Is exclusivity overrated?

[Sindy_0311]

I don’t think safer sex has anything to do with this ‘let’s be exclusive’ manipulation tactic. Most people had casual experiences, with multiple partners, they know exactly how to protect themselves, what not to do to avoid MSTs or undesired pregnancy. 
Me personally I wouldn’t wait 3 month to get physical with a man, simply because I have needs and because it doesn’t change anything to how I bond. I estimate emotional connection much more… 

I still believe that asking for exclusivity is a way for some people to take you of the market without making their intentions clear though. If really you don’t want the person you are dating to meet other people and you don’t feel like to either (which supposes that you are developing feelings) then why can’t you just commit to her/him fully? 

I think people are becoming so cautious in the dating world, they are no longer capable to fully involve themselves in a serious relationship… it’s all calculated, analyzed, premeditated… and the concept of exclusivity without commitment is a reflection of it… 

[rainbowsandroses]

39 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

If really you don’t want the person you are dating to meet other people and you don’t feel like to either (which supposes that you are developing feelings) then why can’t you just commit to her/him fully? 

I agree with you!  But I am questioning, what do you mean by "commit to her/him fully"?  

For me "commitment" means different things at different stages.  Very early stages at the "attraction" level - a commitment to focus on only each other, to see where it will lead.  A commitment to be honest if that ever changes.  

After some time spent together, mutual feelings (beyond the initial attraction) have developed and you realize your connection has "legs" -  a commitment to being exclusive and building the "relationship."  

Engagement or marriage - a commitment to spend your lives together.

These definitions are interchangeable depending on the couple and what "commitment" means to them.  I do not believe there is any wrong or right; all that's important is that they are on the SAME page with regard to what commitment means to them, individually and as a couple.

I have had discussions with others about this and I realize others disagree and that is FINE.

This mindset/philosophy has worked for me and the men I have dated and  married at each stage, which at the end of the day, again is ALL that matters imo.

 

 

[boltnrun]

I don't "bond" through sex. For me it's more about time spent together and the nature of that time. I can have sex with someone I have zero interest in having a relationship with. I had someone in my life like that. He and I had fantastic sex but I would never, ever want to be in a relationship with someone like him. He's hot but also a hot mess lol. I never "bonded" with him. However I was very emotionally attached to my ex (the one who said "we never said we were in a relationship!" when he decided to end things with me) fairly quickly, sex or no sex. The sex was the cherry on top (so to speak) although I would never have considered waiting months to have sex with him as I was supremely attracted to him.  I think we had sex maybe three weeks into spending time together. 

If I were to ever date I would want to make clear if I felt I didn't want to see other men. If the guy is on board, great! If not, at least I would know to cut it off before I DID become so emotionally attached it would be painful for me to end it. I would not lurk around "hoping" he would change his mind. 

[rainbowsandroses]

23 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If I were to ever date I would want to make clear if I felt I didn't want to see other men. If the guy is on board, great! If not, at least I would know to cut it off before I DID become so emotionally attached it would be painful for me to end it. I would not lurk around "hoping" he would change his mind. 

Absolutely.  Think I posted earlier but in my experience it's REAL important that two people be on the same page/wavelength with respect to their particular dating styles. 

"One at a time" OR "multi-date."

Frankly, when there is a strong attraction, the agreement to date only each other (one at a time) at least for a time until they determine where they'd like things to go (if anywhere), should be mutual.

But yeah I think it's good to initiate the conversation about dating styles, in general.

I do not date men who after meeting and connecting with me and where there is a strong mutual attraction (which is obvious to both of us), choose to continue exploring other options (i.e. meeting and dating other women).

It's not due to jealousy, it simply sends me the very clear message we are NOT on the same page/wavelength, so it's a next.

For me.

Speaking for myself, after reaching a certain age (30+), I have dated enough men to know what I like and want when I meet him (baseline attraction).  There is no need to multi-date at that point, unless it's for some sort of an ego boost or validation which I don't and have never needed.

To each his/her own though, everyone has their own reasons for doing what they do. No wrong or right.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

then why can’t you just commit to her/him fully? 

To me exclusivity is committing fully.  I loved when I met someone who wanted that and I did too - I don't love the negative cast being put on it by some in this thread. It was a happy and positive and exciting thing!

Sexual monogamy is agreeing only to have sex with each other.I  I had really intense sexual needs which I chose not to react to by having sex before a full commitment -waited months - because of my personal values, standards and knowing I very likely would get emotionally attached through sex. 

