Eating Away.

[Plig Magich]

Hi.

I've been divorced for years. Both have moved on with new relationships. One thing just eats away at me even though I know it's self destructive. I'm pretty sure my ex wife cheated during our marriage and specifically a few months after we married. Basically we went to wedding party and she disappeared for ages about the same time a colleague of hers also wasn't in the venue. She was dancing with this guy before for a fair while, which i didn't have a problem with as im not that sort. When she reappeared about an hour later, I didn't say owt as I trusted her. No one else had seen her either as her friends would ask where she was for drinks/dancing with them. She was "odd" afterwards. Anyways we had a normal row over something daft a few weeks later and she said she didn't love me and hadn't for a while. I knew when my wife was serious about something and this was. We had a few weeks of me sleeping in spare room until she said she didn't mean it. I believed it cos I wanted to. Another few weeks later and I took my nephew to watch a football match miles from home. My wife asked me when I would be home too many times iykwim. When I said why, she'd say no reason. It was just weird. She' have regular nights out with her friends and again was odd when she came home every so often. We had a son. One row, my ex was by her own admission argumentative and she said "what makes you think he's yours?" I laughed because he's the image of me but left it. Anyways our marriage kinda ran it's course. We divorce and then 1yr later I gets cancer and she offers to put me up, nurse me and I sees my kids every day. One day whilst just drinking tea and totally out of the blue she asks if I cheated during our marriage. I says no cos I ain't built that way and she replies "oh" and nothing else. Extremely weird atmosphere follows with a silence. I didn't pursue it. 

I'm 99.9% certain she cheated. The rub is I know it's daft, stupid and pointless to ruminate over it but its eating me up decades later. I asked a female friend of hers who my ex wife did admit to having sex with when we were married if she said anything to her and she said no. So she has form, if you like. I really need to know as closure. If there's any advice especially if my overlong and badly worded story rings any bells with readers personal experience. Thanks.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Plig Magich said:

   its eating me up decades later

I'm not sure what will bring you peace after so many decades ago. Hopefully you are taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health and are happy in your current relationship. Perhaps therapy could help you uncover why this is still haunting you. I don't think backtracking and interrogating anyone she knows will give you the peace you're looking for. 

[HeartGoesOn]

4 hours ago, Plig Magich said:

iykwim

Is the word above a typo, or a misspelling?

[boltnrun]

30 minutes ago, HeartGoesOn said:

Is the word above a typo, or a misspelling?

"If you know what I mean".

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Plig Magich said:

We had a son. One row, my ex was by her own admission argumentative and she said "what makes you think he's yours?"

Yikes. This was her guilty conscience talking. That sort of comment doesn't come out of nowhere. 

If I had to guess, yes, she was probably unfaithful to you. There are some signficant red flags for it. However, what does knowing (or not knowing) the truth do for you now? What is going on inside you that this is still gnawing at you after all these years? 

[Plig Magich]

Thanks for the replies. I feel like I just want to know so I can put to bed any feelings of me being paranoid. Kinda like when I got diagnosed with cancer, the news was awful but it was confirmation of my fears and it allowed me to process things. Perhaps things are more acute because I'm adopted and as is v common amongst adoptees there are some issues with attachment and trust. Not crippling by any means more like an annoying itch you can't reach. 

[1a1a]

Cheated or not cheated she definitely turned into not the right person for you and it’s a very good thing you both ended it. 
 

Eckhart Tolle would ask what thoughts are running through your mind while you feel this bad feeling? Are the thoughts caused by the feeling or causing the feeling? It’s true this question might propagate in your mind many times in the future, thoughts are like that. But you have some agency around whether or not you engage in it. I’d recommend observing it has appeared and then directing your attention somewhere else, breathing, a memory that makes you feel good, fresh air and sun on your face (if available), a song you love listening to, the list goes on. 

[shouldhavelearned]

That is terrible

If you've both moved so to say.....

Ask her based on what you explained here

Can't hurt anything and you could live with at least asking to find closure 

[catfeeder]

I'm very sorry you've suffered cancer. Practically speaking, this is not the same as learning your diagnosis, because with that information you were able to start treatment.

If your ex were to tell you that she had cheated, what, exactly, would you intend to DO with that information?

What's stopping you from just assuming that it's the case and giving yourself permission to put it to rest?

Don't make the mistake of telling yourself that this obsession is happening 'to' you, it's a choice. So it's not that you "can't" get past it, it's that you "won't".

You own the power to make a better decision. Start by assuming the worst, and then work that through.