Unclear breakup, confused, unable to move on

[RoundRound]

I'm 29F. My SO of 2.5 years, 31M, said that he doesn’t know where we stand, he wasn't happy with me, he can't find the things that he wants to see in his life partner. Our issues were ongoing for a long time, but it was the first time when he sounded like he didn't see any chances for the fix. So I said that I’ve spent a wonderful time with him, I thanked him for everything. I made it clear that even though it incredibly hurts and I don't want that, I'm ready to leave so he wouldn't be miserable anymore. 

He said that he doesn’t regret a single moment that we’ve spent together, that it speaks to the depth and subtle intricacies of our connection, that a lot of other things seem trivial compared to that, and that it hurts him to hear all of this, and that he really doesn’t know anything. He also said that he probably needs a day to reflect. I need to state here that he would never say anything just to calm me down or something of this sort, he always means what he says.

A few days after this conversation I flew off to another city to visit my friend and spent some great time with her. It's pretty much out of my character thing to do. He saw that in my insta stories and never opened them again since then.

Despite being in a great pain, I tried to proceed with my life. I reached out to my family, talked to a therapist, moved from my city to a beautiful mountain place, got an interesting job, returned to blogging. Kinda got my stuff together, more or less, though it seems like my self-esteem is tied to him now and I feel like I'm never enough. Probably the main thing he disliked about me was the fact that I don't have any goal in life, don't make any personal growth. I didn't have any job or study for all the time of our relationship. So, here I am, making some steps in this direction.

For the first two weeks he kept showing up online once in a day. I knew from one argument that we've had a few months ago that he would keep opening social media just to let me know that I should text him first because he's too proud, he doesn’t want to be “a simp”. I assume that this time he was doing exactly that. I didn’t text him because I was hurt myself and also believed that he should’ve reached out first as a dumper. Plus, we would just keep going around in circles, something should have been changed first. Exactly in two weeks he went offline on all the platforms outside of one single fake account.

 

After total of one month of NC I reached out to him with the short joking text, nothing about breakups, just kinda an ice-breaker. He didn’t open it, but blocked me on another account, that fake one. Not even the one where I texted him.

Here’s the thing: he always claimed that he’s the type to be extremely clear about breakups. According to him, if the words “we are broken up” have not been said and both side have not agreed upon that, then it’s not a breakup. Otherwise, as he said, he would always keep wondering if we are in a relationship or not.

To sum it all up, I feel confused and hurt, I need some closure, I need to understand where we stand. If we are broken up, I would grit my teeth and move on with my life. But for now I still hope that we can get back together. He’s really everything to me. Because of this lack of clarity and damn hope, I’m stuck in-between and can’t help but hold to the past. I’m extremely monogamous and don’t believe that I would ever be with anyone else. So is he, by the way. He always claimed that he can only fall in love at max of two times. I'm his second time. He desperately wants family and children, he believes that he can never fall in love again, so he's stuck in his own way: can't be with me and can't fully give up on me, because that would mean giving up on his dreams of love and family. I’m trying to live my life, I really am, but I cry every day, everything feels blank.

For clarity, we are from different countries and couldn't close the distance gap. We used to occasionally live in some third country for a few months, then return back to our countries for a few months, repeat. It was draining for both of us, and we couldn't build anything together like that. He believes that our incompatibilities are the only problem, but I think that a lot of it revolves around LDR.

 

Is there any chance that he would return to me, or would he reach out just to say that we are done for good, or not reach out at all? How would he know that I'm improving if he's closed off from me? I know I should only improve for my own sake, but I can't help but wonder if my changes even matter in terms of fixing this relationship? My thoughts are all over the place, and honestly, I need a very gentle encouraging comment that would make me feel at least a bit better.

[Batya33]

If he thought you changing was the issue and believed you wanted to change - he’d have stuck around. There was no abuse or infidelity right. I don’t think anyone is “extremely “ monogamous. Monogamous means you’re a person who doesn’t have sex with multiple partners at the same time. Right now you two are not partners.  I’m sorry ! As far as his “I don’t fall in love more than twice” I’d put little stock in that. Plus he can marry for convenience or he and a woman can decide they want to coparent but not be romantically involved or he can decide to adopt on his own. Or he can prove himself wrong and fall in love again. In short don’t grasp at straws

. I married my ex fiancée years after we cancelled our wedding but we both moved on for years in between. And we both changed. For ourselves. Our situation is quite rare. So I’d take time to heal if I were you and then see where you get. Without him. I’m sorry ! 

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, RoundRound said:

For clarity, we are from different countries and couldn't close the distance gap. We used to occasionally live in some third country for a few months, then return back to our countries for a few months, repeat. 

Sorry this is happening. It's great you decided to live your life and make the changes you wanted.. 