I met many men who felt as I did and wanted to wait and were not religious -simply personal values about sex.  

Casual sex is much riskier (and for me too risky emotionally). I know of many accidental pregnancies and I knew I likely wouldn't be able to abort.   I used double protection.  I know of others who did that as well and got pregnant, etc.  

I explained why I multi dated.  I knew what I wanted and knew I had to get to know someone over a longer period of time to know if we were a potential match for marriage -which is the only reason I dated with very rare exception.  It's so individual!

I don't judge people who are single and choose to have casual sex with other single consenting adults and I don't judge their choices to take the increased risks associated with having casual sex/sex early on/sex with more than one partner.  I do get frustrated and annoyed when women consent to casual sex then blame the man for "using them".

[yogacat]

If you feel uncomfortable with the fact that the person you are dating is also seeing other people, it’s totally valid and it’s okay to communicate that to them. However, in my opinion, it’s not fair to impose exclusivity on someone without a clear commitment. 

As for the idea that exclusivity is a tool for one person to take control without committing, I think it really depends on the individuals involved. Some people may use exclusivity as a way to manipulate the other person, but others may genuinely want an exclusive relationship without the commitment of marriage or long-term commitment. 

In my personal experience, I have had four long term relationships, none of them through online dating, one was not a good relationship but the others were and never any talk about exclusivity, nor a specific accurate moment I had to wait for. Actually the exclusivity happened naturally during the course of the relationship, simply because we both wanted to be together and didn’t feel the need to date others. 

Online dating is a different world though, where people are constantly bombarded with options and have a much smaller chance of getting emotionally invested in one person. It’s not a bad thing, but it’s also not ideal for those looking for genuine connections.

And adding the exclusivity talk in the mix can complicate things further. 

[MrMan1983]

On 2/27/2024 at 4:53 PM, Sindy_0311 said:

For some clarity, here are his texts:

-I wanted to ask you something, these last days have you continued to chat with other men? It's out of curiosity

- Ah OK. Not being someone who runs several hares at once, I had put the rest on hold..but I understand

- I understand but I'm not like that... if I follow you that means you're going to meet all of us and make a choice. It's a kind of speed dating...I think it spoils the magic of the meeting, even if it's only virtual.

At the last one: 

- Okay, I'll leave you for tonight. You probably have lots of messages to answer 😜... I am teasing you

Have a goog night.  Talk to you tomorrow 🌛

(google translate) 

Sorry but his messages give me slightly needy/possessive vibes even before the first date, kind of inappropriate at this point. It’s a convo that would be valid after some dates though (in my opinion) but before even a first date? I wouldn’t even bring it up. 

[Batya33]

"Online dating is a different world though, where people are constantly bombarded with options and have a much smaller chance of getting emotionally invested in one person. It’s not a bad thing, but it’s also not ideal for those looking for genuine connections."

 

Pre on line dating sites I felt exactly the same with the bar and club scene and all the singles events (which for me was from around 1980-2000)-for those looking for a candy store it was all there just like on dating sites.  I always was looking for marriage (well starting in the late 80s) so whatever venue I was in -in person or a dating site - I might feel the wow - candy store/comparison shopping mentality -GIGs- briefly but for serious minded people like me - that quickly faded as we focused on the genuine connections leading to a serious commitment. For sure bars/clubs/online sites, etc might  attract more people looking for casual dating, one night stand, an ego boost - but for sure the serious minded people don't focus on the volume aspect and use it as one way to meet a lot of people where the focus is finding that genuine and deep connection with potential for the long term.

I know of many marriages/LTR (like my friend with her partner since 2005 -one child - not married -and a number of marriages) through dating sites. My husband and I had profiles and we were always serious minded.  I met my first fiancee through a written personal ad and my friend met her first husband that way.

[MrMan1983]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Pre on line dating sites I felt exactly the same with the bar and club scene and all the singles events (which for me was from around 1980-2000)-for those looking for a candy store it was all there just like on dating sites.

Not to the same extent it wasn't, being able to sit at home swiping away is more accessible than bars and clubs ever were in my opinion. You don't even have to go out and then have the confidence to go up and talk to one or two people like you did in bars or clubs, people can sit at home swiping yes or no at the rate of 20 people an hour on the latest apps if they desired. A female mate of mine who is not traditionally 'good looking' (not trying to sound mean) can date a 'decent seeming and good looking' guy a day if she wished to she gets that many matches.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Not to the same extent it wasn't, being able to sit at home swiping away is more accessible than bars and clubs ever were in my opinion. You don't even have to go out and then have the confidence to go up and talk to one or two people like you did in bars or clubs, people can sit at home swiping yes or no at the rate of 20 people an hour on the latest apps if they desired. A female mate of mine who is not traditionally 'good looking' (not trying to sound mean) can date a 'decent seeming and good looking' guy a day if she wished to she gets that many matches.

