Help About An Ex!

[JustWundering]

What should I do?

Last year in August I began having some doubts about the future of mine and then-fiancé’s future. After feeling unhappy and that there was a lack of effort it threw serious concerns. Meanwhile whilst these feelings are brewing, an old friend got in touch and it was my ex as I was a kid. I’m 29 just about to turn 30 and I was 16/17 when being with this girl. After being quite vocal with my fiancé, nothing seemed to change. We were coming in from work, watching television and then going to sleep - repeat. Sex had basically become non-existent and she told me she didn’t feel comfortable speaking with my ex. I know how that sounds, but I never in a million years thought this would go in a sexual direction. I agreed to stop speaking to her… I didn’t though. After a rummage through my phone, my then fiancé saw we hadn’t stopped talking. I was working away that week and I felt relieved to be taking some time away. I ended the relationship. Fast forward a couple of months and I slept with the ex from when I was 16/17. I fell in love… I felt guilty, stupid, disgusting and confused. I’ve never and never would cheat on someone but I admit it was a little dodgy. Anyway… she didn’t reciprocate the feelings. I was heartbroken. I felt I’d left an engagement, a house and potential future family for this and nothing came of it. We didn’t speak for a few weeks/couple of months and we weren’t on good terms at all. After a cooling period we began to meet again. Coffee here and there. Walks here and there. Outings with their kids. I enjoyed it. I suppressed and told myself the feelings are gone. ‘We’re just friends now’. There’s been no sexual encounters for 9 months. It’s deeper than just the sex though and here lies my problem. I don’t know what to do. I care about her so much. And her kids… her family are great. I feel she’s very calculated in her interactions with me. She likes to be in control. She keeps me at arms reach then contacts. When I go distant or quiet and don’t initiate a text conversation, I get questioned as to why. Again, she don’t like this as she isn’t in control. My question is should I cut this off - even as friends? I love her to bits and genuinely have so so so much of a good time when we’re together. A smile never leaves my face. I’m happy. I’m content. The rest of the world doesn’t matter. We’re giggly. There’s clearly something there from her behalf even if it isn’t flat out love. Due to some toxic past relationships, she troubles  to trust, have faith and letting doubts and fears interfere. I just so find it so painful that we’re nothing more and hearing her saying how she likes other people, sleeps with other people etc… it would be even more painful to see her out of my life? Anybody care to give me any advice? 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, JustWundering said:

  I felt I’d left an engagement, a house and potential future family for this and nothing came of it. . I just so find it so painful that we’re nothing more and hearing her saying how she likes other people, sleeps with other people etc…

Sorry this is happening. However it seems like you were eager to end your relationship with your GF. As far as this old flame, unfortunately it seems she likes you as a friend, but why she hooked up with you at first is unclear. 

She doesn't seem interested in a relationship with you at this time. It's up to you how long you want to be in the friendzone. 

To be honest two bad relationships don't equal one good one. Perhaps this old flame simply provided the inspiration to finally stop coasting along and exit the other relationship. 

 

[MissCanuck]

You needed to end your previous relationship, so that was wise regardless. 

However, it was a mistake to think that you and your ex would be a couple after that. She enjoys your company but doesn't see you as boyfriend material. 

It's time to cut her off altogether. You're fooling yourself if you think it will be less painful to keep her in your life, because the day will come when she tells you she is actually dating someone and can't see you anymore. 

Take a big step back. Be single for a while. And start fresh with someone who feels the same way you do. This woman isn't it. 

[smackie9]

Rip the band-aid off quickly and the pain will leave just as fast.

[shouldhavelearned]

Stop being a jerk and hurting people on purpose

No need to ruin their life temporarily for your own pleasure.

[JoyfulCompany]

In short - you're wasting your time. You're neither friends, nor lovers. There's no commitment and there won't be - if she wanted to it would've happened by now.

While still holding onto hope, you won't be able to meet someone else. Or, even if you meet a woman, you'll be comparing her to the one you're keeping close and harbouring feelings for. It'll be messy. It'll be messy also if the current one meets a man.

I think it's time to learn to end things that are not working out. It will spare you the following:

On 11/12/2023 at 2:37 AM, JustWundering said:

I felt guilty, stupid, disgusting and confused.

as well as some upcoming heartbreak.

[SooSad33]

On 11/11/2023 at 7:37 PM, JustWundering said:

A smile never leaves my face. I’m happy. I’m content. The rest of the world doesn’t matter. We’re giggly. There’s clearly something there from her behalf even if it isn’t flat out love. Due to some toxic past relationships, she troubles  to trust, have faith and letting doubts and fears interfere. I just so find it so painful that we’re nothing more and hearing her saying how she likes other people, sleeps with other people etc… it would be even more painful to see her out of my life?

I see fantasy vs reality here... and you two are basically in the honeymoon phase, it sounds like.

How long did you jump into things w/ her after you left the ex? - did I miss that?

I feel things will dwindle down to trouble, as mentioned here ^ .  She wants to play around, she doesn't sound too serious, does she?

I highly suggest you back off and take some serious 'down time', on your own. Stop dating and just work through all of this.. get over your other relationship as well.  I don't believe you've even begun to comprehend that, only pushed that all under the rug, kinda thing... yes?