Sort of a crush outside of my marriage

[Andrina]

4 hours ago, Eva1223 said:

He has already come in to take me for lunch when he wasn’t in the area. And usually everytime he is, he will text me to meet up.

If my husband was going out of his normal area to take a lady co-worker to lunch, I'd be filing divorce papers.

4 hours ago, Eva1223 said:

I’m very well aware we could be just using each other as a distraction in our boring marriages,

In normal friendships, people don't use each other. This isn't a run-of-the mill friendship.

 

You two are overly involved, not conducive to either of your marriages. As far as a crush, there's a difference between a momentary idea of seeing a charismatic new co-worker and thinking, "Wow, if we were both single, I'd certainly give that a go," versus amping up a friendship with daily contact and relishing inside jokes and as for you, venting about your marriage which I'm assuming you mean by when you say you share your personal life with him.

So what is your plan of action? Don't think you can work on your marriage AND not make any changes with your mentor.

I know what emotional affairs look like because in my first marriage, my husband and I were each in minor emotional affairs with our respective co-workers and it caused many arguments. We ultimately divorced due to his depression. But anyway, labels don't matter even if you don't think you're in an emotional affair and excusing your behavior because you think everyone has crushes. Regardless, when you're pouring more emotional energy and time into someone more than you're doing with your husband, know that your husband doesn't deserve that, even if he's lacking as a husband. Fix things with him or break up, and then you'll be free to give another single man all the attention you want.

[bluecastle]

For whatever it's worth?

Though I'm a dude, with different biology and different pressures, I can very much relate to the way you talk about kids.  Has never been a hard no for me, never a hard yes, and in that I always envied those a bit who knew one way or another. 

Took me until my late 30s to get some clarity, which in my case was basically coming to terms with the fact that, for me, partnership was not ever going to be about kids, in terms of the aim/goal/point. In other words, what I wanted was a certain kind of commitment and connection, and if kids evolved from that? Great. If not? Equally great. While that may sound wishy-washy to some, and certainly to anyone super kid-focused, it has helped serve as a bit of north star for me. 

Anyhow, sharing that, to echo what I and others have already written, to say that I think you'll find the clarity you need in doing what you can to explore what's what between you and your husband. I use the word "explore," rather than "fix" or "work," intentionally. If my math is right, you've been together since you were 20—so, so young. I think you need a clear answer, in your own heart, as to whether there is more room to grow together or whether you are each stunting the other's growth. 

[Morello]

By reading the OP's post, I'd consider this an emotional affair already as well. Maybe her husband would think differently. If my wife were posting this story, I'd be considering couples counselling at the very least.

I second the other's opinions that you should back off from this other guy and try to work on your marriage if you still think that's what you want.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Just chiming in as a childfree guy in his 30s: do not make the mistake of having them because of “societal pressure,” you either want them or you don’t.   I never did, so I never had them. 
 

it’s increasingly common as well, as more people realize they have a choice, that women aren’t just brood mares.  There’s actually message boards that are devoted to parents venting their regret of having children after feeling pressured by their spouse or society. Don’t be one of those people. 

Maybe my son is unusual in this way but he loves to ask regularly -not in a worried way - how I felt when I knew I was pregnant with him and how I felt being home with him when he was a baby and toddler - he loves to hear how overjoyed we were and how even though he decided to kick me in the bladder really really hard when I was in my 9th month and going up a long escalator to get to my office and I thought I'd have an um accident (I made it, barely) -that I never regretted being pregnant/tired/etc - the opposite.  He loves hearing how his grandparents were in the waiting room at the hospital.

He tells us regularly how he appreciates all we do for him, the time we spend with him, the places we take him.  He knows he is loved and he knows we felt so blessed to be able to conceive him in our 40s.  And he likes to hear those stories over and over.  I mean if that is not true -if the parent has real regrets  - what a shame for the child.

(Yes-if the pregnancy was an accident or unwanted I get that that can be a struggle for a mom who might not be comfortable with aborting or adopting out -but then so often the parent has the baby and does her very very best -I'm talking about pregnancies where the couple intended to get pregnant).

OP I know of couples who are childfree by choice.  I know of many many  women who don't feel like broodmares.  I am happy when a person is honest on this topic.

[Eva1223]

You got me all thinking about this emotional affair, is it or is it not, and yeah you are right, it most probably is. 
we went to lunch today because he was nearby and texted. Still 90% of the talk was work related and nothing inappropriate, but i could feel the spark and chemistry between us in his smile alone. We enjoyed each other company and that’s what it was. Perhaps a bit too much, i don’t know. 
and i went today because i wanted to « test » the waters, to really evaluate if i’m overreacting on this or not. 
I will cut him off now that i figured this out, but it shocked me to see for myself what i felt while i was with him, as if i had a bug in my stomach. I felt a bit nervous. It scared me enough to back off. No judgement please

[Jibralta]

On 8/17/2023 at 2:53 PM, Eva1223 said:

I’m on the fence about having children or starting trying for them (in my early 30s). I’m not sure I want them tbh (yet) but I feel the age pressure coming from all sides and it’s not easy to navigate this as a woman.

On 8/17/2023 at 6:43 PM, NighttimeNightmare said:

Just chiming in as a childfree guy in his 30s: do not make the mistake of having them because of “societal pressure,” you either want them or you don’t.

