meeting my 4y/o son

[a_lifters_life]

Hi there, i am with an amazing woman for ~9 months now. She is going to meet my 4 year old son.

I was thinking of having them meet at a local park . She wants to essentially observe for the first meeting.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you approach it? What did you do?

[Batya33]

What kind of observing is she considering? And why would she want to observe your child? What if he's having a bad day? I think a local park is fine and it's on you to make sure you don't ask your child to behave any differently than he normally would -that's not fair to him IMO.  And don't interact with him any differently.  A park is fine -when my son was 4 we were at the playground and or exploring the park almost daily. 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, a_lifters_life said:

, i am with an amazing woman for ~9 months now. She is going to meet my 4 year old son I was thinking of having them meet at a local park . 

The park is a good idea. Neutral casual and your child can play. Keep it simple. Dad's new friend for now. 

[boltnrun]

Your divorce was final less than a year ago, correct?  Has your child had plenty of time to adjust to Mommy and Daddy living apart?  Is he experiencing any behavioral or emotional issues due to the divorce? Are you fairly certain this relationship is going to be long lasting, possibly lifelong?

[a_lifters_life]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Your divorce was final less than a year ago, correct?  Has your child had plenty of time to adjust to Mommy and Daddy living apart?  Is he experiencing any behavioral or emotional issues due to the divorce? Are you fairly certain this relationship is going to be long lasting, possibly lifelong?

hey boltnrun - it was final ~1.5 years ago. he  is doing really well now. his mom is living about a .5 mile away. she used to  live 1.5 hours away... which made things substantially harder. he begins pre-k in a few weeks at his local elementary school.

I am very certain it is long lasting, otherwise i wouldnt be in it.

[a_lifters_life]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

The park is a good idea. Neutral casual and your child can play. Keep it simple. Dad's new friend for now. 

yep absolutely. Thanks.

[a_lifters_life]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

What kind of observing is she considering? And why would she want to observe your child? What if he's having a bad day? I think a local park is fine and it's on you to make sure you don't ask your child to behave any differently than he normally would -that's not fair to him IMO.  And don't interact with him any differently.  A park is fine -when my son was 4 we were at the playground and or exploring the park almost daily. 

observing how he is. id never ask him to behave differently. id be playing the same way we play at a park now for several years.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, a_lifters_life said:

observing how he is. id never ask him to behave differently. id be playing the same way we play at a park now for several years.

So... would she want to "observe" an adult who is close to you? Is she a child psychologist -does she want to observe how he interacts with his dad? What's her purpose in needing to "observe" a 4 year old child during a snapshot in time? I personally would not be a fan of anyone feeling a need to observe my child unless it was part of a school application process or in a school or healthcare setting.  Many of my close friends met my son at that age and didn't need to get to know him personally but also didn't seem to need to observe him.  I get that she might have personal involvement with him when the time is right but is there a reason she wants to observe him as opposed to just meeting him casually as daddy's friend?

[a_lifters_life]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So... would she want to "observe" an adult who is close to you? Is she a child psychologist -does she want to observe how he interacts with his dad? What's her purpose in needing to "observe" a 4 year old child during a snapshot in time? I personally would not be a fan of anyone feeling a need to observe my child unless it was part of a school application process or in a school or healthcare setting.  Many of my close friends met my son at that age and didn't need to get to know him personally but also didn't seem to need to observe him.  I get that she might have personal involvement with him when the time is right but is there a reason she wants to observe him as opposed to just meeting him casually as daddy's friend?

the plan is to introduce her as a special friend. i can understand your thoughts with someone wanting to literally just observe my kid. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, a_lifters_life said:

the plan is to introduce her as a special friend. i can understand your thoughts with someone wanting to literally just observe my kid. 

Yes - I hope she doesn't mean she wants to "observe" him in any focused way - he's a kid -lovely if she wants to meet him casually and they can exchange greetings, maybe she can comment on whatever he's playing with, etc and maybe you all can go get some ice cream.  Maybe he should "observe" her - kids are so intuitive!

[a_lifters_life]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes - I hope she doesn't mean she wants to "observe" him in any focused way - he's a kid -lovely if she wants to meet him casually and they can exchange greetings, maybe she can comment on whatever he's playing with, etc and maybe you all can go get some ice cream.  Maybe he should "observe" her - kids are so intuitive!

Oh, he will observe her - haha, so much truth. 

im interested to see how this goes in a few weeks

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, a_lifters_life said:

Oh, he will observe her - haha, so much truth. 

im interested to see how this goes in a few weeks

Kids are so good at picking up vibes from adults. 

[shouldhavelearned]

What does mom think?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, shouldhavelearned said:

What does mom think?

It's not "mom's" decision.  As the boy's father he can decide a casual meeting is appropriate at this time. Coparenting and dating lives need to stay separate. He doesn't need anyone's input or approval. 

[boltnrun]

I would absolutely want to know about AND meet the person who is potentially going to be a factor in my childrens' lives. There have been MANY instances of a single parent getting romantically involved with an unsavory or unsafe character and the child or children are exposed to someone who is a bad influence (at best) or dangerous (at worst). 

[shouldhavelearned]

Didn't say approval

 

Just curious as to what she thought 

[a_lifters_life]

i plan to tell his mom in about a week. No she wont be meeting him (right now), but she will know that my son will be meeting her for the first time - which is the right thing to do in a coparent relationship.

at a later date, say a school event or something where both my son and my gf are there id introduce to his mother (albeit briefly).

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, a_lifters_life said:

i plan to tell his mom in about a week. No she wont be meeting him (right now), but she will know that my son will be meeting her for the first time - which is the right thing to do in a coparent relationship.

at a later date, say a school event or something where both my son and my gf are there id introduce to his mother (albeit briefly).

I’d slow my roll here. Why bring your girlfriend to a school event for your son? She’s not his step mom or married or long term committed to you. 

[a_lifters_life]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I’d slow my roll here. Why bring your girlfriend to a school event for your son? She’s not his step mom or married or long term committed to you. 

im saying in the future, not right now or anytime soon. 

 

bottom line: mother wont meet my gf for awhile.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, a_lifters_life said:

im saying in the future, not right now or anytime soon. 

 

bottom line: mother wont meet my gf for awhile.

I understand.