Help me see clearer about the last one...

[Batya33]

I learned a lot more as far as screening  with a 15-20 minute phone call after a few messages. That sort of interaction revealed voice tone, conversation skills , whether he was allowing himself to be distracted by whatever etc. I think often people who prolong texting before meeting are more likely to turn to sexting because in reality they want to flirt online as the top priority as opposed to meeting for a potential relationship.  

Sure some see typing as a way to get to know someone before a first meet but if a person is wanting to meet ASAP and has a nice life texting over a period of days with a stranger is a waste of time IMO.  I had zero time to message over days with a stranger. When I was actively dating to meet people I’d meet 3-4 people a week plus go to singles events etc.

 not a good look if someone is that available to text with a stranger. Better impression if they see motivation to meet in person plus the person is obviously living her life. 

[Sindy_0311]

32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. Way too many red flags. Unemployed, on the rebound, hard luck stories about being robbed, still married, superficial charm, etc.

Let me explain something about my ex husband. When I decided to divorce, he went through many things. He had financial issues, alcohol abusing that made him loose his license for a few month, and he had a hard time detaching from me. after 3 month he decided to start dating, he met a girl online, but he confessed to me that she wasnt really his type, (brunette and a bit overweighted, he likes skinny blondes) anyway he dated many other girls and they somehow kept in touch and after 16 month they met again. Now he is all into her because he got his *** together and is ready to build something. Would she have blocked him at that time, they wouldn't have what they have now.

So let me rephrase the title of this thread: Should I block him?

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Let me explain something about my ex husband. When I decided to divorce, he went through many things. He had financial issues, alcohol abusing that made him loose his license for a few month, and he had a hard time detaching from me. after 3 month he decided to start dating, he met a girl online, but he confessed to me that she wasnt really his type, (brunette and a bit overweighted, he likes skinny blondes) anyway he dated many other girls and they somehow kept in touch and after 16 month they met again. Now he is all into her because he got his *** together and is ready to build something. Would she have blocked him at that time, they wouldn't have what they have now.

So let me rephrase the title of this thread: Should I block him?

I don’t agree. People who want to be together but aren’t available step up to the plate and say “I don’t have my s together. I can’t date right now. Can I call you when I do and if you’re still interested and available we can talk about it ?  “. Then no contact. A man who wants a woman in his future wouldn’t mess around with vague and silly texts. 
this guy barely dated you. Then he said bye I’m not available and went back on the dating app. He didn’t tell you / humbly/ I’d love to court and date you again when I sort out these issues and I’m REALLY sorry i was all over you when I shouldn’t have been. Can we talk in the future if things change ?  Totally understand if I messed up “

 

[Sindy_0311]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He didn’t tell you / humbly/ I’d love to court and date you again when I sort out these issues and I’m REALLY sorry i was all over you when I shouldn’t have been. Can we talk in the future if things change ?  Totally understand if I messed up “

 

Yeah, in an ideal world, surrounded only by 100% healthy people, they would say that... 

But me personally, I would never tell a guy leave me sometime to get my *** together and I will contact you again. This is exactly how you get people string along. 

he told me on the phone that right now he couldn't, and I replied that I prefer cut contact and move on. 

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 my ex husband. When I decided to divorce, he went through many things. He had financial issues, alcohol abusing that made him loose his license for a few month, 

If this current man has financial issues and is unemployed, you would prefer to wait until he figures that out? 

Personally I do not view deleting or blocking as a hostile maneuver. I view it as a definitive closure to a deadend situation. To remove clutter and cut losses. 

If you really liked this man and want to keep the door open in the event he finds employment and recovers financially, that's ok. Please try to make sure there's not a pattern of rescuing down and out men, if that's not what you're hoping for.

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Yeah, in an ideal world, surrounded only by 100% healthy people, they would say that... 

But me personally, I would never tell a guy leave me sometime to get my *** together and I will contact you again. This is exactly how you get people string along. 

he told me on the phone that right now he couldn't, and I replied that I prefer cut contact and move on. 

