Advice n comment :)

[Cat1203]

Hi guys,

im nearly 5 months post bu, 2 months no contact and I’m doing okay just sad some times mostly at night but nothing that will make me reach out again after being disrespected and ghosted. But I just wanted to ask, does this feeling of time just dragging on during a breakup past. I feel it won’t get better than this. I’m happy some days and okay some, it’s only small periods of sadness but that’s because I wasn’t happy in the relationship and I knew the end was coming due to him saying months before he fell out of love but still loved me.

but I just feel time is dragging on such as I’m always gonna be stuck feeling the same. I remember what it was like without a breakup but I was with my ex partner for 4 years and it feels like centuries I can’t remember what it’s like to be alone.

i have told myself I don’t want a partner for a while now, not even open to dating as I tried one date and it’s put me off. And I realised I’m not ready also, I made a mistake as I still love my ex etc. I was wondering on help on healing and by this I mean healing trauma I’ve experienced in the past. I’m also anxiously attached, so I know I have some problems such as coming across ‘too needy’ but then I get told I’ll find someone who will like that but then I see stuff saying you can work on it to become more secure. I always let people walk all over me due to my emotions of caring and loving. I feel when I’m in a relationship I just allow disrespect and not being treated the way I should due to me believing it’ll change, or they’ll see how I’m treating them. Just want to work on things like that and I know therapy helps but I’m also thinking of what things I can do myself.

j know I have low self-esteem I believe this is still from the first relationship I ever had as it was abusive and now part of it is now because I’ve been told someone’s fell out of love with me so it’s added, when I put 110% in and it wasn’t enough due to them feeling that way, nothing could be done as feelings are feelings but it’s still a blow. Any help, advice or comments of people been or going through similar will be grateful

ps. I’m writing this now as just finished a 13 hour shift as a nurse and I’m feeling overwhelmed and sad, so started thinking of my ex.

[Batya33]

I think you give it time while you build a fun fulfilling life - no need to date to do so.  Build it one step at a time and the more you do -things with others, things for  yourself - the more you will create distance from him in a positive way.

I am 57. I have never met any healthy stable person who enjoyed -other than maybe in teensy weensy doses -being around a needy adult.  For sure needy if the adult was in crisis/ill/in a bad situation - but needy in general - nope.  I do know of unhealthy people who enjoy being around needy people - they feel powerful, they can easily control the person, etc.  I would not tell myself that someone will love you for who you are when -you don't.  You're not happy with certain aspects of who you are.  And for sure I wouldn't take my emotional temperature after working as hard and as intensely as you do and when you're tired -that's a really fragile, vulnerable time!

I hope you feel better and slowly think outside the box -fun fulfilling life need not include dating if you're not ready, especially. Creating that life will improve your self esteem in a natural/organic way.  It's not "work" that way -it's an outgrowth of walking the walk -showing yourself you are a person who creates and proactively gets out there to experience and do things that are fun and/or meaningful to you. Then let yourself have a specific 5-10 minute "pity party" every day or so where you dwell on your ex.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Cat1203 said:

But I just wanted to ask, does this feeling of time just dragging on during a breakup past. I feel it won’t get better than this. I’m happy some days and okay some, it’s only small periods of sadness

Good progress. The happy and okay days tend to increase and the sad times decrease, but not exactly on their own. Healing happens to the degree that we participate in moving our focus away from the stuff that keeps us sad. If we sentence ourselves to feeling lousy, and we dwell on the things that keep us feeling that way, then those experiences will feel like they are dragging on, and they won't just change on their own.

Hang in there, and keep up the good work. 

[ShySoul]

You know the saying "time flies when you're having fun?" The reverse is also true. Time drags when you are miserable. Every moment feels like an eternity. Each day passes into the next and you feel stuck in place, never really getting anywhere. You have several good days, feel like you've made progress. Then the bad day hits and you feel you are back at square one.

It's a difficult cycle to break out of. But it can and does get better if you let some light into your life, even if it's just a little each day. You focus on you and what you love. You find the things that make you truly happy, so happy that it puts all the hurt and lonliness to the side and gives you moments and experiences that you'll remember and cherish. Little by little you can replace the hurt with joy, the lonliness with self fulfillment, and the darkness with light. Rather then dreading yet another day, you start to look forward to things because you remember how much fun they are and anticpate doing them again. 

If I could offer any advice, it would be to recognize that people are individuals and thus responsible for their own actions. If someone is abusive or disrespectable, that is because of them. You did not cause it, nor are you responsible for getting them to change. It's okay that you care about the person and want things to change. It's okay if you talk to them and tell them they should change. But you can't make them change if they aren't ready to or be someone they aren't.

