My GF's dad is missing... - UPDATE

[RandomAdvisor]

Friday morning my girlfriend's dad left for work (let's call him "E"). E works two jobs as a janitor. One he does part time at a nursing home, and the other is a full time position at a school. So friday morning E went to the nursing home, and also had to work overnight at the school that evening. He was supposed to come home friday afternoon, rest a bit, then go to the school. He never came, and never called. His wife walked over to the school that night and didn't see his car. I write this on Sunday afternoon, and he hasn't been seen since.

 

At this point you're probably thinking something has happened to him. That's the first thought that came to my mind too. In the four years I've been with my girlfriend, this kind of behavior is not characteristic of him. He usually calls home once a night when he's working at the school, and the days he works both jobs he always comes home to get some rest first. My first impluse was to worry about him. But his wife isn't worried about him at all. If she is, she sure isn't showing it. My GF asked her last night, "Should we go to the police and report a missing person?" "He's not missing" she said. No elaboration. Maybe she's seen other signs he's cheating before this, and doesn't want to say anything.

 

Apparently this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened. Ten years ago he cheated on her, and would go missing for days at a time. My GF told me about it shortly after we started going out. E was even missing for his wife's birthday. Today, perhaps not so coincidentally, is his daughter's birthday. My GF's younger sister, lets call her "SY". She's turning 18. E and SY don't get along. She's definitly the least favorite of the two daughters in his eyes. It's hard to explain... they just don't like each other. Their relationship seems more like that of an old bitter married couple than a father/daughter one. I've only been in their lives a few years so I don't know who started it, but there is some bad chemistry between them. SY gets annoyed at many things her dad does, things that are just his habits. If she tries to hide her annoyance at him, she does a terrible job. So in retaliaton, E sometimes does do things to annoy SY, like telling a joke about her when she's within earshot. It's a very strange father/daughter relationship.

 

SY is going away to college come this fall, and from about a year ago when college selection was a topic of debate in the house, E would often say he wanted SY to go to a college far away. He never said that when she was around though. Anyway, she just graduated high school (second in her class), today is her birthday, and the family was supposed to go out to a nice restaurant to celebrate. I'd be going too but I had to work... I'm at work right now actually. Two days beforehand he goes missing. No phone calls, no showing up at the house....nothing.

 

The only thing his wife has done to try and contact him is go to the school that Friday night, but she didn't see her car. She hasn't called either one of his jobs to see if he's been in to work. My initial thought was something has happened to him, but no one else seems worried. My second thought was he's intentionally gone missing for a few days to avoid going to the restaurant, but that doesn't make much sense. He may not like her as much as his other daughter, but he doesn't hate her. And going missing for days to miss his daughter's 18th birthday seems extraordinarily childish, even for him (he is a bit immature for a 53 year old man).

 

My GF is thinking that he's cheating on her mom again, and pulling another one of his disappearing acts from 10 years ago. If true, I don't know what the hell he is thinking. 10 years ago both of his daughters were still young, and not apt to see exactly what was going on. Only his wife and her mother (she lives with them) knew what he was doing, and I suppose at the time he didn't seem to care. Maybe he as going through a midlife crisis at the time? I don't know. If this is what he's doing now though, I really don't know what the hell is in his head. Everyone will see what's going on. I don't see why he'd cheat on his wife either, she treats him so well! They have disagreements over things (he wants to sell the house and move, but his wife is hesitent), but they never argue. Usually when men cheat, they're discreet about it. They lie to hide it...we've all heard the stories. But how many men cheat openly like that? What goes through their mind? Is he unhappy with the marrige and daring her to divorce him? Now that I write this and think of it, maybe he is since both of their children are grown up now....

