good friend or bad friend

[lovergal]

25 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well I don't judge you that you want to go clubbing or even if you were hooking up with guys casually or whatever. But I do think that your behaviours aren't really matching what you want in life. Like, you are not acting in accordance with your values and goals.

You said you want to settle down but I'm pretty sure you would not find that going clubbing and hanging out with your friend. I don't think guys at night clubs are looking to settle down or even looking to date. I think most guys who go to clubs just want a hook up. And no offence but even if they do want a girlfriend, they would be looking for that outside of the night club. 

I know you said you only go to night clubs about once a month and that's fine. I mean, even if you wanted to go there every weekend, that's your choice. There are issues with this though that you are not happy with the company you go clubbing with and it's not helping you find a boyfriend.

My suggestion would be to start getting involved in social and activity groups where you can meet other friends. For example, you could go to Meetup.com groups and usually there are both men and women there. You could also join hobby classes. On Facebook there are often social or hobby groups too. For example, a few months ago I moved house and I joined a local women's group. They have all sorts of fun activities all the time. I've been to two coffee outings and went to the cinema with them. Most of the women there seem nice and decent.

I understand you want single female friends bit why does it have to be This friend? Do you actually live in India or are you just of Indian background?

So it's not like I WANT to go clubbing and I'm going to the club to find a boyfriend. I find it fun and I like to dance. I understand it doesnt align with my values and I totally get that but again I'm only going for my own enjoyment not to find someone. But if she wanted to do something else, I would be open to it. I have suggested hiking, amusement parks, getting nails done, movies etc... and she doesn't want to do any of that (bc it doesnt involve men). 

I do have one other best friend but shes so consumed with work that I rarely see her. I also have family but again they are busy. I guess you can say that she is the only one that's available so I see her. I work monday-friday and saturday I just want to get out and socialize and do something. I don't like being home and I find it depressing which is why I go out with her.

I have tried some of those sites and bumble bff but I couldnt find anyone. everyone was there a bit odd.

And no I don't live in India- I am from canada. It's so hard finding friends. I have been struggling for years.

[Tinydance]

12 minutes ago, lovergal said:

So it's not like I WANT to go clubbing and I'm going to the club to find a boyfriend. I find it fun and I like to dance. I understand it doesnt align with my values and I totally get that but again I'm only going for my own enjoyment not to find someone. But if she wanted to do something else, I would be open to it. I have suggested hiking, amusement parks, getting nails done, movies etc... and she doesn't want to do any of that (bc it doesnt involve men). 

I do have one other best friend but shes so consumed with work that I rarely see her. I also have family but again they are busy. I guess you can say that she is the only one that's available so I see her. I work monday-friday and saturday I just want to get out and socialize and do something. I don't like being home and I find it depressing which is why I go out with her.

I have tried some of those sites and bumble bff but I couldnt find anyone. everyone was there a bit odd.

And no I don't live in India- I am from canada. It's so hard finding friends. I have been struggling for years.

I'm not trying to be harsh coz I know people online can be odd, but surely it's not everyone? If you live in a city/town that has night clubs then I'm guessing it's not a small place? Surely not everyone at Meetups or on Bumble BFF is odd? I know those groups can be hit and miss but it's about persistence and giving people a chance.

Maybe you won't find a best friend there but I'm sure you could find activity buddies or acquaintances. You could even invite some other women to go clubbing for a girls' night out or to the other activities you mentioned.

In all honesty any woman who is actually nice and not putting you down or being shallow would already be an improvement from your "friend". Your friend honestly sounds really bad and very superficial and shallow. I don't think she's your real friend because it seems she tries to backstab you and put you down. Even if other women were only acquaintances but they could be nice people who don't make you feel bad about yourself. 

My suggestion would be to start "slow fading" your friend. You could still go out with her once a few weeks but try to start hanging out with other women as well. Then slowly keep cutting back on the other friend until you basically cut her off. I mean in all fairness you are also only hanging out with her because you have nobody else. So try to find other people and cut her off sooner rather than later.

[lovergal]

9 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I'm not trying to be harsh coz I know people online can be odd, but surely it's not everyone? If you live in a city/town that has night clubs then I'm guessing it's not a small place? Surely not everyone at Meetups or on Bumble BFF is odd? I know those groups can be hit and miss but it's about persistence and giving people a chance.

Maybe you won't find a best friend there but I'm sure you could find activity buddies or acquaintances. You could even invite some other women to go clubbing for a girls' night out or to the other activities you mentioned.

In all honesty any woman who is actually nice and not putting you down or being shallow would already be an improvement from your "friend". Your friend honestly sounds really bad and very superficial and shallow. I don't think she's your real friend because it seems she tries to backstab you and put you down. Even if other women were only acquaintances but they could be nice people who don't make you feel bad about yourself. 

