pizzachick13 Posted July 14, 2005 Author Share Posted July 14, 2005 27 days... still counting... damn i feel like crap... i want these days to go fast Sappho... Link to comment
Moore Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 You know you can do it Sappho. Everyone is behind you 100%. I've spoken to your gf and she is so proud of your accomplishment. You are already a winner in her eyes. She loves you no matter what. All of us here are cheering you on. You have become an inspiration for others dealing with the sames issue. You are proof that with a little determination and alot of support and patients nothing is impossible. I take my hat off to you. Link to comment
pizzachick13 Posted July 15, 2005 Author Share Posted July 15, 2005 29... almost there and thankyou so much Moore for your comment... you have no idea what it means... and how did you get that information about my gf? lol. thanks much anyways. it's good to know that i have people aroundme supporting me can't wait for my trip... going to be lots of fun Sappho... Link to comment
imagi Posted July 16, 2005 Share Posted July 16, 2005 By the time you read this it'll be 30 days hopefully. congrats! You should be really proud of yourself. Link to comment
pizzachick13 Posted July 17, 2005 Author Share Posted July 17, 2005 1 MONTH!!!!!! I DID IT!!!!!! A FULL MONTH!!!!!! Now i'm going for two months... who's with me??? btw, thankyou so much to everyone who has posted on this thread... your support has meant the world to me... I would also like to especially thank Moore, who has been a very great friend and also has the best contact with my gf... who has been the greatest in supporting me and for that i would give her my life Sappho... Link to comment
Moore Posted July 18, 2005 Share Posted July 18, 2005 Congratulations!!!! You did it. We knew you could do it. You may have stumbled at the start but you kept on looking forward and made your goal. Well done. We will wait to hear from you when you make the 2 month mark. Link to comment
pizzachick13 Posted July 20, 2005 Author Share Posted July 20, 2005 ok, 1 month and 3 days... god i need it... i mean really... i thought i could stop but i see the knife in front of me and it's all i can think about... it's all i want... *beep* i shouldn't be feeling like this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sappho... Link to comment
Tigris Posted July 21, 2005 Share Posted July 21, 2005 Sappho YOU'VE STOPPED FOR A MONTH YOU CAN DO THIS! TRUST ME. I discovered I'd been doing a form of self harming all my life and my family didn't realise, (I'm 41). Last year I did a lot of damage to my right arm and since I wear T-shirts a lot it was more noticeable. It looks like bruising but the scars will never go away! All my family including my husband would say was stop it. They didn't understand. I talked to my G.P. who already knew about the depression and the stress I had been under since 1999. He referred me to a psychiatrist. I discovered my problems were due to things that had happened in the past that I hadn't dealt with properly and as the years went by problems added to the list. This year I haven't self harmed at all! The first thing you've got to do is think about why you do it. I did it because I was angry with myself! Most people think we do it for attention! Once you've got that straight in your head go and talk to your G.P. DON'T think it'll go away. It doesn't, it's got to be dealt with now! I know it's difficult but trust me. Good Luck Link to comment
Tigris Posted July 21, 2005 Share Posted July 21, 2005 What's wrong? What's causing you to do this? Talk to me. If you think you're going to do it go and see your parents, friends or girlfriend. DON'T BE ALONE! That's the worst thing you can do. My problem was I didn't feel loved even though I have a loving husband and family. It's not that they don't love me it's just my brain made me think that! If you don't talk to people then we can't help you! Keep your chin up! Deborah Link to comment
pizzachick13 Posted July 21, 2005 Author Share Posted July 21, 2005 i know what makes me do it... i don't like it but i know... i remembered not long ago actually my continuous rape from age 8 up until about 12 or 13 by my sister... plus i was also sexually assulted by a guy in my class when i was about 14... the assult was basically what made me start to remember. i also feel like no one cares... no one at all... but i guess i am entirely wrong about that since i have many people around me who are always saying exactly how much they care and showing it too... i guess i really have a hard time trusting those around me, no matter the circumstances... does this help Tigris? Sappho... Link to comment
Tigris Posted July 21, 2005 Share Posted July 21, 2005 Sappho, I care and I don't even know you! I understand a lot of what you're going through, but not all of it. At 13 I was in a brass band. I loved playing music on my cornet, (that's like a trumpet). The man who took us home always made sure he dropped me off last. That was when he would try and touch me! I was always running away from his car! This went on for months until I told my parents! When I was 22 and in another brass band another man tried to do the same. Although I was now older and should've been able to handle the situation, I couldn't. Unfortunately, I became that 13 year old girl again! I also had another unwanted admirer who was trying to kiss me. My future father-in-law (68 years old)! I felt trapped and didn't know who to turn to! I nearly had a nervous breakdown! All I could think was 'It must be me! I'm doing something to encourage these people!' Eventually, I asked one of the older men in the brass band (he was like an adopted grandad. I trusted him 100%), if I treated the person any different to the rest of the men. He said I treated them all the same! That problem was solved! Unfortunately, it was 4 years later when the other problem was