The only person you are ultimately responsible for is you. It's great to be caring and loving to others. But you have to first be loving and caring to yourself. If you aren't then you won't be happy, regardless of having a relationship or not. Rather then worry about coming across as needy, focus on fulfilling your own needs for yourself. If I cooked a meal I could give some to my family, friends, neighbors. But what good would that do if I let myself starve in the process? I would end up sick and in the hospital. Likewise, you have to take care of your emotional needs first. You have to show yourself the love and respect you want. 

Don't worry about dating if you aren't ready. Dating and finding a partner consumes far too much of people's energy. Right now should be all about you. Learn to be happy on your own, being free to explore all parts of you and things you are into. Try simply dating yourself, doing whatever interests you. The conversations will probably be far more interesting anyway. 😉

[Batya33]

I think when you're ready to date and -for  you-with the intention of finding a partner- the investment of time and effort will be more than worth it.  But if you're going to be comparing the new people to your ex -more than fleeting thoughts you can easily brush away -then that will be too distracting and you might choose someone who is "opposite" which doesn't mean that's a good fit either because of the intense comparison perspective.  Hope you're doing better  today.  

[Cat1203]

On 4/6/2024 at 4:19 AM, catfeeder said:

Good progress. The happy and okay days tend to increase and the sad times decrease, but not exactly on their own. Healing happens to the degree that we participate in moving our focus away from the stuff that keeps us sad. If we sentence ourselves to feeling lousy, and we dwell on the things that keep us feeling that way, then those experiences will feel like they are dragging on, and they won't just change on their own.

Hang in there, and keep up the good work. 

Why am I so so scared and worried in finding out anything about my ex, such as if he’s dating someone else, if he’s sleeps with someone else and what he’s doing. I’ve told my friends not to tell me anything but I’m so worried about finding anything out as I know it will absolutely crush me cause I know he can’t give me what he will be giving another person and I don’t know if I’ll ever get over that feeling or how long im going to feel like that and I’m scared about that 

[Cat1203]

On 4/7/2024 at 7:07 AM, ShySoul said:

You know the saying "time flies when you're having fun?" The reverse is also true. Time drags when you are miserable. Every moment feels like an eternity. Each day passes into the next and you feel stuck in place, never really getting anywhere. You have several good days, feel like you've made progress. Then the bad day hits and you feel you are back at square one.

It's a difficult cycle to break out of. But it can and does get better if you let some light into your life, even if it's just a little each day. You focus on you and what you love. You find the things that make you truly happy, so happy that it puts all the hurt and lonliness to the side and gives you moments and experiences that you'll remember and cherish. Little by little you can replace the hurt with joy, the lonliness with self fulfillment, and the darkness with light. Rather then dreading yet another day, you start to look forward to things because you remember how much fun they are and anticpate doing them again. 

If I could offer any advice, it would be to recognize that people are individuals and thus responsible for their own actions. If someone is abusive or disrespectable, that is because of them. You did not cause it, nor are you responsible for getting them to change. It's okay that you care about the person and want things to change. It's okay if you talk to them and tell them they should change. But you can't make them change if they aren't ready to or be someone they aren't.

The only person you are ultimately responsible for is you. It's great to be caring and loving to others. But you have to first be loving and caring to yourself. If you aren't then you won't be happy, regardless of having a relationship or not. Rather then worry about coming across as needy, focus on fulfilling your own needs for yourself. If I cooked a meal I could give some to my family, friends, neighbors. But what good would that do if I let myself starve in the process? I would end up sick and in the hospital. Likewise, you have to take care of your emotional needs first. You have to show yourself the love and respect you want. 

Don't worry about dating if you aren't ready. Dating and finding a partner consumes far too much of people's energy. Right now should be all about you. Learn to be happy on your own, being free to explore all parts of you and things you are into. Try simply dating yourself, doing whatever interests you. The conversations will probably be far more interesting anyway. 😉

Hi thank you so so much for you response. I’m so worried about finding out him with someone else it will rip me apart i don’t know how to cope as im worrying about it when I don’t even know it’s happened just incase it does happen, 

[Batya33]

I like you told your friends not to tell you anything about him.  Hopefully if you ever hear you will have moved on long before.

[Cat1203]

On 4/7/2024 at 12:48 PM, Batya33 said:

I think when you're ready to date and -for  you-with the intention of finding a partner- the investment of time and effort will be more than worth it.  But if you're going to be comparing the new people to your ex -more than fleeting thoughts you can easily brush away -then that will be too distracting and you might choose someone who is "opposite" which doesn't mean that's a good fit either because of the intense comparison perspective.  Hope you're doing better  today.  

