Feeling devastated after breaking up with a guy

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, AGrPerson said:

I see. So the problem is the inconsistency he showed from the start. That is what should have been bothering me and not how I could have acted to change his behaviour, right?

What do you mean -you want to act to change someone's behavior -are you his mom? From the start he said some really concerning things.  You chose to ignore -as you wrote.  People often tell you who they are right away -if you are listening.

[AGrPerson]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You seem determined to make this seem as if there was simply some basic logistical issue here in your three weeks of knowing this person and/or that if you'd twisted yourself into a pretzel, jumped through hoops, figured out the secret sauce to making this person want to see you -you'd be together.  I won't give you input on that because it makes no sense.

People move towards pleasure and away from pain.  People who find pleasure in being around other people play nicely in the sandbox. They desire to do what is appropriate to continue the pleasure of having the company and attention of the other person.  Like what you all learned in kindergarten, yes? Like when you were on the playground remember if you wanted to make friends you came up with a game you could both play? You took turns? You tried to share toys, crayons, cookies? Cause you liked the result - that person then wanted to be around you. 

If the person didn't want to be around you that could be an ouchy - so you walked away and found someone else to play with.  You learned that if you weren't a reliable trustworthy person often people didn't want to be around you whether they were 5, 15 or 25 years old, whether in friendship, at work or in dating.  Right?

You know all this but it's too simple for you -you want to make this into some PhD style psychological experiment involving "Effective Communication" so you can make up some story about how wow if only you'd known how to seduce this man and get him SO interested in you that how could he possibly stop being interested -you'd be together even if you had to change your political opinions, put up with his half listening, etc because then you can ride on the wings of infatuation as sweet as sugar and tell the world -see this Hot Guy wants me!!!! I'm worthy!!!!!

Please stop the nonsense.  You're worth more than lying to yourself.

Exactly! I'm afraid that this will keep happening in the future and I'm trying to find if I did something wrong, or if I could change something in myself to avoid something like that in the future.

[AGrPerson]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

OK, I'll try again LOL...

The problem is someone making elaborate promises and plans for the future before you'd even gone on the first date.  That is screaming red flag behavior.

And why are you again focusing on trying to "change" him?  If someone has to be change to be right for you, they're wrong for you.  And the opposite is also true.

Ok. I think I get it now.

[Batya33]

Just now, AGrPerson said:

Exactly! I'm afraid that this will keep happening in the future and I'm trying to find if I did something wrong, or if I could change something in myself to avoid something like that in the future.

Choose to proceed at a reasonable pace with head and heart. Know your values, know your goals.  Know your standards, know your worth.  Interact with people who have compatible values and goals and play nicely in the sandbox.

[AGrPerson]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What do you mean -you want to act to change someone's behavior -are you his mom? From the start he said some really concerning things.  You chose to ignore -as you wrote.  People often tell you who they are right away -if you are listening.

Yeah, I know it sounds silly that I'm thinking that I could change someone's behaviour.

[AGrPerson]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Choose to proceed at a reasonable pace with head and heart. Know your values, know your goals.  Know your standards, know your worth.  Interact with people who have compatible values and goals and play nicely in the sandbox.

And what do you recommend I should do if I get myself in a similar situation in the future? I mean if I see that our values or goals don't align, or we're incompatible? Should I discuss it or stop seeing that person?

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

And what do you recommend I should do if I get myself in a similar situation in the future? I mean if I see that our values or goals don't align, or we're incompatible? Should I discuss it or stop seeing that person?

What kind of discussion? "I see you want a person who will change their politics in order to be with you.  I'm not going to do that so if that's your standard we're not going to work?"

Or "I see you want a person who is comfortable with talking only when you feel like it and while you are doing something else.  I am not comfortable with that.  Are you sure you won't change your ways for little ole me?"

I did "discuss" as appropriate -like for basic common courtesy "you don't want marriage and I do so it doesn't make sense to meet" but the man who referenced oral sex in a rude way on the first phone call -I didn't meet.  The man who gleefully told me about a guy he beat up on a public bus - I didn't "discuss" I just didn't go on a third date.  Same with the man who told me he thought lap dances were not sexual - he was a successful hottie and our values obviously didn't align.  The man who didn't call me as promised to set up a first meet and didn't apologize and the man who was playing online scrabble during our first phone call.

