Can't Get Past Girlfriend's Old Relationship

[Towny]

Here's my problem: my girlfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half and we've begun the process of moving in together in a few months. I have always had issues with her having some male friends, but I have come to terms with it and now I even hang out with them, which is fine with me now because I see that they are truly friends, even if at one point some of them wanted to be more. This I can handle.

 

But what I am having trouble with now is that she was invited to a get-together from a guy she has only mentioned a few times before but I have never met. She asked if I wanted to come, too, and I said OK. Then I find out from a mutual friend that they had "been together" briefly right before we started going out. Now I understand that it's in the past, we all have old relationships. But now all I can think about is them being together and why she never told me about it. I am dreading going to this party now and I want to be OK with this. And to make it worse, apparently he's somewhat of a player and jumps from woman to woman which makes it that much more degrading in my mind because it makes me think that she was just another score for him.

 

So, I guess my question is, has anybody else ever had a similar situation? I realize this is just something I have to get over, but I just can't get it out of my head now. Any reply would be appreciated.

[punchy504]

you've got to get yourself to the point where you don't think about what happened as between that guy and your girlfriend, it was just something that happened between two random people.

 

we all have people from before, what's important is now

[RayKay]

Well, I think you have to meet him and even then you can either like him or not, but don't go just on what others say. I think though you need to be able to keep that trust with your girlfriend continual - if you trust her with the other male friends, you should be able to trust her with this one (player or not!). Just because he is a player does not mean she is open to getting "played" in other words.

 

If you are planning on taking that step to move in, that is evidence of commitment on her part as well.

 

I wonder if maybe you are more upset that she did not disclose how she knew him? I know a few months ago at the bar with a girlfriend of mine, I ran into an OLD ex (from when I was 14-16) and we started talking, I called my partner and told him I ran into a friend (and he was with another friend from school), and he & I and my girlfriend and his friends were going to go to another place as he did marketing for a big energy drink company and had a show going on. It was only later when I got home my partner found out it was an ex and was VERY upset about it though he did not tell me right away, even though he has no problem with guy friends - he thought I was being dishonest (had not intended to be, I did not think of ex as "ex" but as someone from when I was WAY younger - turned out he had often thought of me and regretted some things but I rarely of him now!). I was stunned he was that upset as I never meant it that way, he was quite upset about it, and talked to other people before telling me what the problem was (just sulked for a day without letting me know what was wrong!), but we resolved the issue. I admitted my fault in not telling him it was an ex, and he admitted he overreacted as he DID trust me, and that I HAD told him, just did not have good timing!

 

I say just communicate you are a bit "frazzled" that you only now found out he was an ex and his history and it made you uncomfortable not to have the information given to you by her herself. She honestly may have not done so to protect you, or because he is so OFF her radar she never even thought to mention it...but talk to her rather than let the resentment brew up!

[Towny]

Thanks for the replies. I'm pretty sure that she didn't tell me because she knows I would have been uncomfortable, but I just wish she would have mentioned it to me when she spoke about him for the first or second time months ago. I'm not worried about them ever getting together, but I do think she wants to see him again---for whatever reason. It's the sexual part that bothers me. I can't get that thought out of my head, even though she's had other relationships, as we all did, and I don't dwell on those.

 

Strange, I know.....I just don't like the secrecy of this situation. I'll probably get over it after we talk and I meet the guy, but right now it is eating at me something fierce.

[RegretfulStudent]

Just remember while you're at the party: Who is she going home with?

 

That usually helped me, because I have definitely been in that situation before.

[Falucchi]

So is it the fact that she was deceitful about her involvement with this guy, or the fact that she had meaningless sex with this guy? Or the fact that she wants to see him again and party with him?

 

You're entitled to feel whatever you feel. I'd find it extremely uncomfortable if my partner wanted to hang-out with or be friends with former lovers--they're not actually in the past then--being with them is sort of like an open door for these people to be in our future--I wouldn't like that. I don't think how you're feeling is unusual or 'wrong.'

 

You can't change the past, so if you want to stay with this girl, you'll just have to accept it, despite how you might feel about it right now. You might look at the dude and wonder what she ever saw in him.

 

If you're going to move in together soon, you might want to have a serious talk about the "house rules"-- will either of you have former lovers over to the house you share? When the other person is not home? Is it OK for her to invite her male friends over when you're gone?

take care

[Iceman26]

Just remember while you're at the party: Who is she going home with?

 

Good statement.

 

Its always a wise policy to not date girls with guy friends, but in this case, your girlfriend seems perfectly willing to have you around all of her guy friends, so you are good to go dude.

 

I sympathize with how you are feeling, I would be weirded out too and I wouldnt feel like going either.........but as regretfulstudent said, who is she going home with?