Am I being selfish or selfless??

[keity]

We've been together 4 years, we do not live together, we both have roommates. We both have kids and generally, our relationship is wonderful. However, my boyfriend has continued to have hardships essentially the entire relationship. First it was finalizing the divorce from his ex, then it was taking on a new job and being away for 9 months for training, then it was starting that job and all the stress that has come with it, then it was navigating raising his daughter with his ex, then it's family issues, then it's travel stress, plus he is military and is trying to get out and dealing with all the stress of that part of his life too. I'd like to also mention he has PTSD and a traumatic brain injury from his time in combat.

The cycle is this: he is hit with another round of stressful weeks (usually surrounding travel/training) and literally DOES NOT HAVE THE BANDWIDTH to deal with anything extra. He is fully engulfed in his stressful situation and thus, I am sent to the backburner. We have bare minimum communication and it's civil, but also pretty obvious he is miserable and not himself. I am pretty independent and can accept that this is how it's going to be for a while, and I try to do my own thing as long as I can. However, this goes on for 2-4 weeks sometimes and I hit a breaking point where I'm sick of my needs not being met. I'm sick of not feeling connected to my partner, I'm sick of not having meaningful conversations or time spent together. I understand that a lot of it is out of his control and I feel for him, but I am still a human that has needs. And when things are good, he is SO attentive to my needs and the biggest sweetheart. It is like dealing with 2 different people sometimes. And I know that some of this is due to his brain injury etc because he will not even remember the weeks where he is stressed. Then he's back to normal in an instant, which causes other issues. It makes the good times bittersweet because I know the bad times are coming again. It makes it hard for me to adjust sometimes because it's not communicated that he's in a good/bad place because I don't think he realizes.

I am completely and utterly torn on how to deal with or feel about this. I see both sides. I try to be understanding that it's not "if he wanted to, he would" it's "if he had the bandwidth to, he would" because that's truly how it is. He has great intentions. But I do have a breaking point because it does no good to try and address these things while he's in the midst of his stressful times so I wait and wait and before I know it I am exploding because I've had to wait too long to be like hey, I'm still here and dealing with this also. I don't feel like my side of the struggle is appreciated until I am trying to explain it once again.

Am I being insensitive to his plight? Am I deserving of more of my needs being met? Is there an obvious way to deal with this cycle that I'm missing?? Any insight would be greatly appreciated because I think I'm just confused since it's a complex situation. Thanks in advance.

[smackie9]

Why should you "deal" with his issues? This is who and how he is. If there's no change in 4 years I doubt very highly things will get any better. It's up to you whether this is worth a life time to deal with. It wouldn't be selfish if you just said "I had enough, I can't do this anymore" and end it. I don't think it's fair for you to give up your happiness just for a few crumbs of when he is good/attentive. Girl you deserve better than that. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Even though you're compassionate to his issues, you may have to watch out for yourself and your child first.

Unfortunately his situation is sad but you're not happy and eventually your resentment can grow. Reflect if there is a kind way to get your needs met by the right type of man, without hurting him if you decide it's not working.

[Batya33]

I think you tell him the on off doesn’t work for you in a romantic relationship and you’d like to stay in touch as friends and perhaps chat and check in.  And if he needs support you’re happy to help him find a good therapist or resources.  

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, keity said:

I'm just confused since it's a complex situation.

It's not complex, really. 

He's got several issues that might not be his fault, but they render a relationship essentially impossible. It's not getting better after 4 years. He may be a decent man with honest intentions but that doesn't mean  he is capable of being a partner to you. He is clearly not. 

It would not be selfish of you end this respectfully. 

[cat8]

This is a very complex situation indeed. You need to reorganize & structure each area of focus to start. Quick advice is not the answer. His brain injury is an ongoing impediment to your respective Union but he must start to realize triggers/negative history repeating.

As the two of you go forward it’s always going to be a “reset” button that sets you both back further each time. Sit down with him in a calm moment, map out new ways to strategize where/when/how being proactive with healthier & positive reactions will establish constructive patterns of behavior as opposed to negative/toxic/destructive reactions that shut down communication.