What should I do?
Last year in August I began having some doubts about the future of mine and then-fiancé’s future. After feeling unhappy and that there was a lack of effort it threw serious concerns. Meanwhile whilst these feelings are brewing, an old friend got in touch and it was my ex as I was a kid. I’m 29 just about to turn 30 and I was 16/17 when being with this girl. After being quite vocal with my fiancé, nothing seemed to change. We were coming in from work, watching television and then going to sleep - repeat. Sex had basically become non-existent and she told me she didn’t feel comfortable speaking with my ex. I know how that sounds, but I never in a million years thought this would go in a sexual direction. I agreed to stop speaking to her… I didn’t though. After a rummage through my phone, my then fiancé saw we hadn’t stopped talking. I was working away that week and I felt relieved to be taking some time away. I ended the relationship. Fast forward a couple of months and I slept with the ex from when I was 16/17. I fell in love… I felt guilty, stupid, disgusting and confused. I’ve never and never would cheat on someone but I admit it was a little dodgy. Anyway… she didn’t reciprocate the feelings. I was heartbroken. I felt I’d left an engagement, a house and potential future family for this and nothing came of it. We didn’t speak for a few weeks/couple of months and we weren’t on good terms at all. After a cooling period we began to meet again. Coffee here and there. Walks here and there. Outings with their kids. I enjoyed it. I suppressed and told myself the feelings are gone. ‘We’re just friends now’. There’s been no sexual encounters for 9 months. It’s deeper than just the sex though and here lies my problem. I don’t know what to do. I care about her so much. And her kids… her family are great. I feel she’s very calculated in her interactions with me. She likes to be in control. She keeps me at arms reach then contacts. When I go distant or quiet and don’t initiate a text conversation, I get questioned as to why. Again, she don’t like this as she isn’t in control. My question is should I cut this off - even as friends? I love her to bits and genuinely have so so so much of a good time when we’re together. A smile never leaves my face. I’m happy. I’m content. The rest of the world doesn’t matter. We’re giggly. There’s clearly something there from her behalf even if it isn’t flat out love. Due to some toxic past relationships, she troubles to trust, have faith and letting doubts and fears interfere. I just so find it so painful that we’re nothing more and hearing her saying how she likes other people, sleeps with other people etc… it would be even more painful to see her out of my life? Anybody care to give me any advice?
