Old friend or old crush ?

[Jojo1972]

My girlfriend of over a year, recently mentioned getting memorial tattoo for a guy she used to hang out with in a  friend group setting who passed 5 years ago, everyone was supposed to get a specific tattoo but she never did, now feels bad and wants to. This is the first im really hearing (She has a sister who passed 7 years ago and I've seen many tears shed but no mention of tattoo for her)

I'm curious, I look up guy, ok friend group. 

I ask what prompted it ? Guilt that other people got the tattoo... she said no.. I asked was this someone of significance to you, no... he only dated boys. Ok.. something seemed off. I asked what her feelings were, she blushed, smiled, got uncomfortable, said well, she had voiced her opinions many times, he was very nice looking. Rambled some. Described reason for tattoo and description of friendship.... used to hang in a group, parties, concerts, liked a mutual band. (Not anything significant , hung out with the group of many)

I'm more curious...later i look up guy on Facebook. I feel bad but something feels weird.  Click pictures... OK, numerous where she comments OMG or DAMN... One where they are together and mistaken for a couple, comment that he's a handsome man, her response was I WISH, and yes, he is a handsome man. 

I feel bad that it feels weird to me. 

(We recently had an issue with her commenting on male tiktok videos that wasn't exactly, appropriate, very recent) all cleared up. I genuinely believe she was oblivious. Deleted account, 10,000 followers, etc. I feel we are great together but I also don't want to feel bad. 

I don't want to be an insensitive jerk either.

Tattoo or no tattoo

Thoughts ? 

 

[Wiseman2]

How old is she? Unfortunately she seems extraordinary influenced by peer pressure. Please don't worry about a deceased friend. However getting a tattoo because everyone else is seems like something to reflect on as far as her choices. Does she usually keep in step with the crowd this much? 

[Jojo1972]

51 years old. When not in a relationship she was always a social butterfly and didn't make great choices. In a relationship,  as I've known since we've known each other forever, she is pretty straight and well behaved. Blends with whatever her partner, party or homebody and is content. 

She is pretty jealous,  watches other woman liking or commenting on my Facebook. Trusts me but still jealous and has monitored. Asked me to delete an old flame ish of mine from overc20 years ago that I don't interact with except a thumbs up on an occasional fb post. Literally 1 a year, if that. 

I've asked myself. If I had an old friend I wishful thought to be able to be with but wasn't the right type,  hair color, weight, financial status, gender, etc..  but certainly would have been trying otherwise.... 

Would I think a memorial tattoo now, years passed, I didn't memorialize my sibling whom I love.... is off ? Might look off to my partner ? 

We recently had an issue of her commenting on tik tok videos where comments should have been left out. 😍  damn ! Etc.... 

Did I mention , my marriage of 30 years, my wife was a heavy porn addict. Hours a day while I worked, neglected me completely. It ultimately ended us. I did not believe in divorce but .... 

So I maybe sensitive but I also have great morals and old fashioned thoughts. This is all very new to me. 

 

[Batya33]

I think she has lingering feelings for him but the tattoo would be a memorial tattoo not a tattoo to commemorate and ex lover.  It's her body her choice and you two are girlfriend boyfriend -I could see if you were married with kids and the tattoo would affect the kids or affect her employment etc but you really have no say.  She seems to be into looking at male bodies and commenting on them.  Not my thing at all, wouldn't like if my husband was into that with females but all that matters is if it's ok with you.  This is who she is -it's part of her -she likes admiring male bodies and likes doing so with comments etc.  

I guess the analogy would be -my husband and I likely have photos of our exes stored somewhere in a box -I certainly have my prom photos somewhere and I bet somehwere in my old emails maybe photos there but I would not be ok with my husband displaying photos of either an ex or someone he majorly crushed on in real life.  And -I know he wouldn't and I like that I know that.

[Jojo1972]

I am still struggling as to the reason for the tattoo... At this point anyways. I understand a bunch of friends going right after together.. Or just going yourself right after... It wasn't something you did all of these years.. You never mentioned it.. So this person was a good friend but how significant as far as tattooing.. When describing the friendship it was music in common. Not anything special shared in the friendship... But a clear sign of a crush and wishful thinking... I know I probably sound like a huge jerk. Please help me understand this situation. I can accept that perhaps I am not looking at it correctly. Is it justified is it not.. Is a tattoo seeming to be a very important thing with what is described.. What are you seeing as the reason for the tattoo with all information provided. Help me not feel like an absolute jerk. And either support or not this tattoo that may be coming.

