My (31M) girlfriend (21F) keeps crying thinking she hurts me. I am not sure what

[toughlove1993]

I have been with my girlfriend just over a month now and since our first date we connect so well. She has feelings for me and we generally get on really well. However on two occasions now she has made comments and then she gets really upset and cries thinking she was nasty to me and that she has made me sad. For example tonight she told me people at work are telling her she is looking more rough than normal recently and as she was saying this to me she was looking at herself in the mirror and said "ugh I am looking so ugly". She said since she met me she has not been putting as much effort into her looks. Now I did not get sad at this comment, but she felt like she was nasty to me and that she made me sad and all night she was just sad. I tried explaining to her that I find her beautiful regardless and her comments did not make me sad but this did not work. She makes comments like "I like you so much and I hate that I might make you feel sad".  I don't know what to do. We both like each other a lot but I don't want these situations to keep causing her to keep feeling down. This week we have seen each other 4 days so maybe this did not help.
I don't want situations like this to keep occurring. What's the best way to deal with this? She is the sort of person to speak her mind so I am sure she will make other comments in the future and get sad over them again, but I want to know how to best diffuse the situations. Thank you in advance

 

[Batya33]

Speaking ones mind doesn't excuse speaking in this manipulative way - she's baiting you - why tell you she's ugly and share what people at work said (why are they commenting on her looks, anyway?) and not putting effort into her looks now that she "has" you then moaning about how she "hurt" you.  

I would tell her "how about you trust me to tell you if I am offended by something you said or did and you do the same.  It's inevitable that we might argue or not see eye to eye -that's normal and it's not the end of the world or a reason to get this upset.  See if she stops the drama queen/oversharing stuff.

How did you two meet?

[toughlove1993]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Speaking ones mind doesn't excuse speaking in this manipulative way - she's baiting you - why tell you she's ugly and share what people at work said (why are they commenting on her looks, anyway?) and not putting effort into her looks now that she "has" you then moaning about how she "hurt" you.  

I would tell her "how about you trust me to tell you if I am offended by something you said or did and you do the same.  It's inevitable that we might argue or not see eye to eye -that's normal and it's not the end of the world or a reason to get this upset.  See if she stops the drama queen/oversharing stuff.

How did you two meet?

she is very open with me and generally we get on extremely well. I am trying and I told her that if she says something to me that hurt me that I will tell her. I think her openness with me means she will make comments and then regret them thinking that would be perceived as hurtful? I've told her she can feel free to share anything with me so I want her to be open. I just hate it when she gets upset because I hate to see her sad. It has happened twice, I just don't want it to start happening a lot more.

I met her in the work place. She is honestly a lovely person. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Compliments and small things

Shift the topic

Those people could just be forcing the issue

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

I'm met her in the work place. 

Sorry this is happening, you seem to be trying to do the right things reassuring her. Do you still work together? 

How long have you known her? You've only been dating a month and she seems to have self esteem issues or some other problems. 

Does she live at home with parents or go to college?  It's unclear why you're both always so sad after just 30 days dating.

Is this the same woman?:

 

[toughlove1993]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

Does she live at home with parents or go to college?  It's unclear why you're both always so sad after just 30 days dating.

Thank you for your comment.

She does not go college, she works in a supermarket. I only work there once a week.

We're very happy together, it's only on these two occasions that she has got sad. The way she describes it to me is that she hates the thought of her making me sad because she likes me a lot. I just want to know how to best deal with such situations if the occur again.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

Thank you for your comment.

She does not go college, she works in a supermarket. I only work there once a week.

We're very happy together, it's only on these two occasions that she has got sad. The way she describes it to me is that she hates the thought of her making me sad because she likes me a lot. I just want to know how to best deal with such situations if the occur again.

But that’s a silly statement. No one enjoys saying the wrong thing and unintentionally hurting their SO.  And do you really want her to tell you everything?  Like if she thinks you’re looking “rough” do you want her to share that ?  Be careful what you wish for….

[toughlove1993]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

But that’s a silly statement. No one enjoys saying the wrong thing and unintentionally hurting their SO.  And do you really want her to tell you everything?  Like if she thinks you’re looking “rough” do you want her to share that ?  Be careful what you wish for….

She is not really hurting me, I told her if she says anything that hurts me that I would tell her. I don't want her to keep feeling like she has made me sad. She does really care about me- she shows this by so much of her other actions. I want to be able to deal with these scenarios if they happen again. I try to maintain a positive vibe as much as I can to make her realise I am fine. 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

She is not really hurting me, I told her if she says anything that hurts me that I would tell her. I don't want her to keep feeling like she has made me sad. She does really care about me- she shows this by so much of her other actions. I want to be able to deal with these scenarios if they happen again. I try to maintain a positive vibe as much as I can to make her realise I am fine. 

Tell her she doesn’t need to repeat what she said because it’s obvious to you she would prefer never to hurt you even unintentionally so there’s nothing to be concerned about.  You can’t control how she feels. You can only control your reactions and actions around her. 

[MissCanuck]

Tell her to please stop making assumptions about how you feel and what you are thinking. 

13 hours ago, toughlove1993 said:

she told me people at work are telling her she is looking more rough than normal recently and as she was saying this to me she was looking at herself in the mirror and said "ugh I am looking so ugly".

This was her attempt to seek validation and reassurance from you that she looks good. 

While it's fine to reassure her, you need to be careful not to enable this sort of behaviour either. This is an issue she has within herself that she needs to fix. She needs to take accountability for her own insecurities and work on those without projecting them onto you. 

[smackie9]

Self loathing is stemmed from her childhood. Possibly had a parent at an early age told her how horrible she is repeatedly, and later she developed anxiety/depression from it. She has no way of dealing with it/no coping skills to control those thoughts. Reassurance only enables the behavior. She struggles with it so bad, she's had nothing but failed relationships. She knows it's affecting her relationships, yet she doesn't know what to do about it. She's really needs direction. She needs some serious therapy to reverse her way of seeing herself. She needs professional help. 

[Wiseman2]

On 8/3/2023 at 7:09 PM, toughlove1993 said:

she works in a supermarket. I only work there once a week.

 I just want to know how to best deal with such situations if the occur again.

She's very young and perhaps looking for compliments and reassurance.

This seems almost like a lot of variations on the "does this make me look fat?"  style question.  She wants you to reassure and compliment her.

She wants you to say she makes you happy, she's beautiful, etc.  So the correct answer to "if she makes you sad?" is "of course not, you make me happy!". She wants you to say the opposite of what she's concerned about.