No I don’t think that standard is unrealistic. At all. I don’t think it’s stringing along to humbly ask if in the future he can contact and totally understands if you’ve moved on. 
I don’t think only 100% healthy people behave reasonably and thoughtfully and with kindness. I live in the real world. I think you have unrealistic expectations of being able to build a potentially serious relationship and having sex with near strangers. Fairly Often relationships begin that way I’m sure. I think it’s far less likely and far far riskier in every way. 

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you really liked this man and want to keep the door open in the event he finds employment and recovers financially, that's ok.

Yeah but isn't it dangerous. I mean I should be able to decide if I want to leave the door open or not. but in this case I can't because I don't have enough perspective on this yet. it's to recent. That's why your objective views are important. 

On one hand, I can leave him access to me, knowing that I might expect or hope for a few weeks that  he will reach out, until I find someone else I will be attracted to...

And on the other hand I should be able to decide for myself. Block him and consider it's dead. (But I still have this doubt about his real intentions...)

 

 

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Yeah but isn't it dangerous. I mean I should be able to decide if I want to leave the door open or not. but in this case I can't because I don't have enough perspective on this yet. it's to recent. That's why your objective views are important. 

On one hand, I can leave him access to me, knowing that I might expect or hope for a few weeks that  he will reach out, until I find someone else I will be attracted to...

And on the other hand I should be able to decide for myself. Block him and consider it's dead. (But I still have this doubt about his real intentions...)

 

 

I would refrain from being in contact because you barely know him and shouldn’t be giving him the benefit of your companionship when it’s convenient for him.  No need to block if he’s safe.  “Thanks so much for your text. If you’re ever interested in a potential relationship feel free to contact me and if I’m interested and available I’ll consider it. Please don’t contact me otherwise. Thanks and take care “ giving him this sort of access tells him you’re willing to settle for scraps. He’s available for dating and hookups I guess via the app and you don’t know him well enough to know if his actions will match his words as far as interest in a potential relationship with you. My sense is if he really wanted that chance with you he wouldn’t risk sending you flirty texts or knowing you can tell if he’s on the app. 

[Sindy_0311]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would refrain from being in contact because you barely know him and shouldn’t be giving him the benefit of your companionship when it’s convenient for him

Yes totally agree. I meant leaving him access to me in the sense that if he wants to contact me in a few weeks/months I would let him do by not blocking him. But clearly I won't communicate with him in the meanwhile. 

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

  “Thanks so much for your text. If you’re ever interested in a potential relationship feel free to contact me and if I’m interested and available I’ll consider it. Please don’t contact me otherwise. Thanks and take care “

Usually they show up with some casual "how you doing" text just to test the waters... If he does, I will stay polite, respond but also show some reserve. 

From my experience, guys often reach out after a few weeks to two month, just enough time for them to wonder why I'm not chasing or reaching out. They start to feel uneasy or curious about it. But often times it's just for an ego boost or need of validation. Also know that leaving a guy alone, let him go trough his process, his(disappointing) new dates and fix the issues he has to can sometimes help to re-trigger interest. But its not a sure thing though. We will see... 

 

[boltnrun]

From what you've written it seems you really, really like this guy and are hoping he does "re-trigger interest" and want to date you again. Yes?

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

So let me rephrase the title of this thread: Should I block him?

Yes!

Look at it in a different way. Would you rather

a) wait for this guy to change his mind about you (which has very little shot of actually happening)

b) leave this guy in the past where he belongs without added baggage of you waiting for him and maybe meet somebody new and way better

"Option b" is way better option for you in general. Because "option a" may never even happen considering the circumstances. Also, considering the same circumstances, why would you even want to wait for this man? He is a dud, and a huge one.

[kehratha]

Sindy,

I think you missed the red flags because you really really liked the guy. Italians can be very charming and very WARM, exactly what we miss/need when we are single.

I see you don't really like the sound of "love bombing" , but this was exactly what he did, compliments "miss you", consistency in texting and "feeling uneasy" because you didn't reciprocate the frequency bla bla. 

Like the others, I also think that bringing up financial issues when he already started to act cold toward you, it was an easy way out, even if they are true.

So, I would not hold my breath for this one. He's not dating you not because he's broke, he's not dating you because he simply doesn't like you enough. Even if he will contact you again, it will be not a compliment, because you don't need a guy who has second thoughts about you . You are young, smart and pretty (that' s just a feeling as I don't know you:D) , block him.

