How to differentiate between friendship and feelings?

[SooSad33]

17 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

but she didn’t call me two nights ago, last night I was supposed to go to her house but she wasn’t feeling too great so I decided not to, that was when she declined my massage advance.  Then today I’ve barely heard from her… it took her 7 hours to respond to me.   I feel like these things are proof she isn’t feeling it, even if she previously was

Yeah, anxiety is never good! 😉 , lol.

So what.. 7 hrs to respond.  Try not to over look that too much - we never know what's going on at their end. ( like you said, she wasn't feeling very well) 😕 .

And sometimes, people think they replied when they didn't , or just forgot totally to respond back, etc.  Or, things could be 'settling down' more atm, so she doesn't feel the need to keep up so sharply as she has been = comfort mode.  .. Who knows?

But, you'll see in time. 

[Batya33]

56 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Obviously the gap is a concern. It’s not like we have to commit life-long to each other, most relationships fail anyhow even absent of a gap. It could just be a passing connection, I don’t know.  I can’t help that I have feelings for her. 
 

neither of us have or want kids, and I don’t really work. I’ve done well for myself and have passive incomes setup. That’s how we’re able to spend so much time together 

 

but anyway, this saga is on pause until and unless I hear from her again 

Of course we can’t control our feelings.  That’s never a justification to get involved with the wrong person or an unavailable person. I’ve had crushes on married men. In my life. I couldn’t help it. But I didn’t act on my crush. Because that I could help. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

I don’t think it’s a justification to do the wrong thing. But I’m also not convinced anything she or I are doing is “wrong.”

 

is it for everyone? No. Is it for she and I? I don’t know.  I’ve been with several women my age/- and those relationships failed too. 70% of marriages end in divorce.  People are just messy in general.  
 

I’ll do what feels right for me, whatever that may be. Whether or not it’s her is to be determined. 

[rainbowsandroses]

23 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

The other problem is too that after she showed me the bikini photos I can’t stop having sexual fantasies about her … just being honest  

The bigger problem is you're all HOT for her and fantasizing about her because of pics of herself taken YEARS ago.  

Does she still look like this?  No which is why she sent the old ones. So basically you're getting all hot and fantasizing over fake pics.  

Earth to @NighttimeNightmare, you need to get grounded in realty here.

IF your feelings are genuine and not based on what amount to fake pics taken years ago then continue seeing her, exercise self-control and allow it to play out in real time.

My first boyfriend and I were literally just friends for an entire year before one night, after a few glasses of wine and the right opportunity, he kissed me.  He admitted to wanting to kiss me from the beginning but held back, unsure how I felt. 

We dated for four years after that night.

 

 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

I don’t think it’s a justification to do the wrong thing. But I’m also not convinced anything she or I are doing is “wrong.”

 

is it for everyone? No. Is it for she and I? I don’t know.  I’ve been with several women my age/- and those relationships failed too. 70% of marriages end in divorce.  People are just messy in general.  
 

I’ll do what feels right for me, whatever that may be. Whether or not it’s her is to be determined. 

I don’t think it’s wrong either. I think it’s a bad idea overall. Doing what feels right can be tricky when you’re this intense and she’s withdrawing. Then it might be mostly about the thrill of the chase. Not her as a person. As you mentioned it takes two. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

 She’s 29 years my senior.  she’s been being quite short with me the past couple of days. 

Have you heard from her? It's possible she's self-conscious about the age difference. You mentioned she's having health problems? You could just send a breif checking in type of text.

[NighttimeNightmare]

34 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

The bigger problem is you're all HOT for her and fantasizing about her because of pics of herself taken YEARS ago.  

Does she still look like this?  No which is why she sent the old ones. So basically you're getting all hot and fantasizing over fake pics.  

Earth to @NighttimeNightmare, you need to get grounded in realty here.

IF your feelings are genuine and not based on what amount to fake pics taken years ago then continue seeing her, exercise self-control and allow it to play out in real time.

My first boyfriend and I were literally just friends for an entire year before one night, after a few glasses of wine and the right opportunity, he kissed me.  He admitted to wanting to kiss me from the beginning but held back, unsure how I felt. 

We dated for four years after that night.

