Feeling lost

[itsme53]

I have been talking to a guy on and off for a few months. He came on strong, then backed off saying he is travelling a lot and is considering moving. I feel an intense connection to him even though we have only seen 3 times. Lots of deep conversation and flirting and we have the same outlook on life. Very hot and cold though. 5 months after meeting he said he will be living in Europe for a few months and met someone he'd like to date. He said that he was only physically attracted to me, even though he said he liked my mind and my values before. I know we don't know each other well and not much happened, but I'm devastated and feeling lost. I know I should just move on, but not sure why it's hard to

[shouldhavelearned]

How old are both of you?

Patience and not rushing will be the key most times.

Three meetings...in a couple of months?

He clearly stated he was just physically attracted....wanting sex.

Move on 

[greendots]

Sorry to hear you're feeling lost.

A guy you've seen three times made it very clear that he's only physically attracted to you and you're struggling to let go.

I believe that thinking of him/hearing from him makes you feel wonderful––maybe he gives you hope, maybe it feels really good that a cute guy is attracted to you, etc. So, by associating him with positive sensations (e.g. intense connection) you're giving those feeling power over you. Thereby making it harder for you to move on.

I'd focus on his negative personality traits to break that spell. Additionally, try to meet other men locally as that might also help you get over a guy who's not that keen on you.

Hot and cold = lukewarm = not really that interested.

 

[itsme53]

He came on strong initially wanting a relationship. Then he backed off saying he was planning on travelling extensively and likely moving out state so he didn't want to waste my time. But he did say we connected immediately and hit it off - he liked my mind and that was important to him. Then he turned hot and cold and said he didn't want to waste my time. When I asked him if he wanted to explore something further, he said it was physical attraction only.

[itsme53]

I'm in my 40s and he is in his 30s. He said age isnt an issue and values matter a ton to him. Sharing the same values are important and we have the same outlook on life.

[MissCanuck]

56 minutes ago, itsme53 said:

I know I should just move on

You're not going to have much choice but to do so, OP. 

He's made it clear he doesn't want a relationship with you. Seeing each other three times is not really coming on strong. His actions didn't match his words there. 

It's time to cut all contact with him. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, itsme53 said:

When I asked him if he wanted to explore something further, he said it was physical attraction only.

So why cant you believe him?

[itsme53]

Because a while back he said he regretted not gettting together again and wanted to give things a try. He said if we fell in love, he'd stay.

[Kwothe28]

37 minutes ago, itsme53 said:

Because a while back he said he regretted not gettting together again and wanted to give things a try. He said if we fell in love, he'd stay.

And now he says that he didnt fell in love and that its only physical. So again, in the light of new evidence, why you dont believe him?

I know its hard because you fell in love and thought its something more. But the man literally told you what it was about. Just accept that and move on.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Perhaps he's the "girl in every port" type of guy. 

Please delete and block him so you can move forward in peace. Certainly you seem interested in something more than just drive-by dating. 

He probably did like you, but he's not relationship material.

[smackie9]

Reality check: He been blowing smoke up yer butt/ a smooth operator. You have been bamboozled by his whispers of sweet nothings in your ear. Be more cautious next time and don't get so invested. Find a guy that is more available. Hot/cold people are to be avoided at all costs. 

[greendots]

10 hours ago, itsme53 said:

Then he backed off saying he was planning on travelling extensively and likely moving out state so he didn't want to waste my time.

Not really that interested. Otherwise, he'd find a way to see you–make you a priority.

 

10 hours ago, itsme53 said:

But he did say we connected immediately and hit it off - he liked my mind and that was important to him.

He's giving you a compliment, but that doesn't mean he's interested in having a relationship with you. It's also a 'graceful' way to reject someone. "You are incredible, but..."

Wouldn't it be nice to be with a man who doesn't need to be persuaded to appreciate you romantically? A man who is besotted by who you are and voluntarily aches to see you again, without you having to push for this to happen.

[SooSad33]

13 hours ago, itsme53 said:

I know we don't know each other well and not much happened, but I'm devastated and feeling lost. I know I should just move on, but not sure why it's hard to

Sometimes, when we fancy someone we can 'feel' something kinda quickly.. But it's not 'real'. As you mentioned you only met up a few times.

By sounds of it you had high hopes and maybe some emotional attachment.  BUT, it's not really there.  Nothing truly developed with him.