P.S I saw few times "love bombers" who were really into that person and commit to them, it was just the way they treat women 🙂 

 

[Sindy_0311]

7 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

He is a dud, and a huge one.

well I don't know exactly the signification of dud, you mean he is a failure?

16 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

"Option b" is way better option for you in general. Because "option a" may never even happen considering the circumstances. 

oh crap... even if I blocked him, he could find ways to reach out. he knows where I work, can easily find my professional number... knows my name, where I live etc... so I guess there is no reason for me to not block him. Its just a symbolic act that I need to do to really move on and leave this behind me, but still not ready to do... please convince me harder... 😅

[Jaunty]

18 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I hope it was the case, because I'm beating myself up since a few days trying to analyze where I missed the thing... 

Another perspective:  

You, and a lot of other people on these forums - generally women, it seems - are completely focussed on how "into" you somebody is when you're in the texting and meeting phases.  There is so much talk about whether the guy's eye contact is enough, his intentions,  whether he is "playing" you, etc.

The things this guy told you when he broke it off were generally things you would have got a gist of if you spent more time actually paying attention to the person in front of you with the aim of KNOWING who they are and how their life has been going instead of just how much they show their interest in you.

I mean ... this man's situation is dire.  I can't believe there were not indicators of this being shown during the time you spent.  

Even now you're more interested in whether you got played or not, or whether he's going to reach out again later.   I would be thinking more along the lines of "how did I miss all these clues that he was completely a mess in all areas of his life."  

Nobody in this age range with that many problems in their life today is going to be a reasonable boyfriend for somebody anytime soon.  Casual sex?  Maybe.

[Sindy_0311]

13 minutes ago, kehratha said:

Sindy,

I think you missed the red flags because you really really liked the guy. Italians can be very charming and very WARM, exactly what we miss/need when we are single.

I see you don't really like the sound of "love bombing" , but this was exactly what he did, compliments "miss you", consistency in texting and "feeling uneasy" because you didn't reciprocate the frequency bla bla. 

Like the others, I also think that bringing up financial issues when he already started to act cold toward you, it was an easy way out, even if they are true.

So, I would not hold my breath for this one. He's not dating you not because he's broke, he's not dating you because he simply doesn't like you enough. Even if he will contact you again, it will be not a compliment, because you don't need a guy who has second thoughts about you . You are young, smart and pretty (that' s just a feeling as I don't know you:D) , block him.

P.S I saw few times "love bombers" who were really into that person and commit to them, it was just the way they treat women 🙂 

 

From what @boltnrun and you say, I really really like him...well, while we were dating I still had doubts. 

We have been seeing each other only 3 times and often times it's not enough to be sure about someone, especially if you are not in the right predisposition. I was kinda unsure, hence also the reason why I canceled your last date before he became cold. Even when we had sex together I didn't really find him attractive and started to second guess my attraction towards him. I also had some weird gestures towards him, like not wanting to hold hands while walking, to liking him to touch my face or my hair, never reaching out to him by text, avoiding evening phone calls, cancelling the last date (he said afterwards he didn't believe me being really sick) I was like on guards and sometimes distant... and maybe he didn't like it as he went through this for many years with his ex... 

who knows...

[Sindy_0311]

7 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

"how did I miss all these clues that he was completely a mess in all areas of his life." 

I guess the answer is simple: because I didn't give myself enough time to figure him out... 

[Kwothe28]

24 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

well I don't know exactly the signification of dud, you mean he is a failure?

A dud- not working or meeting standards; faulty. Or "a blank" as Americans would say.

He doesnt fit into your standards and he didnt even treated you properly except if you dont count the times he tried to sleep with you. So there is no incentive of keeping somebody like that in your life or even waiting for him to magically change and wants you again. Its just not a viable strategy if your goal is LTR.

[kehratha]

10 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I was kinda unsure, hence also the reason why I canceled your last date before he became cold. Even when we had sex together I didn't really find him attractive and started to second guess my attraction towards him. I also had some weird gestures towards him, like not wanting to hold hands while walking, to liking him to touch my face or my hair, never reaching out to him by text, avoiding evening phone calls, cancelling the last date (he said afterwards he didn't believe me being really sick) I was like on guards and sometimes distant

who knows...

