Not doing well

[nattz4512]

I’m not doing too well. There is always a brick pileup and no escape.

I’m completely and utterly devastated..and suffering from a new and different heartbreak and heartache that I’ve never experienced before.

I’m completely lost. Devastated. Hopeless. Without peace.

Completely still heartbroken over neighbor guy. Doesn’t make things better that he still continues to watch my home on his way to and from work daily…hoping for a glimpse of me.
He confessed to me during our relationship, that he looks at my home daily hoping to see me, but has been unsuccessful most of the time. He said that he didn’t ask me to meet me during those times for a quick hug and greeting because he knew that I’d be busy and that I would be unable to.

At the time I thought he was just saying that to be sweet or telling me what he thought I’d want to hear… I didn’t think he was being truthful, until I saw him do this a few times.

I still love him very much. The distance and silence continue to crush me. I am struggling to accept things, continue no contact, and respect his wishes.

I am struggling to cope in other/most areas of my life as well. Things are rapidly changing, and I don’t cope well with change…especially drastic ones.

Dealing with the heartbreak and loss of 4 long term neighbors of mine who were friendly to me (I’m not use to anyone being friendly towards me, nor talking to me) passing away.

One passed away years ago

One passed away in October of last year..just found out about a week ago. Someone moved into his place rather quickly.

 

One passed (I’m assuming…she was sickly, developed a crook in her back and neck was unable to literally hold her head up) about 2 months ago. Hadn’t seen her in a month. Soon after saw people clearing out her home and packing/ moving her belongings…soon after that, saw maintenence people, cleaners, painters,etc…

One lived alone and had to eventually move into a senior home..her dementia had rapidly progressed and she passed soon after moving. Her niece who had became her caregiver and lived with her for about a month before moving who was nice…also passed away shortly after moving and around the same time as her aunt. The nieces daughter who was nice and helped with the move….shortly after moving, fell on a patch of ice, which caused her to hit her head on the pavement hard, knocking her into a coma for about 4 months. After she had woken up from the coma, had unfortunately suffered permanent brain damage. Although still alive, she has severe functionality disabilities and will have to spend the remainder of life in a care facility.away from her husband and young daughter…as she can’t independently function.

 

First neighbor passed 10 years ago.. sons inherited home..nice neighbors. One son lived and maintained home ever since passing of mother.

In February decided he no longer wanted to remain there. Spent March packing and the real estate agent quickly found a buyer. Gave a house tour to the buyers today. Finished emptying house today. Today was the last day I probably will ever see him again. He quickly left without any goodbye.

I am saddened, and stressed about the idea of new neighbour’s and everything happening quickly.

 

Mom’s memory, health and dementia continue to be challenging issue. Her memory and cognitive abilities continue to decline. In addition, she recently developed hearing loss. In addition to me repeating things, I have to raise my voice significantly so that she can hear me. As a naturally quiet, reserved person ..this is no easy task.

 

Mom’s sister and last remaining sibling , has been in and out of the hospital with serious health problems for about a month. She has dementia and hearing loss also. Both are in a state of depression. Unfortunately the two siblings have to sever the only method of communication.. telephone, because Mom’s sister can’t hold a coherent and rational conversation any longer as she doesn’t understand…also, she can no longer hear well.

Both are depressed about life, aging, and health. Both reminisce about earlier and more capable years.

This breaks my heart, and it breaks further knowing that I can’t “fix” it.

 

Next month will mark the first year since the tragic passing of a stray cat I fed daily and tried to get a home for years. He was finally coming around and I had finally found a home for him. The day before departure…Couldn’t find him (as he usually waits to greet me by my house) ..looked out my window and saw his lifeless corpse lying in the street near my home. Looked like he was poisoned, had a heart attack, and dumped.. he never strayed from a specific location…Was going to collect and bury. By the time I gathered supplies, garbage collection bagged and disposed of him.. he hated and was scared of plastic bags…and one was essentially his coffin. He wasn’t garbage..I love him deeply..it breaks my heart daily.

Saw a cat that was either him paying a visit or another who resembled him…yesterday. by the time I had gone to check it out, he was gone. I broke down crying and couldn’t stop. .for the remainder of the day.

Unfortunately, his corpse was by the home of the neighbor guy. Each time I look out the window, I am faced reliving both departures.

In August will make the 3 year passing of another furry gentle soul. My “dog” passed away tragically, after suffering excruciating pain fot a month prior to her passing, due to my foster family prolonging her suffering..Denying my feeble attempts that fell on death ears and hearts to get medical assistance for her. To either end her suffering or perhaps provide a cure. (Will tell of details and her story in another post..someday) after her passing they blamed me for it and basically have been telling me to get over it.

In addition to everything, I have developed memory loss, jumbled speech and thought, brain fog, not being able to focus nor concentrate on many tasks. I can no longer multi-task..barely can focus on one. I suspect perhaps early dementia or something. Casual pc relaxing mental restoring games don’t help.

All of these things plus more have left me in shambles..daily. I am constantly in tears.. I am in tears now as I am typing this.

 

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, nattz4512 said:

. Doesn’t make things better that he still continues to watch my home on his way to and from work daily…hoping for a glimpse of me. We are both depressed about life, aging, and health. Both reminisce about earlier and more capable years.

Sorry this is happening. Please take care of yourself and the other stressors and voids In your life including your and your mother's physical and mental health.  While it's understandable you're disappointed and unhappy you can't keep blaming a neighbor for living where he lives and causing all your unhappiness . 

Please stop staring out the window and monitoring him.  He's not trying to get a glimpse of you. He served as a distraction and band-aid for all your other losses and problems but now you're angry that's no longer there.  And that's not helping you feel better. 

 

[boltnrun]

Do you have a social worker assigned to your case?

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Do you have a social worker assigned to your case?

My question, too.

My heart goes out to you, and you are always welcome to write here.

[Jaunty]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time.   Have you considered joining any type of meetup group, or seeing if you might be able to have lunch or dinner with someone from your work?  

[boltnrun]

8 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time.   Have you considered joining any type of meetup group, or seeing if you might be able to have lunch or dinner with someone from your work?  

She is homebound. That's why I asked about her social worker. They are trained in many facets of the community they serve. 

[Jaunty]

I don't have time to look back now but in at least one fairly recent thread she posted that her life consisted only of being at work and then home, with no family or friends.  

OK I just did look back and in October OP said 

Quote

At work is the only time people acknowledge me and talk to me....even though it's to give orders and talk at me

. A couple of posts later they said that they are disabled and would be "forever unemployed."

Regardless, the OP is obviously suffering and in an unhealthy state mentally and probably physically.  I am not trying to "out" them but it's very hard to try to help someone if you don't have any real idea of the parameters of their life.  

I would like to help.