Porn again.

[greenowl88]

I realize that there are so many posts on here about porn, but I have to ask anyway.

 

What do you think of a guy in a serious relationship (with a live-in girlfriend) who has a VERY healthy sex life still looking at and having the urge to look at porn?

[RayKay]

Depends on how often he is looking at it and if it affects your sex life.

 

I live with my boyfriend, he is very much in love and very attracted to me. We have a very healthy, fun and active sex life...we are both very satisfied. And we both look at porn at times. Not a lot, but sometimes one or the other is not around (ie business, away for night) and we need some visuals to take care of personal business Sure you can do it without porn, but porn is a stimulus. He has pictures of me too...and I know he often looks at those instead. And we can look at such things together.

 

It does not bother me as it does not cross over to negatively affect US or our sex life.

[greenowl88]

RayKay,

 

I seem to really have a problem with this. It's something that I want to get over and accept, but for some reason it's eating me up inside. I've read some other posts about how a guy will look at porn if he is unsatisfied. That worries me. I don't know how I could satisfy him anymore. We have sex regularly(more than 5 times a week usually, somtimes more). All of this leaves me so confused and hurt and I just want to get past it so I can be happy.

[RayKay]

RayKay,

 

I seem to really have a problem with this. It's something that I want to get over and accept, but for some reason it's eating me up inside. I've read some other posts about how a guy will look at porn if he is unsatisfied. That worries me. I don't know how I could satisfy him anymore. We have sex regularly(more than 5 times a week usually, somtimes more). All of this leaves me so confused and hurt and I just want to get past it so I can be happy.

 

Well, how often does he look at it? Does he hide it?

 

How is the sex itself? My guess is that this may also be a confidence issue.

 

A guy does not look at porn if he is unsatisfied - perhaps in some cases it is true, but it is also healthy to fantasize and looking at it does not signal they do not want YOU.

[kenneth05]

if hes looking a standard porn a little bit, and get's some pleasure from it, and he hops in bed and treats you like a goddess and you orgasm again and again, WHY IS THERE A PROBLEM!!!!???? THERE ISN"T!

 

However, if he is running to the computer and surfing websites where monkeys, sharks, and trees are going at it well, then you really do have a serious problem.

 

 

[QTpie87]

Tell him how it makes you feel.

[greenowl88]

Well he told me that he has tried to stop. He hid it from me the whole time we've been living together. I knew that he used to look at it often with his ex girlfriend, but I just recently found out that he was addicted to it. He said that he has looked a few times since we've been living together(10 months). I know that's not much and he's trying to stop because he said he knows it hurts me, but for some weird reason I can't get it out of my head. It hurts me to know that he WANTS to look and I don't feel I have the right to stop him.

 

Our sex life I would say is great. I know that I satisfy him. We are open about our sex life. There are no problems whatsoever in that area.

 

I just want to get over it. I know it's normal for guys to do, but I honestly feel that he should be easily able to stop out of respect for my feelings. I know I would never do anything if I knew it hurt him. He says he still gets urges to look. I feel like maybe I should try looking at it with him, but I'm scared it might hurt me and then hurt the relationship.

 

Do you have any advice on how I can just get over it?

[kenneth05]

>Do you have any advice on how I can just get over it?

 

yes. just get over it!!!

 

why do you insist on criminalizing something that is absolutely normal, common, and if it get's him hot, is beneficial to you by aiding in the construct of your "great" sex life with him? if he enjoys normal (not cats, fish and owls screwing, etc.) erotic images, and it gives him a thrill, well, that would make him NORMAL. And if you have a great sex life with him, well, that makes you LUCKY and should make you HAPPY.

 

Why do so many women feel threatened by a man's enjoyment of erotica?? I really don't understand it.

 

A recent study just released finds overwhelmingly that women and men respond to erotic images in exactly the same way, both sexes are titilated by it. So, why all this heart-wrenching anguish about it? you can't actually believe that your boyfriend/husband/lover is going to track down (and then proposition) the porn actresses that he is enjoying looking at do you? I don't understand at all why so many women feel threatened by this.

