She breaks NC after 3 1/2 months! I need your opinions.

[alphonsefa]

Still confused as to why she "just wanted to see how I was doing". Damn I feel like I got knocked back a few more steps again. I had pretty much written this woman off. Why these constant games?! Sorry, just on a rant, the whole thing frustrates me so much. She has brought things to a point where it makes it damn near impossible for me to initiate any kind of contact with her because I feel it would be taken for granted, as I think I have in much of our relationship. I don't want to play these petty games with her, but I don't want her limping back half heartedly either. Confused as to how to lay it on the line for her. I played it too cool when she called, kept the conversation strictly on work. I should've flat out asked as soon as I heard her voice, "why are you calling me"? How do I begin to lay the groundwork to give this thing one last try? This last breakup was the longest we've gone without contacting each other. I honestly thought she had written me off a long time ago; I was more than stunned when she called. How do I play this guys and gals? I've never chased her during this entire relationship. When she said she wanted to be alone, I let her be alone. Do I call? What do I say? Do I sit on my hands and wait for her to call me? Don't know which way to go on this one. Advice much appreciated!

[danimal77]

Al,

 

You can call, but that time is NOT NOW, okay? Good! You wait...You let her see you waiting. You let her realize that you won't jump at the first oppostunity. YOu have to recondition her and how she treats you and what she expects you to do. DO NOT be your predictable self...

 

YOU habe come a long way in these last 2 months and don't see this as a set back, because it is not, She can't take away your progress with one single phone call. NO ONE has that much control over your thoughts.. Don't allow it to happen...

 

For now, sit back and continue to live your life. If you want to call her, the DO IT, with NO expectations and asking NOTHING of her. Don't talk about feelings (yours or hers). Be nice, friendly and go in and get out and leave it at that for 2 weeks)...

 

BUT, don't call her yet. Sit this one out for a couple of weeks. You will get a more positive reaction from her if you do. She's expecting you to call right away and that is exactly why you shouldn't.

 

YOu know me. I speak from experience.

 

Good Luck,

 

Danimal

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Alf has she just called once?

Wait three times before you contact her. Give up if she calls less than three times.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

The post above is absolutelty correct. However, since it has already been three months you almost need to just let go completely since you have been healing for this long already. Dont talk to her until you are feeling wonderful about yourself and don't do anything to add to the conversation. It feels like game playing but let me ask, what does she deserve of you to hear of your feelings?

[danimal77]

No, don't wait 3 times...That's childish...She put in an effort. You are under no obligation to respond right away, or at all for that matter, BUT, don't expect her to make the same effort again, let alone 2 more times. It is entirely up to you if you want to reciprocate, on your terms, in your own time...

 

The rest of my advice this stands..

 

Danimal

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Animal it isn't about being childish. Childish is when emotionals are attached. This is called tact. She put in the effort to call "one" time after he was the one to do far more for her than she did for him in the past. If you want somebody who has taken you for granted in the past to have the perfect oppourtunity to see how important you are, you have to show them how important you are to yourself. If she calls you once, maybe, twice probably, three times wow she is serious, okay I'll give her the oppurtunity to take up a little of my time although not a lot.

If you want to talk to her now do not -- i REPEAT, do not talk to long to her on the phone, take about five days to get back to her and see how she is doing without talking about your feelings and showing jealousy. Than get back to me

[Royltnxile]

Dan, Al, Napoleon,

 

Your stories are very similar to my own. I am in the same situation and could use your advice as well.

 

Here is my story for the background:

 

We had been dating for a month and I waited before getting her into bed...because I wanted to do it "right". Anyway, that first night, before we had sex she dumps this revelation on me:

 

"Jon, I am so scared...I like you so much...and I don't want to do anything to f@ck this up...now we are going to start sleeping together and I'm just scared that I'll end up f@cking this up and I dont want to....I've f@cked up every relationship I've ever had, I've never been faithful to anyone I've been with, I have commitment issues, a wandering eye, and a huge jealous streak...I want so badly not to f@ck this up with you because I like you so much."