[Jojo1972]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think she has lingering feelings for him but the tattoo would be a memorial tattoo not a tattoo to commemorate and ex lover.  It's her body her choice and you two are girlfriend boyfriend -I could see if you were married with kids and the tattoo would affect the kids or affect her employment etc but you really have no say.  She seems to be into looking at male bodies and commenting on them.  Not my thing at all, wouldn't like if my husband was into that with females but all that matters is if it's ok with you.  This is who she is -it's part of her -she likes admiring male bodies and likes doing so with comments etc.  

I guess the analogy would be -my husband and I likely have photos of our exes stored somewhere in a box -I certainly have my prom photos somewhere and I bet somehwere in my old emails maybe photos there but I would not be ok with my husband displaying photos of either an ex or someone he majorly crushed on in real life.  And -I know he wouldn't and I like that I know that.

Yes, just boyfriend girlfriend... getting married this year. 

[MissCanuck]

I find it strange, and yes, I think she has some unresolved feelings there. 

If she was quite good friends with the guy, I could understand it. However, it doesn't appear they were particularly close but mostly just hung out in groups.. It's also been a few years since he passed and it's odd this desire for a memorial tattoo is only coming up now. 

I don't know, OP. I can't help you see it differently (because I share your views on this), but I can tell you her choice here would make me see her differently. Her judgment and sensitivity chip seem off. 

[Jojo1972]

9 minutes ago, Jojo1972 said:

Yes, just boyfriend girlfriend... getting married this year. 

Thank your for your view. I appreciate the input. 

[Jojo1972]

5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I find it strange, and yes, I think she has some unresolved feelings there. 

If she was quite good friends with the guy, I could understand it. However, it doesn't appear they were particularly close but mostly just hung out in groups.. It's also been a few years since he passed and it's odd this desire for a memorial tattoo is only coming up now. 

I don't know, OP. I can't help you see it differently (because I share your views on this), but I can tell you her choice here would make me see her differently. Her judgment and sensitivity chip seem off. 

Thank you for your input. I appreciate it. 

[Batya33]

Ask her how she would feel if you started wearing a ring or an earring every day that had been gifted to you by someone you crushed on or a ring you had made to commemorate this person?  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Jojo1972 said:

.. Not anything special shared in the friendship... But a clear sign of a crush and wishful thinking..

Try to reflect what is actually upsetting you about it. That she's getting a tattoo? That it's 5 years later? That it's because her friends are doing it? Because it's someone she had a crush on? 

For example, what if she and her friends all decided to get Elvis tattoos years after his death because they were admirers?  This friend is deceased and they never dated so what really is the point of backtracking through her FB? 

[Jojo1972]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try to reflect what is actually upsetting you about it. That she's getting a tattoo? That it's 5 years later? That it's because her friends are doing it? Because it's someone she had a crush on? 

For example, what if she and her friends all decided to get Elvis tattoos years after his death because they were admirers?  This friend is deceased and they never dated so what really is the point of backtracking through her FB? 

I didn't know anything about this friend or who they were. It seemed weird. Curious how he fit into the equation . Friend ? Boyfriend ? More ? Not sure... no conversation of him ever. So a tattoo was like .... who ? What ? 

[Andrina]

When I first read this, I thought you were speaking of someone in their early 20s. She sounds really immature to me, and you both have regularly occurring distrust in one another, scouring each others social media. Sounds like the grounds too shaky to plan on marriage right now. 

[Jojo1972]

16 minutes ago, Andrina said:

When I first read this, I thought you were speaking of someone in their early 20s. She sounds really immature to me, and you both have regularly occurring distrust in one another, scouring each others social media. Sounds like the grounds too shaky to plan on marriage right now. 

Actually no distrust. I don't think you read all of the details. Wanting to know who this person is that my future wife wants a tattoo of is .... normal. No place easier to answer that question than fb. Would you want to know if your sig other wanted a tattoo of an unknown to you person of the gender of preference

[Andrina]

She distrusts you, since she feels you're inappropriate in who you're FB friends with, and keeping tabs on whose posts you're liking. You feel like you can't trust that she's emotionally devoted to you because she seeks out eye candy, and perhaps with the tattoo, she's trying to seek out nostalgic happiness because she's feeling the present is blah. I don't think it's wise to marry until those major problems are sorted out. 

With the TikTok, and her comments about a hot friend, you're seeing how she rolls. It's a pattern. If you're expecting her to change at the age of 51, I don't think that'll happen.

[Jojo1972]

4 hours ago, Jojo1972 said:

My girlfriend of over a year, recently mentioned getting memorial tattoo for a guy she used to hang out with in a  friend group setting who passed 5 years ago, everyone was supposed to get a specific tattoo but she never did, now feels bad and wants to. This is the first im really hearing (She has a sister who passed 7 years ago and I've seen many tears shed but no mention of tattoo for her)

I'm curious, I look up guy, ok friend group. 