[RayKay]

Well, while I don't disagree with porn, I don't think its something you can just magically "get over" and I do think while there should be respect for your feelings, there should also be respect for his. Your needs are not "more important" than his either (though maybe some will disagree).

 

I think you need to keep the communication open about it, but don't prohibit the porn. Be open about how you feel, but don't explode into tears or anger if he looks at it on occasion. And he should also respect not to leave it where you can see it and be honest if he does look IMO.

 

It is not a slight against you. And typical porn is a healthy thing..we are sexual creatures after all.

 

As kenneth pointed out, there was a study that showed men and women were equally turned on by porn images...but guess what - 100% of the women DENIED it even though their physical responses showed they were!

[greenowl88]

RayKay,

 

Are there any sites you could reccommend for couples to view together?

[Süsser Tod]

I think you are overreacting. I like to look at cars like Porsches, Lamborghinis, etc. But that does not mean I'm not satisfied with my car or that I hate it.

 

It is normal to look at porn, fantasize, and dream. If your sex life is healthy there is no problem there, it is just your imagination.

 

I look at porn, and my previous GF also liked it, we looked at it together and then showed her what I had learned!

 

 

Also remember that not all of his sex life will be related to you, he can take care of his own bussines, it is normal. Sometimes you just feel like going at it quickly and not with your couple, it is part of your own time with yourself. You should also learn to take your own time and enjoy yourself.

 

For example, my ex liked to masturbate before going to bed. Sometimes I did her, but sometimes I wasn't feeling like it, so she just take out the vibrator and went at it and slept.

 

Dont worry!!! You are creating yourself a problem out of nothing.

[RayKay]

RayKay,

 

Are there any sites you could reccommend for couples to view together?

 

Well, actually if you do a google of "women's erotica" or "women friendly erotica" you will find more soft core, couple-friendly material (pictures and literature). I don't have any direct links in mind, usually come up with some good hits googling.

[greenowl88]

Thanks everyone, especially RayKay!!

 

Any other advice is welcome.

[RayKay]

Thanks everyone, especially RayKay!!

 

Any other advice is welcome.

 

No problem. Just want to add only do what makes you feel comfortable though...if looking at it does not make you feel comfortable after you try it once, don't do it again.

 

Another idea is for you to pick up a book at store with "women's erotic lit" in it, and read to one another from it, and then even write your own stories for one another. You can then role play and put yourselves in the stories (ie change names in the stories to your own). It's porn, without having to see other naked girls which might feel more comfortable for you.

[Iceman26]

I agree with RayKay, do what makes you comfortable. If you arent into it, then dont do it.

 

I personally don't understand it, the only person I want to look at in that way is the person I am with.

 

Then again I dont understand guys under 50 that go to strip clubs either.

[ReadyorNot]

I have a problem with porn too.. when I first met my bf he told me ( i never asked) that he wasnt like other guys.. he said he was into looking at cars and wasnt interested in porn..

 

One day I went into his email (he knew that I did this, but he forgot to get rid of the evidence) and he had all these welcome emails to yahoo clubs (porn ones)

 

I was so upset, when I confronted him he said it was no big deal, it was JUST PORN. I asked him why he kept this a secret for 6 months...

 

Im sorry, it bothers me... I dont see why he should look at porn when he has me.... He finally gave up and said if it bothered me so much (although he didnt see why it should) that he would stop looking at it... He doesnt have access to a computer unless he is here so he doesnt look at it anymore (he is too cheap to buy magazines)

 

Honestly I would rather get over it. Its not so easy. Maybe if I was perfect and thin, I wouldnt mind.. but I am slightly overweight. I feel that if girls in porn turn him on, then how could I possibly???

[GettingOverIt]

Just to reinforce what's been said... The keys are that you TALK about it (no shouting, no crying, just talk about it). Make sure HE understands how you feel about it. If you are interested in looking with him, I think the 'softcore' stuff is a good way to start, but why not have him show you what he's looking at? Not accusatory or anything like that, just to share it with you?

 

Like was said before, do not look at or do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable... If you see something that does make you feel that way, be sure to TALK to him and tell him...

 

Understanding each other's desires and limitations is essential... You both may have to compromise in the end... Take it slow, but have fun with it!

