Link to comment
Tigris Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 Hi Sappho, hope you're ok. Tell me about your dreams. I'm dying to know? Take care of yourself. Love always. Give my love to Tori. Keep smiling. Link to comment
pizzachick13 Posted August 1, 2005 Author Share Posted August 1, 2005 my dreams? well, i can't explain them. they're too complex to explain. i might email you. i always take care of myself, except for last night. i cut 13 identical cuts onto my left arm. they hurt a lot and i feel like a complete *beep* for doing it. i just couldn't stop thinking about it. and then i remembered i had a sharpener in my pencil case so i undid it all and got the blade out of it and started cutting. this morning i got a call form one of my friends from school cos he was worried about me and i told him what i'd done and he told me not to go to school but i couldn't just tak the day off. i told my girlfriend too. i feel like i've let her down so much. she was so proud of me for not cutting and for abstaining but now i have cut this much i feel like she's going to hate me. can she ever forgive me? Sappho... Link to comment
Moore Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 Sappho you g/f is not going to hate you. From what I know about her she loves you so much that hate is non existent. You need to ease up on yourself. No one here believes you are a failure. Each and everyone of us are thrilled with the accomplishment you have made. Trying to stop was never going to be easy. You must realise that there are going to be days like this. I know that you are disappointed in yourself but you must not let this stop you from trying again. I look forward to seeing how far you can go without cutting this time. Take care Link to comment
pizzachick13 Posted August 2, 2005 Author Share Posted August 2, 2005 i know that you say that she doesn't hate me and that no one believes i am a failure, but it is how i feel because i have failed to stop cutting. i have been trying so hard to stop and it just isn't good enough. i always go back, which is what i don't understand. i hate it so much and yet it seems i can't live without it. Moore, you are right. stopping isn't easy and i'm so thankful for everyone who has supported me, especially my gf because i love her so much and she means the world to me... but i feel as though everything i try to do just isn't good enough. i feel like such a bad person for needing to go back to it, but what's even more scary is that i wanted it. Sappho... Link to comment
pizzachick13 Posted August 3, 2005 Author Share Posted August 3, 2005 hey Tigris, do you remember when you asked if my avatar was me? well, i remembered who it was. it's Shiva from Final Fantasy i remember now Sappho... Link to comment
Lost1n7heDark Posted August 4, 2005 Share Posted August 4, 2005 Seriously, I'm very happy that you've done so well! Keep it up! Stay strong!! Link to comment
Tigris Posted August 6, 2005 Share Posted August 6, 2005 Why did you change your avatar? I'm disappointed now! I'm still waiting to hear about those dreams, etc. you promised me. How are you doing? I came very close to hurting myself badly last night! During the last few weeks I have been reopening 3 small places on my right shoulder above my tattoo. So as you can see it happens to me as well! Nobody's perfect! If I had plenty of money I'd go and get another tattoo. That's a better way of hurting myself. I get the pain and I get the pleasure afterwards! A few weeks ago I went out and got two cartilage piercings. Now I've got three. Let me know how you are doing. Love always. Tigris P.S. Still working on getting MSN. Link to comment
pizzachick13 Posted August 6, 2005 Author Share Posted August 6, 2005 hey Tigris. i wanted to change my avatar cos i felt the other one was getting old. besides, i like the saying "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" and that's what the avatar is supposed to represent, even though i don't see my beauty but still. i will tell you abut dreams and such at some point, i've just been really busy as of late with school and medical problems and stuff like that. what's your tattoo of? i want to get the playboy bunny on my right hip when i'm old but i'm not sure. i also want to get my tongue peirced but that's for a whole other reason. my gf can figure that out, i'm sure what would you get as another tattoo? it is a better way of hurting yourself but then again you can't always have to money to go and do it can you? i hope things are going ok for you. things are ok for me even though my back is still aching and i haven't yet made an appointment for my new counsellor... hmm, i should get around to doing that.. i guess i'm just a little scared any ideas on how to conquer that fear? Sappho... Link to comment
Tigris Posted August 7, 2005 Share Posted August 7, 2005 If you're getting your tongue pierced can I change places with Tori? Link to comment
pizzachick13 Posted August 8, 2005 Author Share Posted August 8, 2005 OMG... sorry but no. she's all mine... i wouldn't give her up for anyone. i love her too much for that. Sappho... Link to comment
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