Hi, I’m in my mid 20s and I’ve had a pretty big realisation that I’ve messed up my life already
I grew up with an abusive family and worked hard to get into medical school. I worked hard and partied hard and had a mental breakdown when I was a year away from qualifying. I had a breakdown when I started to come to terms with the fact my father sexually assaulted me (once?) while working on the wards and learning about a similar case. Tried to get the uni to help, my tutor came on to me and I was told by a different tutor that if I was this mentally ill I could never be a doctor… cue dropping out.
Told my parents I was dropping out without saying about the abuse bit, mainly because my dad was/is majorly ill and basically now a fraction of what he was after a catastrophic stroke while I was at medical school. He isn’t the man that abused me, he’s not much at all.
Mum went mental learning I was dropping out, I wasn’t allowed to come home, cue homelessness and working in rubbish jobs to get by.
Then clinged to my boyfriend for security, who never liked me as much as I liked him. Got pregnant, wanted to keep the baby, didn’t because he didn’t want to and I couldn’t give a child a good life by myself. I was drinking heavily at the time I conceived also so it wouldn’t have been fair anyway but I’m still grieving.
Now we’re a couple years on and I’m living in a new city, decent if mind-numbing job, where no one knows my past. Breaking up with my boyfriend, because he wants to screw other people and has tried his best to do so, but I’m so in debt from years of turmoil, to keep my job I’ve got to move home with my parents and commute in.
I have no idea how to get out this hole and I’ve no idea why I blew it all up and why it’s been all so hard. I’ve no idea if moving home is even a good idea but I’m not sure what else there is to do. Therapist says to tell my mother about the abuse but I don’t see the point. It would just emotionally wreck her all over again.
I can’t financially live by myself, I’ve got to keep this job even if I want to quit because I’ve had 12 jobs in the last 4 years and can’t keep quitting and trying something else. Don’t want to tell my therapist I need to move home because I’m in debt and am too scared and too tired to do the whole insecure housing thing again.
Can’t go back to medicine as my country has a stupid rule where if you drop out once you can’t come back. Not that I’m stable enough anyway, I’m obviously very much a screw up
How do I stop self destructing, how do I reach the potential I once had, how do I do this?