A case of "I like what I hear, not what I see"?  If this is the case, maybe that's why you are a great candidate for love bombing (been there, done that).

 

[Jaunty]

1 minute ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I guess the answer is simple: because I didn't give myself enough time to figure him out... 

Do you have a clear idea of what you are looking for?  I mean, do you want a serious relationship where the idea is to spend your lives together?  Do you want a hot romance where the thrills in the moment are the important thing, and future potential not that big of a deal?  Or, extremely short lived serial dating adventures where you can get the thrills of courtship and a sexual experience and then move on?  

It makes a difference because you can have the second two with guys who will be completely unfit for #1.   

#1 is the most demanding, of course, because most of us want the "thrills" AND very strong stability already established in their life, due to the age range you are dating in.  I mean, no guys without jobs and living on public assistance who are still hung up on their ex will be appropriate for that when you're in your 40's or later, IMO anyway.

[Sindy_0311]

2 minutes ago, kehratha said:

A case of "I like what I hear, not what I see"? 

what do you mean? I liked the idea of him? but didn't really liked him? 

[kehratha]

Just now, Sindy_0311 said:

what do you mean? I liked the idea of him? but didn't really liked him? 

You like what he's telling you, the nice words, the way he makes you feel when he's sweet talking to you, the thrill of mystery while you don't really know him, the smart things he knows and shares with you...things like that.

[Sindy_0311]

3 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

#1 is the most demanding, of course, because most of us want the "thrills" AND very strong stability already established in their life, due to the age range you are dating in.  

I want #1 and while waiting I want #2 and #3.... 

I think I'm not used to #1 being so demanding because I always had fast committed serious relationships in my life, didn't had to go through the whole process ever. And somehow, now I don't know how to handle it... I'm not used to be patient... 

[boltnrun]

When I'm not particularly interested in someone I don't hope they contact me in the future if they happen to get their stuff together. I just block and move on with my life. Especially when it was never an actual relationship.

I dated a guy for about a year and a half. During that time I fell madly in love with him. Turned out he had a drug dependency and needed to attend treatment. I wished him well and stepped away from him. I wasn't going to wait around to see if he eventually got his stuff together even though I was in love with him. I am a mother and I couldn't have a drug user around my kids. BTW, he ended up going to prison for grand theft. He hadn't kicked the drugs and stole from someone who was trying to be kind to him to support his habit. He served three years. So I was right to walk away. 

It seems this guy really got your attention. Maybe it was the flattery and attention, maybe the sex was mind blowing, or maybe you haven't met anyone interesting lately. And maybe that's why you're going to continue to allow him the ability to contact you. You're "hoping". 

[Jaunty]

36 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I want #1 and while waiting I want #2 and #3.... 

I think I'm not used to #1 being so demanding because I always had fast committed serious relationships in my life, didn't had to go through the whole process ever. And somehow, now I don't know how to handle it... I'm not used to be patient... 

You might not be ready at all for #1 yourself.  Of course there are outliers but in my experience (I'm old, divorced, have an adult child, dated for a while after divorce and now am happily partnered for the rest of my life, as far as I can know) I would never have gotten to the relationship I am in now if I had stayed in "dating" and "casual" mode with people I'd met along the way to finding her.   I'd switched gears.   The #2 & #3 situations were no longer compelling enough for me to bother with.   It was not really a conscious decision - I was just over that.

The criteria for #1 is different, and a person will need to take the time to know whether it's met and also be prepared to move on when it's clear that the criteria is not met.   

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 I can leave him access to me, knowing that I might expect or hope for a few weeks that  he will reach out, 

You can block him or not, doesn't matter. However hopefully you don't think he'll be employed and financially solvent (after the sob story about being robbed and totally wiped out) when he does contact you.

It's ok to have chemistry and a good sexual rapport with men, even if you find out some red flags and deal breakers (such as being broke) but if you would like a relationship, it means he can't afford to go out and you may have to give him money to see you and pay for the dates.