I'm a mess after a (toxic) break up

[Sparkie84]

We were in a toxic relationship for 2 years that was never even "official".

It began as an affair and there's been so much heartbreak - public humiliation, arguments, on/off for so so long, jealousy, distrust. He works away a lot in the music industry which has been a cause of lots of problems. Even after all this I miss him. Even after writing down all the times I felt so upset and he hurt me - I still miss him.

We began talking in 2019 whilst I was married (unhappy), and I'm certainly not proud of that. In 2022 we met and a month later I asked my husband to leave and we have been seeing each other since. I'm now divorced and have zero regrets about the marriage ending. 
 

But this guy... the whole thing has broken me. I keep reflecting on the times when we laughed, cooked together had great sex. Our humour was so similar and he once told me no girl had ever made him laugh like me. Times when I felt like he was my person. I miss his friendship and "getting" each other. 

He even said I made him a better person - but how?

I blocked him yesterday and I haven't gone into work today as I'm just broken inside. I need a day to really process it all. Although I know it will take much longer than a day. 

We've spent 2 weeks messaging and analysing. He blames me and vice versa.

I can't stop thinking about how when he's working away he will be surrounding by women and he will have so many opportunities to forget me. It kills me to even think about it. 

I don't know how I'm going to get through it. I want to cry whenever I think of him. Cry because of how much he has hurt me and broken me. Cry about what could have been. When will it feel less raw? I want to fast forward 2 months and avoid having to go through this pain but I know I can't.
It's like an unhealthy addiction, which I have tried to stop so so many times. I'm terrified of letting him back in, in some way. That one of us won't stick to the decision and we will end up starting up again - then it will be ok for a bit but ultimately we will end up back here and having to grieve each other all over again. 
Hour to hour I go from feeling so so gutted and cry, then relief, then cry again. 

I'm ranting and letting it out and don't expect any sympathy - I blame myself for allowing this to go on for as long it has. 

I'm just so sad and messed up. 

 

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, Sparkie84 said:

 In 2022 we met and a month later I asked my husband to leave and we have been seeing each other since. I'm now divorced and have zero regrets about the marriage ending. I blocked him yesterday .

Sorry this is happening. It seems like you were in a bad place when you met and he was sort of a rebound to get you through the divorce. A bandaid of sorts.

Perhaps the bad marriage, divorce etc is finally hitting you like a tsunami. All at once. 2 breakups back-to-back. 

It's good you ended things if it was "toxic". What were the arguments and breakups about? Is he sort of a player who's on the road and has groupies? 

Try not to drag out the breakup with messaging, postmortem analysis and  blaming. That's just an extension of the overall toxicity. 

[Andrina]

Expect that any man who will have anything to do with a married woman will not be longterm material. He never sought anything serious, in that case. 

Psychology is important. Stop the reel in your brain, phrasing it as that he's broken you. Not true. What's true is that you're upset at the moment.

What will be helpful is that you can learn from your mistakes. Practice wiser decisions for better outcomes. When you were not happy in your marriage, instead of entering a new relationship before ending the last one, you should've divorced, given yourself a good year alone to go through all the breakup stages, and then you would've been in a better mindset to properly choose a good dating prospect.

If you don't realize your mistakes, you're bound to repeat them. Start now and take that lengthy alone time. Better late than never. Build a fulfilling life without a man for a while, and be firm about block and delete. When the past comes calling, don't answer. It has nothing new to say. 

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, Andrina said:

What will be helpful is that you can learn from your mistakes. Practice wiser decisions for better outcomes. When you were not happy in your marriage, instead of entering a new relationship before ending the last one, you should've divorced, given yourself a good year alone to go through all the breakup stages, and then you would've been in a better mindset to properly choose a good dating prospect.

I second this.

It's like you overlapped for a time, before you asked the hubby to move out & divorce... 

You took no real 'down time' to work through your emotions on your failed marriage.

Now, you sit here broken 😞 . I'm sorry for your pains, yes it hurts.  You just need time.

I suggest you take some decent time now, on your own to work through all of this you've experienced and get back to good again. 🙂 .  It'll happen, in time.  For now, you have a lot to process.

In time you'll also realize why this last one didn't work for you either. ( you two were obviously not compatible).

It happens.  We meet people, we fancy certain ones and we seek affection, attention etc from them.  We can also become easily emotionally invested in them.

Now, you just need to process everything and work on accepting what is.  Be easy on yourself, take walks, get some air, try and get out there, chat w/ friends and journaling, I found helped.  If you don't feel up to par in a cpl mos, consider some therapy, maybe.

Take care.  One day at a time. 

[Sparkie84]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It seems like you were in a bad place when you met and he was sort of a rebound to get you through the divorce. A bandaid of sorts.

Perhaps the bad marriage, divorce etc is finally hitting you like a tsunami. All at once. 2 breakups back-to-back. 

I actually think this hit me earlier this year - May. My mental health was so poor during this time due to a number of reasons. 

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's good you ended things if it was "toxic". What were the arguments and breakups about? Is he sort of a player who's on the road and has groupies? 

No he's not like that and maintains he isn't a player and that we had something special. We just clashed, arguments about how he spoke to me at times, me being on dating app when we were "off", him going out drinking after gigs then complaining about his job but not doing anything about it. 
Him leading me on and making out we had a future then in the next breath doesn't want a relationship. 

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try not to drag out the breakup with messaging, postmortem analysis and  blaming. That's just an extension of the overall toxicity. 

It's just so hard, as I feel like I've lost a friend too.