Yes -you "discuss" if someone's goals or values change during a serious relationship - because yes then a seriously involved couple should discuss what changed and why -maybe even go to counseling depending on what it is - but when you're first meeting or dating -why waste your time (and often it's none of your business).

[AGrPerson]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What kind of discussion? "I see you want a person who will change their politics in order to be with you.  I'm not going to do that so if that's your standard we're not going to work?"

Or "I see you want a person who is comfortable with talking only when you feel like it and while you are doing something else.  I am not comfortable with that.  Are you sure you won't change your ways for little ole me?"

I did "discuss" as appropriate -like for basic common courtesy "you don't want marriage and I do so it doesn't make sense to meet" but the man who referenced oral sex in a rude way on the first phone call -I didn't meet.  The man who gleefully told me about a guy he beat up on a public bus - I didn't "discuss" I just didn't go on a third date.  Same with the man who told me he thought lap dances were not sexual - he was a successful hottie and our values obviously didn't align.  The man who didn't call me as promised to set up a first meet and didn't apologize and the man who was playing online scrabble during our first phone call.

Yes -you "discuss" if someone's goals or values change during a serious relationship - because yes then a seriously involved couple should discuss what changed and why -maybe even go to counseling depending on what it is - but when you're first meeting or dating -why waste your time (and often it's none of your business).

I get your point. I just think that maybe someone is exhibiting a bad behaviour and is not aware of doing so. That's why I prefer to discuss what is bothering me and if they don't recognize the problem and don't try to change, stop seeing them. I don't know, it might be wrong. That's what I tried to do with that person too.

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I get your point. I just think that maybe someone is exhibiting a bad behaviour and is not aware of doing so. That's why I prefer to discuss what is bothering me and if they don't recognize the problem and don't try to change, stop seeing them. I don't know, it might be wrong. That's what I tried to do with that person too.

Again with the trying to get someone to "change"!  

This is not appropriate when you haven't even met yet or have only gone on a couple of dates. 

You honestly think he didn't know he was future-faking and love-bombing?  Of course he knew.  No one with any sense would say the things he said before the first date, but I bet this is his M.O.  These people are to be avoided.  Not trying to have "discussions" so they will "change".

[AGrPerson]

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Again with the trying to get someone to "change"!  

This is not appropriate when you haven't even met yet or have only gone on a couple of dates. 

You honestly think he didn't know he was future-faking and love-bombing?  Of course he knew.  No one with any sense would say the things he said before the first date, but I bet this is his M.O.  These people are to be avoided.  Not trying to have "discussions" so they will "change".

Maybe he got too excited because his last relationship was 3 years ago. He might have desperately wanted to find someone.

[boltnrun]

19 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

Maybe he got too excited because his last relationship was 3 years ago. He might have desperately wanted to find someone.

Is that what you want?  Someone who doesn't really care who they "find" as long as they "find" someone?

And if this is true, why did he stop communicating the way he had the first week?

You're trying to make sense out of this situation, which I get.  But this couldn't be what you had hoped it would be.  It wasn't based in reality.

[AGrPerson]

9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Is that what you want?  Someone who doesn't really care who they "find" as long as they "find" someone?

And if this is true, why did he stop communicating the way he had the first week?

You're trying to make sense out of this situation, which I get.  But this couldn't be what you had hoped it would be.  It wasn't based in reality.

You're right, either way it's not a situation that would benefit me.

What do you believe was the reason he behaved that way?

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

You're right, either way it's not a situation that would benefit me.

What do you believe was the reason he behaved that way?

What I wrote many times -assume people move towards pleasure and away from pain - assume it gave him pleasure to interact as he did just as you said you got pleasure from ignoring the signs in favor of enjoying the infatuation feelings. Then when he wasn't interested in interacting with you anymore, he stopped. 

[AGrPerson]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What I wrote many times -assume people move towards pleasure and away from pain - assume it gave him pleasure to interact as he did just as you said you got pleasure from ignoring the signs in favor of enjoying the infatuation feelings. Then when he wasn't interested in interacting with you anymore, he stopped. 

I get what you mean...