How did you meet and why were you living in different countries and travelling this much? Was it work related?  Do you currently live in your country, his country or the third country?

How often were you actually together in person? Did you ever live together or just visit? Or just meet in this third country then return to your respective countries?

Why was it impossible to close the distance? Are either of you in other relationships in your respective countries?

Agree the distance is a major factor. Unfortunately he was clear that he sees no future and that in itself is closure. 

It's unclear what all the social media contact is for. Or why there's fake accounts and blocking..

All you can do is step back and try to rebuild your life and consider dating locally.

[RoundRound]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don’t think anyone is “extremely “ monogamous. Monogamous means you’re a person who doesn’t have sex with multiple partners at the same time.

I use it in a sense of wanting to have one love for life and being unable to fall in love multiple times. Even two times feel too much for both of us, and neither of us would go for another attempt. We share same values here. You have every right to be skeptical about that, but people can be different.

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As far as his “I don’t fall in love more than twice” I’d put little stock in that. Plus he can marry for convenience or he and a woman can decide they want to coparent but not be romantically involved or he can decide to adopt on his own. Or he can prove himself wrong and fall in love again. In short don’t grasp at straws

That seems like a lot of personal projections and personal history. Doesn't really apply to my situation.

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 So I’d take time to heal if I were you and then see where you get. Without him. I’m sorry ! 

I knew everyone would tell me that, so I specifically stated that I already made a decent amount of changes for just one month and keep going on, and yet it's not enough for me to feel at least a little bit better.

[RoundRound]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately he was clear that he sees no future and that in itself is closure. 

Should I answer your questions above if you already made your mind about this situation? Dunno why you asked then.

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

consider dating locally.

Oh no...

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It's great you decided to live your life and make the changes you wanted.. 

Not the changes I wanted, but something to stick to. Thank you anyway.

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, RoundRound said:

I use it in a sense of wanting to have one love for life and being unable to fall in love multiple times. Even two times feel too much for both of us, and neither of us would go for another attempt. We share same values here. You have every right to be skeptical about that, but people can be different.

That seems like a lot of personal projections and personal history. Doesn't really apply to my situation.

I knew everyone would tell me that, so I specifically stated that I already made a decent amount of changes for just one month and keep going on, and yet it's not enough for me to feel at least a little bit better.

Obviously no one has to date. No one has to choose to give love again in a romantic relationship. I never wrote that. Im not skeptical at all that someone might choose that path. It doesn’t make a person more monogamous any more than it make them more rigid or closed off. It just is.
Please know you can only control yourself. Once he is your ex especially you won’t know if he chooses to change his mind , if he meets someone and realizes he wants to be with that person etc. certainly you know yourself and your choices. 

Perhaps change your tack of getting all defensive as to those here who are trying to be helpful. If your mind is made up why ask ??

[RoundRound]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Once he is your ex

He didn't say that we are broken up. He always claimed that it should be clearly vocalized, that these exact words should be said. That didn't happen. So, I can't really think of him as of an "ex". That's my whole problem.

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, RoundRound said:

,He didn’t open it, but blocked me on another account, that fake one. Not even the one where I texted him. I can't really think of him as of an "ex". That's my whole problem.

When was the last time you saw each other in person? When was the last time you two had a one on one conversation (not social media views,etc.) with each other?

Why not speak to him frankly and directly about whether there's hope for the future and where you stand as well as closing the distance gap?

Unfortunately there is a phenomenon refered to as "the slow fade".It's not ghosting per se but it's when someone doesn't make a definitive breakup clear and sort of infers it while tiptoeing out of the relationship. 

[RoundRound]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

When was the last time you saw each other in person? When was the last time you two had a one on one conversation (not social media views,etc.) with each other?

Mid June.

And that "I don't know where we stand" online convo happened in the end of July.

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not speak to him frankly and directly about whether there's hope for the future and where you stand as well as closing the distance gap?

He's deported from my country. I'm unable to get visa to his country. The only way for me to get there would be to get married to him, and that was not on the table due to our issues.

We suffered with all of this visa and deportation mess for a long time. It was draining as hell. We tried to consider different options, nothing really worked out. It all came down to marriage as the only way left to close the gap. 

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately there is a phenomenon refered to as "the slow fade".It's not ghosting per se but it's when someone doesn't make a definitive breakup clear and sort of infers it while tiptoeing out of the relationship. 

Yes there is, but he was never the type for that. 

Personally I think that something like "Why would I want to see you?" and silence would be enough to understand that you two are done. This is how my first breakup happened.

My SO commented on that: "This wouldn't make sense to me as a breakup". He said that unless "we are broken up" words have been said, it does not count to him.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, RoundRound said:

My SO of 2.5 years, 31M, said that he doesn’t know where we stand, he wasn't happy with me, he can't find the things that he wants to see in his life partner. Our issues were ongoing for a long time, but it was the first time when he sounded like he didn't see any chances for the fix.

