How should one handle the other's sexuality outside of the relationship?

[Jaunty]

@hannarivers - you have mentioned that you need to "deprogram" yourself, and you are "liking" some comments that are telling you that you need to stop all of this.  Yet, in your posts, you continue to justify, explain and attempt to normalize your actions.

 

[hannarivers]

2 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

@hannarivers - you have mentioned that you need to "deprogram" yourself, and you are "liking" some comments that are telling you that you need to stop all of this.  Yet, in your posts, you continue to justify, explain and attempt to normalize your actions.

 

Because I am the kind of person who needs step by step instructions. I have OCD and my brain doesnt let me process anything until it is 10000+1 percent clear. And yes, Ive seen doctors with that. 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I would ask myself why. Because if I see a hot guy doing some sexual stuff, and I dont think much into it, I dont get turned on. I would not understand why he thinks of it like that, why cant he just see it as a normal thing and not a turnon. He also told me once that he has to merge into the thought to get excited. Like, if I walk in front of him naked, and he just looks and doesnt pay attention, nothing happens. But if he goes with the flow, he will get an up. So my point was, why cant he just look at these mixes and think like "ok, woman" instead of getting into it. Masturbation to others is not a must. You wont feel depressed if you dont masturbate to content.  

 

Like what? Because after I got traumatized by the lying and got deadly insecure by his porn use, all he did was stop ncore and hub. Ive never been insecure before this happened. I felt alive in my skin, loved my body. But I realized that sex once a week or twice in ten days for a young couple was not the best, even more because he used porn still, instead of pursuing me, or sometimes he even told me he was tired to have sex and rejected me. Now he only rejects me if he cant even stay awake. He pursues me all the time. He touches me like all that exists is me. You see why I am concerned? I understand he turned into a better man, and we change as we grow older and learn from mistakes. Even though I know he learned, I still fear for my position. 

These are all your subjective personal opinions and standards.  Yours. That you are trying to impose on another individual person -him.  Would you like if he told you to give up your favorite treat -whether it's dark chocolate, a cappucino, an occasional glass of wine, going to a beach or nature preserve for a day or two by yourself, taking a hot yoga class.  You'd say "because it brings me pleasure." What if he said "You might get moody without [insert your favorite treat/activity] in general. Your life wont be less fun or worse quality by missing out on [insert your favorite treat/activity]."

He enjoys masturbating. He enjoys seeing a naked woman and then thinking about her body and getting turned on, then pleasuring himself.  He doesn't wish to control his thoughts/restrain himself because if he's in a situation where he can have the private time to pleasure himself he wants to.  I'm sure he restrains himself as needed like at work or if he's out to dinner and some hot waitress walks by while you're telling him about how you cannot wait to make another video with him cause you "fear for your position."  But why should he in his private time?

I LOVE sitting and sipping my morning coffee I made for myself from my favorite tumbler early morning by myself. If someone told me caffeine is bad for you/you will get over your desire for coffee and oh well you'll be a little moody/ but in general your life won't be less fun or worse quality by missing out on morning coffee"

I would tell that person to mind his own business.  I would -and I have- foregone my morning coffee when we travel and getting it in the morning would be inconvenient/wake up my family, I have done so if my family needs me urgently but if it's not urgent and if whatever can wait I am going to do what gives me that pleasure for the 30 minutes or so I enjoy my amazing coffee and breakfast all by myself. 

I don't need the Thought Police questioning why I insist on pleasuring myself that way even if at times it means I'm not available to respond to a work email or call, or take care of some school form till later.  I really hope you get the point of how unhealthy your interactions are with this person you claim to love.

[MissCanuck]

36 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

You wont feel depressed if you dont masturbate to content. You might get moody without sex and orgasm in general. Your life wont be less fun or worse quality by missing out on naked virtual people. 

Why do you presume to speak for anyone but yourself? 

[hannarivers]

30 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Why do you presume to speak for anyone but yourself? 

