When You Say 'I love you' but Get No Response....

[seroyla]

It's really out of character for me to tell people I love them. It took me 22 years before I started telling my parents I loved them and it was the hardest thing for me to start doing... now that I'm 26 it comes easier and it has brought us closer.

 

I've never told my friends I love them but I've always wanted to, but I don't know if it is appropriate anymore:

 

Last weekend I told an old friend who I've been friends with for over 6 years that I loved him (as a friend, of course) and I gave him a quick hug good-bye (I was leaving to drive back to NC-- I was visiting OH)-- but he was just silent and didn't respond. I don't regret telling him cause I've always wanted to-- I just wish he'd responded with something besides silence. Silence is hard to read. I know he, too, is emotionally repressed, but I've heard him say I love you very easily to his other friends before- so it seemed odd he didn't respond. I'm kinda questioning my friendship with him now because he didn't respond. I've started thinking maybe I shouldn't have said it (even though I don't regret saying it), and it might've been inappropriate as we mostly just email each other now and rarely see each other.

 

I sent a thank-you email to him Sunday evening for letting me crash at his place-- I always do after I visit someone. But here it is 4 days after I left and still no response from him-- usually he at least acknowledges my thank-you email with a "You're welcome anytime."

 

What do you guys think about his reaction? Before I tell other friends I appreciate them, what do you think would be appropriate ways to tell them I care about them? Should I even tell them?Or should I just keep it to myself as usual? And what do I do if after I've told them and they don't respond or feel awkward around me? How do I repair things?

 

Thanks.....

[Hope75]

I wonder if he didn't misread your words and think that you mean you were IN love with him, versus that you loved him as a friend?

 

Perhaps that would account for the awkward silence, and the lack of response to your thankyou email.

 

I would give him a few weeks to respond, maybe he is gathering his thoughts or just really busy. If you don't hear from him then give him a call and find out what's on his mind. If it is indeed that than you can quickly clear it up.

 

Since he's not used to hearing it from you he may be shocked or be taking it the wrong way.

 

Guys are funny that way sometimes.

[punchy504]

What do you guys think about his reaction? Before I tell other friends I appreciate them, what do you think would be appropriate ways to tell them I care about them? Should I even tell them?Or should I just keep it to myself as usual? And what do I do if after I've told them and they don't respond or feel awkward around me? How do I repair things?

 

 

 

maybe I love you isn't the best way to tell a friend you appreciate them, just a "thanks for being a great friend" is sufficient

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Does this guy have feelings for you or in the past did you have feelings for him?

[seroyla]

All I did was, I gave him a hug good-bye and said "Well I love you, be safe and take care of yourself." It was really casual like friends would normally say when they say good-bye to each other. I paused like 1.5 seconds cause usually after his other friends say this he responds with something similar... but he didn't respond with anything at all. And that was it before I stepped into my car and drove away.

 

We tried dating at one point but we were friends first, then tried dating for like 8 months but I broke up with him around 1999/2000 when he found out he had a daughter with another woman. I told him we should just be friends and stopped dating him.

 

He doesn't talk about dating anyone, or if he even has an interest in anyone even when I ask about his love life. He's been 'single and looking' ever since his ex-fiance got married 4 years ago. He's a committed father and a career military man. I've had at least 2 long-term boyfriends since I dated him that he's known about. Only one time did he say, "I think we're perfect for each other" but that was 3 years ago when I'd just started a nearly 3 year long relationship with another guy (that I just broke-up with two weeks ago).

 

In my head we've been just friends for years and we rarely see each other anyway so maybe we've just grown too far apart and that's why he didn't respond.

[socalguy123]

sounds like he may have a thing for you. and when he hears you say "i love you", i bet he feels pretty crummy, knowing you mean as friends.

 

is he attractive? do you find yourself flirting with him? does he flirt with you? if you say he's emotionally repressed, i wonder if he harbors one of those unrequited love thingimabobs.

 

 

"thanks for being a great friend, i really appreciate it" is sufficient. throwing the word "love" around, to friends, isn't necessary. the greeks knew all about love, there were three definitions of it: eros (romantic love), philia (brotherly love, camaraderie), and agape (unconditional love). here's a cute link about it: link removed

 

anyway, hope this helps. if it sounds like i'm saying "stop telling people you love, that you love them", it just means use a little more discretion.

[seroyla]

Interesting thought... I never thought saying I love you could make someone feel crummy-- but I guess if it's unrequited love maybe that's the case. But I seriously doubt it cause I honestly don't think he loves me or he would've told me a long time ago.

 

He acted really distant and just 'weird' when I saw him in the morning just before I left. And then he sounded downright awful when I called him from the road to ask if I'd left my medicine on his coffee table (I'd slept on the couch when I crashed at his place). It was like he didn't want to talk to me and he had a really tired/angry tone- like I was the most irritating person on the planet to him at that very moment. I've been worried that I upset him somehow ever since I left cause of that- I never thought to ask though.

 

He's a natural charmer and he flirts with anyone as long as they're female. I've seen a million times over him getting his way whenever he flirts (whether it be $10 off a hotel room to free movie rentals), and of course all the girls he flirts with wind up with massive crushes on him. It amuses me everytime I see it. The inside joke between us, though, is whenever he tries to flirt with me I tell him, "You forget I'm wise to your ways."

 

He's the one person I admire most in the world (besides my parents). I thought he was 'the one' and it nearly killed me to tell him I couldn't date him anymore-- but it was a conscious sacrifice because I knew becoming a father would leave very little room for me.. It was a long-distance relationship anyway. So I let him go and it took me at least a year to get over him. At the time I was very hurt to hear he had a child with another woman, kinda felt backstabbed and really insignificant. But over the years I came to accept everything and now I just love him as a friend.

 

As for the unrequited love thing, I'm the one with the unrequited love feeling right now.

[smallworld]

He's the one person I admire most in the world (besides my parents). I thought he was 'the one' and it nearly killed me to tell him I couldn't date him anymore-- but it was a conscious sacrifice because I knew becoming a father would leave very little room for me..

Seroyla, here's your 'missing link'. I agree with Socalguy123. Your friend (actually Ex!) is upset because love once upon a time wasn't enough to keep you two together. Despite your sincere intentions, to say ILY now is like rubbing salt in an old wound.

[seroyla]

So how do I repair things now that I rubbed salt in the wound?

[socalguy123]

leave him alone for a little bit?

[smallworld]

So how do I repair things now that I rubbed salt in the wound?

 

Before you do anything else, I think you need to decide what exactly it is that you want from him. Was that really a "ILY" for a friend or do you secretly long for something more?

 

Once you decide, I'd write a heartfelt letter explaining how you feel and letting him know that you understand why he might have found hearing those words to be so painful. And then I'd let him be. He needs time to sort out his own feelings and decide what he can handle. Good luck!