Hi, 

I am going to spend some time alone as I know I need to heal, not just from the relationship but other personal issues as I don’t want to allow certain behaviours and just be strong enough and respect myself enough so need to improve myself and self esteem as I have very little im a very sensitive person 

[Cat1203]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I like you told your friends not to tell you anything about him.  Hopefully if you ever hear you will have moved on long before.

Yeah im still really really anxious about finding anything out. Thats one of my biggest issues at the minute, not so much I miss him. I do but im more worried about that I dont know why i am, i do still love him but im also angry at how he left the last conversation by ghosting its disrespectful especially when he was the one reaching out i didnt do anything to even disrupt him. I do miss him ag times. When I’m even walking home from work I can’t help my self from look at the cars that go past incase he does and when I see a similar car I get anxiety incase it’s him

[ShySoul]

5 hours ago, Cat1203 said:

I’m so worried about finding out him with someone else it will rip me apart i don’t know how to cope as im worrying about it when I don’t even know it’s happened just incase it does happen, 

That's a pefectly natural fear. Finding out they are with someone else is like that final slam of the door that says it's over and you should give up all hope. It makes you question why this other person gets the love that you couldn't. You wonder what they have that you don't. You can be doing well but hearing that would bring everything right back to the surface.

I once loved someone with all my heart. She stopped things between us. Within a month she had not only started seeing someone else, she got engaged to him. A month after that she messages me to say hi and proceeds to tell me she got married. If anything will rip you apart, tearing the heart right from your chest, it's that. I honestly felt like the world had ended and there was no point in going on.

But a funny thing happened, I did go on. I hurt for a long time. It wasn't easy. But I recovered. Now I can look back on that and see that she wasn't right for me. I can see that the experience helped me grow as a person and that I was stronger then I thought I was. I met someone even better. Meanwhile she admitted her marriage was a mistake. 

If you want to avoid him, do what makes you feel best. But know that you are stronger then you think you are. You will survive this and flourish one day. You will grow as a person and one day you will look back and learn from it all. And hopefully someone better will be out there for you as well. I believe in you, so believe in yourself.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Cat1203 said:

Hi, 

I am going to spend some time alone as I know I need to heal, not just from the relationship but other personal issues as I don’t want to allow certain behaviours and just be strong enough and respect myself enough so need to improve myself and self esteem as I have very little im a very sensitive person 

I would never look at it as alone - are you alone when you are with friends or acquaintances? I mean it is totally fine to enjoy and crave me time, time alone but no one is alone just because the person is not in a romantic relationship and a person can be alone and in a romantic relationship.  For me anyway the best way to be healthy with a healthy mindset is to interact with people and balance with being on my own - whether it's at work, volunteer work, the gym, a phone call with a close friend.  You want better self esteem and self respect?

Make sure you are briskly moving your body every single day.  I do it for a cardio effect so I work out daily and wow it clears my mind, makes me feel stronger in mind and in body. 

Drink enough water -I personally try to do 10-12 glasses a day at least.  Hydrating clears your mind too and if you crave sweets like me it lessens the cravings especially if you don't do artificially sweet or sweet beverages.  It's basic stuff.  Avoid the abstract concepts and psychospeak like healing. 

Unless it truly works for you and motivates you -for me the basic words the nitty gritty brings me to a real and genuine mindset.  Like people who want to do a 3-5 day "cleanse" of "toxins" -sure that might work but you know what - it feels quite clean to drink enough water, get enough rest and eat something raw daily or even with every meal -like, you know, some apple slices, a banana, a juicy tomato on a sandwich. 

Basic and simple so you don't get tempted to get all in your head with the next best trendy phrase for "healing."  For sure if you believe you have mental health issues seek out professional counseling -I'm just referring to your analysis of your current situation.  I hope you feel better today!

[Cat1203]

On 4/12/2024 at 11:38 AM, Batya33 said:

I would never look at it as alone - are you alone when you are with friends or acquaintances? I mean it is totally fine to enjoy and crave me time, time alone but no one is alone just because the person is not in a romantic relationship and a person can be alone and in a romantic relationship.  For me anyway the best way to be healthy with a healthy mindset is to interact with people and balance with being on my own - whether it's at work, volunteer work, the gym, a phone call with a close friend.  You want better self esteem and self respect?

Make sure you are briskly moving your body every single day.  I do it for a cardio effect so I work out daily and wow it clears my mind, makes me feel stronger in mind and in body. 

