How should one handle the other's sexuality outside of the relationship?

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

 going out of his way to not just listen to remixes and rather choosing to enjoy those naked modells on a huge tv is diff.

Are you angry at him for this? He seems to find ways around your "rules". So unfortunately you being his private porn star doesn't seem to be working too well as far as controlling who he finds attractive. 

[Batya33]

So wait you don’t respect women who sell their bodies but then you say they were forced into sex work ? I point this out because you are twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to rationalize how you’re trying to control him. And how shall you police what he searches for online ?

[rainbowsandroses]

30 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

Oh god. Also never said that either. 

You don't have to actually 'say' something for that something to be implied and your comment below certainly implies the hypocrisy and double standard.  Imo.

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

I can watch a healthier version of porn. It just strengthens the attraction for my partner, doesnt take away anything

Again, apparently the version you watch and enjoy is okay and strengthens your relationship but the version HE likes and enjoys, a harder version is not. 

Reading your own comment as an objective observer, wouldn't you agree it sounds like you're imposing a double standard? 

I mean porn is porn no matter how you slice and dice. 

The fact you star in the "porn" you and he film together, the two of you, is a completely different topic. 

[Jaunty]

6 hours ago, hannarivers said:

My bad feelings are about women who act like pornstars, are pornstars, and are on the screen.

??? Then WHY ON EARTH are you making porno videos?   At least live up to the standards you are trying to force upon this poor fellow.

[Jaunty]

6 hours ago, hannarivers said:

 

No. I casually ask him how his day went, he tells me he did some stuff. Last time I told him that its funny how he could get in the mood in the morning when he is sick and also he is not even awake for like an hour after the phone rings, just because he prefers action much later. I saw the music vids on our shared computer and asked if those "modells" were the inspiration. 

Nothing casual, healthy or even borderline "normal" about that conversation.

6 hours ago, hannarivers said:

I am not the jealous to your surprise. Not for real people. I dont care if he looks at someone on the street, guess he doest get horny by a fully clothed woman and get to work on the street. 

I wonder how you'll feel about this when he is actually dating a "real" person and enjoying a sexual relationship with her?  

[MissCanuck]

This thread is something else. 

Hanna, you two will not last the way you are going.  There are so many problems with this relationship that you are desperately trying to minimize and avoid really dealing with. 

Your approach to this specific problem ain't working, darlin'. 

[bluecastle]

14 hours ago, hannarivers said:

One is that my partner is perfect for me in every other ways.

Imagine I tell you that a restaurant is perfect for me in so many ways: I love the interior, the crowd, the location, and the moment I eat any dish? It’s so delicious!

Alas, an hour after I eat at the restaurant I get sick, very sick, always. And what started out as a manageable stomach ache is now something of a permanent condition, wreaking havoc on my insides, leading me to consult doctors, and increasingly being mean and cruel to the chef and staff.

Would you tell me the restaurant and I are compatible? Or not?

Being frank, echoing others, and repeating myself from past posts, I think your issue here comes down to some very profound internal insecurities that I hope you can address and grow out of as you mature. That said, part of maturing isn’t cutting insecurities out like cancer so much as choosing partners who don’t enflame them. If for you that means someone who does not look at porn, fine. But the policing and controlling is super concerning and if you can’t see that I really hope your boyfriend does soon.

He is being treated like a criminal simply for being a human being. 

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, hannarivers said:

it is healthy because it was consentual, it is healthy because the woman (me) also enjoyed it

Well no not really -you made this to alleviate your anxiety and as another attempt to control what he sees/watches  You only enjoy it if it solves your "problem".  You wouldn't have wanted to make a video were it not for your issues.  And it's so crucial to you to control what he watches that you're wiling to risk your "healthier version" of porn being viewed by whoever has access to the internet.  

[hannarivers]

52 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

you're wiling to risk your "healthier version" of porn being viewed by whoever has access to the internet.  

Its not on the internet. If someone doesnt come to my house and steal the pendrive, its is impossible to find. There is healthier version of porn, Idk what anyone says about that. You can find costly sites where the producers are women, they choose what is best for the actresses, they have breaks, they have a word in what they are comfy with. It doesnt morph your mind into thinking that the male vision porn is the norm for sex, because those women show what they do actually enjoy. I went for that kind, and it is realistic, so it is healthier. I wont argue on this. 