My suggestion would be to start "slow fading" your friend. You could still go out with her once a few weeks but try to start hanging out with other women as well. Then slowly keep cutting back on the other friend until you basically cut her off. I mean in all fairness you are also only hanging out with her because you have nobody else. So try to find other people and cut her off sooner rather than later.

I can try bumble bff again but I just remember no one really responded. It was just weird and the vibes that the other girls gave off were a bit weird toooo but I'm open to trying it.

I agree that anyone else would be better but idk why i feel so bad and guilty lol

But after what she pulled tonight, I have decided to slow fade her. It's honestly her loss than it is mine. I can also focus more on dating and going on dates and meeting guys.

[Tinydance]

30 minutes ago, lovergal said:

I can try bumble bff again but I just remember no one really responded. It was just weird and the vibes that the other girls gave off were a bit weird toooo but I'm open to trying it.

I agree that anyone else would be better but idk why i feel so bad and guilty lol

But after what she pulled tonight, I have decided to slow fade her. It's honestly her loss than it is mine. I can also focus more on dating and going on dates and meeting guys.

In what way were the vibes weird? I'm just genuinely curious. I did use Bumble BFF a bit some years ago and I did get matches. But I'm not good at chatting online so strangers so I guess I kind of fizzled off. I'm probably one of those weird people you were talking about loooll 

I personally prefer making friends in real life so I found Meetup groups a lot better. Guys go to most Meetup groups as well. What I liked about them is that you usually do activities.  Even if you don't meet anyone per se, at least you went out and did fun things. I actually did meet my best friend at a Meetup. I know I was lucky because I only went there once or twice. That was 13 years ago and we've been the bestest of friends ever since.

There are also sometimes Facebook women's groups or social groups. That group I mentioned I recently joined is a Facebook women's group run by some local women. This group is actually only for a certain area (Western suburbs of my city) but they still have 650 members in the group. They organise activities nearly every day and it's fun things like markets, coffee, cinema, lake walk, day trips.

[lovergal]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

In what way were the vibes weird? I'm just genuinely curious. I did use Bumble BFF a bit some years ago and I did get matches. But I'm not good at chatting online so strangers so I guess I kind of fizzled off. I'm probably one of those weird people you were talking about loooll 

I personally prefer making friends in real life so I found Meetup groups a lot better. Guys go to most Meetup groups as well. What I liked about them is that you usually do activities.  Even if you don't meet anyone per se, at least you went out and did fun things. I actually did meet my best friend at a Meetup. I know I was lucky because I only went there once or twice. That was 13 years ago and we've been the bestest of friends ever since.

There are also sometimes Facebook women's groups or social groups. That group I mentioned I recently joined is a Facebook women's group run by some local women. This group is actually only for a certain area (Western suburbs of my city) but they still have 650 members in the group. They organise activities nearly every day and it's fun things like markets, coffee, cinema, lake walk, day trips.

Weird vibes like they may kill me lol or like they wouldnt respond, or they would want to meet up in weird places and then there were some where we didnt really have much in common

[Tinydance]

14 minutes ago, lovergal said:

Weird vibes like they may kill me lol or like they wouldnt respond, or they would want to meet up in weird places and then there were some where we didnt really have much in common

How do you know they wanted to kill you?! Are you sure you weren't just overly judging some people?

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, lovergal said:

Weird vibes like they may kill me lol

I think you're being a little exaggerated about this. 

What could a person possibly have said to you that made you think this? I have to say, the way you write makes you come across as someone much younger than your actual age. Perhaps it is you giving off the vibe that you've got some growing up to do. That could be a problem you're not even aware of when you're trying to connect with new people online. 

If you venture back into these sorts of apps, I would clean up the "lol" and "idk" and generous use of unecessary vowels (ex. me tooooo) It's very teenager. 

[Tinydance]

12 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I think you're being a little exaggerated about this. 

What could a person possibly have said to you that made you think this? I have to say, the way you write makes you come across as someone much younger than your actual age. Perhaps it is you giving off the vibe that you've got some growing up to do. That could be a problem you're not even aware of when you're trying to connect with new people online. 

If you venture back into these sorts of apps, I would clean up the "lol" and "idk" and generous use of unecessary vowels (ex. me tooooo) It's very teenager. 

To be honest I thought this too but I didn't want to say anything. You do sound like you're younger from the way you write. 

[lovergal]

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I think you're being a little exaggerated about this. 

What could a person possibly have said to you that made you think this? I have to say, the way you write makes you come across as someone much younger than your actual age. Perhaps it is you giving off the vibe that you've got some growing up to do. That could be a problem you're not even aware of when you're trying to connect with new people online. 

