What can be done when her children causes fights between us

[jenrob]

I am in a relationship with a woman that has three children. Two from a previous marriage and one from another relationship. When we first met a year ago, she said one of the biggest things she loved about me is I was good with her children. The children did not respect her or mind her then or now. They range from 8 years to 15 years old. The first several months the kids and my girlfriend was ok with the strict routine. We even took her 15 year old to counceling and his councelor approved everything I did. We recently rented an apartment together 90 miles from her hometown. Her 15 year old son basically took over the telephone, her computer and the internet connection. He would stay up until 2AM (On a school night) and talk long distance to a internet girlfriend 1500 miles away. He was not a good student in the first place, and would fall asleep in classes on a regular basis. I would tell my gf I can't have that, I needed some sort of order and dicipline. She would agree with me until he started giving her a rough time and bullying her when I was not home. He would generally do as he wanted and if she tried to put her foot down, he would just harass her and complain and whine. She eventually gave in. That would make me upset and we would argue that I am too strict with him! The other kids would whine and cry until they got their way also. I have two 15 year old kids that are on the Highest honor roll at their school. I was strict with them also. I am having trouble going from a house with order and disipline to a house of chaos and no order. This morning my GF called me at work (4AM) and asked if I had called just then. I said no. We decided it was her 15 year old's internet girlfriend. She calls pretty much anytime she wants. I told my girlfriend maybe her 15 year old should not be allowed to talk with his girlfriend until she can respect acceptable calling times. She got mad at me and said I can't hold HIM responsible! We almost got in a huge fight once again! She knows this behavior can't continue, but refuses to get on him and be consistant! HELP!!!!!

[punchy504]

I think you need to talk to her about this at "nuetral time" i.e. not when the kids have just made you angry. Discuss what she wants your role in the kids lives to be, and discuss how you think children should behave and discuss "house rules" ( as an adult I don't let people call me after midnight, it's not unreasonable to ask gf to stop calling). Then after you and gf have reached some common ground, hold a family meeting, ( what I refer to as the come to jesus meeting) and lay it out- from here on out things will proceed as follows.....

 

also make sure your gf understands that a family is not a democracy, there are leaders

[Minty80]

Just some thoughts here...

 

It seems like you both have very different ideas on child rearing. I'd suggest that you both sitdown and discuss the most basic things you each need. I mean the stuff that you absolutely feel you can't compromise on. Then try to find some solutions so that you each are able to get those needs met.

 

I'd also suggest that you not compare your bio-children to your step-children. You should probably also take a step back from the parenting and let their mother do that and follow her lead a bit more.

 

In all honesty this seems to be one of those situations where all this discussion should have taken place previous to moving in together. You both seem on very different ends of the parenting spectrum and that means that at this point you are both going to have to learn to compromise a lot and change some very fundamental ideas if this relationship is going to work.

[Jetta]

Create house rules. First discuss this with your girlfriend but you do need to include the children in the creation of the rules. Simply because it'll make them feel like they have some control over the situation. Once created the arguments will lesson because it's a house rule and not you picking on the kids, plus everyone will have agreed to them at the time they were stated. Put them up where they can be viewed regularly. Now you'll have to lighten up and she'll have to become a bit more regimented but it will add some calm and structure to the house. This was recommended to us by the family therapist until she saw that my son had more than disipline problems.

[RandomAdvisor]

Just a few days ago there was a story posted exactly like yours. Only it was posted by a guy who had to break up with his GF, and was asking who's fault he thought it was. The same exact thing happened. He disciplined her children, and one of them went whining to her mom really loud. They ended up breaking up over it.

 

I agree with much of what the other posters have said. You need to sit down with her at a calm time and have a discussion over this. Rules have to be established, and you both have to stick to them. NONE of your children can be allowed to play you two against each other. If the two of you don't stick together for your parenting, this issue will ultimately kill your relationship.

[Mr Meh]

I would recommend checking out the thread mentioned above

link removed

 

Anything I would say I've already said there, and there are a lot of good points in that thread.

[GoldenParadise]

you cant be too strong, but you must be to the point. if the child does not want to respect your point, then its best for them to go to the other parent.

the more you try to control the child that is not yours, that will push the child away. if you show the kid love and respect, and he does not show that in return, then it is time to move on.