Exhausting relationship with mother

[Sarah Smith]

First off, I love my mum very much and we are very close. But the problem is when we spend a lot of time together.

my uni recently ended and so did my lease so I was forced to temporarily move back “home”.

My mother lives in a really small apartment, I don’t have my own room and I sleep at the sofa. The issue is that she talks non-stop. And I mean literally all the time. Even if I put on a headset or sleep, if I don’t respond she’ll talk to herself. And most the time she criticises me over everything and nothing and dramatises everything, and makes small things a big deal. And when she’s not criticising, she is telling me things about her personal life that a mother probably shouldn’t be telling her daughter. And I don’t have anywhere to hide away. 

This is extremely exhausting. And I can feel myself being in a bad mood in her presence, being irritable and upset with her. And I feel bad for it. Because I don’t want to be angry around her. But she’s just too much. And when I try to set boundaries she gets mad and either yells or storms off.

Any advice? How can I set my boundaries nicely? How can I stop being in such a bad mood every time Im around her?

[Sarah Smith]

2 minutes ago, Sarah Smith said:

First off, I love my mum very much and we are very close. But the problem is when we spend a lot of time together.

my uni recently ended and so did my lease so I was forced to temporarily move back “home”.

My mother lives in a really small apartment, I don’t have my own room and I sleep at the sofa. The issue is that she talks non-stop. And I mean literally all the time. Even if I put on a headset or sleep, if I don’t respond she’ll talk to herself. And most the time she criticises me over everything and nothing and dramatises everything, and makes small things a big deal. And when she’s not criticising, she is telling me things about her personal life that a mother probably shouldn’t be telling her daughter. And I don’t have anywhere to hide away. 

This is extremely exhausting. And I can feel myself being in a bad mood in her presence, being irritable and upset with her. And I feel bad for it. Because I don’t want to be angry around her. But she’s just too much. And when I try to set boundaries she gets mad and either yells or storms off.

Any advice? How can I set my boundaries nicely? How can I stop being in such a bad mood every time Im around her?

Example about the unnecessary drama she makes:

the dog likes to sleep beside me at the sofa. He does it a lot and it’s never been a problem. Today at midnight, she wouldn’t let me sleep and kept telling me how Ill roll over him and “kill him”.. I told her this is an irrational thought and that I got up for work at 5 this morning and for her to please let me sleep and she got upset 

[Cherylyn]

Take breaks now that the weather is preferably better in your area.  It's cooler in the morning.  Can you get out for some fresh air and exercise?  A walk?  Meet a friend for a walk or coffee?  Go to the library?  If you can not be home every now and then,  get out for a break.  Take care of errands and / or be out longer so you don't have to be cooped up with your mother too much? 

Is your mother bored?  Does she have outlets?  A social life?  Friends?  Perhaps she needs to do something or get out of the house to have a life of her own as opposed to being at home too much.  Does she have hobbies?

Does she have interests?  Intellectual pursuits?  Does she like outings?  Picnics?  Museums?  Anything?

In the meantime,  know that your being at home is temporary and when you are back at uni,  you can resume your college life once more. 

[ShySoul]

You're not alone in your fustrations. I love my mom dearly and make sure to call her every week since we live on opposite sides of the country. For that matter, I love my siblings. But there is a reason I only travel for Christmas, alternate who I visit, and stay maximum of a week. Too much time around anyone, even someone you love, can get on your nerves.

Easiest way to avoid drama is to minimize the time together. Spend your time away from the home. Find a hobby outside that limits your interactions. Meet up with friends. Set time aside for conversation, but make clear your need for sleep. Maybe offer to pick a day to do things with her so she can get that feeling of being with you, but under condition that you have time to yourself when you need it. 

Does your mother have things going in her life to occupy her time? Maybe encourage her to pursue something she would like as a way to distract her from always talking to you.

And if all else fails, invest in some noise cancelling headphones. I hear they do wonders. 

[Starlight925]

The best advice I have is to figure out how to move back out.  Find a roommate, find several if you have to (a share house), get an extra job, but yes, you have to move out or you'll end up so resentful of her.

I can't stand nonstop talkers.  People who talk "at" you, rather than "with" you.

Your mom is one of those.

Since she is your mom, she's in your life, but it's best at a distance.  You won't be able to change her constant chattiness because this is who she is.  It's like her hair color:  she can color it all she wants, but it is what it is, underneath it all.