I'd also like to chime in about this because societal pressure is a strange and surprising thing. I am a 46-year old childless woman, and I'm happy that way. But I went through most of my life expecting to get married and have a family. I even had a hazy image of two towheaded daughters in my future. 

It wasn't until I was 35 that it finally dawned on me that I didn't want children. What caused me to realize that wasn't the fact that I kept pushing 'marriage and children' off as all of my friends took the plunge. The realization came when I connected with someone who didn't want children. Before him, I imagined marrying every guy I dated (and I pretty much ran screaming from all of those relationships).

I've since realized that I'd been mildly brainwashed. Lulled into complacency. The pressure to marry and have children is ubiquitous. It comes from everywhere: Books, TV, classmates, colleagues, clients, friends, relatives, random strangers: This is your next step. This is your future. Graduate high school, go to college, get a job, get married, have children, send them to college, marry them off, have grandchildren. 

I think lots of people who unsure about wanting children wander into parenthood through the channels of social pressure. Of course they fall in love with their children. I know I would have fallen in love with mine. But I don't think I would feel as happy and as fulfilled as I do now, if I were a parent. 

I don't know how to instruct you on how to get in touch with what you really want, because my own self discovery on this matter was a lucky accident. But I heartily encourage you to do so. The best advice I can give you is to observe your own feelings around kids. For example, here are two things that I've noticed about myself and others over the years:

• When someone brings their toddler into the office, I am not one of the people who gets up out of their seat to fawn over the child. 
• My friends who wanted kids looked for reasons to take care of children. They often volunteered to take care of and/or entertain their friends' children, or their family members' children, etc. I never, ever did this.

Finding a partner who had so much clarity about his own feelings was a lucky break for me. It removed pressure that I wasn't even aware of feeling, pressure that I only recognized in retrospect. I really think I could be married with children right now, if I had not started a relationship with him. So, I know how tricky it is for you if both of you are uncertain, or if you are uncertain and he wants kids. 

[Batya33]

I know of mothers who always wanted children for all the right reasons and have no particular interest in kids in general. There are kids they connect with just as there are adults they connect with. 
I find children in general intriguing but I connect with only particular children. I don’t try to force any young child to interact with me and I don’t like when people treat young kids as cute puppets there to entertain them. 
I can  see how certain women especially would feel pressured to go with the flow of marriage and motherhood.  I wasn’t one of them. Always wanted to be a parent with all my heart and soul. 

[Capricorn3]

Sometimes it helps put thing in perspective if you ask:  "how would I feel if my husband was doing this behind my back and having an emotional affair with another women?"  Deceit and disrespect in a marriage rarely has a happy outcome.

Lose this other guy and focus on your marriage.

[Eva1223]

Yeah i think this marriage needs much more clarity, this guy is just a consequence of my confusion about what I want in my life. 
It’s hard being a married childless woman in mid 30s - societal pressure is constant, not just for kids, also for my career that i’ve invested 18 years of education in. So much is expected of me, to deliver.
Anyway, i didn’t hear from this guy for the weekend, which is good, kinda cooled of a bit my feelings and i focused solely on my husband. 
after 14 years together, and alone in one flat, it can be sometimes a challenge to keep the spark alive, like in any marriage. 
and when it’s boring and i’m bored, that’s when my mind wonders. To him. Ugh, i hate this…

[Eva1223]

19 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

Sometimes it helps put thing in perspective if you ask:  "how would I feel if my husband was doing this behind my back and having an emotional affair with another women?"  Deceit and disrespect in a marriage rarely has a happy outcome.

Lose this other guy and focus on your marriage.

Actually it would kill me. 
my husband is a very patient, faithful and honest man. I have no doubt. He never hid anything from me. 
knowing he has a crush on someone or if he cheats me, i would be devastated. 
also in case we broke up, i could never imagine in my head him with another woman. I am overly possesive about him. I know that’s a bit of a double standard, i know, but it’s how i feel. And in a way, im happy i feel this way after so many years together… shows i care. 
on the other hand - i wish he’d be more possesive or jealous over me sometimes. I feel like he takes me for granted. He never felt threatened by anyone (even joked « noone would tolerate you anyway »). 
even today, i said to him many men looked at me in a new dress on the street, just to get some reaction out and he couldn’t care less. 
sometimes, i feel like his indifference is pushing me to provoke him even more and i know i shouldn’t do this, it isn’t fair to him, but i’d like a bit more drama or energy in my marriage. I feel like we are just existing, sometimes passionless, and there is no « she is mine » feeling. Of course he’d never condone cheating, but he has this trust, which i cherish and doesn’t care about me flirting or being sexy as long as i don’t do something physically. 

[Capricorn3]

7 hours ago, Eva1223 said:

sometimes, i feel like his indifference is pushing me to provoke him even more and i know i shouldn’t do this, it isn’t fair to him, but i’d like a bit more drama or energy in my marriage. I feel like we are just existing, sometimes passionless, and there is no « she is mine » feeling. Of course he’d never condone cheating, but he has this trust, which i cherish and doesn’t care about me flirting or being sexy as long as i don’t do something physically. 

^ Have you discussed any of this with him in depth.  Is he fully aware of how you feel? I get the feeling he is not at all aware.  You need to lay all your cards on the table and let him know exactly what's going on etc.  As long as he's not aware that you want "more drama and energy", nothing will change.