solved! Sapphos, you are not to blame! You were only 8 years old! You didn't question what was being done to you because you didn't know it was wrong. When you were older you probably felt threatened and embarrassed. It wasn't your fault! When you were being sexually assaulted you didn't know what to do! You were vulnerable. Again, it wasn't your fault. You are not to blame! Like me you reverted back to the younger person. The guilt and shame is theirs! Have you ever talked to your sister and asked why? Does your parents know about it? Do they know you self harm? IMPORTANT - You need to see a counsellor urgently! You probably need tablets for a while (like I did) to help you to get back on track. Your girlfriend/friends can only support you to a certain standard. They care a lot about you and will give you 100% support, however, you could end up draining them of their happiness, energy, etc. I promise it will get better. Trust me! Love always Deborah Link to comment
Tigris Posted July 21, 2005 Share Posted July 21, 2005 Sapphos, When you see your mother or anyone else using a knife get out of the room immediately! Try and keep your mind off sharp objects! Have you got any hobbies? I can think of one - making love to your girlfriend! lol. Hope that put a smile on your face. Don't forget the endorphins released when making love can help you to feel better! Here's my email address debsflatman@tiscali.co.uk I'd like you and your girlfriend to use it. She needs support too. My computer keeps overheating so I'm taking it to get an extra fan put in tomorrow. Don't worry, I've got a friend that can keep an eye on my emails for me. It shouldn't take too long to fix! Link to comment
pizzachick13 Posted July 22, 2005 Author Share Posted July 22, 2005 Have you ever talked to your sister and asked why? I do that and she will certainly kill me. She's tried it before and succeeded once; I was pronounced dead but something happened and I started breathing again. She tried to kill me many ways after that, including hitting me over the head with the oar from a canoe, strangling me, suffocating me with a pillow, stabbing me... the list goes on. I'd be here forever if I tried to write down every single way she's tried to kill me. And then there were times when she was only hurting me which was just hitting, kicking, punching, slapping, biting... anything she could do she would do. I'm not going to ever say anything to her. I do and I'm dead. Does your parents know about it? No and they won't... not ever. Do they know you self harm? No, and again they won't. My mum knows I used to years ago but she thought I stopped and that's bad enough. I'm not telling them that I've only just stopped for over a month. They'll be mad at me. Have you got any hobbies? I can think of one - making love to your girlfriend! I really would but we live too far apart. It's a LDR, which is really starting to bug me to put it mildly. I miss her so bad I don't know how much more of this I can take. Sappho... Link to comment
Tigris Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 You need to get away from your parents house as soon as possible! And definitely away from your sister! The ideal solution is to go and live with your girlfriend. Is that possible? How far away does she live? Link to comment
Tigris Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 Are you still at school/college or do you work? I don't know anything about Australia, I live in England. Keep your chin up! Link to comment
pizzachick13 Posted July 24, 2005 Author Share Posted July 24, 2005 You need to get away from your parents house as soon as possible! And definitely away from your sister! The ideal solution is to go and live with your girlfriend. Is that possible? How far away does she live? I've already left my parents house and am now living with my real mum a fair way away. I can't go and live with my girlfriend cos she lives 2 states away from me, and also I'm still at school. I would do anything to move away from where I am, even though I'm doing a lot better, and move into her place but I can't. I haven't cut now for quite some time, I think about 1 month and 7 days, but I still feel the urge quite bad. Even tonight I was speaking to my girlfriend on the phone and I needed to cut myself. I could feel my body starting to overtake me and make me cut myself but I just kept speaking to her. I didn't stop talking at all and now the urge has reduced. I still want it slightly but not as much as before. I know I can't do this on my own and that I should get some professional help but I truly don't know how to go about it. I don't want to have to give in and say, "alright, I can't do this on my own anymore". I feel like I'm losing if I admit that I need help. I know that I'm not but I feel like I am. Does anyone else feel like this? Sappho... Link to comment
Moore Posted July 24, 2005 Share Posted July 24, 2005 One point I picked up straight away from your post is the fact that you felt the need to cut while talking with your girlfriend. I'm curious as to whether you told her how you were feeling at the time. You need to let her know when these urges come along. Its not always that easy to determine exactly how someone is doing over the phone sometimes. I'm sure she would sit and talk with you all night if needs be just so you are safe and feeling better. To ask for help is not a form of failing. Its just like studying before sitting for an exam. You try and gather all the information that you can from your notes & teacher, so to do your best. If you walk into that room and have not studied there is a greater chance you are going to fail. Same goes for cutting. You need to see a professional. They can help you deal with things and make you prepared for your tests in life, when you feel the urge to cut. You have come such a long way Sappho and I myself am very proud of you. Little steps are all you need to take and in time you will be overwhelmed at how far you have come. Link to comment