 

2 hours ago, RoundRound said:

Here’s the thing: he always claimed that he’s the type to be extremely clear about breakups. According to him, if the words “we are broken up” have not been said and both side have not agreed upon that, then it’s not a breakup. Otherwise, as he said, he would always keep wondering if we are in a relationship or not.

My first thought when I read both these comments^^ was this is a man who is extremely conflicted. 

On one hand, he's unhappy and doesn't envision you or your relationship as being something that inspires him to continue forward with BUT on the other hand he's unable to break it off giving you the closure you both need. 

Some would label his behavior as avoidant or commitment-averse or "commitmentphobic."   Being so ambivalent and conflicted - can't say yes to move forward, can't say no to end it - is one of the telltale signs.

Both those scenarios leave him feeling boxed in, anxious and pressured, so he avoids making a decision altogether.

So where does this leave you?  Hurt, confused and frustrated.  

I'm not sure if there is anything anyone can say that would make you feel better, the situation sucks and I'm sorry.

There is a whole psychology that explains his conflicting behavior but that's not what's important here.  These are HIS issues to navigate on his own or with the help of a qualified therapist.  

Sadly you can't help him with that.  

The only thing you can do is take care of YOU.  You need closure, then give that to  yourself, because trust me HE won't, he's too conflicted.

You do not need his permission to end it.  I know how difficult that is, I've experienced it myself and it was the hardest decision I ever made but also the BEST decision.

It's up to you.  Obviously, you can't continue like this, you'll eventually have a breakdown which I nearly did. 

Anyway, just some things to consider.  There's also tons of reading material, books, articles, written by reputable authors which may provide some understanding and insight giving you the strength you need to end it.  

I'm truly sorry I couldn't provide more comfort and wish you the best in whatever decision you make. 

 

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, RoundRound said:

If we are broken up, I would grit my teeth and move on with my life. But for now I still hope that we can get back together. He’s really everything to me. Because of this lack of clarity and damn hope, I’m stuck in-between and can’t help but hold to the past. I’m extremely monogamous and don’t believe that I would ever be with anyone else. So is he, by the way. He always claimed that he can only fall in love at max of two times. I'm his second time. He desperately wants family and children, he believes that he can never fall in love again, so he's stuck in his own way: can't be with me and can't fully give up on me, because that would mean giving up on his dreams of love and family. I’m trying to live my life, I really am, but I cry every day, everything feels blank.

I am sorry for your pains 😕 .  is why I don't date anymore, it requires your energy.  I just can't. But, this is how it is when we get involved, our emotions are all in.  So, yeah, it hurts for a good while 😞 ....

I say you're grieving atm. So, you're in denial right now... then comes the sadness, the anger & pains etc.. Over and over until you can accept it, heal and move on.

And I do NOT believe in the stuff he's been saying re: falling in love, only twice, lol.  We have no real control over that. ( for both of you, actually).

YOU are 29 yrs old.. like you'll never come to love another?  Sure, you will.  And as for him, same goes.

As I said, you two will be dealing with your own emotions for the next while, as you work on accepting what is.  But it won't last forever.  ( one ex, it took me abt 10 mos.. another ex, it took me about 2 yrs to be over him).  It all takes time.

But, the worst thing to do is try to keep in contact - go no contact. Nothing!  No following etc ( as you said, he blocked you?  Says plenty 😕 ).

One day at a time.... take care of YOU.  Focus on you.  Get out there, get some air, hang with friends, get your rest etc.

 

 

[RoundRound]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'm truly sorry I couldn't provide more comfort and wish you the best in whatever decision you make. 

Wow, you actually sound pretty spot on. Thank you for your input.

[RoundRound]

3 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

YOU are 29 yrs old.. like you'll never come to love another?  Sure, you will.  And as for him, same goes.

He never fell in love until he was 27 years old. Like, at all. And I was single for 7 years until I met him. It's possible.

[SooSad33]

5 minutes ago, RoundRound said:

He never fell in love until he was 27 years old. Like, at all. And I was single for 7 years until I met him. It's possible.

Yes, it is very possible.

We all go thru life on our own pace.  My brother was single at least 10 yrs until he met his wife - after a very difficult time with a drug addicted gf 😕 .

I've been involved a few times over the years. Only married once and 2 LTR.  We never know 😉 .

But, in the end, nothing we can do but work through our pains and see we have no control over the other person.  They feel what they feel, same for ourselves.  if it's not working for us, we do need to be honest.  No one truly wants to hurt the other, but we also can't live a lie.  

[Cherylyn]

It doesn't sound like there is hope for the future with this guy.  It's better to block and delete him permanently.  Go no contact permanently in all areas. 

Move on.  You are going in the right direction.