[ShySoul]

My best friend moved to the other side of the counry partly to get away from her mom and the constant criticisms that came with that relationship. For some relationships, distance can be a very good thing.

Don't lose sight that this is temporary. And if there is any way you can make it even more temporary - finding alternative housing - that might be an avenue you should explore.

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Maybe offer to pick a day to do things with her so she can get that feeling of being with you, but under condition that you have time to yourself when you need it. 

^^This^ actually works. Anxious, attention-seeking people who sense your annoyance or pulling away may tend to act out and become even more suffocating. To reverse this, make some time for mom, treat her to a nice meal--home cooked, take out, or take her out. Be thrilled with her the whole time. No heavy talks about boundaries or space or anything beyond telling her how much you enjoy her and asking if she might like sharing this kind of time together again next week. Get mani-pedi's together, walk a park, see a movie--whatever. Give her your attention, your approval, your encouragement.

She might fly on excitement for another day or two afterward and be a pain, but knowing that she'll be sharing dedicated time together again soon can take the edge off of her anxiety and allow her to pipe down. You next outing can be a time where you slip in a mention that you are never trying to be rude to her when you need some focused quiet time, but you really need that time and space alone to function. Then ask HER to help you solve this problem.

As for the dog example, she felt left out. I'd have told her to take the dog into her room and just let me sleep.

How soon do you plan to find a room in someone else's home or otherwise move out on your own?

[ShySoul]

29 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Anxious, attention-seeking people who sense your annoyance or pulling away may tend to act out and become even more suffocating. To reverse this, make some time for mom, treat her to a nice meal--home cooked, take out, or take her out.

Thank you. I couldn't figure out how to explain it, but your post was perfect.

I think people like that are really just lonely deep down. They want attention and want to feel included, so they try to insert themselves into the situation. If you pull away, they just feel more lonely so try to cling harder to whatever kind of interaction they can. They may not notice your discomfort because they are so wrapped up in their feelings of isolation. 

It's about trying to find a balance between giving them the attention they want, while still respecting your own boundaries and limitations. If you give a little to them, there's a good chance it will make them feel better enough to reason with and give a little back to you.

[catfeeder]

23 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

It's about trying to find a balance between giving them the attention they want, while still respecting your own boundaries and limitations. If you give a little to them, there's a good chance it will make them feel better enough to reason with and give a little back to you.

Yes, exactly. In the beginning, it may not be enough to give them a little, because the bottomless pit in them can't yet trust that there will ever be more going forward. They know no patience, they don't recognize boundaries, and that's why talking about those at the outset only offends them and makes them panic.

So give a LOT, earn trust, and then moderate down to a manageable and livable level. Earning trust through consistent rewards allows them to hear you when you speak of your own needs.

Granted, there are those who are not just attention-seekers because they love YOU. Some are just plain narcissists, which is a word I hate to write because it's become so hackneyed and broad brushed. But in those cases, you cannot ever give them enough. They won't appreciate what you did for them yesterday because that's not today--and there is no satisfying their starvation to keep you as their front-and-center audience. In such cases, ya gotta just get away from them. There is no negotiating, and there will never be a balance of respect. So in this case, go--just GO.

[ShySoul]

19 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

In the beginning, it may not be enough to give them a little, because the bottomless pit in them can't yet trust that there will ever be more going forward. They know no patience, they don't recognize boundaries, and that's why talking about those at the outset only offends them and makes them panic.

Ok, when did you meet my mother? 😉

Seriously, you've just summed up what I've struggled to get to for ages. And you've given better tips then supposed professionals. Thank you.

[TeeDee]

Live someplace else.  If you have to continue living with mom, can you get a 2 bedroom place?  

[Cherylyn]

Even though I love my (local) mother dearly,  I too can only take her in small doses.  This is what boundaries are.  I do what I can,  deliver her favorite (home cooked, store bought or take out) meals,  sides and desserts at random every few months,  purchase clothes and household items.  It's all I can do.  I'm on peaceful terms with my (local) siblings.  However,  I deliberately create boundaries in order to keep my sanity.

Space and time are what helps when you have complex people in your life. 

After summer,  will you be enrolled at uni?  If you're financially dependent upon your mother,  you'll have to endure her shenanigans until you leave because she won't change for you.  Change comes from you.  Either take breaks by stepping out or plan to move out. 

People with too much time on their hands,  tend to focus too much attention on whatever is available and you're available which is the problem.  Make yourself unavailable.  Get busy thinking of ways to avoid her.  Decrease interactions.  Enforce healthy boundaries.