good friend or bad friend

[lovergal]

Hey guys!

I just want some advice. I have had this friend and we've been friends for about a year now and I can't determine if she is a goood friend or a *** one. (we're both female btw)

So we get along really well because we are in our 30's and single and we just relate to each other. I noticed that we just do things differently like we handle ourselves differently in situations which is fine.

So I don't want to make this a long post but these are some of the things she has done which are questionable to me:

1. She has gone up to my exes and situationships at clubs (without asking me) and causing a scene whenever they are talking to a girl. It's not the way I would handle the situation but she claimed she did it for me and shes a good friend. I am a very quiet person and handle stuff on the low.

2. She has left me alone at the club at 2AM to suck d

3. She always calls me a "door mat" and says I'm way too available for guys. - which I guess I can be but if I like a guy I will see him lol (also she is VERY avoidant).

4. She tells me to play mind games with guys. She reads a lot of self help books like why men love ***es and books where they tell you what attracts men. I don't believe in that stuff and I am more into being yourself and being genuine. I don't think games really get you anywhere

5. She can't communicate well. I'm always walking on egg shells around her- she gets mad so easy and frustrated and just goes off and handles stuff poorly. For example, we went on vacation and got into an argument - she was on the bed just typing away (obviously texting someone about me) and then shes like I wanna go home tomorrow. She acts like a baby.

6. She gets heavily involved in my business - if I'm texting a guy she wants to know what I'm saying and every little detail

7. I know this is a weird one - but she NEVER makes a reso or books a hotel room. She just expects me to do it. She says shes "busy" but I know shes not

8. I remember once we were out and I posted a selfie and I was responding to some guys and she got annoyed at that and shes like "you shouldn't be replying to them because now they know you're not having fun while youre out"

9. She always leaves me waiting on her. She's constantly late (not 5 mins late like 30-hour late) and when I ask her why she gets so defensive and shes always like "omg are you really gonna get mad over this... okay sorrry!" but i know its not a genuine apology cus she will do it again

10. she embarasses me in front of guys

these are just the things on top of my head. she is really blunt with me but claims shes a good friend and shes not gonna be fake. I think the thing that bothers me most is how shes always calling me available and a door mat for guys because shes not like that and she wants me to be more like her and she thinks the way she does things is right. and she claims she just doesnt want me to get "hurt". I see her perspective (kinda) - I am the type where I put my eggs in one basket and put all my efforts in with a guy when I like them but once I'm over them I'm done with them and I feel like I shouldn't get ridiculed for that. She is more avoidant and just plays mind games. She just never understands my perspective because she thinks the way she handles things is always the right way.

Is she a bad friend or am I just sensitive?

Also:

-she got hurt when she was like 21 and has never been in a relationship since (over 10 years ago)
-she is also EXTREMELY insecure. I have never met anyone as insecure as she is. she doesn't dance at clubs, she takes forever to get ready, she always needs validation, always making sure her hair/makeup looks goood, she will never wear a dress, if she is bloated she won't even go out.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, lovergal said:

 She has left me alone at the club at 2AM to suck d.

She always calls me a "door mat" 

Doesn't this seem a bit ironic to you?

Why not step back. She doesn't seem like a good friend whatsoever. 

[lovergal]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Doesn't this seem a bit ironic to you?

Why not step back. She doesn't seem like a good friend whatsoever. 

I know. I tried talking to her about this the other day but it's like talking to a wall. I told her "you call me a doormat but you did that" and her response was that she did it ONCE and its not in her nature to do that. She always has excuses.

[LootieTootie]

She doesn't sound like a friend period

[lovergal]

Just now, LootieTootie said:

She doesn't sound like a friend period

Can i ask why?

idk why but I feel bad for her lol

[LootieTootie]

Um you should feel bad for yourself. Why on earth would you hang out with someone who clearly is all about herself?

[lovergal]

2 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Um you should feel bad for yourself. Why on earth would you hang out with someone who clearly is all about herself?

I really don't know. lol

[Wiseman2]

She sounds like a headache you don't need and a horrible influence.

When you feel better and life is looking up for you, you won't feel lonely enough to consider someone like this a friend. 

[LootieTootie]

4 minutes ago, lovergal said:

I really don't know. lol

I think you have a low self-esteem. That's the only reason why I think someone would allow a "friend" to treat them so horrendously.

Do you have a low self-esteem?

[lovergal]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

She sounds like a headache you don't need and a horrible influence.

When you feel better and life is looking up for you, you won't feel lonely enough to consider someone like this a friend. 

I know this sounds SO bad. but we party a lot together and she's my party friend but once i find my man - i plan on cutting her out of my life.

[lovergal]

2 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

I think you have a low self-esteem. That's the only reason why I think someone would allow a "friend" to treat them so horrendously.

Do you have a low self-esteem?

LOL i doooo! but idk if thats it. I don't have a lot of friends my age that I can party with and I know once I find my man and I'm settled down - im going to cut her out of my life. I know that sounds bad but it's the truth.

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, lovergal said:

 but we party a lot together and she's my party friend but once i find my man - i plan on cutting her out of my life.

That's why she's a bad influence. You're hanging out in sleazy places exactly where you Won't find decent men.  Having a floozie as a wing woman is a bad idea and attracts garbage men. Besides it sounds like you're just using her too. So when you're in a better place none of any of this will appeal to you. 