If you venture back into these sorts of apps, I would clean up the "lol" and "idk" and generous use of unecessary vowels (ex. me tooooo) It's very teenager. 

That's how everyone talks where I'm from.

Also - if you have done online dating - you would know what I mean if someone seems creepy. Meeting in private places, alone etc... and you hear all these stories on the news of meeting someone going wrong. I'm trying to protect myself and I would rather feel comfortable meeting someone than unsafe. lol sorry if that is immature for you?

How old are you?

[lovergal]

7 hours ago, Tinydance said:

To be honest I thought this too but I didn't want to say anything. You do sound like you're younger from the way you write. 

I'm sorry I'm not gonna write like I'm at work and be professional.

I'm just on here for advice ...

[MissCanuck]

12 minutes ago, lovergal said:

Also - if you have done online dating - you would know what I mean if someone seems creepy.

Who said anything about online dating? You and another poster were discussing meeting other women for the purposes of friendship.

13 minutes ago, lovergal said:

I'm trying to protect myself and I would rather feel comfortable meeting someone than unsafe. lol sorry if that is immature for you?

Again, not what I said. Please don't twist my words. 

I said the way you write is rather juvenile and could be why you're having problems connecting with other women your age to make friends, if you're trying to use online apps/websites. 

[lovergal]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

Who said anything about online dating? You and another poster were discussing meeting other women for the purposes of friendship.

Again, not what I said. Please don't twist my words. 

I said the way you write is rather juvenile and could be why you're having problems connecting with other women your age to make friends, if you're trying to use online apps/websites. 

Online dating/ online friends is still the same thing in terms of you dont know who youre meeting. Just because youre looking for an online friendship - its safe? no.

 

[MissCanuck]

Just now, lovergal said:

Just because youre looking for an online friendship - its safe? no.

Once again, this is not what I said. 

I commented on your hyperbole in saying certain people made you feel like they would kill you. I asked what they said to make you think this. You haven't answered that either. Nowhere did I say that you should meet people who make you feel unsafe, so again, I am going to kindly ask that you not put words in my mouth. 

My point is that if the way you write here is a reflection of how you communicate in real life, it could point to part of the reason why you say you are struggling to make friends with your peers. 

I digress. Good luck with this toxic friend. You're going to need it if you insist on keeping her in your life. 

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, lovergal said:

I m just on here for advice ...

What advice would you like?  She's not going to change. You already mentioned this wing woman you go clubbing and hang out with is annoying so all you can do is deal with it until you make other friends.

[LootieTootie]

19 hours ago, lovergal said:

I can try bumble bff again but I just remember no one really responded. It was just weird and the vibes that the other girls gave off were a bit weird toooo but I'm open to trying it.

I agree that anyone else would be better but idk why i feel so bad and guilty lol

But after what she pulled tonight, I have decided to slow fade her. It's honestly her loss than it is mine. I can also focus more on dating and going on dates and meeting guys.

Yes. I think you are dependent on this person because she's same culture, same age, and same status. Don't put yourself in a box because you find her relatable. She's the last person you want to relate to.

Also, just because you get weird vibes from people online, that doesn't mean you stop trying other avenues of making friends.

Try salsa dancing classes or pottery classes, maybe you will meet a good man there too.

[Tinydance]

9 hours ago, lovergal said:

Online dating/ online friends is still the same thing in terms of you dont know who youre meeting. Just because youre looking for an online friendship - its safe? no.

 

It's true, you don't know who you're meeting just in the sense that they are a stranger. I don't understand why you think it's not safe to meet friends online or even do online dating though.

Online dating for example is extremely common now so it's not really like in the 90's when it was a new thing and only "weirdos" did it. I'm 38 and I did online dating on and off since I was 18. Most people I met on online dating were not weirdos. I don't really remember anyone being actually creepy in the sense that they would assault or murder me. Some people were socially awkward or seemed to be neurodivergent but they didn't do anything dangerous or try to lure me anywhere or anything.

I think in terms of making female friends online, it would be even safer in my opinion. With a platonic friend you wouldn't probably go to their house until you knew them really well. So you would catch up in public places.

The only "problem" I've had with meeting other women from those apps is that we didn't really click. But that's not because they were strange or anything was wrong with them. It was just more a lack of connection or not many things in common.

I mean, unfortunately making friends can be similar to dating. You need to "kiss a few frogs before you find the princess" lol Just need to keep putting yourself out there and keep trying.

I actually met a woman on this platonic friendship app called Patook. I found the interaction kind of awkward and we didn't click that much. But I didn't mind staying in touch a bit. We caught up a couple of times and she invited me to her 40th Birthday. We went to a games arcade and an all you can eat Japanese restaurant with her partner and all her friends. It was actually fun and the people were nice. I think it's OK to have acquaintances like that as well because you can still go out and do things and you can meet their friends.