Im sorry but are you saying that masturbating to people is a must? A need? There is no life wirhout it? I spend a lot of money on coffee and still it is possible to life without it. I like it, but if I had to stop, I could. It is not a life threatening thing to stop drinking coffee. Dont confuse wants with needs. You dont need coffee, you want coffee. What you need is sleep, food, water, sex for reproduction. Nothing else. Anything outside those things are wants. I want coffee. I want plants. I want a new skirt. So no, it is a fact, you dont have to masturbate to women, you want to, so you choose to. To answer the question if I would give up things for others, I would. If it hurts him that I spend so much on plants, I can stop or compromise. Our compromise was homemade videos every single time he asks for new ones, without any complaint from me.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

 I got traumatized by the lying and got deadly insecure by his porn use, all he did was stop ncore and hub. 

Was he addicted to porn? Making your own porn won't help that. 

[hannarivers]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Was he addicted to porn? Making your own porn won't help that. 

Addiction is a tricky word. I can only sleep with my teddy bear. I can only do the big thing on the toilet if I have my phone. He could only masturbate with porn. Doesnt mean he did it every day. Just that every time he did it, he used it. To answer this question, if addiction means my teddy bear and my phone, yes, he was also addicted. If we take addiction to the level where you skip your must do stuff for the drug, he was not. Maybe he was before me, but as far as I know, probably every third day he did it. Is it addiction? I dont know. Before me, there were days he did it continously. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

 all he did was stop ncore and hub. 

Why was he on these sites? 

[hannarivers]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why was he on these sites? 

For porn? Ncore is the biggest porn downloading site in my country, and phub also

[itsallgrand]

I came across this today and it immediately made me think of this thread. You ARE hurting him trying to make him comply in your attempt to not get hurt again. 

"You can't create chaos in the lives of others and expect peace to come to yours. 

No matter what they did or how you feel, causing hurt to others will never bring healing to you." - Morgan Richard Olivier

[Batya33]

55 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

Im sorry but are you saying that masturbating to people is a must? A need? There is no life wirhout it? I spend a lot of money on coffee and still it is possible to life without it. I like it, but if I had to stop, I could. It is not a life threatening thing to stop drinking coffee. Dont confuse wants with needs. You dont need coffee, you want coffee. What you need is sleep, food, water, sex for reproduction. Nothing else. Anything outside those things are wants. I want coffee. I want plants. I want a new skirt. So no, it is a fact, you dont have to masturbate to women, you want to, so you choose to. To answer the question if I would give up things for others, I would. If it hurts him that I spend so much on plants, I can stop or compromise. Our compromise was homemade videos every single time he asks for new ones, without any complaint from me.

I wouldn't ever stop drinking my coffee because my spouse told me I had to without an urgent reason -like it made him very sick, I was pregnant (no I didn't drink coffee when I was pregnant) or if there was some similar emergency.  Hopefully we wouldn't have married -people who would say such a thing for the reasons you write above typically begin down that path during dating.  Thank goodness. We're entitled to our wants, our pleasures (with exceptions of course -we don't do stuff that is abusive to someone else, etc) and yes marriage is compromise but not based on some bizarre because I said so/my way or the highway.  It's not a parent-young child relationship. 

My marriage vows did not include "I give up all except my basic needs on your say so"

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

For porn? Ncore is the biggest porn downloading site in my country, and phub also

Is he selling your videos to these apps?

[hannarivers]

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is he selling your videos to these apps?

What the hell, no?! Why would anyone do that, especially if they are a good person?! Never said that he is bad. He is one of the most caring and kind people I know, he helps others, not bring them down like this 

 

[Jaunty]

5 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

What the hell, no?! Why would anyone do that, especially if they are a good person?! Never said that he is bad. He is one of the most caring and kind people I know, he helps others, not bring them down like this 

 

He may be building up a monumental store of anger and resentment towards you.  I certainly would be if I were in his situation.  

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, hannarivers said:

Im sorry but are you saying that masturbating to people is a must? A need? There is no life wirhout it? I

Nope, that is not what I’m saying. I think you’re intelligent enough to know that, too. 

However, your arguments are going in circles and I’m not interested  in engaging in pointless, pedantic  debates.

Beat of luck with this relationship. You’re going to need it. 

[hannarivers]

9 hours ago, Jaunty said:

He may be building up a monumental store of anger and resentment towards you.  I certainly would be if I were in his situation.  

