Desperate help needed

[Xxxsamxxx1999]

Been in a relationship for five years with an Albanian guy. I am not Albanian by nationality. We are in our mid late 20s. Continuously having issues where I’m not seen initiative from his side and constantly ask him to step up. an example, if we’ve had an argument, he sweeps it under the rug instead of coming over to talk through it and resolve it. I also find myself always having to engage in confrontational conversations with him and I am starting to feel like I am a problem for him because I am always bringing up things that can be improved that are not making me feel good, but his response to that is  sweep it under the rug and ignore it .I hate being the one that brings up everything because I feel like a constantly have a problem. be very much lead a very separate relationship where we are not a single unit but instead two separate entities so we don’t tend to say things like “ours”, “we”, “us”.  I feel like I always go above and beyond to please him and his family. He reciprocates that as well, however, sometimes does not. I also feel like my efforts are very under-appreciated by him and I almost feel as if he expected that from me. When speaking of the future, he tells me that it is “unpredictable and we don’t know what can happen”. As a woman in a long-term relationship, this makes me feel unsettled and uneasy, because I feel like I’m just a pitstop and I feel like nothing will materialise and I am just wasting my time. he doesn’t provide me with any reassurance apart from “I wouldn’t be with you for this long, if I didn’t see a future with you”. When I have these conversations with him about all of the above, he says this is how he is and he doesn’t know what more he can do.
 

I feel like I’m asking for the minimum because I truly believe that if you love someone, you will go out of your way to compromise with them and find middle ground because you love them and they mean something to you.

Am I overthinking can someone shed some light. If theres any nationals here can would love to ask you q’s!  

[catfeeder]

It might help to clarify for yourself (and us) what, exactly, you want to hear from him that he's not saying, and what behaviors you want from him, exactly, that he's not doing.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Xxxsamxxx1999 said:

 I also find myself always having to engage in confrontational conversations with him and I am starting to feel like I am a problem for him because I am always bringing up things that can be improved that are not making me feel good, but his response to that is  sweep it under the rug and ignore it .

Sorry this is happening. Are you living together? What are the arguments about?  What things aren't making you feel good and need improvement? 

Do you have the same goals as far as marriage and family? Do you both work? What gives you the impression he's just coasting along? 

[smackie9]

He finds this quiet taxing so he avoids you. He's done with it because there always seems to be a problem. I really don't blame him. IMO if there are issues that are being continuously brought up that means you are not compatible and as a couple this isn't working out.

[Jaunty]

I'm pretty baffled as to why you've stayed in this relationship which is so very unfulfilling for you for FIVE YEARS.

The time is long past for you to have made the decision to either accept him as he is, or leave.  He is not going to change, and in fact it's not quite right for you to be with a person who you feel you need to change in order for them to be satisfactory for you.   

I doubt that being Albanian has much to do with it.

[Xxxsamxxx1999]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

I'm pretty baffled as to why you've stayed in this relationship which is so very unfulfilling for you for FIVE YEARS.

The time is long past for you to have made the decision to either accept him as he is, or leave.  He is not going to change, and in fact it's not quite right for you to be with a person who you feel you need to change in order for them to be satisfactory for you.   

I doubt that being Albanian has much to do with it.

When we started seeing each other we were still young and finishing education so there wasnt much pressure back then as there is bow when we are much older in life and want to do something with it because we arent getting younger.

Appreciate your views here & thank you! 

I am also not trying to change him, we are different people and i respect that. 

[Xxxsamxxx1999]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

He finds this quiet taxing so he avoids you. He's done with it because there always seems to be a problem. I really don't blame him. IMO if there are issues that are being continuously brought up that means you are not compatible and as a couple this isn't working out.

He hadn’t explicitly told me that, but if i feel as if im always trying to mend things and resolve any disagreements so we can go back to normal and get out of the funk. I wouldn't blame him for feeling that like that. Because its taxing for me doing it. 
 

Maybe youre right if issue are constant then it might be the end. 

[Xxxsamxxx1999]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Are you living together? What are the arguments about?  What things aren't making you feel good and need improvement? 

Do you have the same goals as far as marriage and family? Do you both work? What gives you the impression he's just coasting along? 

