My husbands creepy cousin...and uncle

[Kacie06]

It all started when I started dating my now husband in 2015. He was battling drug addiction and had went to a rehab center for 4 months. While he was gone, I went to his family gatherings (I was always friends with his sister and she was my boss at the time) I met his cousin at a fourth of July party. He was nice, told me how he was a police officer for a major city nearby, etc. Later that evening when I was going home the cousin asked if it was ok to message me on Facebook messenger because he wanted to know how my boyfriend was doing (the cousin has been through this and is 10 years sober) I didn’t see anything wrong that.

He messaged me, began asking questions about my boyfriend and what rehab center he was staying at. Harmless conversation. He then out of nowhere says “you know what helps with recovery? “sex.” I laughed at the message because I didn’t know really what to say. He then starts blowing me up saying stuff like “I would have sex with you all the time, and all day today I wish I had Xray vision so I can see what you look like underneath your clothes.” I ended the conversation, and said nothing back. The next day I showed my boyfriends sister (which is also the dudes cousin too) and she was pissed about it. I didn’t see him until months later around thanksgiving.. I kept my distance the best I could but one time when I went down the hall to the bathroom he stopped me from closing the door and came in, shutting the door half way behind him. I asked what he was doing and then heard someone coming up the stairs and he walked out quickly. It scared me. Christmas came, and he would “accidently” swing and his hand would hit my butt and he would jokingly apologize. I over heard him and his dad talk about how my butt looked good at easter. One time in the pool he swam under the water near me and rubbed my leg. It wasn’t until after my husband was about 6 months sober that I told him what was happening. I didn’t want to cause stress and problems with his family and I wanted him to focus on his sobriety. After I told him, we stopped going to family gatherings where we knew his cousin will be.

We got married 4 years ago and everything is going great, except when it comes to his family. My husband told his mom everything the cousin has done. Why we don’t come to certain gatherings anymore, why we ask who’s coming over at the pool before coming, ect. His mom was mad but then says “That’s just how he is, and you shouldn’t stop living your life because of him.” My husband told her that we do not want to be around him, so we will not be around if he’s here. The cousin knows everybody in the family knows about it, but he has not apologized to me or my husband. We have not been on a family vacation with my husbands family since being together because they always invite him. We feel like his family chooses the cousin over their own son and daughter in law and we have voiced to his mom on how it makes us feel. She told us she wasn’t choosing him and that the next family vacation will not be with the creepy cousin…but of course we just found out they are planning one soon because my husbands dad let it slip. We have been over a few times where they have lied and told us it was only going to be us and then find out his cousin is on the way. And we have left. The cousins dad (which is my husbands uncle) is a freaking creep as well. He tries to kiss me on the lips when he greets and says bye to me and he ALWAYS squeezes and picks me up and tells me how of a beautiful petite woman I am. UGH.

The only event we have been where he was there was for my husbands sisters wedding. However, my husbands parents anniversary is coming up and they are having a huge party and he is invited. My husbands sister is planning a birthday party for their mom and of course they are having it at the creepy cousins parents house. SMH. I’m just so tired of having to constantly worry about this. Should I just give up and not care about my feelings and get over it? I hate missing stuff, But I have been sexually assaulted in the past before I knew my husband and when I see his cousin, It gives me instant anxiety. It brings back all of those feelings. I feel sick to my stomach the whole time he's in the same room as me. We are just so angry with his parents and sisters because I know if the situation was reversed and it happened to them, they would not allow that person in their life.

[Seraphim]

I would just not go. You are in the right here. 

[Andrina]

Continue with your boundaries. Don't engage in long conversations about your reasons. You two already explained yourselves. They've made their decisions, and you and your husband made yours. End of story. I'm glad your husband is supportive and hasn't coerced you into attending things you're not comfortable with. In your shoes, for the parents' upcoming anniversary, I'd suggest to my husband that we take them out for a special dinner on a different day to celebrate the occasion since you won't be attending the bigger party.