What about my resentment? I have built up a new picture of him the past 7 months. I became trustful again, that he doesnt care about anyone but me sexually, and the porn menace is finally over. I am happy he was at least honest and he kept his word about not lying to me, but still hearing "yeah, I did watch the video, I did get in the mood". When we started again, I told him he can take his time and move with small steps instead of cutting it off completely. He said no, it is not a big deal for him. Then why watch a meaningless video if he knows he will get excited. 7 months down the drain, now I am the one AGAIN who has to build up trust 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

What about my resentment? I have built up a new picture of him the past 7 months. I became trustful again, that he doesnt care about anyone but me sexually, and the porn menace is finally over. I am happy he was at least honest and he kept his word about not lying to me, but still hearing "yeah, I did watch the video, I did get in the mood". When we started again, I told him he can take his time and move with small steps instead of cutting it off completely. He said no, it is not a big deal for him. Then why watch a meaningless video if he knows he will get excited. 7 months down the drain, now I am the one AGAIN who has to build up trust 

If that is how you feel -reread as needed what you wrote above and know that you don't trust him enough in this area that is so essential to you -and obviously believing your partner is faithful and loyal is a must -and with your standards you don't trust him.  As long as you have your standards and your need to have this level of control and you feel this way right now -resentful and like you have to build up trust based on the video -step aside and let both of you find better matches.  It will eat at you in your current mindset and with your current beliefs and perspectives. Then seek therapy -individually to work on whether your mindset and perspective jibe with who you really want to be and want to be when you interact with and relate to others.  

Good luck.

[hannarivers]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If that is how you feel -reread as needed what you wrote above and know that you don't trust him enough in this area that is so essential to you -and obviously believing your partner is faithful and loyal is a must -and with your standards you don't trust him.  As long as you have your standards and your need to have this level of control and you feel this way right now -resentful and like you have to build up trust based on the video -step aside and let both of you find better matches.  It will eat at you in your current mindset and with your current beliefs and perspectives. Then seek therapy -individually to work on whether your mindset and perspective jibe with who you really want to be and want to be when you interact with and relate to others.  

Good luck.

As you wrote it, and I read it, it sounds stupid, I meant my situation. To be honest, reading back all of the comments, I dont even know what my exact problem is. I feel like a person can enjoy a racy video, on the other hand, I think of it like this : if you keep looking at BMWs, you will get disappointed with your 20 year old Suzuki. I feel like you can have it, but also, it makes you realize your partner's flaws. I remember my female friend went on a vacation with her bf and 5 other guys (family). All of them were well built, except her bf. She didnt even realize her bf had a bit of tummy fat until that vacation. She didnt mention, didnt shame or anything, jut told me she didnt even see it before. I think I am scared of being less because of these virtual people. If literally nothing bad could come out of it, I would care less. I dont want him to feel like "Oh, these girls have abs and no cellulite, my gf is not the same... Idk about it, I love her and wouldnt exchange her, but I see it".  

[Wiseman2]

Why not focus on your own physical and mental health more? You stated you suffer from OCD and anxiety. Perhaps try healing from within instead of lashing out at everyone.

[boltnrun]

So because you're insecure and feel inadequate your solution is to police, interrogate and attempt to control your boyfriend.

This will not end well, but it likely WILL end. Not because you have cellulite but because you insist on trying to control him. 

[Jaunty]

The bottom line is simple:  you cannot gain what you are looking for by enacting controls on your partner.

You're like the spouse of an alcoholic who tries to curb the partner's drinking by destroying bottles of booze, tracking them to prevent them from going to bars, giving them breathalyzer tests when they come in, threatening to leave, etc.  It doesn't work. 

If you *think* it's working, you're wrong.  The guy is placating you because it's the only way to exist with you.  Simply put:  a person does not change their behavior because of controls enacted by another.

You might want to look into dealing with codependent issues.  

Some of the things you fear are based in truth.  There are a lot of men who have become insensitive to PIV sex because they've become completely conditioned, sexually, to being visually stimulated by porn and physically accustomed  to the way they pleasure themselves through masturbation.  These guys have problems with intimacy and sex with others.