Now, you need to work through these emotions and may take some time.. but you keep workin on it.  You need to convince yourself it wasn't real.

Like he said, it was just physical. that's the easy part.  We all look and sometimes like what we see 😉 .  But, there needs to be much more there for success.

Give it time.. but now you walk away and have no more to do with him.

[Sindy_0311]

I think there is a big age gap. You are 40 right? Do you have kids yet? Or do want to build a family? He is 30, at this age I guess the majority of single guys are still playing the field a bit until they find the right woman to start a family with… and you are not. 

you have been in contact for 5 month and seeing each other only 3 times because he had to travel but still so, communication (the only thing you have) has been inconsistent, hot and cold. 
he told you that if he felt in love he would consider a relashionship. But he didn’t, and it’s been 5 month. Best way for you to turn the page is to just accept that he doesn’t like you. He likes your physical apparence, your mind (like a friend would) but he didn’t develop any feeling towards you >> The reason why he doesn’t want a relationship with you. 
When a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship with you. you should take it very seriously and move on. 
I suggest you stop contact with him…. He is not your man. 
See I’m 39, I’ve been dating a lot of younger guys last year. Today there is a young Italian one who reached out te me, he’s 25, still a baby. He said he wanted to see me again, to try again. But I told him that I was looking for someone who is at the same point in life than me. I think your guy is way to young. I have my own theory according to age gap: 20/30,40/50 is ok but 30/40 is the worse because people change a lot from 30 to 40. They usually get kids, establish, marry etc…just let him go find his girl… and you, start dating guys a bit older, from 38 its fine… 

 

[itsme53]

20 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I think there is a big age gap. You are 40 right? Do you have kids yet? Or do want to build a family? 

 

Never been married, no kids but would like to build a family. I guess I know a few people that have a sucessful age gap relationship/marriage. I know I need to let go, but dont know why its hard with this one. I'm usually quick to walk away when things don't look good.

[Sindy_0311]

What is it you like about him? 

[itsme53]

40 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

What is it you like about him? 

He's driven, ambitious, funny and honest. We share the same outlook in life, especially family values, poltics, etc. He did say a lot of the back and forth was due to him not being settled personally, so it caused a lot of confusion on his part. He wasn't happy with his job, he is considering moving out of the state or county and he was travelling a lot this year for work and personal. He didnt want to lead me on and said he didnt know if something long term was possible due to these reasons. We kept in touch after he told me this and I was hoping for something to develop organically since he was being flirty. But then he said it was it was just physical for him.

[Sindy_0311]

17 minutes ago, itsme53 said:

He's driven, ambitious, funny and honest. We share the same outlook in life, especially family values, poltics, etc. He did say a lot of the back and forth was due to him not being settled personally, so it caused a lot of confusion on his part. He wasn't happy with his job, he is considering moving out of the state or county and he was travelling a lot this year for work and personal. He didnt want to lead me on and said he didnt know if something long term was possible due to these reasons. We kept in touch after he told me this and I was hoping for something to develop organically since he was being flirty. But then he said it was it was just physical for him.

I think he is a honest person. But he isn’t ready to have a serious relationship with you or any woman. In this case I suggest you just consider it was wrong timing. Would he be 40, already going through his struggles with work etc, maybe you both could have made it work. But it’s not the case. So my advise is you send him a last text explaining you prefer to move on, stop contact and wish him well.
it will take you some time to get over him, maybe two or three month but you will manage it… believe me, it’s in your best interest. 

[itsme53]

7 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I think he is a honest person. But he isn’t ready to have a serious relationship with you or any woman. In this case I suggest you just consider it was wrong timing. Would he be 40, already going through his struggles with work etc, maybe you both could have made it work. But it’s not the case. So my advise is you send him a last text explaining you prefer to move on, stop contact and wish him well.
it will take you some time to get over him, maybe two or three month but you will manage it… believe me, it’s in your best interest. 

Thanks. My brain knows thats the right thing to do, but emotionally this one is tough for some reason. I usually can let go of someone easily if its not going right. Thats why I'm struggling feeling lost and confused.

[Sindy_0311]

It’s tough because you might have developed deep feelings for him. It was easier with other guys surely because you didn’t feel them like this one. It’s not easy to let go someone, or  even fantasy, it’s a loss… but it’s possible and you will get stronger after you did. Just give yourself some time…  

“Creation comes when you learn to say no” 

The power of goodbye - Madonna