Please HELP me recover from a controversy

[DarkCh0c0]

34 minutes ago, Xixi67 said:

i didn't want to pursue the degree abroad but its him who insisted, so I need to give it a bit more thought

Ouch. Why did he insist that you study abroad? 

If I notice correctly, you tend to bend to whatever your husband asks you to do? Including an abortion and country moves?

[Xixi67]

57 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Ouch. Why did he insist that you study abroad? 

If I notice correctly, you tend to bend to whatever your husband asks you to do? Including an abortion and country moves?

Accd to him its for a better future for both of us for career and finance. Yeah, I'm kinda like that whatever he says I always try to follow, even though sometimes it's not what I want.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Xixi67 said:

Accd to him its for a better future for both of us for career and finance. Yeah, I'm kinda like that whatever he says I always try to follow, even though sometimes it's not what I want.

Yes so now you're tempted to rebel like a teenager rebelling against a parent now that you're on your own.  Many people -especially women unfortunately have long satisfying marriages under the thumb of their partner -it's easier - you don't have to be responsible for choices "he insisted/he wanted" but what happens when the person has an epiphany/wakes up -maybe because of pursuing a degree far away -and realizes this under the thumb my husband treats me like a cute puppy and I ask him how high to jump -isn't working for you anymore -if it ever did. Like I said many couples live this way in a happy, satisfied way but it's risky when the power dynamic is set up that way.

"If you love someone set them free -if they come back they are  yours and if not they never were" - Setting free in a marriage often mean letting the other person -do what he or she wants to do (unless it breaks the marriage vows or other commitments between the partners) and even when the person finds it hard to let go of their partner -it's scary sometimes.

On mother's day last Sunday morning I received a text photo from the mom of my 15 year old son's friend -he was at their lake house for the weekend. He was in the middle of a lake on a paddle board (yes yes with a life jacket on....).  I made myself let him go, made myself not text him over the weekend because when you love someone to the ends of the earth you want what is best for them and what is best for him is to spread his wings and be away on mother's day and be in the middle of a lake. 

Studying for a degree is spreading your wings - you're growing and it's self growth.  He "insisted" but now you're not under his control -now  you get to make your own choices and he can't be there physically really at all-right?

So what do you want in a relationship -do you want to be able to be in the middle of a gorgeous lake knowing your partner will be there when you return and happy you're choosing to expand  your world and make your own choices - or do you want to be safe and tell yourself you'll be a good wifey and do whatever your husband "insists" on -except -uh oh - that other part of you then notices the hot classmate and you realize you've been tamping down too much what you want?

[DarkCh0c0]

12 minutes ago, Xixi67 said:

Accd to him its for a better future for both of us for career and finance. Yeah, I'm kinda like that whatever he says I always try to follow, even though sometimes it's not what I want.

So he's not a great husband as much as you think he is. 

A normal loving husband would not ask you to force yourself into such big life altering decisions. Both of your needs should be equally taken into account when making big decisions. 

And, you should learn how to say no and stand up to yourself. Being a doormat to your husband will result in frustrations, resentment, and unfulfillment in the long term. I'm sure you don't want to be a woman who just bends front and back to whatever her husband and people around her ask her to do.

I empathize with you as I was like you too with my first partner. All I can say is that I encourage you to reflect on your boundaries, romantic needs and expectations from your current partner and relationships in general.

Maybe pick up a book about emotional abuse? If he's so great why do I feel so bad is a good one. Here's a nice intro to it https://booktrib.com/2018/04/10/interview-avery-neal-emotional-abuse/ you might be able to identify some of the signs pertaining to your partner. If you struggle with your self esteem, the book is also a very good starting point.

[smackie9]

hey sista you do whatever you want to do. People have something on the side, get divorced, have open relationships, whatever. You are an adult you are able to make your own decisions. If $hit ain't working, have a talk with your husband about it. See what you both can decide on. I have to say just because you are having an emotional affair/desires so to speak...who's to say your husband isn't doing the same thing or worse. You are a big girl, you can figure this out.

[Xixi67]

Thanks a lot everyone for all these comments, suggestions and patience to help me out. I gave this whole situation a thought, as a person I'm an introvert and never want to cause any problem, as much as possible I try to stay anonymous. I tried to talk to my husband about our problems in communication and care i didn't mention abt my feelings toward my classmate but told him how his behavior is creating a gap in between us and how I feel disconnected, as well as my every cycle hormonal pressures craze me out how these can affect me if he is not understanding enough , firstly he was silent and said he understood but later started to get angry, i agree i deserve it even though everything is in my mind only. I'm an apologizing person, I always try to ask for excuse first and then express; however, I actually understood I don't want to create a fuss, chaos, problems and don't wanna feel guilty, it's just how I was as always..... My husband has his career pressure, loneliness so many things irl but he doesn't have anything romantic for me, the fact is that he used to have it so much but it started to fade after the 1 year of marriage, he remained consistent but became more self aware about his own earnings, self enjoyments and other things. I support the fact that he has the full right to do so. As a wife I was always self dependent but when I came abroad I had to take some money from him, his reaction was of course not so happy, he was complaining how money never stays in the accounts more than a month, how he can never save mone, and there are many more things incidents. But i do think he is doing many favors, which I can't repay.

Yesterday, he told me blatantly how he doesn't feel like saying anything like that anymore, but he still cares abt me and I should focus on my study. As a human being who had a terrible up bringing, lived mostly alone since 10 yrs old , I can't tell that I can live without love and care, i swear i'm such a weak being vulnerable to even a little amount of care... I'm sorry that I couldn't be a self supporting person. And it led to the current consequence i'm in,  I never said it was his fault to start with but it was me who was never strong enough. And this is my first time talking abt my problems to others..However, I just realized I don't wanna do anything that will cause problem, I also have a family even tho it's the most abusive one, hardly stayed with them bt the repayment of food & education isn't done yet. Husband has a family & also my granny 😅 i don't wanna cause prb to others,, also my frnd who is actually a very nice person will hve to suffer controversies & other peer pressures fr me if i do anything funny, for us post grads study is a very imp fact so not gonna cause a prb to him. It's fine as long as i can see and talk to him, that's enough and can stay as a good memory of my life. I hope it will heal slowly i'll be able to adapt myself with the changes and challenges. 

thanks again for all those nice words and suggestions, I understood so many things from all these questions, which i could never ask myself before.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Xixi67 said:

I'm an apologizing person, I always try to ask for excuse first and then express; however, I actually understood I don't want to create a fuss, chaos, problems and don't wanna feel guilty, it's just how I was as always.....

That's understandable because you came from an abusive household. You were taught not to cause any conflict. You were taught to not have an opinion and not express your needs. You were taught that your needs are not valid, and it's better to keep it bottled up. Steering some argument probably triggers you, so you rather avoid it and turn things around on you and blame yourself instead. That's easier and you don't have better coping skills.

OP, I really think you need to reflect on his reaction and the love you deserve. You may not know any better because you didn't have any better love, but I assure you that you can express yourself and your needs and get them met by yourself, with a healthy partner and friends. You can express yourself and be met with understanding rather than anger.

Do you have any kind friends around you? Do you go to events and mingle with people? I think you could use some support. Do you practice any hobby that brings you joy and helps you connect with your happy self?

I recommend that you also read up on inner child work. There are a lot of articles online that would be eye openers for you 🩷