 

I didnt know how to take this at the time, so I just said "then let's not f@ck it up"...so we agreed that we really liked each other and would continue. I didnt know anything about stuff like commitment phobia and fear of intimacy at the time..nothing at all. So I thought that I was bigger than her issues and she just had never had a great guy like me in her life (some truth to that too). But our relationship blossomed and was getting better and better right up until the end. It wasn't until after she pushed me away the whole "CP" thing started to become apparent to me. It was almost as though she had a "self fulfilling prophecy" about things. She knew that despite how much she cared about me, she was going to "f@ck it up". I don't understand these people. However, this revelation above has done alot to make me keep my sanity and explain her strange behavior.

 

Anyway, here's my summary in a nutshell. Tell me your thoughts.

 

4 months nearly perfect blissful dating, getting better and better, moving towards intimacy.

 

Ex gets scared, freaks out, probably cheated on me,(not 100% for sure, yet likely given her past history and her issues), and pushes me away on Valentines Day of all days! Did it to me over the phone too..at work.

(She has lots of self issues ...low self esteem,insecurity,jealousy, intimacy fears,commitment issues)

 

She called me again Valentines Day night...I waited a full week to return that call.

 

We talked about how good we were together but she was insistent on not wanting a relationship and how she was better off alone...etc..etc...all about her....she praised me up one side, down the other.

 

I didnt beg, plead, grovel, or chase her to try and come back. Vowed not to call her. Told her I understand that she has issues, told her not to write me off because someday she might want someone special in her life.

 

5 days later she's calling me and not leaving messages like 4 out of 5 nights (so she wasnt with anyone)....I'm remaining distant and blowing her off basically. Talked briefly one of those nights, nothing heavy. Wanting to make myself unavailable, mystery, challenge..etc..etc.

 

Her birthday comes a few days later...I send her a book with some nice sentiment written in it...and a small bouqet of flowers...she wanted to come to the bar where I worked that night just to say Hi. I let her know it wasnt a good idea...would have been very awkward. I got the feeling she wanted to save face among my friends because she expressed concern over how my friends would view her after what she did to me. This weirded me out because when you crap all over someone, the last thing you would expect was to remain friends with the people you knew only through your other. I think she was naive enough to think that I was going to keep her involved in my life, and my friends, and she apparently thought that the only that had changed was that we weren't dating and sleeping together anymore.

 

Talked 2 more times later in that week...I think she was having 2nd thoughts but she never came out and said that...and I wasn't going to ask or push her in anyway by talking about "us". She told me she would call me "later in the week" after I told her I wouldn't mind seeing her. At that point I was all for a face to face meeting to get my feelings out to her.

 

It was at this point I started reading stuff about "no contact" and commitment phobia, and really started digging into her behavior and psyche. Believe me, I probably qualify for a degree in psychology after the past few months!

 

She called me 2 weeks later....both phones, no messages...

Then again the same thing the next weekend......this was late March.

 

Sent her a card with a heartfelt note in it first week of April....nothing really sappy but definitely very deep...just had to get some of my feelings out there. Again, not begging her to call me or to get back with me. Basically let her know that I'm here for her and that I care..blah blah blah..and definitely would have given her the impression that I was open to future possibilities. It was a great note! NO RESPONSE, probably pushed her farther away (she has emotional issues, remember?)

 

April passes...I send her a card for Jewish holiday Passover...NO RESPONSE

 

Got some blocked calls on my cell phone in April and early May though..weird.

 

Anyway....I then vowed no more cards or anything and started concentrating on getting past her, so I gradually got pissed at her and started to obsess less and less. Vowed absolute NO CONTACT.

 

So it's been a month of NO CONTACT...no cards, emails, phone..etc..etc....

 

She runs into friends of mine out Friday night....they talk me up, but don't reveal too much about what I've been doing.

 

SHE CALLED ME TWICE THIS PAST SUNDAY ON MY HOME AND CELL PHONES.....NO MESSAGES AGAIN! So it just goes to show that you have to have patience and let time work it's magic. Perhaps she is missing me and wants to reestablish contact, For what reason? I have no idea. I'd like to think she is finally getting around to realizing how stupid her actions were and she feels guilty and remorseful about pushing a good man away. Everything with us was positive and she really doesn't have any "bad" memories of me, so I'm optimistic.

