I’ve made a huge mess of my life and I don’t know why or what to do

[AbsolutelyMessedUp]

Hi, I’m in my mid 20s and I’ve had a pretty big realisation that I’ve messed up my life already

I grew up with an abusive family and worked hard to get into medical school. I worked hard and partied hard and had a mental breakdown when I was a year away from qualifying. I had a breakdown when I started to come to terms with the fact my father sexually assaulted me (once?) while working on the wards and learning about a similar case. Tried to get the uni to help, my tutor came on to me and I was told by a different tutor that if I was this mentally ill I could never be a doctor… cue dropping out.

Told my parents I was dropping out without saying about the abuse bit, mainly because my dad was/is majorly ill and basically now a fraction of what he was after a catastrophic stroke while I was at medical school. He isn’t the man that abused me, he’s not much at all.

Mum went mental learning I was dropping out, I wasn’t allowed to come home, cue homelessness and working in rubbish jobs to get by.

Then clinged to my boyfriend for security, who never liked me as much as I liked him. Got pregnant, wanted to keep the baby, didn’t because he didn’t want to and I couldn’t give a child a good life by myself. I was drinking heavily at the time I conceived also so it wouldn’t have been fair anyway but I’m still grieving. 

Now we’re a couple years on and I’m living in a new city, decent if mind-numbing job, where no one knows my past. Breaking up with my boyfriend, because he wants to screw other people and has tried his best to do so, but I’m so in debt from years of turmoil, to keep my job I’ve got to move home with my parents and commute in.

I have no idea how to get out this hole and I’ve no idea why I blew it all up and why it’s been all so hard. I’ve no idea if moving home is even a good idea but I’m not sure what else there is to do. Therapist says to tell my mother about the abuse but I don’t see the point. It would just emotionally wreck her all over again.
 

I can’t financially live by myself, I’ve got to keep this job even if I want to quit because I’ve had 12 jobs in the last 4 years and can’t keep quitting and trying something else. Don’t want to tell my therapist I need to move home because I’m in debt and am too scared and too tired to do the whole insecure housing thing again.

Can’t go back to medicine as my country has a stupid rule where if you drop out once you can’t come back. Not that I’m stable enough anyway, I’m obviously very much a screw up

How do I stop self destructing, how do I reach the potential I once had, how do I do this?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, AbsolutelyMessedUp said:

 I was drinking heavily at the time I conceived also so it wouldn’t have been fair anyway but I’m still grieving. Therapist says to tell my mother about the abuse but I don’t see the point. It would just emotionally wreck her all over again. Don’t want to tell my therapist I need to move home because I’m in debt and am too scared and too tired to do the whole insecure housing thing again.

Sorry this is happening. If living at home again is too much turmoil, please go to social services for assistance with housing, food stamps, employment assistance and training and medical care and substance abuse help. 

If you have to move back in with your parents to avoid homelessness, please question the wisdom of telling your mother about what happened years ago.  If your parents weren't around what would you do? Why not consider doing that rather than moving back into turmoil. 

[Batya33]

How about pursuing something else in the medical field?  If you don't feel comfortable being open with your therapist  - maybe you're seeing the wrong therapist? I think many people make mistakes/take the long way around.  Also does your bank or credit card company have financial or credit counseling you can avail yourself of? I'm sorry you're struggling and sorry about the trauma you suffered!

[SooSad33]

Is there any way to get on 'assistance'? Where you don't have to move back home? If you've been seeing a therapist, ongoing, you can even 'build your case' and seek some kind of disability ( struggling with mental health - due to abuse ( hence PTSD, anxiety , depression etc) .. I don't know your mentality issues.. but it's an idea.

It's all up to you on seeking out what is available.  I was never a nurse but made it to a Health care worker, which took one year of college. Here they call it a PSW.

As mentioned, maybe you're with a therapist that isn't right for you, as you should feel comfrotable enough to be able to talk to them about anything.

I know you are feeling really low 😞 .. but you're still so young.  I don't see this as you messing your life up! I see this as you having some issue's and you're struggling atm.  And that you need some help.  So, please don't put yourself down for what's happened.  Many don't manage to complete their schooling, all for diff reasons.