 

1 hour ago, bluecastle said:

He is being treated like a criminal simply for being a human being. 

I dont know any other way to word my problem. My problem is not being turned on, or finding people attractive. Rather the fact that I dont know what is healthy and what is too much, like obsession. Another example: I loved korean boybands when I was a teen. My friend too. I listened to their music and watched shows about them. Sounds ok. But my friend covered all of her walls in posters, she wrote sexual stories about them, she watched deepfake videos about them. This is too much, right? If I knew what was healthy, I would not care. I dont now if it is an obsession if a guy watches a music video because a hot woman in it, then he gets turned on and does the deed. If it is healthy? Okay, I will deal with it. I only consider breaking up if he is some obsessed boy who likes women in a unhealthy way

[boltnrun]

You said you are even upset about him watching regular movies or music videos because there might be an actress he finds attractive who might inspire him to masturbate later on. So no, it isn't just when he deliberately seeks out porn.  It's any woman in any form of media that you find threatening and who you feel insecure about.

So you're not on some anti-porn, women's rights crusade or something. It's about fearing your boyfriend might find someone other than you sexually arousing. Even though he has zero intention to cheat or pursue any of those women.

[Batya33]

Don’t kid yourself that your porn video can’t be shared. Heard of  it countless times by accident or intentionally. With one click. He can also make and share copies after you break up. Or someone else can. One click and done. 

[hannarivers]

21 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You said you are even upset about him watching regular movies or music videos because there might be an actress he finds attractive who might inspire him to masturbate later on. So no, it isn't just when he deliberately seeks out porn.  It's any woman in any form of media that you find threatening and who you feel insecure about.

So you're not on some anti-porn, women's rights crusade or something. It's about fearing your boyfriend might find someone other than you sexually arousing. Even though he has zero intention to cheat or pursue any of those women.

Nope. I said that if he can get turned on by such a merely little thing like this, we cant even watch a movie without him getting an erection. Never said I wont. Just a tought that if this happens, then that happens too.

 

17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He can also make and share copies after you break up

Trust in him I have. Kinda my choice. You told me that you dont trust your husband that he wont forget things, but you trust him other ways. I dont trust mine with sexuality, I trust him in every other ways. 

[bluecastle]

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

Rather the fact that I dont know what is healthy and what is too much, like obsession.

There is no solid answer to this. 

One person drinks a whiskey every night after dinner and doesn’t see that as “too much.” Another does. Some think sex outside of marriage is “too much,” while others don’t. Ditto porn, masturbation. In short, we all get to set our own values. 

I think you’re reluctant to really call this a personal value because on some level you know it’s not. The issue is you want him fixated on you, you only, and any deviation on that makes you feel incredibly insecure, in your skin and alongside him, and out of control. 

[Wiseman2]

44 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

 I dont trust mine with sexuality. 

Unfortunately you seem to harbor resentment and insecurities about being cheated on in the past.

Your BF is seems to just amuse and pacify you but clearly finds others attractive and arousing. He's also finding ways around your policing through racy videos, etc.

You've created a real forbidden fruit scenario making just about every other woman real or on screen more appealing than you. That's the sad irony of this police state.

[hannarivers]

1 hour ago, bluecastle said:

There is no solid answer to this. 

One person drinks a whiskey every night after dinner and doesn’t see that as “too much.” Another does. Some think sex outside of marriage is “too much,” while others don’t. Ditto porn, masturbation. In short, we all get to set our own values. 

I think you’re reluctant to really call this a personal value because on some level you know it’s not. The issue is you want him fixated on you, you only, and any deviation on that makes you feel incredibly insecure, in your skin and alongside him, and out of control. 

No. There is the value side to the story and the factual side. A doctor could tell if a whiskey every day is too much or not. If it doesnt burden your organs, it is healthy. 

 

56 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you seem to harbor resentment and insecurities about being cheated on in the past.

Your BF is seems to just amuse and pacify you but clearly finds others attractive and arousing. He's also finding ways around your policing through racy videos, etc.

You've created a real forbidden fruit scenario making just about every other woman real or on screen more appealing than you. That's the sad irony of this police state.