We are not living together and i dont think this would happen for a while longer. He wants to buy his family a house first before he gets his own but even then in his culture the wife moves in with him and parents which is what he wants. During our conversations he did say we cant talk about future till we are “married” because thats when our life begins.

Arguments are usually about a collection of small things that’s accumulate into a whole massive argument. Sometimes id like us to go away and enjoy a holiday and we often fight about that because his mum doesnt like him to go very far and he doesnt to keep mum happy. Sometimes we argue over stuff i put on my social media, nothing inappropriate btw but just reposting memes, or posting group photos from holiday on the beach or something. Above all we argue about him not stepping up sometimes and taking initiative as i commonly step out and go out of my way to do things and make his life easier. 
 

its a really tough one because we started as vest mates and worked our way up but because he is so set in his ways and refuses to find compromise times have gotten harder. We defo see eye to eye on SO many things especially family values and marriage. We both work and quiet happy with our jobs. They dont get into the way. 
 

i guess as cliche as it sounds i just sometimes want to be wanted a bit more by him, we see each other once a week. I’d also love to feel a bit more integrated into his family because ive made every effort for him to be integrated in mine. But i respect that out cultures are different. Sometimes i just want him to ve a bit more present because i feel like he is just coasting through this. Ge even said at a friends dinner that we are “dating” rather than “in relationship” which kinda silenced the table and was very awkward after for a bit. I feel ive given all i could and space for him to get to grips with how relationships work after 5 years. But he still seems to as oblivious as day one to many things. 
 

guess it just hurts, because my needs in relationships have evolved as i grew up and i guess im expecting different thing from this point in my life. And he seems fine with how everything was from day one. Dont know if i wait and maybe it will get better or if its better to close the chapter and maybe just be friends because i dont want it to get to the point where we start resenting each other. 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Xxxsamxxx1999 said:

 He wants to buy his family a house first before he gets his own but even then in his culture the wife moves in with him and parents which is what he wants. During our conversations he did say we cant talk about future till we are “married” because thats when our life begins. We defo see eye to eye on SO many things especially family values and marriage. 

Unfortunately marriage and family seems to be the area you see least eye to eye with. He seems to be coasting along and has plans with his family and moving a wife into his family. Are you actually on board with that? 

[Xxxsamxxx1999]

3 hours ago, catfeeder said:

It might help to clarify for yourself (and us) what, exactly, you want to hear from him that he's not saying, and what behaviors you want from him, exactly, that he's not doing.

 

Guess i just want him to just be empathetic, and i confide in you how i feel about anything in life/relationship/work/family ect that youre there to support. Often he doesnt know what to say and leaves me feeling a little silly coming to him to chat. Sometimes in times of doubt i just want reassurance as any person would want. 

Above all compromise would be amazing, i find myself compromising around him and his family requests while he is very head strong and stubborn. Feel like if you can see the other half doing it for you to make you happy because they care about you, the other person should also feel up to it. 
 

talking about future and not leaving it till we are married to then chat about it would be amazing and would provide me with reassurance i need to know that this is going in the direction i wanted it to. I loved him since meeting him i have always wanted to build a life with him, always felt giddy aboutbit like a little child and the prospect of it always excited me cos i get to spend my life with him. I know its very cliche and maybe cheese but he made me feel this way and even despite everything i still feel like it. 
 

but in the end if its not meant to be, i cant force it. And i know it will be painful to let go but if it's for the best then let it be. Im fully aware of this. 

[Xxxsamxxx1999]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately marriage and family seems to be the area you see least eye to eye with. He seems to be coasting along and has plans with his family and moving a wife into his family. Are you actually on board with that? 

He certainly is coasting and i guess i just want something a little more serious after 5 long years a bit of commitment i guess. From meeting his family briefly i think they are wonderful, and i can be open minded to living with them. But i cant shake the feelings of me always feeling as a guest in the house, having to be my best self all the time, i dont think i can disagree with his mum because he told me he expect me to agree with her and then we will work it out between us. But most off all i want to have privacy and want to live with him minus the family. If i had to live with his family i reckon i could only do it short term and not forever because i wouldnt want to start a family under his parents roof. 