 

Anyway, do I want her back? Not really sure on that one at this point. I want the OPTION of having her back, I do know that, and I'm elated that SHE was the one who picked up that phone and attempted to contact ME, rather than the other way around. We'll see what happens next on this.... I will not call her until she leaves a message or calls me a couple of more times without leaving messages. If she's curious about what I'm up to, then let her get all the more curious the more she doesnt hear from me. I want her wondering how I'm doing and wondering if she still has me "on the hook". This stuff really does work, provided the other person desires the contact and still has feelings. If your relationship have run it's course, of it was a case of a really nasty break up, abuse, infidelity..etc..etc....then NC isn't going to do jack to get your ex back. But you must use it to heal in that case too.

So that's my story. Does it relate to your guys'?

[alphonsefa]

Thanks Dan, thanks Napoleon,

 

I see both points of view. I agree with both of you to just sit on my hands for now and see how it plays out. I'm of the mindset that I've been the one that has bent over backwards to try and make this thing work. For whatever reason, whether it be her abuse issues of the past, her depression issues, or her hang up on a dirt ball that caused her life nothing but turmoil. I know I can't save her, and the fact that she so easily casts me and him off for that matter, scares the hell out of me. She would pick up and put down the dirt ball that abused her at will, so this was not a behavior that was exclusive to me. It is a behavior she seems to repaeat with whoever she is with. I guess it hurts a little more when you've done nothing but show kindness to somebody and they mistake it for weakness. Never have I shown her a weak side of me, never have I groveled to her, never have I asked her back, never have I cried for her, and never have I let her know just how much she really hurt me through all of this.

 

Napoleon, I agree, one phone call doesn't cut it; I'll take 2 as a reasonable attempt to open the lines of communication. Dan, you are absolutely right! I know I have to flip her mindset if there is ever even a remote possibility of this thing ever starting to get back on track. I hope I have done a little of that by disappearing from her life for 3 1/2 months. I've never had anyone I've parted with in a relationship, wait such a long period of time to re-initiate contact.

 

I don't really feel it's my place to call after the one petty phone call she made. I figure if she thinks I'm worth it she will work for it, and will persist in calling again and maybe pushing things forward. I also don't want to get into that trap of if she calls, of not eventually laying the cards on the table. Otherwise it really just lets her off the hook and allows her to keep one foot out the door. I don't want someone who always has one foot out the door. I want someone that wants me as much as I want them. I'm not a doormat, I've never been; and that is what frustrates me most about this relationship. Even though I've shown great strength throughout, she actually tried to paint me as needy, which I took great offense to and blatantly pointed out to her. Thanks for the advice guys, please keep it coming, it's one of the things that really helps me out. I know Dan and I ahve very similar situations, so it is a great help to hear his perspective. Napoleon

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

When either or both of you guys choose to talk to these girls I think it's important to remember a few things.

1. Talk about BS. Don't mention how you feel about her, keep her wondering.

2. Don't ever say I love you until you are sure she feels the same about you.

3. NEVER EVER let her end the phone call. Leave her wanting more. Don't talk for hours. It might seem like a good thing but after you have made the emotional connection it isn't until you have her.

Remember what I said above, you be the one to talk a little while, not about yourself and leave her wanting more and wondering if you still care.

4. always wait a few days before returning a call.

5. I am not sure getting involved with these two is a good idea anyway but it is up to you. Regardless, it is up to you to change the dynamics. If they just wanna be friends, you BE the one to make them a friend.

Remember, you can't let chicks with any self esteem have to much power at first or they walk all over you. Making them love you is a defense.

[fantasia2004]

I am here to tell you that it is alright to still have feelings for someone.

Like your ex that is.

I ask you this though. Do you really want to keep opening wounds that can be brutal to your ego?

 

By what I mean is, you know that your ex is a confused and emotional women.

Why allow yourself to suffer the fate of hurting yourself by going back to a woman who does not know what she want?

 

Please alph, I have been there and done that. Until I finally drove myex to insanity and he stood his ground and treated me like a doormat. Something I must learn how to get over.

 

I am sorry that I have put myself in that predicament. Please do not suffer the same fate. Regain your dignity and self respect and move on with someone who can really appreciate you for who you are.

fantasia