To do it or not *UPDATED AT END*

[Softmoonlight]

I know I've posted about this before, but it's a very hard decision for me.

Thanks for listening

 

I've been with my bf for nearly 6 years. We aren't getting along well anymore, we argue constantly over ridiculous things, and I guess you could say our personalities clash a bit. I am very happy/goofy and easygoing, he is very easily irritated, serious, etc.

 

We have a very enmeshed life, live in a house together, etc. The truth is, I feel guilty even thinking of breaking up with him.

 

He has a rough life and I somehow feel like it's my responsibility to pull him through. However, I must not do that adequate of a job anyhow, because he always complains I am "never there for him" and haven't been in his darkest hours.

 

The way I see it, I've stuck by him when he had severe depression, when he quit school, when he was unemployed. I would give out his resumes, I paid his way for everything when he was unemployed, I bought a house for us to live in because he complained living in his parent's house was holding him back, etc. He still blames me because I didn't push him through university when he was depressed. He always says, "I'll be happy if _____" then gets whatever it is, and some new issue arises that keeps him unhappy.

 

I'm finding myself wondering "what would my life be like without him?" When I am out with friends and such, I feel free, like myself. When I am with him, I am walking on eggshells, afraid I'll do something wrong.

So why am I staying? I'm afraid to make the leap. I feel like I need space to grow and he is standing in the sunlight.

 

Anyone else been in this type of situation? I am feeling drained, unsure, and scared. If nothing else, thank you for reading my rant. I know it's the right thing to do for both our sakes, but I feel badly. Most recently he has been quite sick and he maintains we aren't getting along well because of that. But as I said before, when he is well something else will surface.

 

Thanks again.

Shawna

[mdandrea]

You may not be happy with him for the rest of your life if you two got married so you should give him some time to think about what is important, he's got problems and you are with him right now so try and help him some first but if he keeps blaming you for stuff and hurting you emotionally keep away from him for awhile.

[Mr Meh]

It sounds very similar to my situation although the symptoms (ie depression) were not as severe. I felt trapped and was not very happy and one day I started to hope one of us would die (preferably her) so I could get out of it. That's when I realized I had to say something regardless of the pain it would cause. It was hard actually opening my mouth to say it, but once I did I just let it all out. Things are not going all that smoothly, but mostly it is because of her need to see me as abandoning her and the family and being selfish. Doing something to make yourself happy is not wrong. The biggest roadblock I'm facing now is the moving out\financial part of the split. I would imagine this will be a big part for you too.

From what you've said about him, expect a lot of accusations, guilt trips, threats, emotional blackmail and apologies followed by blame. Try to plan as much as you can in advance and stick to it no matter what. If you really want out, you have to be firm. He's going to pull out all of the familiar tricks, plus a few new ones.

Good luck and prepare for a long road which leads to happiness..

[GettingOverIt]

Wow, Mr. Meh... I have felt and thought those EXACT things... After reading your response, I think it may be time for me to do the same - speak up once and for all... I know what you mean about the 'guilt trip' of abandoning her and the family... I got that a lot when I moved out the first time, which partially led to my return in the first place...

 

Plan in advance and stick to it - that is excellent advice, and from my own mistakes, I can say that is some of the best advice anyone could have given me and I wish they had...

 

Shawna, you need to do what is going to be best FOR YOU, for YOUR mental/physical health. You do NOT need to justify your reasons. You have reasons, and that is all that matters.

[Mr Meh]

Glad I made some sense, GettingOverIt...the guilt trips have kept me coming back for more for years...Once it is out, you will feel much relief. I've found that whenever a "guilt inducing\accusatory\answer I don't have" subject comes up, I just stay quiet or change the subject; in the past I would scramble to make her feel better or try to justify it. I'd go straight to No Contact if we didn't have a child. The peace I feel for standing up and taking the reins for myself is amazing. I'm no longer just waiting for life to magically improve (or get worse again).

[Cassyniner]

And just a thought Shawna, maybe by removing his "crutch" (YOU) you just might be doing him a big favor. You should be really honest with him about your reasons for leaving, and then go strict NC for a long, long time. He may blame you for a long time for his miserable life, but eventually when you have been out of the picture for a while, he will have to see that he is responsible for his own happiness.

[melrich]

he will have to see that he is responsible for his own happiness.

 

Yes exactly. You are not responsible for his happiness or how his life turns out. It sounds to me like you have been very supportive for a long time and he is making life choices that are holding you back. I think you know what you have to do but are struggling with feelings of guilt.

 

Work on the guilt issues first.

[uproared]

Do you still love him?

 

I mean, if he could demonstrate to you that he was willing to change, would it make a difference?

 

I am in a similar position to your boyfriends. My ex broke up with me after 5 years for similar reasons (she even used the line 'walking on eggshells! My parents were going through a divorce, and she felt that there was too much pressure on her to 'be there for me'. The difference is that 1 month before the breakup she told me how she was feeling and although I tried as hard as I could to turn things around, it was too little too late. We definitely had a miscommunication problem, if she had told me how she was feeling from the start it would have been a different story, but she felt that not saying anything was being supportive.