[lovergal]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's why she's a bad influence. You're hanging out in sleazy places exactly where you Won't find decent men.  Having a floozie as a wing woman is a bad idea and attracts garbage men. Besides it sounds like you're just using her too. So when you're in a better place none of any of this will appeal to you. 

I feel like SHE attracts garbage men because she will give any guy a chance. She gets fingered at the dance floor of a club and makes out with random guys.

For me, I work a lot and I like to escape on the weekends. I don't go clubbing for guys because I know the love of my life won't be at the club but I go for my own enjoyment and fun.

Unfortunately, all my other friends are busy with their own lives (marriage, kids, etc...) so I rarely do get to see them.

[shouldhavelearned]

Not a good friend 

[LootieTootie]

2 minutes ago, lovergal said:

I feel like SHE attracts garbage men because she will give any guy a chance. She gets fingered at the dance floor of a club and makes out with random guys.

For me, I work a lot and I like to escape on the weekends. I don't go clubbing for guys because I know the love of my life won't be at the club but I go for my own enjoyment and fun.

Unfortunately, all my other friends are busy with their own lives (marriage, kids, etc...) so I rarely do get to see them.

Oh hun, garbage attracts garbage. & don't forget who chooses to hang out with her every weekend.

Realized that you are who your friends are. If you say "No I don't do any of that nasty stuff she does." Unfortunately people see you all the time with her on the weekends, so you are doing harm to yourself in finding a good man.

Please start acknowledging that you need to think better of yourself in order to know that you don't want to be associated with the likes of her.

Secondly, please know that you don't need to go clubbing every weekend to escape. I mean if you want to go clubbing, you can go by yourself too. There are extracurrular activities you can do thats way more healthier and drama-free. Try volunteering, join a hiking group, a biking club, single hang out group, etc.

Learn to live outside your comfort zone to build self-love and self-care.

[lovergal]

5 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Oh hun, garbage attracts garbage. & don't forget who chooses to hang out with her every weekend.

Realized that you are who your friends are. If you say "No I don't do any of that nasty stuff she does." Unfortunately people see you all the time with her on the weekends, so you are doing harm to yourself in finding a good man.

Please start acknowledging that you need to think better of yourself in order to know that you don't want to be associated with the likes of her.

Secondly, please know that you don't need to go clubbing every weekend to escape. I mean if you want to go clubbing, you can go by yourself too. There are extracurrular activities you can do thats way more healthier and drama-free. Try volunteering, join a hiking group, a biking club, single hang out group, etc.

Learn to live outside your comfort zone to build self-love and self-care.

I don't go clubbing every weekend - prob once a month and thats when I see her. 

I spend most of my time alone and I like to do something every weekend. I have tried to go hiking with her (she doesnt want to), trying new restaurants/dinner (she finds that boring).

[LootieTootie]

Just now, lovergal said:

I don't go clubbing every weekend - prob once a month and thats when I see her. 

I spend most of my time alone and I like to do something every weekend. I have tried to go hiking with her (she doesnt want to), trying new restaurants/dinner (she finds that boring).

Stop relying on her. You need to join local meetup groups and try to engage with other people that is not her.

[lovergal]

Also another thing she does that I forgot to mention (which I'm not sure why she does it) but when she goes on dates - she always mentions me and asks the guy what they think of me.... lol

[LootieTootie]

Just now, lovergal said:

Also another thing she does that I forgot to mention (which I'm not sure why she does it) but when she goes on dates - she always mentions me and asks the guy what they think of me.... lol

Welp, probably to talk crap with them about you.

[lovergal]

8 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Welp, probably to talk crap with them about you.

I have a big ig following and I'm on dating apps so she said she just wants to know if they know me but she always tells me negative things the guy says "they think youre too out there" but like why does she care? lol i never even mention her on any dates I go on. why would i?

[lovergal]

OH and she indirectly calls me "desperate" and "beg" to be on dating apps.

I know a lot of you are gonna be like why dont you say anything and it's because I feel like she says all of this because SHE is insecure and she is the one with issues. Putting yourself out there requires confidence and i know that's something she could never do.

I told her to meet me at a restaurant for dinner once and she couldn't cus she didnt want to walk in alone.

mind you - she is 32.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, lovergal said:

OH and she....

mind you - she is 32.

Unfortunately you seem like frenemies. And with respect you both seem too old for the club scene. Please consider a healthier lifestyle and healthier friends. 

[LootieTootie]

 

12 minutes ago, lovergal said:

I have a big ig following and I'm on dating apps so she said she just wants to know if they know me but she always tells me negative things the guy says "they think youre too out there" but like why does she care? lol i never even mention her on any dates I go on. why would i?

 

7 minutes ago, lovergal said:

OH and she indirectly calls me "desperate" and "beg" to be on dating apps.

I know a lot of you are gonna be like why dont you say anything and it's because I feel like she says all of this because SHE is insecure and she is the one with issues. Putting yourself out there requires confidence and i know that's something she could never do.

I told her to meet me at a restaurant for dinner once and she couldn't cus she didnt want to walk in alone.

mind you - she is 32.

Sounds like you both are stunting each other's growth.

[lovergal]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you seem like frenemies. And with respect you both seem too old for the club scene. Please consider a healthier lifestyle and healthier friends. 

how are we frenemies?

[lovergal]

5 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

 

 

Sounds like you both are stunting each other's growth.

how so?