Am I right to leave?

[JosieP]

I’ve been in a 5 year relationship and I want to leave but I feel like I’m being guilt tripped into staying; just give me a chance, I won’t be ok without you etc. 

I don’t actually know where to begin so much as happened. I cheated initially in the early stages of our relationship but we worked through and stayed together and life was ok but I suffered constant verbal attacks because of what I did. Partner has a range of health issues, supported and cared for him throughout, custody battle with ex, fully invested into his children etc. 

I have always felt last in his priorities, I planned everything days out, the few trips we’ve done etc. I sorted everything out for his kids and treated like I would my own, ran the house cooked cleaned the lot, while working a full time job. His mental health hasn’t been great and I would always walk on egg shells around him worrying about his mood, but just plodded on. I became depressed, never left the house, quiet went to work and that was it, I spent most of my time just crying and sleeping. He claims to have supported me yet I’ve told him most of the time his support made me feel worse, sex disappeared - it wasn’t on my mind at all but needed love and comfort in other ways and he basically started going out all weekends etc. he showed zero interest in me and would leave me crying most weekends to “go out with his mates.” 

I now know that he’s spent hours messaging women for 2 years on IG, Facebook (that I didn’t know he had), on all the dating sites, met up with women, slept with 3 and basically told his mates that he’s found the one and he was done with me.

I found out all this and then a few other things happened where I became fearful and upset and something in my head switched and I became extremely cold. I’ve spoken to womens aid because of threats made and how I’ve felt around him. 

now he wants a chance to show me how much he loves and for me to give him a chance but I gave him 4 years of chances to show me anything. He blames me because I wasn’t having sex with him yet he was out all the time sleeping with or meeting other women.

I’ve stated I want to leave but he’s stating he deserves this chance, he gave me a chance at the start etc. 

what shall I do? Please help me! 

[catfeeder]

One person gets to call a breakup. It's not a democracy. You don't need to negotiate--his agreement is not required.

We never get any wasted time back to re-live over again.

Consult with Woman's Aid again to ensure that you break up in the safest way possible, then just do it.

[Andrina]

If you live with him, move out and don't tell him where you are. This is all so toxic, you will shake your head at why you stayed so long when you get a needed distance. Make sure he's removed as a user on any of your accounts, if that's the case.

[SooSad33]

9 hours ago, JosieP said:

His mental health hasn’t been great and I would always walk on egg shells around him worrying about his mood, but just plodded on. I became depressed, never left the house, quiet went to work and that was it, I spent most of my time just crying and sleeping. He claims to have supported me yet I’ve told him most of the time his support made me feel worse, sex disappeared - it wasn’t on my mind at all but needed love and comfort in other ways and he basically started going out all weekends etc. he showed zero interest in me and would leave me crying most weekends to “go out with his mates.” 

I now know that he’s spent hours messaging women for 2 years on IG, Facebook (that I didn’t know he had), on all the dating sites, met up with women, slept with 3 and basically told his mates that he’s found the one and he was done with me.

Heck yeah, get out of this toxic mess!  The worst thing is to be walking on eggshells.  I had a relation like that and realized no way am I gonna live like this...

YOU have control over yourself & your life.  You know you deserve better than some messed up guy who acts like this.. guilt trips, cheating etc.

[MissCanuck]

On 10/21/2023 at 10:49 AM, JosieP said:

he’s stating he deserves this chance, he gave me a chance at the start

Uh, no. He is not owed a chance. 

He made the choice to stay with you, so that's on him. It doesn't give him a pass to be an assclown for the remainder of the relationship. It doesn't mean you are required to give him a chance. 

I can't for the life of me fathom why you'd want to, either. Go and find a better guy, and leave this toxic dumpter fire of a relationship behind you. 

 

[Kathryn657xx]

You should feel valued and appreciated, love and saftey in a relationship - especially after 5 years. I understand it is difficult for you to leave under pressures on his mental health - but you only get one life! He will be fine.. still not your fault if he isn't. 

There are also too many different women - different social media platforms he's been playing on. Get rid of him, you cannot trust him. P.s you mentioned cheating at the beginning of your relationship.. this has no relevance to now so i hope you don't allow past guilt to guide you down the wrong path.

[HeartGoesOn]

I 'd chalk this is up as a case of what you see is what you get.  He's an adult who knows right from wrong therefore you can't raise him, nor can you change him.

It's time to raise the bar, and live peacefully.  Keep in mind that life is short, it's time to live.

 

[smackie9]

It's OK to move on and be happy. Be strong!