[boltnrun]

56 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

What do you believe was the reason he behaved that way?

No idea.

I very briefly had a profile on a dating site.  One man messaged me saying he wanted to "build a beautiful family" with me.  Before he'd even received a reply back to his message.  I didn't get all excited thinking I'd found a man who wanted to marry me.  I thought he was either a weirdo or he was sending that message to multiple women, hoping to find one who liked what he wrote and would respond.  I didn't bother replying.

[MissCanuck]

I would be glad this weirdo no longer had interest in me. 

The problems with this guy go way beyond a communication issue, OP. He gives me major creep vibes and I am quite concerned that you didn't cut him off for any of that, but rather that he wasn't communicating well. 

I would urge you to reset your priorities when it comes to dating, so you learn to filter out the unhinged ones and not ignore big red flags just because someone is paying attention to you. 

[AGrPerson]

19 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

No idea.

I very briefly had a profile on a dating site.  One man messaged me saying he wanted to "build a beautiful family" with me.  Before he'd even received a reply back to his message.  I didn't get all excited thinking I'd found a man who wanted to marry me.  I thought he was either a weirdo or he was sending that message to multiple women, hoping to find one who liked what he wrote and would respond.  I didn't bother replying.

I understand. I'm not quite sure either. Maybe he had built an ideal image of me inside his head and when he saw that it didn't match with the reality he lost interest. 

[AGrPerson]

8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I would be glad this weirdo no longer had interest in me. 

The problems with this guy go way beyond a communication issue, OP. He gives me major creep vibes and I am quite concerned that you didn't cut him off for any of that, but rather that he wasn't communicating well. 

I would urge you to reset your priorities when it comes to dating, so you learn to filter out the unhinged ones and not ignore big red flags just because someone is paying attention to you. 

I understand your concerns. I got really put off by his behaviour too, but thought I'd give it a try. I'll be more careful from now on about who I choose to communicate with.

[Batya33]

16 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I understand your concerns. I got really put off by his behaviour too, but thought I'd give it a try. I'll be more careful from now on about who I choose to communicate with.

There's no exact science - once you are reasonably confident, and looking for people to date for good and healthy reasons, screening out people who don't meet your standards becomes far easier.  I would decline to continue interacting on a personal level with any individual where I was "really put off" by the person's behavior.  I do this when making new friends, too.

[rainbowsandroses]

57 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I understand your concerns. I got really put off by his behaviour too, but thought I'd give it a try. I'll be more careful from now on about who I choose to communicate with.

Learn to trust your instincts/intuition. 

When you feel "put off" or "turned off" or if/when something simply feels "off" about someone or a situation, trust those feelings and NEXT.

No more "giving it a try," what's the point?  There are plenty of other fish in the sea as the saying goes, right?

Consider this a BIG bullet dodged and an even bigger lesson learned! 

It's all good! 😀

 

[AGrPerson]

39 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

There's no exact science - once you are reasonably confident, and looking for people to date for good and healthy reasons, screening out people who don't meet your standards becomes far easier.  I would decline to continue interacting on a personal level with any individual where I was "really put off" by the person's behavior.  I do this when making new friends, too.

I see! Thank you for sharing your knowledge with me 🙂

[AGrPerson]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Learn to trust your instincts/intuition. 

When you feel "put off" or "turned off" or if/when something simply feels "off" about someone or a situation, trust those feelings and NEXT.

No more "giving it a try," what's the point?  There are plenty of other fish in the sea as the saying goes, right?

Consider this a BIG bullet dodged and an even bigger lesson learned! 

It's all good! 😀

 

Thank you for your guidance! You are right! I should trust my insticts more from now on!

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

Thank you for your guidance! You are right! I should trust my insticts more from now on!

Also I was more quick to decline a first meet with a stranger after a screening phone call (I always did one) than if it was someone I already knew or was being set up with through friends.  

[AGrPerson]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Also I was more quick to decline a first meet with a stranger after a screening phone call (I always did one) than if it was someone I already knew or was being set up with through friends.  

I see. Yeah, you should be more cautious with a total stranger.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, AGrPerson said:

I see. Yeah, you should be more cautious with a total stranger.

I mean we met usually for coffee in a public place but if there was anything the least bit off I moved on and didn't meet.