 

Of course, there's always the possibilty sometime soon his body will be found in a dumpster. God, I hope not. I asked my GF how much longer he has to be gone before she'll start to worry, and she said she doesn't know. Somehow I doubt he has a legitimate reason to be gone for days like this, like being kidnapped by aliens or something. So when he finally does come home, there's potential for the proverbial doodoo to hit the spinning blade thingy. On the other hand, maybe he'll show up and pretend everything is fine, and everyone else will go along with it. His wife is averse to confrontation and somewhat of a pushover. I can imagine him showing up and her not confronting him. If she doesn't say anything to him, no one else will. I sure don't see myself trying to lecture him. I'm unsure what I can or should do other than try to support my GF in all this. I'm tempted to talk to my GF's mother about this and try and press her for information, but I know she doesn't want to talk about it. She's just ignoring the situation right now, acting like nothing is wrong. They're still going to the restaurant, but they're going without him now...and instead of driving they have to take the bus.

[Jetta]

Well if they aren't worried there is no reason for you to be. Sounds like he has a history here of cheating and disappearing. Initially I thought he just decided to up and leave. Lord knows I've thought about it. Then I thought something could have happened and perhaps the wife was behind it with her nonchalent attitude, but after further reading I see he's probably pulling a stunt. You could go to the police, it has been more than 24 hours.

[RandomAdvisor]

Yeah, we could go to the police...my GF suggested as I said, but her mom said no.

 

The previous incident of this happening was 10 years ago, and it hasn't happened since. He had the car with him on friday, but it wasn't parked near the school when his wife went looking. This makes me think of two possibilities: either something happened to him and he never showed up for work, or he lied that he had to work that night and went someplace else...

 

Neither one of his jobs have called asking where he is, saying he didn't show up...

 

He probably is pulling a stunt. Whether or not he's cheating, wants a divorce... I don't know. I'm just really picking my brain as to what the hell he is thinking. I'm afraid of what'll happen when he comes back.

[rainsreign]

Hmm... It is weird. I can't help but think that maybe the mother knows something she isn't saying. Otherwise, you'd think she'd at least be expressing some kind of concern. It was 10 years ago that he cheated, it wasn't like it was just a year ago or something and that it is a problem he can't help... you know? Just because someone cheated 10 years ago doesn't mean that he is more inclined than the next person to do it now... actually it means he's less inclined because that means it's been 10 years that he's been faithful!

[Jetta]

Huh work hasn't called, and the wife isn't concerned. That is really odd. Especially if the daughter is worried. I'd really contact the police. The wife could have called in to work for him if she did do something. Yeah I watch too many mystery shows. Seriously though it's their job to figure out if it's something or nothing and if it's nothing no harm done, if it's something and you don't call you'll carry the guilt with you forever.

[RandomAdvisor]

Just because someone cheated 10 years ago doesn't mean that he is more inclined than the next person to do it now... actually it means he's less inclined because that means it's been 10 years that he's been faithful!

 

That's exactly what I was thinking at first! Him cheating just didn't make sense to me...I mean, he's 53 years old. He's been with his wife for 20+ years. Why cheat and ruin the marrige now? Is he really thinking of starting over again at his age? It would make more sense to me if he was obviously unhappy. But I visit the house at least twice a week even when my GF is away at school, and he's never seemed unhappy to me. It's just so strange.

 

But I can see where my GF is coming from in suspecting that he's cheating, because it's the same MO from 10 years ago. He pulls a disappearing act right before someone's birthday...

[RandomAdvisor]

Seriously though it's their job to figure out if it's something or nothing and if it's nothing no harm done, if it's something and you don't call you'll carry the guilt with you forever.

 

That's another thing I'm really worried about. Here I am speculating about him cheating on his wife, or disappearing to spite his daughter, and he could be lying dead somewhere in a ditch.

 

I guess I should press my GF and her mom to go to the police tomorrow if he doesn't show up by tonight.

[DN]

It almost sounds as if the Mom knows something she's just not telling anyone else. I am sure your g/f appreciates your concern but be careful that you don't cause more trouble than you are trying to solve.