 

 

Lol my comment has been taken out of context here.  I thought she was attractive well before I saw the bikini photos. I had sexual feelings for her prior to ever seeing those photos. We’ve been having the phone calls for awhile now, the connection we’ve developed is where my attraction to here came out of. I didn’t receive the photos until very recently.. a handful of days ago. 
 

but when I saw the photos it all sort of made sense and the feelings became more pronounced. I think it was moreso something to do with the act of her sharing those photos with me that turned me on.  But also, the way she holds herself, and moves, and her reference points…. She’s an attractive woman so seeing those pics just solidified it. It’s not “fake” it’s a part of who she is and a part of discovering her. But who she is now, in the present, is who I’m attracted to. 
 

if my attraction to her were based solely on older photos I’d go find a woman my own age. I’m in shape and have no issue getting attractive, fit women. I enjoy my connection with this particular individual regardless of her age 

[NighttimeNightmare]

55 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don’t think it’s wrong either. I think it’s a bad idea overall. Doing what feels right can be tricky when you’re this intense and she’s withdrawing. Then it might be mostly about the thrill of the chase. Not her as a person. As you mentioned it takes two. 

I’m not interested in chasing anyone. I’ve never had that issue hence why I just want to know if she’s into me or not cause I refuse to (a) chase, or (b) make a fool of myself

also I’m not interested in messing with someone I care about, I wouldn’t use her as some object to fulfill a weird “thrill” on my end.  I’m trying to be mindful of her feelings 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Lol my comment has been taken out of context here.  I thought she was attractive well before I saw the bikini photos. I had sexual feelings for her prior to ever seeing those photos. We’ve been having the phone calls for awhile now, the connection we’ve developed is where my attraction to here came out of. I didn’t receive the photos until very recently.. a handful of days ago. 
 

but when I saw the photos it all sort of made sense and the feelings became more pronounced.  Like the way she holds herself, and moves, and her reference points…. She’s an attractive woman so seeing those pics just solidified it. It’s not “fake” it’s a part of who she is and a part of discovering her. But who she is now, in the present, is who I’m attracted to 

Fair enough.  The written word can sometimes be ambiguous, open for misinterpretation. 

Did you read the last 2 paragraphs detailing what I experienced with my first boyfriend?

Being friends with him for an entire year before becoming romantically involved?

Any thoughts on that?

[NighttimeNightmare]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Fair enough.  The written word can be ambiguous, open for misinterpretation. 

 

Thank you for allowing me to clarify.  
 

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Did you read the last 2 paragraphs detailing what I experienced with my first boyfriend?

Being friends with my first boyfriend for an entire year before becoming romantically involved?

Any thoughts on that?

Yes. I think it’s nice… I personally tend to believe the best relationships often form out of a healthy friendship

 

im not interested in trying to force something romantic with anyone, I’d want it to happen naturally as well. These feelings I have for her came unexpectedly after some months of just being around one another but I’m trying to be considerate and mindful. 
 

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you heard from her? It's possible she's self-conscious about the age difference. You mentioned she's having health problems? You could just send a breif checking in type of text.

I heard from her a bit ago. She said she’s in really bad pain, really bad.  And that she appreciates our friendship 🤷‍♂️ 

 

I guess that’s why she’s been MIA and I should just believe her and give her space. 
 

my ex would lie about everything and blow everything up which caused me to be hyper-aware of small changes in behavior as it usually meant there’d be hell.  But I am trying to remind myself that this person is not disordered and is probably not operating like that and I just need to relax and let her go through what she’s going through 

[Batya33]

Physical pain or mental? I’m sorry she’s feeling so poorly 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

I heard from her a bit ago. She said she’s in really bad pain, really bad.  And that she appreciates our friendship 🤷‍♂️ 

Well this isn't about your ex. Does she have health problems that you are aware of? 

How much do you know about her? Is she widowed? Divorced? Working? Retired? Does she have kids?  Grandkids? What ages? Does she live alone or have people nearby who help her out?

It's good you checked in on her. Some seniors can get lonely and isolated.

[NighttimeNightmare]

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Physical pain or mental? I’m sorry she’s feeling so poorly 

Physical, she just had a surgery. But i think it’s affecting her mentally too because she’s always been super active and now she has an injury. 
 

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well this isn't about your ex. Does she have health problems that you are aware of? 

 

No, it’s not, thank god. But I’m still left with behavioral changes from being around someone super unhealthy. Hence why I’m actively reminding myself this is a completely different individual 

 

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How much do you know about her? Is she widowed? Divorced? Working? Retired? Does she have kids?  Grandkids? What ages? Does she live alone or have people nearby who help her out?

 

Neither of us have or want kids.  We both recently moved to the area… but she has a group of friends she’s made out here that can, and have, help out.  She was married once a long time ago

 

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's good you checked in on her. Some seniors can get lonely and isolated.

She’s super social and socially active. But I imagine now that she’s retired life is probably a bit more empty 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

 I’m still left with behavioral changes from being around someone super unhealthy. 

Now that you're in a new area it's great you're meeting people and making friends. Do you work? Does this lady live near you?

Why not address this? You can't keep blaming an ex or failed relationship on how you are now and what you're doing about it.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get a some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. It's best not to drag around unresolved baggage with you.

