What my ex want from me? Advice

[yip1010]

My ex-gf and I broke up about 3 months. She was seeing someone else very soon after. I was very piss but love her still. So, we started talking & did stuff together as friend two weeks after. I was trying to ignore her but she kept ask me to join this and that with her. She always told me she wasn't happy with her new bf. I've asked her for last chance twice but she didn't want to leave him but want to keep our friendship. She is not willing to give up our friendship for her new bf either. Until last weekend I stop contact her for more than a week. I didn't plan to call until her birdthday which is this weekend. I would expect her to hang out with her bf but she ask if I want to go to amusememt park with her on her birthday. She mentioned the park thing to me on the phone when I call her up for work related stuff. I ignored her. Next day, she call me up and ask if I want to go because she got free tickets from her company. So, I was thinking about it for awhile then say "yes".

 

My confusion was why she always find something to do with me when I try to go away but didn't want to give me the second chance. I will try to make the best out of it for her on her birthday but plan to NC after that although I still love her. Any suggestion what should I do?

[heloladies21]

Don't go to her birthday, cut contact even if she initiates. With someone else right after break up? Says to me loud and clear something going on behind your back even before break up. Even if not she showed you she don't care about you at all. There's better out there for you buddy, go and find it.

[gs121]

well, when you try to ignore her, you always give in...

so she sees that she can be friends with you without having a relationship... being friends with her, she won't know how to miss you or "live" without you.. that's why the 2nd chance isn't on her mind.. because you are always there!

 

I would just continue to have no contact with her to let her get herself together..

 

and what's this don't like hanging out with her boyfriend? "She always told me she wasn't happy with her new bf" what's the point then, of that relationship? she is just using him and you to play games!

 

think about this... she said she wasn't happy with her new boyfriend, but will not give him up while supposedly she is happy with you (want to hangout with you more) and gave you up...

 

and as for the birthday, just say something came up and that you can't make it..

 

don't settle for less..! remember, its all about YOURSELF, not her...!

[freshmilk]

well i dont know what went wrong with you and your ex... my opinion is that maybe she didnt find you as the boyfriend material instead she thought u were good as a friend, as a bestfriend instead. She's not letting go of you maybe because she enjoys your company... she is comfortable with you... now you might ask why didnt she want a second chance? well i think that maybe she wanted more, maybe the connection... the attraction you had with her wasnt enough as a bf, maybe there was something lacking... it would be best if you would tell us what went wrong in the relationship for it to end!

[japhy]

tough situation. damned if ya' do, damned if ya don't...

that new boyfriend thing would probably be the deal breaker for me though. i'm kind of in the same situation with my ex (no boyfriend though). i want to be in her life and give us a chance. we have a great time together but right now it's "just friends" (no presure, no "moves"). Sucker? probably, but the clock is running and i'm only giving her a certain amount of time and then i'm bailing. when her time is up it's going to be a slow fade to NC (no contact). no drama, no long winded debate.

 

not to tell you what to do but....i would be moving toward NC with your ex; at least while she's got the new boy friend. the old "have her cake and eat it" syndrome. "not enough love to take you back, not enough love to let you go"

 

tough situation...

[freshmilk]

i dont really like the idea about no contact! hey come to think of it, uve bonded with your lover, u had some good times and u had some bad times! if in any event things didnt work out for a certain reason, i dont think its fair to end everything specially if ur partner would like to remain as friends... mature indivual would accept friendship after a failure romance...

[heartbroken23]

freshmilk,

 

quote]mature indivual would accept friendship after a failure romance...

 

Do you know how hard this is? It may never be possible, and if it did happen, it could take a long time to get to that stage. Try being friends with an ex that you love dearly and she has a BF......your heart would be trampled on over and over, knowing that she goes home to him now and not you, knowing you have been replaced. When being friends are you able to cope with her telling you her BF problems and issues? Fact of the matter, it is almost impossible to saty friends with an ex after a breakup. It takes along time to be ready to do that, usually when most of feelings have faded and you are in a stronger state of mind

[gs121]

freshmilk,

 

quote]mature indivual would accept friendship after a failure romance...

 

Do you know how hard this is? It may never be possible, and if it did happen, it could take a long time to get to that stage. Try being friends with an ex that you love dearly and she has a BF......your heart would be trampled on over and over, knowing that she goes home to him now and not you, knowing you have been replaced. When being friends are you able to cope with her telling you her BF problems and issues? Fact of the matter, it is almost impossible to saty friends with an ex after a breakup. It takes along time to be ready to do that, usually when most of feelings have faded and you are in a stronger state of mind

 

I agree... being friends with ex is the hardest thing to do... especially when they break your heart... when my ex and I broke up, she kept wanting to be friends.. I told her never, because 1.) I will never settle for less; and let her get the easy way out... 2.) don't want to deal with her lovers and issues 3.) as she said no to our relationship, then I'll say no to friendship..because that's not what I want and that's not what we had...