Tigris Posted July 24, 2005 Share Posted July 24, 2005 Well done Moore. She needs loads of positive support. Keep up the good work. Link to comment
Tigris Posted July 24, 2005 Share Posted July 24, 2005 Sappho, I understand what was happening when you were talking to your girlfriend. You were hurting because you couldn't be with her that's why you had the feelings. You didn't hurt yourself, WELL DONE! I'M PROUD OF YOU! Don't you realise what's happened? YOU'VE JUST MADE A GIANT STEP! When that happens focus on that feeling! Say to yourself I've done it once, I can do it again! This might help - When I think I can't cope I text a friend. Sometimes she says you can phone me at home. I text, I can't I'm crying! We text for a little longer. The feeling of somebody cares helps me to stop crying. Then I phone her at home. When her children or husband needs her (but it's usually bed time for the children) she has to go! Keep up the good work and take care. Looking forward to your next message. Link to comment
pizzachick13 Posted July 24, 2005 Author Share Posted July 24, 2005 i wish i could be with her. you know, i have that many people around me that say if you need me call me but like you said, when you're crying your eyes out you don't want to call anyone. now, i don't cry. seriously i haven't cried in ages, but i still get the same feeling. i can't talk to someone when i'm feeling the way i do. i can text, but that's as far as it goes. i am sorry Moore. i should have said something. You can't always tell how people feel over the phone. maybe i should just start drinking instead, might be easier. Sappho... Link to comment
Tigris Posted July 24, 2005 Share Posted July 24, 2005 Sapphos, I've tried drinking and believe me it didn't work! All it does is numb the pain for a few hours. Secondly, you'll be wasting money that you could use to go and see your girlfriend. Wouldn't that be a better idea? How much would that cost? You said it wasn't possible for you to go and live with her. Is she in a position where she could come and live with you? Also, do you confide in your mother? Looking forward to your reply. In the meantime take care. Link to comment
pizzachick13 Posted July 25, 2005 Author Share Posted July 25, 2005 Tigris, for me to go to my gf's it would cost me about 350A$ and that's a return flight. If I was only going one way and I could stay with her forever like I want to then it would probably be half that. I don't think it's possible for her to come and live with me mainly cos she has a job where she lives plus she has her family there and I wouldn't want her to lose her family or her job for me. I don't confide in my mother because the last time I told her that I was stopping cutting she kinda didn't think that me stopping was a good thing. I know it sounds weird but when I told her that I hadn't cut in a while she said "well, I think it would be fine if you still did it". Strange to me and I'm guessing strange to pretty much anyone who reads this post, but in the back of my mind I wanted to remember that I know drinking is more expensive but if I just keep drinking then I know that I start to forget. I don't want to forget some things in my life like my girlfriend and how I feel when I'm with her or really anything to do with her, but a lot of my life I just want to block out. I want to forget everything about my past because it only causes me pain. Sappho... Link to comment
Tigris Posted July 25, 2005 Share Posted July 25, 2005 STUNNED! I can't believe your mother said that! Secondly, your girlfriend is there for you. Would she be there if you started to turn into a drunk? Try putting yourself in her shoes. How long is it going to be before you see your girlfriend again? It sounds like you need some physical stuff. Finally, is the picture, you? Looking forward to your reply. Link to comment
pizzachick13 Posted July 25, 2005 Author Share Posted July 25, 2005 I would like to think that my baby would always be there for me but I think that if I was to turn away from cutting and go to drinking then I'd probably lose her. I don't know. I'm hoping I'm wrong about that, but I can't stand drinking anyways, so I guess that scenario is out the window. I may be seeing my girlfriend in the next week or so but I don't know. I might not be. It all depends on whether or not my teachers say that missing a few days of school is ok. I know I need something physical. I just need to feel her arms around me. I need her to hold me until all my pain goes away. The pic isn't me. It's a character from Final Fantasy actually. It's funny cos I always say to people "you know I'm your fantasy" just in fun and now someone has thought that I am a part of the Final Fantasy. lol. Sorry, it's funny in my head. I know I'm crazy but that's ok Sappho... Link to comment
Tigris Posted July 25, 2005 Share Posted July 25, 2005 I think you would lose her if you started drinking. She knows you have a problem hurting yourself and you have trouble controlling the urges but drinking is a totally different issue. I drank a full bottle of port in 15 minutes and went in the bath. I was pissed out of my mind and felt great! Bad news a couple of hours later I thought I was dying! Have you ever seen the film 'Witches of Eastwick'? If you have then think of the scene where the woman has tons of cherries flying out of her mouth. My stomach's turning over just thinking about it! I learned my lesson, I've never done it again! Would it cause that many problems if you took a few days off school? Couldn't you say you were ill? I know you're depressed. Can't they see that? ***** I need your help. Could you look at the Gay,Bi, Lesbian, Transgender forum, please. ***** Finally, I'm gutted the picture isn't you! PROUD OF YOU -Another day over. 3 cheers for Sappho. Hip, Hip, Hooray, .............! Link to comment
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