How to help him find a purpose in life

[L212k]

Hi everyone, I am new on here. Thank you for taking the time to read this post. I am looking for advice to help my husband. I will try to make it as short as possible. My husband and I have been together for 7 years and are very happy together. The thing is he has a lot of childhood trauma. It is one of those situations where his brother was the golden boy and anything my husband ever did was wrong. His parents never believed in him and anything he ever wanted to do; it was a dumb idea. My husband developed a stutter as a child because of this. His father forced him to study accounting in college because it was “the only profession to make money and be successful”. He was given an ultimatum of studying accounting or being disowned. He dropped out of college after 2 years because he hated it so much. Since he wasn’t going to college his father told him to help with the family restaurant. He did that for 5 years and every day he would come home looking defeated and miserable. This is where he started drinking alcohol regularly. His father made life miserable for him at the restaurant. He would constantly put him down in front of the employees and eventually the employees didn’t respect him and showed it. One day my husband finally couldn’t do it anymore and quit. I was working full time at a medical office. Our house was paid off so we were fine. 4 years later my husband is still unemployed and struggling with alcohol addiction. He wants to quit and often goes a month without alcohol but then he either gets a call from his father or he sees his father and just the interaction makes him go back to drinking. He saw a therapist for 4 years but eventually had to stop going because we couldn’t afford it on my small salary when I was paying all the bills. I started nursing school a few months ago and for one year I told him I would not be able to work at all during nursing school and to please find a job but he hasn’t. My husband is not lazy by any means. He cooks 3 delicious meals a day, he does all the laundry, and everything to do with the house. The thing is he has ZERO confidence in himself even though I’ve never met a more capable person in my life. He is very smart, way smarter than I am. I really feel if he could find a purpose in life he could come out of this. He feels he is too old to go back to college (he is 35) and just doesn’t know what kind of job he could get without needing a degree. I am now months into the nursing program which is super expensive (I am paying for that with my savings). We are living off of his savings. My husband is good with the stock market and has a few thousand dollars saved. I have nursing school stress, financial concern stress, and stress for my husband’s health. He has physical signs of what the alcohol is doing to him. He has told me on a few occasions that if I wasn’t in his life he would have already killed himself. The guilt of him not providing for me is really affecting him but at the same time he just can’t make himself get out into the world and find a job. He is just scared of the world and no matter how much I encourage him, he just doesn’t have the confidence to try. I just wish I knew what else I could do to help him. How can I help him find a purpose in life

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, L212k said:

. This is where he started drinking alcohol . 4 years later my husband is still unemployed and struggling with alcohol addiction. 

Sorry this is happening. Please stop enabling him. Please discontinue focusing on his "childhood trauma". The past can't be changed and it's no excuse for unemployment and drinking. Please stop entertaining this, it does more harm than good.

Please try to suggest appropriate solutions such as detox, rehab and AA. Please also try to suggest he see a physician for an evaluation of his physical and mental health and get some tests done and ask for a referral to a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support and sobriety help and especially suicidal ideation. Mental health is not a do-it-yourself project. 

Please step way back. It's not your job to "find his purpose", please get help and support for yourself.  Therapy for yourself could help you get out of enabling and fixing mode and help you stay in your own lane and heal yourself instead.

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

[TeeDee]

If you can scrape together a few bucks perhaps hire him a life coach.  If money is an issue check some coaching books out of the library.   

You can't find his purpose.  He has to do that himself. There are guides on the internet but he has to do the exercises.  

[yogacat]

You have quite a lot on your mind, my friend!  

To answer your question, you can't...

I completely understand, as I share the same worry for a loved one. They went through a life-threatening health issue that they barely made it out of. Some nights, I can't sleep because I just hope he can find joy again. And, I need to find my own as well (life purpose).

Your SO has to find his own purpose and it is either going to come from within or he is gong to have to seek help from a therapist. I am not sure but there may even be some courses online that can help him discover his purpose.

Friend, finding a purpose, is a great challenge, so many things that can fill our lives but is a real quest to find a reason to be alive.

[Batya33]

I agree with the above.  Also are you going to Alanon meetings? Since he has food service experience why can't he get a job for now in the hospitality/restaurant industry -perhaps with health insurance benefits so he can return to therapy? Might not be his purpose but will serve other purposes.