 

If you want to know the details, here is the link..

link removed

 

This has helped me heal and forget about her.. after full NC of almost 3 months, do I miss her? sure I do.. but if she doesn't want to be with me, then I have no choice but to let her go... as long as I know I did my part in the relationship and gave it my all, I don't have any regrets. after all, she did end it, and that's why she is an ex.. and you know what, its her loss and the next person's gain... I see it as just a segment of my life that we shared, and nothing more, and now I'm on to the next...

[lifeiscash]

I agree... being friends with ex is the hardest thing to do... especially when they break your heart... when my ex and I broke up, she kept wanting to be friends.. I told her never, because 1.) I will never settle for less; why be friends when it was more...? 2.) don't want to deal with her lovers and issues 3.) friends? don't need another one! 4.) as she said no to our relationship, then I'll say no to friendship

 

Nice way of looking at it - I agree

[valenski]

From what you say it sounds like you've being together a little while, you say you still love her so its hard for you to just ignore her. I kinda know what what you're going through, me and my ex we work at a hospital in the same area so we see each other constantly, we still go out, see movies and go clubbing together but we know its friendship now. If she enjoys your company and you enjoy hers dont resent hers cuz she would give you second chance, you are not going to be at her beck and call but you can oblidge her every now and again. Maybe after a while she'll see whats she's being missing. A friendship is always a good thing.

[misery12]

A part of this is similar to my situation, and maybe I could get feedback from it.

 

Me and my ex are hanging out, and having a lot of fun now, more than we had when we were together. We have really long, nice/funny convo's at least 2 times a day, and things are good.

 

But I feel that if I am always there, she may feel that there's no point of getting back together, if she can get the relationship, without the committment, you know?

but then I feel if I just do no contact, or make myself less available, she wil just move on, and I will miss my chance of getting back completely.

 

But also, if I continue to spend time with her.. she will see how fun I am, and maybe miss being with me, in a relationship, and want me back, if I suggest getting back together down the road?

 

If she says she doesn't want to, ever again.. I think I may have to move on, because I don't think I could watch her with another guy right now. I am not too worried about that though, because she treats me much more than a friend, comparing myself to her other guy friends. We hang out together, we went shopping today, and she talks to me whenever I am online.

 

I don't know what to do, and which path to take, to get the biggest benefit, and the greatest chance of getting back with her in the end.. any suggestions?

[freshmilk]

yes that is true, its hard to be friends with an ex but it all depends on how the relationship ended! not all relationship ends on a sour note. It just ends because they think they are not suited as lovers... again people u are missing my point, what am trying to say is that why end everything what you've been through? if it didnt work for both of you as lovers... can't it work for both of you as friends? have you even asked such question? did you ever though that maybe in making friends with your ex then maybe you will get to know him or her better? lets face it, if we all have problems with our partner we always go to our friend and tell him/her about it! say, you eventually become best friends... then she/he will speak to you about his/her problems with his/her partner. In that way you would know deeper what your ex desires and what your ex is really looking for in a relationship!

 

Breaking up should not end it all, breaking up should mean a new step for a better relationship maybe with another partner or hopefully with the same partner! but for a failure relationship to work the second time, i believe that its better if they would stay as friends after the break up and be there always for ur ex whenever she needs a friend to talk to... special when it comes to the matter of the heart... u would surely get many pointers after that =)

[yip1010]

thank you for all your input. It was nice to hear all different views. The reasons we broke up were because:

1. Didn't spend enough time with her b/c I was busy for my job

2. I was having a little financial trouble in a period. So, didn't treat her nice financially. No travel and shopping for a while but working second jobs

3. Spend too much time with family, not her during holiday and weekend

4. She complained I didn't put her on top of my priority list

5. Careless.

 

She said lots of stuff to put me down when we argue but she had no doubt I will have a good career and future. Her attitute was "why should I put up with this with a man nothing good?". That hurt b/c all the friends and family are very proud of me in term of career and accomplishment. So, the more I heard about the complain, the less care I will be, more and more add up then she quit. I backup one step, she backup more step. Anyway, we know each other so long as friend and always had good time hanging out and doing stuff together. But things change when we date. I know I still have spot in her heart but not good enough for her to come back at this time. She kept sending me mix signals.

 

One other reason she doesn't want to come back is she feels my family hates her after we broke up b/c my sister heard the story. Plus she didn't believe I will change.

 

I guess the best way for me to do is slowly moving toward NC. I used to want her back very badly but now is "don't care" after I try my best in my side. This is my first time being friend with ex