My partner said he values his new hobby more and he would choose that over us

[Lionhearts]

My partner has recently started a new hobby, whilst I’m happy that he’s found something that he enjoys I can’t help but be sad at the way he’s gone about doing it. It’s negatively affected our relationship - he’s started lying to me regularly, it’s taken over our lives to the point he stays up all night and gets up late for work, and it’s affected his responsibilities as a parent he’s slacked with his children since starting it. I’m also pregnant with our third child and he’s been no support throughout the pregnancy so far. We’ve been arguing a lot recently, and he can’t why I get so upset about it - he told me that if it came down to it he would choose this new hobby over relationship and he’d be happy for us to not be together anymore if it meant he could continue. I just don’t know what I should do any more, whether I should learn to accept that this is something he’s not going to change and try to get on for our children’s sakes or do I leave knowing that he doesn’t care. Am I wrong for getting upset in the first place? 

[Batya33]

What hobby has him up all night ?  That sounds obsessive. Especially if he’d choose it over his family. Is it gaming ?

[Capricorn3]

18 minutes ago, Lionhearts said:

 It’s negatively affected our relationship - he’s started lying to me regularly, it’s taken over our lives to the point he stays up all night and gets up late for work, and it’s affected his responsibilities as a parent he’s slacked with his children since starting it.

he told me that if it came down to it he would choose this new hobby over relationship and he’d be happy for us to not be together anymore if it meant he could continue.

When anything gets to that ^ point, there's a huge problem. It's become an obsession. Being late for work, lack of responsibility as a parent etc etc, this guy has lost the plot.  He needs help, but I highly doubt he'll make an effort to get it - simply because he doesn't care.

OP, you are not wrong for getting upset.  So sorry this is happening.  I would dump his sorry a$$. You need to take care of yourself and your children.  I wish you well.

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, Lionhearts said:

 - he’s started lying to me regularly, it’s taken over our lives to the point he stays up all night and gets up late for work, and it’s affected his responsibilities as a parent he’s slacked with his children since starting it. I’m also pregnant with our third child  he told me that if it came down to it he would choose this new hobby over relationship and he’d be happy for us to not be together anymore if it meant he could continue.

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been together?  How old are the children? Do you both work? Do you both contribute roughly equally to finances, household responsibilities and childcare?

Is he diverting money as well as time into this hobby? Does he have a gaming or gambling addiction or any other unhealthy habits? 

Please take care of yourself and your children only. Please only shop cook clean and do laundry for yourself and your children. If he's hungry he'll have to get food himself and wear dirty clothes. 

Please do not free up time for him or enable him in this manner. Ask him to sleep in the guestroom/sofa until he gets his head out of his butt. If he loves his hobby more than you and the children, let him stay in the room with the hobby. 

Please talk to trusted friends and family about what's going on and enlist their support. Unfortunately you can't fix or change him but you can take action to take care of yourself and your family and not enable his nonsense or dismissive attitude. 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Lionhearts said:

he’s started lying to me regularly, it’s taken over our lives to the point he stays up all night and gets up late for work, and it’s affected his responsibilities as a parent he’s slacked with his children since starting it. I’m also pregnant with our third child and he’s been no support throughout the pregnancy so far. We’ve been arguing a lot recently, and he can’t why I get so upset about it - he told me that if it came down to it he would choose this new hobby over relationship and he’d be happy for us to not be together anymore if it meant he could continue.

Reading the quote above, to me this sounds like an addiction.  And any addiction is very serious and it can destroy relationships, families, work and basically their life and the lives of everyone close to them.

Re what's bolded, my first thought was when your partner says this to you, you pack your bags and leave, stay with family, friends, whatever you need to do.  And honestly if it were me, I would do just that and HAVE done that.   That was an extremely thoughtless and cruel thing to say especially while you are pregnant.

I went through this same experience with an ex, long story but we were engaged to be married and he became addicted to meth and coke and it did destroy our relationship and I DID leave.  I broke the engagement and it was the best decision I ever made.

Like your boyfriend, his addiction became more important than me and our relationship, more important than anything.  He lost several jobs because of it as well.  AND friends.

My leaving was the best thing to happen to him too as it was a BIG wakeup call for him to seek help and he went into rehab.  Today, he is clean.

I don't know what this new "hobby" is but IF it's gaming (which frankly it sounds like it might be), please do some research, gaming is extremely addicting, there have been studies on it.

Please understand you cannot help him or fix him.  You must take care of you and your children.  That should be your first priority.

He's a grown man, let him figure out what HE needs to do and hopefully he will sooner rather than later.

I wish you all the best @Lionheartsagain I've been there and it was one of the worst experiences of my life.

TAKE CARE OF YOU, and of course your children.

Take care. 

 

 

 

[smackie9]

ya what's this "new" hobby? and does it involve other people?