You are a bit too dramatic, just like me. Ever read the part where I wrote what he said? He told me he listened to MUSIC. And while he did that, he saw a glimpse of the video and made him realize a few mins later that a session would feel nice, so he got our vid and had it. I am just villainizing him that it was purposeful, but he told me eye to eye that "yes, there was an occasion when he watched the video too, but was never his intention to watch women, just opening a song". I heard those songs many times in the car, just never looked at it. So this could be true, I am just assuming the worse

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, hannarivers said:

Nope. I said that if he can get turned on by such a merely little thing like this, we cant even watch a movie without him getting an erection. Never said I wont. Just a tought that if this happens, then that happens too.

Word salad that basically says exactly what I said...you feel insecure and threatened by ANY and ALL women. 

So what if he pops wood while you two are watching a movie? Take advantage and have fun with it! 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, hannarivers said:

There is healthier version of porn, Idk what anyone says about that. You can find costly sites where the producers are women, they choose what is best for the actresses, they have breaks, they have a word in what they are comfy with. It doesnt morph your mind into thinking that the male vision porn is the norm for sex, because those women show what they do actually enjoy. I went for that kind, and it is realistic, so it is healthier. I wont argue on this. 

Granted, there is a softer version of porn, that you enjoy watching.

I gather your boyfriend enjoys it too?  And that you watch together?  If so, that's awesome and I mean that. 

The issue is you deem that type of softer porn "healthy," and you view harder porn that your boyfriend watches on occasion as "unhealthy."

Which is your opinion based on your personal hangups about human sexuality, your insecurity, anxiety and the like. 

It's NOT fact. 

That said hard porn can become unhealthy IF it becomes an addiction and/or negatively impacts a person's sexual intimacy with their partner.  Soft porn can as well. 

Which in your case, it has NOT.  By your own admission you and he share a robust sex life, your making sex tapes together etc.

YOU simply have an aversion to it and don't like it. Again, that is your opinion NOT fact. 

Keep in mind your boyfriend is NOT you.  You are two completely separate people with your own likes and dislikes.

Nor are YOU the arbiter of what's healthy or unhealthy nor do you have any power or control over what HE enjoys watching on occasion 

That is the issue from where I'm sitting. And unless and until you can let go of your need to control what he enjoys and simply accept him for who he is, what he enjoys watching on occasion different from what YOU enjoy, and allow him to simply "be," your relationship imo doesn't stand a chance. 

[Jaunty]

3 hours ago, hannarivers said:

 There is healthier version of porn, Idk what anyone says about that. You can find costly sites where the producers are women, they choose what is best for the actresses, they have breaks, they have a word in what they are comfy with.

Well, I have a challenge for you.   Find these production companies - they are very common now, lots of porn is driven by the performers who are overwhelmingly women.   

Give your boyfriend a collection of links to these sites, and allow him to have at it freely.

No requirements about how the actresses look, whether he seeks out the same or similar types repeatedly, frequency, etc.   And definitely no reporting back to his mommy / jailor / girlfriend about what he watched.

OK?

[hannarivers]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Granted, there is a softer version of porn, that you enjoy watching.

I gather your boyfriend enjoys it too?  And that you watch together?  If so, that's awesome and I mean that. 

The issue is you deem that type of softer porn "healthy," and you view harder porn that your boyfriend watches on occasion as "unhealthy."

Which is your opinion based on your personal hangups about human sexuality, your insecurity, anxiety and the like. 

It's NOT fact. 

That said hard porn can become unhealthy IF it becomes an addiction and/or negatively impacts a person's sexual intimacy with their partner.  Soft porn can as well. 

Which in your case, it has NOT.  By your own admission you and he share a robust sex life, your making sex tapes together etc.

YOU simply have an aversion to it and don't like it. Again, that is your opinion NOT fact. 

Keep in mind your boyfriend is NOT you.  You are two completely separate people with your own likes and dislikes.

Nor are YOU the arbiter of what's healthy or unhealthy nor do you have any power or control over what HE enjoys watching on occasion 

That is the issue from where I'm sitting. And unless and until you can let go of your need to control what he enjoys and simply accept him for who he is, what he enjoys watching on occasion different from what YOU enjoy, and allow him to simply "be," your relationship imo doesn't stand a chance. 

