My heart is breaking because I am hurting him......help?

[stargirl5256]

We started dating about 8 1/2 months ago. It had been a long time since I'd seen someone seriously and the attraction was so strong and he treated me like gold from the start. We were saying I love you within a month of our first date (the first guy I'd ever exchanged I love you's with) and talking about marriage after 3 months- which freaked me out and excited me at the same time. This was the first time I had ever broached the marriage subject and I think I got so caught up in my new love that I ignored feelings that some things didn't feel right.

 

He lived an hour away and we only saw each other on the weekends- and most weekends were fantastic, although we had arguments and often miscommunicated about small things- although we agreed to try better understand each other (that didn't work, though) The issues of the arguments were usually glossed over and we we pretended like they weren't a problem and continued on full speed ahead. We decided together that I would move in at the end of this semester (I am in grad school and still have 7 months left in my graduate program) and that I would commute the hour to school every day until December.

 

Well, it's been a month and a half, and we've done almost nothing but fight. We argue until we're tired of it and drop it until someone brings it up again. After an argument, he goes back to like everything is normal, and I just can't seem to get over it. He wants to touch me and I don't want him to. I have been sinking deeper and deeper into a depression because all of the doubts that I ignored in the beginning are adding up.

 

Our miscommunication has become a major issue. However, we started couples counseling and since then, I don't think the miscommunication is the only issue. I have come to realize that this doesn't feel right for me.....I can't say I love you in reply to him without it catching in my throat. I still care deeply about him, and I feel that I love him, but I don't know that I am IN love with him. I am only 23, and have not yet been out on my own. I have realized that I am not yet ready to settle down and my heart is breaking.....

 

I have told him how I am feeling and that I wish to move out and that I need space. I don't know what I want to do beyond that, and I know that I don't have the right to keep him in limbo. My depression is consuming me because I know that I am hurting him. I have made an appointment with a counselor, but I would like some advice from anyone that has been through this or that might be able to help.........sigh......

[RayKay]

Well, it sounds like you got caught up in the initial lust, maybe mistook it for true love (as you said it was first time you ever even exchanged the words), got excited at the way it was going and as you said did not listen to certain feelings or warnings for you....and are now realizing it moved too fast and there is not enough of a base there to the relationship to be as serious as you had planned/thought (ie marriage). You also are realizing there are very big communication isses and conflict resolution problems.

 

I know it hurts, I commend you for going to counselling, but it may be hard to change those feelings, and they might be telling you something. You cannot force something that does not feel right to you. If you ignore those feelings you may only grow to feel more trapped and resentful in the relationship. Counselling has maybe brought into light the real problems for you, and it may very well be true your heart is telling you this is NOT the right relationship or person for you right now.

 

Be honest with him and let him go if you already know that you cannot continue and that this is not right for you. He will be hurt, but it is much better than dragging it on always knowing it will end.

 

You cannot force something to work that never really existed in the first place.....

[Mr Meh]

Pain is the result of any breakup (unless a friendly mutual one) and there is no way to avoid it. I'm sorry to hear that you are depressed over what you're "doing to him", but the real fact is that you can only hurt both of you by staying -mostly you. In the whirlwind of your meeting (marriage talk after 3 months) a lot of deep promises and thoughts were exchanged, but when reality came it wasn't all you two had built it up to be. There is nothing wrong with that, and the fact that you chose to end it for your own reasons is not a cruel thing to do, just necessary.

In my own relationship (currently in the state of ending) my partner would always say things like "you're my soulmate" and "You're the guy I'm going to grow old with", and it seemed to give her such pleasure to be so sure of these things (and flattering for me) that I never took the time to tell her that I didn't necessarily feel the same way. Now that I have ended it, it feels like I am taking so much away from her that I feel very sad about that. But I also realize that we will both heal eventually and I have to do what's best for me...I'm not trying to discount your feelings of depression, but remember you are doing this for you. Sometimes we have to be "selfish".

[coasty]

Wow, your story sounds so much like mine it is not funny. Seriously, right down to the fact that we lived 1.5 hours away from each other and only saw each other on weekends. We didn't get to the point of moving in with each other though. We've now been on a no contact break for going on 4 weeks now. I wanted some time to myself to be sure that I really wanted to break things off. I feel so horrible for hurting him. But, yes, I have to do what is best for me, and probably for him too, since I feel like we are not right for each other. He deserves somebody who will love him completely and will want to be with him, without a doubt. Think of that and hopefully it will help you to be a little less depressed about what you are doing to him.

[newts]

The same thing happened to me except I had a few serious relationships before my marriage. Everything was going great (I thought anyway) There were so many things that really annoyed me about him and I always use to think they were minor issues. Everything was great, he asked me to marry him after 6 weeks and I asked him if we could hold off on that sort of commitment for at least 12 mths he agreed. We moved in together after 3 mths (6 weeks of those I was in Sydney for business) we purchased a house after 12mths. He asked me to marry him after 4years together and I actually had to think about it in my mind (I put that down to him suprising me) we married 12mths later. I had so many second thoughts leading up to the marriage and put them down to nerves. After 3 mths of marriage I knew in my heart it was over. I dragged it out for another 21 mths because I didn't want to hurt him. In the end I crushed him, destroyed him and I will never ever forget that. I don't contact him ever and I find myself feeling alot of guilt still 3 years after the seperation.

 

My advice is go with your gut feeling. You are young and there is so much for you to experience in life before you make a huge commitment like this. I to was 23 when I meet my ex-husband and I regret not being able to live out my 20's as they are the best times of your life. How know's maybe one day when you have matured more you both might re-kindle

what you once had.

[stargirl5256]

I have to say that it's really nice to hear from people who have experienced this. I am waiting to move into a new place (I have to wait for the application approval) and that means that I may have several days until I can move out of his house. I am staying with a friends in the meantime, but going back there to get my stuff just seems so cold. I had to stay there last night because I didn't have anywhere else to go, so I slept in the separate bedroom. I just wanted to go to sleep, but he wanted to talk and keep rehashing everything- he's in such anguish- all I could say is I'm sorry and give him honest answers. He kept telling me that he loves me so much and all I could say is "I know." I love him, but don't feel in love (I think-I don't know!) I still feel like crud. I can't eat, yet, but I am slowly feeling better.... Thank you...