In the meantime, join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses and broaden your social horizons. You seem outgoing enough to make friends and that helps.

 

[Type O Negative]

2 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Obviously the gap is a concern. It’s not like we have to commit life-long to each other, most relationships fail anyhow even absent of a gap. It could just be a passing connection, I don’t know.  I can’t help that I have feelings for her. 
 

neither of us have or want kids, and I don’t really work. I’ve done well for myself and have passive incomes setup. That’s how we’re able to spend so much time together 

 

but anyway, this saga is on pause until and unless I hear from her again 

Don't worry about the age gap. You're both adults and free to do whatever you want. This is not about anything long term - it could be a fantastic fling of a few months? longer even? for both of you. And her mood last time most likely had nothing to do with you.  I'd give her a couple of days and then text 'Hey! Is everything okay?' Oh and no way am I sending a bloke I don't at least somewhat fancy any bikini pics!!

[rainbowsandroses]

10 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

She’s super social and socially active. But I imagine now that she’s retired life is probably a bit more empty 

How much older is she?  You're 30 and she's retired?  35 year age difference?

I realize age is just a number but that's a lot of years! 

[Type O Negative]

19 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

How much older is she?  You're 30 and she's retired?  35 year age difference?

I realize age is just a number but that's a lot of years! 

Age is anything but just a number, yet there's absolutely nothing wrong with a 30 something man  dating a 60 something woman, whatever the dating may or may not lead to. MHO 

[rainbowsandroses]

47 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

Age is anything but just a number, yet there's absolutely nothing wrong with a 30 something man  dating a 60 something woman, whatever the dating may or may not lead to. MHO 

I didn't say there was anything "wrong" with it.

All I said is it's a lot of years, which it is. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Now that you're in a new area it's great you're meeting people and making friends. Do you work? Does this lady live near you?

Why not address this? You can't keep blaming an ex or failed relationship on how you are now and what you're doing about it.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get a some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. It's best not to drag around unresolved baggage with you.

In the meantime, join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses and broaden your social horizons. You seem outgoing enough to make friends and that helps.

 

I don’t feel like I’m blaming anything on anything or anyone. I’m merely acknowledging that I seem to have some sort of knee-jerk expectation rearing its head here and have identified it as being leftovers from being with someone unhealthy in those ways. I don’t feel like I’m punishing this new person for any of that. In fact, I’m here trying to get my feelings in check so I *dont* put this person in harms way. 
 

yes I’m super social and have a community I’m involved with and friends. We all host dinner parties and do that sort of thing. I am involved in a yoga class etc. 

 

she lives very close to me 

[NighttimeNightmare]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

How much older is she?  You're 30 and she's retired?  35 year age difference?

I realize age is just a number but that's a lot of years! 

Naw she’s 29 years older than me, not that it’s much difference than 35 years at that point. 
 

this is the thing about it… I didn’t mean for this to happen and I’m shocked. Never in my wildest dreams would I have been attracted to someone so much older. I’ve accepted it. I love being around her, I love her voice, I love the out of pocket comments she makes, I am utterly captivated by her when we talk to the point hours go by and it doesn’t seem like it 

 

so because these types of connections are so rare for me, it’s something that I value… regardless of her age.  I’d rather spend time with her than a 28 year old who I’m sitting there bored out of my mind with 

[rainbowsandroses]

16 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

So because these types of connections are so rare for me, it’s something that I value… regardless of her age.  I’d rather spend time with her than a 28 year old who I’m sitting there bored out of my mind with 

Totally understand and I'm the same.  

In the grand scheme, it's about the connection not the number. 

Hope it works out for you both. 🙂

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

Update

 

ok so we had a conversation and she confirmed this has nothing to do with me and she’s trying to get her pain managed but that she didn’t want to stop our calls or meeting at the venue, and that she values my friendship 

 

if I keep getting the same feeling during the calls I’ll try to figure out if there’s anything more there on her end 

[Wonderstruck]

22 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

so because these types of connections are so rare for me, it’s something that I value… regardless of her age.  I’d rather spend time with her than a 28 year old who I’m sitting there bored out of my mind with 

I just want to say that I find this take so refreshing.

I'm rooting for you. ❤️

[Batya33]

21 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Update

 

ok so we had a conversation and she confirmed this has nothing to do with me and she’s trying to get her pain managed but that she didn’t want to stop our calls or meeting at the venue, and that she values my friendship 

 

if I keep getting the same feeling during the calls I’ll try to figure out if there’s anything more there on her end 

I’m hoping she feels better. Ask yourself if you’re ok with platonic friends. If you are it’s perfectly ok to ask her not to act in such a flirtatious way because it confuses you.