I didnt say these videos were made for me. They were made for him and I only enjoy it because he does, and it is a turnon. He chose everything that should be in it. 

We only have good sexlife since I found out about his lying. He stopped porn, and we took the time to learn new things. He desires me waaay more since then. So of course I am scared that those women will take my place again:) 

[rainbowsandroses]

13 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I didnt say these videos were made for me.

Huh?

I'm completely confused now but nevermind, it's probably me.

Wish you both the best, ciao.

 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, hannarivers said:

Kinda my choice. You told me that you dont trust your husband that he wont forget things, but you trust him other ways. I dont trust mine with sexuality, I trust him in every other ways. 

Um no not at all the same.  I 100% trust he won't forget the essential important things - I trust my husband.  He is not good at remembering stuff so I don't trust his skills in that. My husband would not trust me to drive my son to the bus stop given its location and I haven't driven a car in 5 years and only have had my license for 8 years -with little driving experience.

  I trust his values, I trust him as a person, I trust him to keep all our marriage vows and then some.  Two different kinds of trust.  If I didn't trust him with "sexuality" there would be no point whatsoever in marrying or being in a romantic relationship with him just like if I hadn't trusted his decision to have a family with me, trusted his work ethic and ambition, his character and integrity.  

[Jaunty]

This thread, as was your first one that I posted in where you were overwrought because he sought out videos of a specific actress,  is going in circles.

There is a cold hard fact in play:

Your intrusion and efforts to control his personal private realm of masturbation and fantasies is out of line.  

The title of this thread depicts a very unhealthy notion:

Quote

How should one handle the other's sexuality outside of the relationship?

The answer is:  YOU SHOULD NOT BE HANDLING IT.

If ones  partner's porn use / masturbation are taking the place of a healthy intimate life between the people involved, then it IS a problem.  Yes, there are things that can be done to help a relationship recover from that.  None of them include the "injured" partner gaining access and control over the other person's personal life.  That is up to that person.  Your job would be to learn how to deal with your profound jealousy (yes you are), insecurity and relentless power grab for control.  

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, hannarivers said:

I said that if he can get turned on by such a merely little thing like this, we cant even watch a movie without him getting an erection.

And what would you think if you noticed this happening? 

What would be your inner dialogue with yourself? 

 

[hannarivers]

6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

And what would you think if you noticed this happening? 

What would be your inner dialogue with yourself? 

 

I would ask myself why. Because if I see a hot guy doing some sexual stuff, and I dont think much into it, I dont get turned on. I would not understand why he thinks of it like that, why cant he just see it as a normal thing and not a turnon. He also told me once that he has to merge into the thought to get excited. Like, if I walk in front of him naked, and he just looks and doesnt pay attention, nothing happens. But if he goes with the flow, he will get an up. So my point was, why cant he just look at these mixes and think like "ok, woman" instead of getting into it. Masturbation to others is not a must. You wont feel depressed if you dont masturbate to content. You might get moody without sex and orgasm in general. Your life wont be less fun or worse quality by missing out on naked virtual people. 

 

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

, there are things that can be done to help a relationship recover from that.

Like what? Because after I got traumatized by the lying and got deadly insecure by his porn use, all he did was stop ncore and hub. Ive never been insecure before this happened. I felt alive in my skin, loved my body. But I realized that sex once a week or twice in ten days for a young couple was not the best, even more because he used porn still, instead of pursuing me, or sometimes he even told me he was tired to have sex and rejected me. Now he only rejects me if he cant even stay awake. He pursues me all the time. He touches me like all that exists is me. You see why I am concerned? I understand he turned into a better man, and we change as we grow older and learn from mistakes. Even though I know he learned, I still fear for my position. 

[Jaunty]

You're basically no different from any other jealous insecure person who basically feels like all other attractive humans are a threat to their "position" and try with all their might to control situations to prevent interaction with other attractive humans.

Ergo my comparison with my female relative who had the abusive controlling spouse who was obsessed with monitoring what / who she looked at, where she was driving, what kind of clothes and makeup she wore. It ruined her life for a number of years until she got free of that sick relationship.   Then he ended up stalking and having a restraining order against him, though he'd never laid a hand on her.