 

Anyway, I was very 'needy' the first month. I would contact her telling her how much I love her, giving her the occasional "how could you do this?"...It wasn't so much that I was trying to make her feel guilty, I just wanted to show her how much she meant to me, and most importantly I think I was just afraid of losing her. Anyway, I have maintained strict NC for the past 5 weeks, as that is what she had requested in the first place. We'll see where it goes; I'm using this time to grow as an individual and to sort through my issues. I'd like to think that a reconciliation would be possible, but I'm past the point where it is consntatly in my mindset.

 

I'm going to see her in about a month (at a friend's party), and I'm just going to say something along of the lines of "Im sorry for not giving you space when you asked for it. I was just going through a lot

in my life and I was just afraid of losing you. Live and learn I suppose, but I am trying to make it up to you now. I just want to be happy."

 

Anyway, goodluck with your situation, just be sure to communicate everything. If my ex had communicated with me, I doubt we would be in this position now...She has even admitted to me (after the breakup) that she f$ckd up and is angry at herself for not having told me earlier.

[Softmoonlight]

I tried to talk to him last night, told him that I feel drained, like I can't stand the arguing anymore, etc. As expected, he came back with, "you think this relationship is so hard for you and that you are getting so jyped, well think of me."

 

Apparently, I've never been there, and his life has gotten so much worse since I have been in it. I said to him, "if you dislike our relationship and me so much, why have you stayed this long?" He said, "Because I hope you will change." I told him I've changed enough and I am not changing who I am anymore to please him, because no matter how much I've changed, he is never happy.

 

He also mentioned he is ripped off because I'm not like other girls. I don't do my hair in all sorts of interesting ways, I am not good in bed, etc etc. Sorry to sound crude, but I've never had any complaints except from him 8)

 

He always said, "if I get ____ I'll be happy" then I get him that somehow...a job, an object, etc and then he still isn't happy. As I said, he complains I'm not good in bed, so I have lost a bunch of weight and go to the gym to tone myself up. He still isn't happy with that.

 

He said "if only I got this job," so now he has that job, and he is complaining he doesn't like it, it doesn't give enough hours, etc. This has happened many many times.

 

Maybe I'm not the good girlfriend I think I am? What am I doing so wrong? I am tired of giving and giving and giving and getting nothing in return. At present he is sick so he maintains that is why he isn't being loving to me. But if he wasn't sick, I'm sure he'd be unhappy about something else.

 

Gas prices, the cost of living, the world, society, our house, our cars, our fridge runs all the time, etc. There's always something irritating him and making him unhappy.

 

I do love him, but I'm starting to see it's pointless. I've given him every drop of love I know how over the past years, and nothing has helped him. I guess I'm beating a dead horse, and finally my arm has broken off!

 

So is it me or is it him? I really want honest opinions here. I always feel that I have given him everything in my soul to the point of being drained a LOT and not even knowing what I want anymore because I have spent the past 6 years trying to make him happy.

 

Thanks for listening to me.

Shawna

[Mr Meh]

If you don't feel good about being in the relationship, that's the main thing to consider. He sounds fairly manipulative and he's turned things around to make it seem like your fault. The fact is there is no fault: YOU ARE NOT HAPPY. From your posts, it sounds like you've done all you can do to try and make this work, and he is not prepared to do anything but continue to blame you and expect you to make him happy. He will continue to fill you with self-doubt, and whenever he succeeds you prove his point for him that "you're the problem".

I get the same thing from my ex. Sometimes she is really sad and can't believe she lost the best thing that ever happened to her, but after a few minutes in which I still say I'm leaving I'm suddenly "not such a prize" and a list of my evil ways comes out. Sure I'm not perfect, nobody is, but she is trying to deny responsibility and make me out as the bad guy. Whatever. One fact remains after all the blame...I am unhappy with her and want to get out.

[RayKay]

Shawna, to be direct - it is not you, it is maybe not even him, but it is you as a couple.

 

I think you both have different values and ideas about what is important, which makes you incompatible.

 

I think he reacts to this incompatibility in an awful way though by putting you down...he transfers his own unhappiness onto you, and tries to find blame by pointing out your imperfections.

 

Honey, someone who loves you does not critique you and belittle you or tell you they do not accept you for who you are! I have been where you are, and it tore away my self esteem little by little. I kept giving and giving...but you know, you really can only give so much until you have NOTHING left...not for them, not for your friends, not for your family, not your dog and most of all not even for yourself.

 

I did not even realize it until I was OUT of it that the relationship was destructive to me, that I deserved more in my life. And it was not until I found someone whom cherishes me and appreciates me everyday that I realized what I had before was not normal, nor was it healthy.

 

He ended up breaking it off, and I was STILL giving it my all, I blamed myself..I don't think he ever INTENTIONALLY tried to hurt me, but he did. And it was one day I realized too I was drained, I was emotionally exhausted. And I from that point on stopped giving to him, and gave back to myself. And it was the best thing I could have done...my life is richer now, and I am ME again.

 

I say move on and rediscover your happiness again.