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, Xxxsamxxx1999 said:

Been in a relationship for five years with an Albanian guy. I am not Albanian by nationality.

Are you willing to convert to Islam and be obedient serv, oops, I mean wife to him and his family? Because I am pretty sure you would be expected to do just that if you want marriage.

Albanians are pretty much stucked in traditions like that. Most of them are Islam believers so without you converting there is no marriage. Maybe you are also Islam in faith so there isnt a problem there but know that it would pretty much be expected from you. And you listening to him and his family is expected from you as a woman. 

He may date around if he lives in some western Europe country such as England(they are very populated in London) or even countries like Switzerland. But rest assure that he wont marry you if you arent pretty much subservant to him and his family.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Xxxsamxxx1999 said:

 he told me he expect me to agree with her and then we will work it out between us. But most off all i want to have privacy and want to live with him minus the family. 

Unfortunately you may have to reflect if you're incompatible culturally.  Do you really want to be a prisoner of his family and their lockstep ways in your own home? 

[Xxxsamxxx1999]

3 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Are you willing to convert to Islam and be obedient serv, oops, I mean wife to him and his family? Because I am pretty sure you would be expected to do just that if you want marriage.

Albanians are pretty much stucked in traditions like that. Most of them are Islam believers so without you converting there is no marriage. Maybe you are also Islam in faith so there isnt a problem there but know that it would pretty much be expected from you. And you listening to him and his family is expected from you as a woman. 

He may date around if he lives in some western Europe country such as England(they are very populated in London) or even countries like Switzerland. But rest assure that he wont marry you if you arent pretty much subservant to him and his family.

So he isnt religious actually, his mum just celebrates somethings thats all. So they are pretty okay in that sense. But there are some things he tells me which allude to obedience. 
 

but yeah they are very stuck in their ways and im a bit more librated in my views and open minded. He is just set on some things. 

[Xxxsamxxx1999]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you may have to reflect if you're incompatible culturally.  Do you really want to be a prisoner of his family and their lockstep ways in your own home? 

I think youre right. All of this has been eating me away slowly because its a lot to consider and what life could potentially turn out to be like. 
 

thank you so much for chipping in! Means a lot, didnt think I was going to have much luck on here finding an outside perspective. 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

He finds this quiet taxing so he avoids you. He's done with it because there always seems to be a problem. I really don't blame him. IMO if there are issues that are being continuously brought up that means you are not compatible and as a couple this isn't working out.

I agree with @smackie9.

Most people (in this case your boyfriend) don't enjoy being constantly bombarded with complaints or pushing for more - more empathy, more time together,  more commitment.  More everything. 

It's mentally draining and exhausting and will typically result in the exact opposite happening.  He will shut down and become even more distant.

It can become a vicious cycle that destroys rather than builds. 

Imo it's really very simple.  You either accept him for who he is, and appreciate what he has to give and does give, OR you leave, end the relationship.

You might discover that once you begin accepting him and appreciating the things he DOES give you, he may want and desire to give you more, from his heart, without you having to ask or nag him about it.

I'm not saying that will definitely happen, the bottom line is acceptance. 

Either accept him for who is and what he's desirous and capable of giving, or wish him well and walk away.

 

 

[Andrina]

On 12/23/2023 at 5:14 PM, Xxxsamxxx1999 said:

because my needs in relationships have evolved as i grew up and i guess im expecting different thing from this point in my life. And he seems fine with how everything was from day one. Dont know if i wait and maybe it will get better or if its better to close the chapter and maybe just be friends because i dont want it to get to the point where we start resenting each other. 

Quite normal to outgrow a relationship, even within the same culture.

Don't ever stick around hoping for major improvements. What you see is what you get. There are guys you can meet who you could fall in love with who are fine just the way they are, and whom you're regularly happy with.

Give yourself a good year solo to learn who you are without being in a couple. And do not stay friends with this guy. It's not in your best interest or his when you both begin dating others. Get a clean break to be respectful to a future partner, plus it's better for your own closure. Hard to open the door to new possibilities when you have a foot stuck in the back door.

A shiny new year awaits. Take advantage of that.