If a man has these issues, they will need to SEEK HELP with them.  Having their sexuality controlled by their partner is not the way.

 

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, hannarivers said:

 I am scared of being less because of these virtual people. If literally nothing bad could come out of it, I would care less. I dont want him to feel like "Oh, these girls have abs and no cellulite, my gf is not the same... Idk about it, I love her and wouldnt exchange her, but I see it".  

Then you need to seek help with your self image, self esteem, jealousy, etc.  THAT is where your energy should be placed.  NOT on preventing your partner from seeing other women.

Your analogy with cars is odd.  You do realize that every human on earth, unless they are under complete restriction and control like some women in certain religious sects - and your goals for your boyfriend - are exposed to viewing nice cars and beautiful people.  Healthy ones who WANT to have good lives manage not to let these sightings rule them.  

[rainbowsandroses]

5 hours ago, hannarivers said:

I feel like a person can enjoy a racy video, on the other hand, I think of it like this : if you keep looking at BMWs, you will get disappointed with your 20 year old Suzuki. I feel like you can have it, but also, it makes you realize your partner's flaws.

Whats in bold is what porn addiction can do which is what I posted previously about allowing porn to negatively impact one's relationship.  To the extent they're comparing their gf/bf to a porn star, not able to appreciate and love their partner and essentially preferring the fantasy of an actress/actor on a screen to their real life partner. 

Is this what's happening?  Does your bf compare you to these porn stars, find flaws with you, and criticize you and your physical appearance?

Is he unable to have functional sex with you?  Get an erection while having sex with you, and orgasm?

Please answer these questions honestly. 

I didnt get that impression from what you posted but perhaps I missed it.  Please clarify.

I think you need to get clear with yourself about what's actually happening in your relationship versus what you're imagining is happening (or might happen) based on FEAR, insecurity and anxiety.  Along with  your biased feelings about watching porn and mastutbating in general.

His behavior from what you've shared does NOT rise to the level of obsession or even importance you've given it. 

You are what's standing in the way of having a happy, mutually rewarding (mentally, emotionally, physically) relationship.

NOT him watching a porn video once every two weeks or getting a random erection from seeing an attractive woman other than you. 

You. 

And I hope someday you're able to realize and understand this before you drive the men you claim to love away with your unhealthy thought process, fears, insecurity and controlling tendencies, including your current bf.

All the best. 

 

 

 

[hannarivers]

36 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Does your bf compare you to these porn stars, find flaws with you, and criticize you and your physical appearance?

He never once told me anything bad about my body. 

 

37 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

he unable to have functional sex with you?  Get an erection while having sex with you, and orgasm?

In the past, there were times when he could not finish, saying that he is too tired. Or when he rejected me, again, tired. That time we only had sex like twice a week, or every maybe once. To be precise, around 7 times a month went to 12-20 times a month. It could be more than just his past porn use. Since I became aware of the porn thing, I also became more aware of my own body. I have learnt how I can take control so he doesnt carry the full act, how I can be more visually pleasing, and I also allow myself to have him pleasure me. I dont know that if it was just the porn that made him less pursuable and more "cant finish", then how could he change so fast. Im sure I wasnt as visually pleasing as porn, but now that I am, and I take effort in looking good during sex, alllwing myself to enjoy, he never seems to give up Just bc he is tired. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, hannarivers said:

feel like you can have it, but also, it makes you realize your partner's flaws.

But that's assuming these are flaws? By whose standard? Do you really think that is how your bf judges whether you or someone is "flawed" by comparing to someone who is a model or sex worker? That is just.... sad.  I am not large breasted, have a c-section scar and a little poochy there from childbirth (but never had perfectly flat abs and I am likely underweight), I have wrinkles and I am short.  I do not think of myself as flawed physically. For about 5 months after birth I needed to lose the rest of the baby weight so I wasn't entirely slim.  I wasn't flawed.

My husband is short and could lose a few pounds and I don't think of him as flawed nor would I ever compare him to the men I see with 6 pack abs/tall/muscular and think of him as less than or flawed.  When I see handsome men who are fit I notice them, might find them attractive and no it doesn't make me focus on my husband's body.  That's ..... ridiculous. IMHO.