[RandomAdvisor]

Yeah, I'm thinking she knows something too. Like I said in the first post, I suspect that she's seen other signs he's been cheating prior to this, so she knows he's with another woman and not in ditch somewhere. I'm just amazed at how normal she's acting, like everything is totally fine.

 

I really feel like I have to do something though. I wont be gung ho and do something without consulting my GF first. At this point, I'm think I talk to my GF about the two of us reporting him as a missing person. We can tell her mom first. If she knows something we don't that makes her sure she's ok, she'll have to at least hint to us what it is so we don't go to the police.

[sidehop]

Best wishes to him & hope you guys find him soon...

[RandomAdvisor]

Well, I spoke to my GF about this last night and she said she would talk to her mom. I figured the mother would reveal more information if my GF talked of going to the police, and she did.

 

On Friday, she called the nursing home to see if E had been into work that day. His boss said that E had previously requested that day and the whole weekend off. She also called his boss at the school, and got the same answer - he requested that time off in advance.

 

But on Friday afternoon he said he was going to work, and picked up his lunch and left like the usual routine... So at this point I think we can rule out that anything has happened to him. He's left of his own accord. As to where he's gone, why, when he'll be back, and what the hell he is thinking are still yet to be determined. My GF's mom said she thinks he's out "joy riding" somewhere, like he's just taking the days off to himself to be alone and have some fun. She doesn't think he is cheating on her again, and if she does she didn't reveal that she did. I guess that would fall under my earlier suspicioun, that he's trying to be anywhere but home for SY's 18th birthday. I still think it's unacceptable though. You don't disappear for days on end without telling your family, especially not when they're expecting you to be at your daughter's 18th birthday!

[RandomAdvisor]

Well, he came back home that Monday. He came home at a time he knew his wife and SY wouldn't be home. My GF was home at the time but stayed in her room and didn't talk to him. He took a shower, changed his clothes, and went off to work. Later that day his wife went over to the school to talk to him. He apologized, but offered no explanation and didn't say where he was the whole time. His wife didn't press him for answers. I'm not surprised. She's a pushover and non confrontational. The fact that she is that way probably figured largely into his cost/benefit analysis when he planned on doing this.

 

My GF was mad at him at first, and I advised her to confront him about it if she would continue to be upset at him, but she's gotten over it. I had a feeling things would go back to normal after he returned as if nothing had happened, and it seems like that's exactly what's happening. Apparently SY does remember her dad disappearing for days at a time ten years ago, and was old enough to realize he was cheating on her mom. She's avoiding him now, but it's not much of a difference from the way their relationship was before. SY used to sleep in another bed in the same room as her parents during the summer because they have an AC. Her mom is getting her an AC for her own room, so now SY wont be sleeping in the same room as her dad. That's the only lasting effect I can see. There doesn't seem to be much tension in the house though.

 

At this point I'm thinking my first though was correct - he intentionally disappeared to avoid being in the house for SY's birthday. For a man his age it was an incredibly childish and immature thing to do. It's possible he was cheating, only time will tell...but I doubt. If he pulls anymore disappearing acts in the future it'll certainly be an indicator. Unless of course, they coincidentally happen during other events for SY, such as her upcoming graduation ceremony week after next.

 

If I were his wife I would have demanded to know where the hell he spent those three nights, what he did, etc... but I'm not his wife. I'm not his daughter either. I'm just his daughter's longterm BF, who happens to be half his age, so I don't exactly see myself lecturing him. I'm just going to treat this situation the same way everyone else is - by pretending it never happened. It's not my place to tell him he's a selfish childish a-hole for acting that way during his daughter's birthday. Any thoughts on this whole situation?

[DN]

Seems like a weird family dynamic that you are wise to stay out of. I would not discuss it anymore with your girlfriend unless she brings it up, especially your theory about him deliberately missing her birthday.

[RandomAdvisor]

Well, I already mentioned my theory that he intentionally missed the birthday. I don't plan to bring the topic up again unless she does though.