ADHD and low self worth

[Carnatic]

First, a disclaimer. I'm not currently diagnosed with ADHD though I have an assessment coming up after a psychiatrist following a screening appointment felt it was likely I would be diagnosed (I was also screened for ASD but that was seen as unlikely and I wasn't put forward for assessment). I wouldn't normally make a post like this, I don't want to come across like I'm trying to self-diagnose or give myself permission to keep failing in life. I've been struggling with low self worth my entire life which has affected my ability to form relationships and to look after my own mental health, and have been through therapy many times for depression, anxiety and PTSD with no significant change to my overall mood and while the screening focussed on more practical things such as my organisation skills (or lack of), I'd heard more and more about how ADHD could be the cause of low self-worth and looked into it a bit.

Probably the main thing contributing to my self worth was feeling judged constantly going right back to school (in fact, especially when I was a child) as I would struggle with certain things; paying attention, following instructions (accurately), following step-by-step procedures, organising my time, punctuality, procrastination etc. I felt I was trying really hard, really giving people all the attention I could, trying to keep my mind on track, trying to remember what it was I was supposed to be doing and doing things in the way that I was supposed to do them instead of running short on time and forgetting about the procedures I was supposed to be following as I rushed to complete at the end. These sort of difficulties have followed me into my working life and made it difficult for me to hold down a job. I'm currently self-employed, which is also difficult but at least nobody is judging me on how I work.

As a child, my shortcomings were constantly put down to moral failings. I was seen as aloof, self-absorbed, arrogant and generally my lack of attention, letting down others in group work and disregarding instructions was seen as a sign that I thought I was better than everyone else and that my way was better than anyone else's. This judgement always really hurt as I believed myself to be a kind and attentive friend, yet how could I be right when everyone else, including almost all grown-ups saw me as pretty much the opposite to how I saw myself. I grew up feeling that I couldn't be trusted to know myself, or love myself, that I was failing spectacularly to be the person I wanted to be. As an adult I still have this feeling of a broken self-image, that I don't know myself, that my own feelings of who I am are lies I've told myself. I fear that I might even be a narcissist who has an inflated sense of self worth because the way I see myself deep down clearly isn't the way I actually am. I try really hard to be attentive to the point of people-pleasing.

I'm not really looking for advice as such, my assessment is in December and we'll see where things go from there and if there is any way my sense of self can be salvaged, but I wondered if these words rang true for anyone else.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're struggling.  I remember so clearly mean and thoughtless comments that were said to me starting when I was as young as 7 or 8 all the way to the present actually.  But obviously as a child we have fewer tools as to how to react and what to do.  One of the "mean girls" posted on FB a couple of years ago how her teenage daughter was being bullied and how she'd never have been mean to anyone.  (!!).  Those experiences certainly hurt my feelings and feelings of self worth at times.  It does make the accomplishments I've experienced -that I worked very hard for -all of them - even sweeter as in "see -you all were wrong!!"   I know that's not particularly healthy just sharing how I felt.

I hope the assessment is helpful and if it turns out you do not have a diagnosis I'd recommend therapy for the issues you described.   I hope you feel better.  

[Seraphim]

My husband was recently diagnosed with severe ADHD at 54. We knew he did all his life but now confirmed by a psychiatrist . He also has GAD and OCD. He was always put down by his family from toddlerhood on down and by many others . It caused suicidal ideation in his life several times . What did help him has been medication for ADHD. He has therapy many many many times but treatment of his anxiety AND ADHD plus therapy has made such a difference that it is utterly amazing. He has rocketed out of the gate with new found confidence and belief in himself . 
 

I hope you find what works for you . 

[Carnatic]

Thanks... I just hope I can see myself in a better light.

I always felt that my many moral failings... 'lazy, inconsiderate, aloof, self-absorbed, superior' were unfair... that I wasn't those things even though everyone seemed to believe I was. But it's difficult when everyone thinks that of you. You start to wonder if maybe you're the one that's wrong, that you feel like you're trying your hardest but clearly everyone else tries even harder. I wanted to believe that I was doing my best but as I got older just started to feel that I mustn't be, I must be lying to myself if I believe that I am. I started to feel that 'bad people' must also be misunderstood and started to empathise more with villains and monsters, thinking that well if I'm a bad person from other's perspective but feel different myself the same must be true of others.

sigh.

It's been a long road.