Fell in love with someone else and scared of disappointing family

[Ih01]

I M21 have a girlfriend F23 long distance in China but met in the uk, I'm in the UK, for just over a year. I, 5 months ago met someone out of the blue and she is F16 which ik sounds concerning, but is both legal here and in the US where she resides, she is far more mature than her age, and we have her parents full approval. She is everything I've wanted in a relationship. I met her only recently in person and we just were a house on fire and I met her whole family and everyone even the grandparents approve. Her mum and stepdad met when she was 16 and he was 25 so they are more accepting and I'm sure I'll get a lot of heat for her being 16. Any younger and I would never have gotten feelings. I've never broken up with someone before and was so scared to and now I feel stuck. I wanted to travel to meet her and I haven't lost feelings fully for her and I am so terrified of hurting her and disappointing her family. I am also terrified of what my family will think of me having a girlfriend that is 16 as my stepsister was 16 and pregnant from a 19 year old. They were furious, moreso at the stupidity of the more responsible male being irresponsible and her being pregnant so I hope they would approve and if not I don't really mind and will continue anyway as my parents were always so controlling of my life. And now I have my right to autonomy of course I want their approval and won't be so happy if I don't but I will do what's best for me and makes me happiest. Please help and how on earth can I let F23 down gently as I know she has suicidal thoughts etc that's the main reason I feel stuck because I do care for her as a person she never did anything wrong I just fell for someone else.

[smackie9]

If you can't bring yourself to breakup with someone then you are not really ready to have actual adult relationships. It's part of the deal. So you might want to not have any real serious relationships for awhile. I tell you this, if you have a 23 year old that freaks out at the through of a breakup, just think how a 16 year old will handle it....it will be worse. The reality is, relationships will come and go in your life, and you will be faced with this again and again. 

If you want to move on then you just do that. Suicidal threats is a tool of manipulation, that's all that is. She has family you can contact them to let them go to her aid if need be. Not your problem. 

Mom talk: I don't care about her age BUT when she turns 18/19, she's gonna dump you because she will want to explore dating as an adult, maybe go to clubs and meet guys. IMO you are robbing her of her youth. She may seem mature, but her brain is still developing and she should be able to experience life as a teenager, like hanging out with her friends, going to parties, etc. The way I see it, her parents are using her like chattel to maybe get some money into the family I don't know but what they are accepting isn't right nor is it a stable choice.  

[LotusBlack]

If you are someone who operates with integrity within a relationship, you don’t just up and leave it so casually with the click of your fingers because you “caught feelings” for someone else like they’re floating down a river and you think “oh, hey, feelings! Let me catch a couple!”

A mature, responsible adult who has integrity can recognise if they are experiencing interest in someone other than their partner and is able to view it as an issue that threatens the health and well-being of said relationship. They then actively take steps, with their partner, to address and repair the issue with earnestness as that is the commitment you make when you enter into a serious relationship. If, after attempting to repair the relationship, they are unsuccessful, they should then end it.

What you have done in your situation is not protected your relationship or even attempted to work through challenges with your girlfriend before deciding to toss it away for a 16 year old you really don’t know. This, to me, is a huge red flag, and I would not feel safe or confident in your feelings for me if I were your girlfriend. I think, at this stage, you are not emotionally mature enough or responsible enough to be in a serious relationship, which is the only kind of relationship one can endeavour to have when considering navigating long-distance partnerships, otherwise such relationships will never survive.

I think you should end your relationship with your girlfriend because you do not love her, and do not pursue a relationship with the 16-year-old because you (and she) are not mature enough to be in one together.

Also, regarding the legalities of a relationship - double check the laws where you are because it may be legal for two minors to engage in a sexual relationship after the age of 16, but a legal adult, such as you are, with a legal minor, such as she is, is not allowed in many regions and may be considered statutory r*** regardless of both parties having consented to the activity.

[SooSad33]

Yeah, you're 23 and been involved about a year with some gal who's half way across the world?  I don't feel you're all in this 'long distance' relationship at all.  It is VERY hard to have something like that be successful.  You lack in the ability to truly be able to 'bond' in any way.

So, now you found someone closer .  Makes sense and now you have to speak up & be honest with yourself and this gal in China.  Then call her ( and write it down if you must before you call).

You're still young & learning.  It happens.  She'll get over it. 

As for this 'new one', who is only 16 ......  That's a possible problem.  ( And, should this one not work do not even think about reaching out again to the one in china!  Respectfully move on).

I do agree with this though - 

1 hour ago, LotusBlack said:

regarding the legalities of a relationship - double check the laws where you are because it may be legal for two minors to engage in a sexual relationship after the age of 16, but a legal adult, such as you are, with a legal minor, such as she is, is not allowed in many regions and may be considered statutory r*** regardless of both parties having consented to the activity.

 

[boltnrun]

How often do you see the girlfriend in China IN PERSON? Not over an electronic device such as a video camera, but physically in person?