[Seraphim]

As someone that was sexually abused long before I was married I wouldn’t put up with their behaviour either . 

[catfeeder]

I hear, and I sympathize. If you're feeling ripped off from missing gatherings you really do want to attend, I'd make this less about enforcing that the father divorce from his brother, or at least address the father directly instead of positioning the mother to impose this in her husband--which you can see is a fail--and more about ensuring that you and husband are locked at the hip during a brief stop-in.

Escort one another to the drink, to the food, to the restrooms, and visit with whoever you want to see. Then leave as soon as it's no longer enjoyable for you. Without goodbyes beyond the host. 

If this were a workplace, you could make a case for eliminating this person. If this were friends, you could avoid their parties and meet them out on double dates, instead. However, the link is the father's brother. So either address father directly with the issue, or team up to enjoy what you wish to attend--or avoid. Make alternate plans with family members you DO want to see.

Head high, and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[MissCanuck]

Nope, I wouldn't go to their family events anymore. 

And I wouldn't care if they didn't like it. Tough, 

[Kwothe28]

You do know that you can just choose to not go? Husband can go because they are his family but if they dont respect your boundaries and even sexually harass you, you can just not go to family reunions for that reason. 

[Kacie06]

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

You do know that you can just choose to not go? Husband can go because they are his family but if they dont respect your boundaries and even sexually harass you, you can just not go to family reunions for that reason. 

Yes, I know. That’s why we miss a lot. I don’t go to their thanksgiving or a lot in the summer because he is always over there swimming. I feel bad missing the big stuff. Their anniversary party I guess I’ll Just have to suck it up.. but my husbands moms 70th birthday I guess we will have to miss. I do encourage him to go without me. 

[Kacie06]

8 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I hear, and I sympathize. If you're feeling ripped off from missing gatherings you really do want to attend, I'd make this less about enforcing that the father divorce from his brother, or at least address the father directly instead of positioning the mother to impose this in her husband--which you can see is a fail--and more about ensuring that you and husband are locked at the hip during a brief stop-in.

Escort one another to the drink, to the food, to the restrooms, and visit with whoever you want to see. Then leave as soon as it's no longer enjoyable for you. Without goodbyes beyond the host. 

If this were a workplace, you could make a case for eliminating this person. If this were friends, you could avoid their parties and meet them out on double dates, instead. However, the link is the father's brother. So either address father directly with the issue, or team up to enjoy what you wish to attend--or avoid. Make alternate plans with family members you DO want to see.

Head high, and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

The link is actually my husbands moms brother and his son. That’s why I think she makes the excuses “that’s just how they are.”

[smackie9]

IMO your husband has to really step up more about it. I have a feeling you are not being all that supported and that's why you are here seeking some answers or just to be heard. 

[Kacie06]

6 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

IMO your husband has to really step up more about it. I have a feeling you are not being all that supported and that's why you are here seeking some answers or just to be heard. 

Luckily we haven't seen the cousin in person for 2-3 years since my sister in laws wedding. In my husbands defense, he didn't know how bad the situation was because it was all happening when he was using and the beginning stages of becoming sober. (he is now 8 years sober) He is very supportive in my decision and he did once try to call his cousin and texted him but got no response back. He have been doing pretty well at not being at things we know he is at. I just feel bad for my husband because I feel like he has to miss family things because of this. He reassures me that its not my fault, and he has slowly started to accept the fact that his family isn't going to put him first, and it probably won't ever change. It's just hard. 

[catfeeder]

7 hours ago, Kacie06 said:

The link is actually my husbands moms brother and his son. That’s why I think she makes the excuses “that’s just how they are.”

You know? I can't fathom why I assumed the wrong parent as I did, and I apologize.

I think you and husband can turn any event that you WANT to attend into something enjoyable, because you are unified. Stick together, socialize your way, and exit without the pretenses of goodbyes. You've got this!