Drink enough water -I personally try to do 10-12 glasses a day at least.  Hydrating clears your mind too and if you crave sweets like me it lessens the cravings especially if you don't do artificially sweet or sweet beverages.  It's basic stuff.  Avoid the abstract concepts and psychospeak like healing. 

Unless it truly works for you and motivates you -for me the basic words the nitty gritty brings me to a real and genuine mindset.  Like people who want to do a 3-5 day "cleanse" of "toxins" -sure that might work but you know what - it feels quite clean to drink enough water, get enough rest and eat something raw daily or even with every meal -like, you know, some apple slices, a banana, a juicy tomato on a sandwich. 

Basic and simple so you don't get tempted to get all in your head with the next best trendy phrase for "healing."  For sure if you believe you have mental health issues seek out professional counseling -I'm just referring to your analysis of your current situation.  I hope you feel better today!

Hi,

sorry about the late response I’ve been taking my time trying not to speak about it as much as much as I feel I want to about the situation. 
I’ve whipped out my academic journal which has dates in and days for each week to plan stuff for the week so I can keep busy. Some days I’ve put walks for an hour, some days reading at least a certain amount of pages. Some seeing friends, and some empty. 
I also rang about therapy as a referral so I’ll have an initial appointment on the 22nd but I’m not sure on the wait list as it’s quite long in the uk as everything is under funded, the government is rubbish!

just still full with the same dreary feeling of when will I stop missing him, wanting him to contact me and it feels like it’ll be forever 

[Cat1203]

On 4/12/2024 at 6:42 AM, ShySoul said:

That's a pefectly natural fear. Finding out they are with someone else is like that final slam of the door that says it's over and you should give up all hope. It makes you question why this other person gets the love that you couldn't. You wonder what they have that you don't. You can be doing well but hearing that would bring everything right back to the surface.

I once loved someone with all my heart. She stopped things between us. Within a month she had not only started seeing someone else, she got engaged to him. A month after that she messages me to say hi and proceeds to tell me she got married. If anything will rip you apart, tearing the heart right from your chest, it's that. I honestly felt like the world had ended and there was no point in going on.

But a funny thing happened, I did go on. I hurt for a long time. It wasn't easy. But I recovered. Now I can look back on that and see that she wasn't right for me. I can see that the experience helped me grow as a person and that I was stronger then I thought I was. I met someone even better. Meanwhile she admitted her marriage was a mistake. 

If you want to avoid him, do what makes you feel best. But know that you are stronger then you think you are. You will survive this and flourish one day. You will grow as a person and one day you will look back and learn from it all. And hopefully someone better will be out there for you as well. I believe in you, so believe in yourself.

Hi sorry about the late reply! 
Yes that is exactly right! But it’s been nearly 5 months now so surely it should be getting better that fear but I just feel it’s maximised even worse. I feel like it’ll be a year later and when he does move on it’ll still crush me and don’t want to be like that. I want to be over it, just sick of the same dreary feeling and constantly thinking about him

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Cat1203 said:

Hi sorry about the late reply! 
Yes that is exactly right! But it’s been nearly 5 months now so surely it should be getting better that fear but I just feel it’s maximised even worse. I feel like it’ll be a year later and when he does move on it’ll still crush me and don’t want to be like that. I want to be over it, just sick of the same dreary feeling and constantly thinking about him

I would mitigate the worry about learning of ex being with someone else by assuming that he's already with someone else.

So, where to go from there? I can stop the rumination. It's done--he's with someone else, and I can move beyond moping and get on with my life.

Give it a shot.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Cat1203 said:

Hi,

sorry about the late response I’ve been taking my time trying not to speak about it as much as much as I feel I want to about the situation. 
I’ve whipped out my academic journal which has dates in and days for each week to plan stuff for the week so I can keep busy. Some days I’ve put walks for an hour, some days reading at least a certain amount of pages. Some seeing friends, and some empty. 
I also rang about therapy as a referral so I’ll have an initial appointment on the 22nd but I’m not sure on the wait list as it’s quite long in the uk as everything is under funded, the government is rubbish!

just still full with the same dreary feeling of when will I stop missing him, wanting him to contact me and it feels like it’ll be forever 

That's very ambitious! I've always been an avid reader and when the pandemic started I decided to start staying off social media more -because of the overwhelming amount of covid stuff- and divisiveness and judgey-ness and read even more -take more of a no screens break at night (yes we have the TV on -I mean computer/phone). I think it helps mental health a lot so I'm a fan of it!