Yes and I often met two men in one day but my focus was marriage not collecting flattering messages etc.  I didn't care about quantity just quality. I was an extrovert and didn't mind going out - was very comfortable striking up conversations with anyone, asking men to dance whatever (but I let them do the asking out for an actual date).  I quickly weeded through the men who weren't potential marriage material or not marriage minded.  It was one of several ways I met men. 

I didn't focus on looks.  I couldn't be repulsed by the photo -which I sometimes was - but I didn't care if the man I was going to meet was traditionally good looking, didn't want arm candy, didn't want to collect notches in my belt. I wanted to find the right person for me for marriage who also wanted a child and who met the other things on my somewhat short initial list. Where I did all of my dating -especially from 1994-2005 when I moved right in the middle of the city - it wasn't difficult to find men who met my list who were marriage minded.

[Sindy_0311]

13 hours ago, yogacat said:

it’s not fair to impose exclusivity on someone without a clear commitment.

I agree. I think it would be better to make sure you want to pursue something with the other person and wait for commitment (or labeling the relationship) to be exclusive and ask for it. 

4 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

, being able to sit at home swiping away is more accessible than bars and clubs ever were in my opinion

I don't think it's more accessible than in bars and clubs. I've been talking with hundreds of guys since two years, only to find out theres something wrong with them after a few days, or that their pictures aren't recent ones, or that they actually aren't looking for anything serious when it was stipulated they were in their profile. You spend three days talking with ten guys only to go on ONE date. 

The problem is some people don't have enough time to go to bars because they have children, work, have a social life, and their own activities. My usual day is like that: I go to work, I go to the gym and then I go back home because I'm tired and I begin to swipe on my sofa. On weekends, I see my friends, hangout with them, clean my house, make the laundry, go to the grocery, and sometimes have a date. but that's it. I'd rather meet a cute guy at my gym (man they are all so shy... ) or in the coffee shop, where people are stressed out about their day, or in the subway where everyone is just swiping on their phone. 

I think people don't know what they want. They want a relationship, but "hey let's not label it because I might change my mind someday,  so let's just call it exclusive until I actually change my mind about you - no harm done"

Do people really need six months to fall in love with someone? If so, can't you at least recognize that you are developing strong feelings after a few weeks? How long does it take to figure out whether you want to try build something with someone? for me, it takes between 2 and 3 month. But I guess everyone is different. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I think people don't know what they want. They want a relationship, but "hey let's not label it because I might change my mind someday,  so let's just call it exclusive until I actually change my mind about you - no harm done"

^Youre right.  Even though there may be a strong mutual attraction and chemistry, people don't know what they want with that particular person nor should they know!  

They just started dating them!  It takes time to know what you want with that particular person. 

So you focus on only each other for a time until you DO know.  If after a week, a month, three months, whatever, one or both realizes it's not what they want, they part ways.  No harm done in most cases. 

If it IS what they want, they move forward and begin building the relationship.

Calling it "exclusive," or "commitment" because you're choosing to date a man you feel a mutual attraction with 'one at a time' until you know what you want to happen with that particular man?

Ugh. This is why I dislike "labels."  People overthink their meaning, and can freak themselves out about it. 

Sindy, if you don't feel a mutual attraction/chemistry with a man, then continue dating others until you do.    For me, this takes while and I met, talked to, had a date (or two tops) with various men in the meantime.

Please stop overthinking words like "exclusive," " boyfriend/girlfriend," "commitment" etc.  I honestly don't see the benefit in doing that at all.

With this man, the subject of his thread, he was out of line with his "just kidding and jokes."   You haven't even met yet for heaven's sakes!

If me, it would be a next for that reason, creepy!!

Utilize good judgment and common sense and you'll do great!  

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I agree. I think it would be better to make sure you want to pursue something with the other person and wait for commitment (or labeling the relationship) to be exclusive and ask for it. 

Yes. But not dating other people doesn't necessarily mean we have to label the relationship as exclusive. We can still take things slow and get to know each other without seeing other people. I just don't understand the need to have a full roster of options even when we are trying to get to know someone new. Is it not possible to give someone a chance and see where things go without keeping other options open?