I ask what prompted it ? Guilt that other people got the tattoo... she said no.. I asked was this someone of significance to you, no... he only dated boys. Ok.. something seemed off. I asked what her feelings were, she blushed, smiled, got uncomfortable, said well, she had voiced her opinions many times, he was very nice looking. Rambled some. Described reason for tattoo and description of friendship.... used to hang in a group, parties, concerts, liked a mutual band. (Not anything significant , hung out with the group of many)

I'm more curious...later i look up guy on Facebook. I feel bad but something feels weird.  Click pictures... OK, numerous where she comments OMG or DAMN... One where they are together and mistaken for a couple, comment that he's a handsome man, her response was I WISH, and yes, he is a handsome man. 

I feel bad that it feels weird to me. 

(We recently had an issue with her commenting on male tiktok videos that wasn't exactly, appropriate, very recent) all cleared up. I genuinely believe she was oblivious. Deleted account, 10,000 followers, etc. I feel we are great together but I also don't want to feel bad. 

I don't want to be an insensitive jerk either.

Tattoo or no tattoo

Thoughts ? 

 

I'm less looking  for relationship advice, more asking views of the tattoo... meaning ? Appropriate or not......  any thoughts you have ? 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Jojo1972 said:

51 years old. When not in a relationship she was always a social butterfly and didn't make great choices. , my marriage of 30 years, my wife was a heavy porn addict. Hours a day while I worked, neglected me completely. It ultimately ended us. I did not believe in divorce but .... 

Sorry this happened. How long have you been divorced?  Please don't Rush into marriage again. While the tattoo thing is weird and something to work out, please reflect on your own baggage and what you might be complicating the situation with.  

[smackie9]

if you are getting married, you need to communicate your feelings about this. If you don't start now, your marriage will fail. 

[Jojo1972]

1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

if you are getting married, you need to communicate your feelings about this. If you don't start now, your marriage will fail. 

I'm less looking for relationship advice and more view on tattoo

[smackie9]

 

Just now, Jojo1972 said:

I'm less looking for relationship advice and more view on tattoo

OK I will tell you this...you think I would let my husband get a memorial tattoo of some hottie friend he was probably mackin on? Oh hell NO! there would be his clothing on the front lawn on fire. There would be just no way.

I would tell her that you do not want to be lookin at that tattoo for the rest of your life...everyday, every morning getting out of the shower, at the beach, in bed....just no. Grow a spine and tell her no way. She's making one of her bad choices again. That's what I mean about "communication". If you don't stand up to her on this subject, you won't be doing too well in your marriage. 

[Jojo1972]

16 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

 

OK I will tell you this...you think I would let my husband get a memorial tattoo of some hottie friend he was probably mackin on? Oh hell NO! there would be his clothing on the front lawn on fire. There would be just no way.

I would tell her that you do not want to be lookin at that tattoo for the rest of your life...everyday, every morning getting out of the shower, at the beach, in bed....just no. Grow a spine and tell her no way. She's making one of her bad choices again. That's what I mean about "communication". If you don't stand up to her on this subject, you won't be doing too well in your marriage. 

Well put. Comprehended. Thank you ☺ 

[Batya33]

23 minutes ago, Jojo1972 said:

I'm less looking for relationship advice and more view on tattoo

I don’t have a specific view on tattoos but like Smackie no to any constant in my face reminder of an ex or an old crush.  For example what if you offered her your ex wife’s wedding band or engagement ring.  Or the heart necklace she returned to you ?

[Jojo1972]

6 minutes ago, Jojo1972 said:

Well put. Comprehended. Thank you ☺ 

One more point that I think is being missed. Her guy crush actually preferred men himself. I didn't think that made a difference. She was still pretty vocal about her attraction. Respectfully but still.... make a difference ? 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Jojo1972 said:

One more point that I think is being missed. Her guy crush actually preferred men himself. I didn't think that made a difference. She was still pretty vocal about her attraction. Respectfully but still.... make a difference ? 

No. Maybe she thought she could win him over and or he was bi. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Jojo1972 said:

One more point that I think is being missed. Her guy crush actually preferred men himself. I didn't think that made a difference. She was still pretty vocal about her attraction. Respectfully but still.... make a difference ? 

Ok. The tattoo thing is definitely weird. But as mentioned, no more weird than getting a tattoo of Elvis, RuPaul or her deceased cat.

So what if she thought this gay friend was attractive? That's not really the point. The point is do you want to look at a tattoo of this guy 24/7? 

You can't really sever this decision from the overall relationship. It involves something permanent and reflects her overall judgement and tastes.