I think that a lot of times (not saying this is the case for you....), people keep their options open because they are afraid of missing out on something better. It's also a defense mechanism to protect themselves from getting hurt. I mean, what was the point of telling him that you were seeing other men? Was it to be forthcoming or was it to show him that you have other options and he should be afraid of losing you?

[Sindy_0311]

15 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

With this man, the subject of his thread,

this guy is not the subject of this thread... I said it before. I'm just trying to understand why I feel uncomfortable with this exclusive thing. 

 

9 minutes ago, yogacat said:

think that a lot of times (not saying this is the case for you....), people keep their options open because they are afraid of missing out on something better. It's also a defense mechanism to protect themselves from getting hurt. 

I do have a FOMO syndrome... And by giving my time to only one guy in the beginning I also think that I take the risk to waist too much energy on him. I do want to protect myself, like almost everyone does. No one jumps with open arms in the first relationship they get, we are all cautious at some point... 

 

12 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I mean, what was the point of telling him that you were seeing other men? Was it to be forthcoming or was it to show him that you have other options and he should be afraid of losing you?

He asked whether I was TALKING to other men. I told him I was, I wouldn't be honest by saying no. I didn't mention and I won't mention that I have another date this weekend. Not my style to do that. 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

this guy is not the subject of this thread... I said it before. I'm just trying to understand why I feel uncomfortable with this exclusive thing. 

Sorry poor choice of words.  The man you mentioned in this thread is what I meant. 

[yogacat]

11 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I do have a FOMO syndrome... And by giving my time to only one guy in the beginning I also think that I take the risk to waist too much energy on him. I do want to protect myself, like almost everyone does. No one jumps with open arms in the first relationship they get, we are all cautious at some point... 

Oh. That's not what I meant, that a person should jump with open arms into their first relationship. Not at all. There is nothing wrong at all, in getting to know him before deciding. And I don't even think such a thing as "wasting » energy to get to know someone." Every moment that you spend with the right person, is a triumph! 

For some (again, not suggesting this is your style) but the desire to see multiple men at once is coming from a FOMO syndrome. 

Getting to know a new person, is a beautiful thing. It's an art, and it is definitely something to be cherished and celebrated. (If you chose to pursue it)  

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

No one jumps with open arms in the first relationship they get, we are all cautious at some point... 

^Of course and no one said otherwise. 

Even those who choose to date 'one at a time' for the reasons stated in this thread, again, assuming there is a mutual attraction and chemistry don't do that. 

Not sure where you ever got they did.

Anyway you do you Sindy. Have fun on your date. 

[Jaunty]

I feel like "exclusivity" in this context is kind of a red herring.

@Sindy_0311 - if you are dating a person who brings up the idea of exclusivity in order to lock you down without making a real commitment, this is absolutely a bad relationship prospect.  If they aren't trying to use "exclusivity" as bait, they would be using something else, like "future faking," pretending to love, lying about whether they are single or not, etc.  The various tacts used by dishonest people trying to get over on somebody are many.

Regular, stand-up people are NOT using "exclusivity" as a method to manipulate others.  

You won't be effectively protecting yourself against this type of person by refusing to be exclusive with anyone until you are 100% reassured that they are into you and only you.   You will be selecting against good people and just putting the creeps in a position where they will have to think of a different approach with you.

[Sindy_0311]

57 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

just putting the creeps in a position where they will have to think of a different approach with you.

Can you be more specific or rephrase this… (my bad English, sorry) 

I think that in the future I will avoid any exclusivity talk or agree to it, because obviously it’s overrated. I will try to rely on what we share and whether we are on the same page according to future talks etc… In that sense, do you think it is ok to say something like « I’m ok to be exclusive once (and only once) we are in a committed relationship » or would that be a turn of for a man who has serious intentions towards me? 

[rainbowsandroses]

25 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

In that sense, do you think it is ok to say something like « I’m ok to be exclusive once (and only once) we are in a committed relationship.

I asked you this earlier but what is your definition of a "committed relationship"?

I posted how I define it at the various different stages.  

I'm not trying to be obtuse I promise, but imo these terms and labels can be ambiguous (i.e mean different things to different people at different times)

How do you define it? 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

I feel like "exclusivity" in this context is kind of a red herring.

@Sindy_0311 - if you are dating a person who brings up the idea of exclusivity in order to lock you down without making a real commitment, this is absolutely a bad relationship prospect.  If they aren't trying to use "exclusivity" as bait, they would be using something else, like "future faking," pretending to love, lying about whether they are single or not, etc.  The various tacts used by dishonest people trying to get over on somebody are many.

Regular, stand-up people are NOT using "exclusivity" as a method to manipulate others.  

You won't be effectively protecting yourself against this type of person by refusing to be exclusive with anyone until you are 100% reassured that they are into you and only you.   You will be selecting against good people and just putting the creeps in a position where they will have to think of a different approach with you.

I agree. I had FOMO when I was with the wrong person even if we were committed. I didn’t cheat. But I had FOMO or GIGS but when I multi dated prior to exclusivity it was because it was too new to commit. Sindy was ready to have sex early on. I wasn’t. For many reasons. But I typically ready to commit within 2 months 

[Sindy_0311]

40 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

How do you define it? 

It’s when you see potential for something serious and both are willing to share their world, bring around their people, be “exclusive”, spend more time together, be more intimate emotionally speaking, be more open, feel like partners, someone you can rely on,  be more vulnerable and try to communicate best to fix some issues that might appear…. Etc… not talking about mariage or kids in my case because I don’t want that. I’m in a committed relationship when I can say, this is my man. (Understand boyfriend) 

[rainbowsandroses]

17 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

It’s when you see potential for something serious and both are willing to share their world, bring around their people, be “exclusive”, spend more time together, be more intimate emotionally speaking, be more open, feel like partners, someone you can rely on,  be more vulnerable and try to communicate best to fix some issues that might appear…. Etc… not talking about mariage or kids in my case because I don’t want that. I’m in a committed relationship when I can say, this is my man. (Understand boyfriend) 

That's a great answer!

So, having said that, would you agree that getting to that "place" with a man you're dating takes awhile?  A couple of months of spending consistent time together, at least?

If so, and this is an honest question not me trying to obtuse or adversarial, in order to get to this place of wanting "commitment" with a man as you have defined it, do you think you can get to that place with a man if you're dating other men at the same time (i.e. multi-dating)?

Would it not be best to focus on that one man (and him focus on you), date only each other for awhile until you determine whether or not he's the man you want to commit to?  And him commit to you?

Or do you think you can juggle different men, date various men and still get to that place of "commitment" (as you defined it) with just one man?  It's not how I roll which is why this type of mindset is difficult for me to understand.

Can you clarify?

 

 

 

[Sindy_0311]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

That's a great answer!

So, having said that, would you agree that getting to that "place" with a man you're dating takes awhile?  A couple of months of spending consistent time together, at least?

If so, and this is an honest question not me trying to obtuse or adversarial, in order to get to this place of wanting "commitment" with a man as you have defined it, do you think you can get to that place with a man if you're dating other men at the same time (i.e. multi-dating)?

Would it not be best to focus on that one man (and him focus on you), date only him for awhile until you determine whether or not he's the man you want to commit to?  And him commit to you?

Or do you think you can juggle different men, date various men and still get to that place of "commitment" (as you defined it) with just one man?

It's not how I roll which is why this type of mindset is difficult for me to understand.

Can you clarify?

 

 

 

Well as I said, during the first dates, I do meet other men. But usually after 2 or 3 weeks, if I’m attracted to him, I have no issue focusing on him only. My inner deadline is 3 month, if after 3 month I don’t see any progression in the relationship I cut it… also cut it earlier if I sense that OP isn’t moving at the same pace, I adress it and if I see that he isn’t willing to progress or meet my needs, I walk away. 

[rainbowsandroses]

16 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Well as I said, during the first dates, I do meet other men. But usually after 2 or 3 weeks, if I’m attracted to him, I have no issue focusing on him only.

This^ is my dating style as well except I typically know sooner than 2 or 3 weeks whether the mutual attraction is such that I (we) want to focus on only each other.  I usually know after 1-2 dates, that's just me.

TBH with my recent ex, during the first 2-3 weeks, I knew I had no desire to date other men but I did not know for certain that he wasn't (dating other women).  He may have been!  We didn't discuss it.  

It actually wasn't that important to me because our attraction and connection was so strong and I trusted it, had faith in it and that's what I went with.

After a few months, we did discuss and he admitted he kind of knew I was "the one" (if there is such a thing) from our very first date.  Actually he said he felt something on the elevator even!    

But he kept that to himself until we spent more time together, as did I.

It happens that way sometimes, where you know very quickly whether or not something special is happening..

Anyway, there are some men who will push for "exclusive" VERY early in, sometimes even before the first date if you met online, start talking about the future etc.

I DO NOT trust that type of talk and have nexted men who do it....  like I would have with the guy you have mentioned in this thread.

But if you're okay with it, then again meet him and play it out!