[Hope75]

I lived with my bf for 2 years and we had a breakup and we are now working towards me coming home.

 

He does look at porn as do I but our sex life is very healthy and open, and we talk about everything. We do sometimes view it together and also each do it alone.

 

I think as long as you guys are open about it, your sex life is not affected, and the material he views is appropriate (i.e. no child porn etc.) than I don't think it's a big deal at all.

 

As Ray Kay has said, we are all sexual creatures by nature and porn is a stimulus that we use to provoke sexual feelings and find sexual gratification.

 

Try not to worry about it too much. It has very little to do with whether or not you are satisying him sexually.

[greenowl88]

Thanks so much!! Due to the helpful advice, I feel much better!!

[mandymay]

arg!!! what is with males and porn????? I think that if you love someone you will not be wanting to look at someone else's body and lusting over it. I think it is just wrong no matter what. there is no "its all a prefrence" if my boyfriend looked at pron I would feel betrayed and that would hurt me more than anything in this world. to feel that he felt he wanted to look at another womans body, and that hurts. I dont care what guys say to defend their behavior. or girls who look at porn for that matter, it is just as wrong as sleeping with someone else. it hurts you just as much. and it is just another sick escuse to lust after other people while with someone.. and I have never heard someone in a LTR say "oh the thing that keeps us together is his/her porn sites" and another thing that is lost in this is trust... if I lose my trust in my significant other, I have nothing left....

[southpaw]

Men and women have some differences in what actually gets them off, personally, looking at body parts doesn't really get me off, like I wouldn't be turned on by seeing a picture of a hot guy and then masturbating to it. I may have some sort of physiological reaction but for whatever reason I'm not compelled to masturbate based off a photo. I'm going to make some generalizations and then people can all jump on my back about it. Whatever. Here's my analogy, porn is to men as romance novels are to women. Men could argue "how am I going to live up to a fictional character that says all the right things, has the perfect body, hair, brooding sexy disposition, etc..." I have certainly masturbated to my fair share of romance novels, sometimes while in relationships and it has nothing to do with my boyfriend or my satisfaction in the relationship. I find it sexually arousing and sometimes I like to masturbate to it. It doesn't diminish my love for my boyfriend nor change the fact that I wouldn't trade his often obnoxious self for anyone. It's hard to say that men shouldn't look/masturbate to porn when many females wouldn't find a picture of a gorgeous, beautifully sculpted, naked man sexually arousing enough to make them want to masturbate. I don't think a picture of my boyfriend, in all his naked glory, would be an image that I would want to masturbate to (and I find him incredible sexy but a pic is not enough)...but the fantasy of him touching me, etc...yeah that would do it. This might be a digression, my point is that I probably can't knock seemingly normal male behavior or pretend to understand all of its implications since I'm not a male...there are quite possibly biological differences).

As far as the question of couple friendly porn, I read about Vivid Girl productions (something like that) which are supposed to have more semblance to a plot and it's geared towards couples.

In regards to making peace with your significant other looking at porn, well maybe ask him about it, maybe try and talk to him candidly about it and explain your insecurities. See if you're convinced one way or the other if him watching porn has anything to do with the health of your relationship and decide what it is about it that's bothering you. There are plenty of guys that have hot girlfriends that still look at porn, it says nothing about how attractive he thinks you are.

For those of you that have moral qualms or feel like this is some slight on you/you're being insulted, well, you can choose to feel that way and break up with him if you feel so strongly about it. There are guys out there that really don't look at porn and you can date one of those guys. Plenty of girls don't read romance novels. I go in and out of phases myself.

[SlipperySammy]

This topics confuses me. First off what is with people making such a big deal about a guy looking at porn as if he is crazy or perverted or somthing. The second thing I don't understand is this thoery that we as men 'hide' it. I mean if my girlfriedn came home I probbaly wouldn't volunteer to her the info like, "Hey guess what I did whil you were gone!" But it isn't like I am hiding it...I would be honest if she asked me.

 

If I masterbate looking at porn online I still fantasize about by GF, I just like the pictures to get arroused.

 

I look at porn causually 1-2 times a week, I don't buy any, and don't look at little kids or any thing and I am still fantasizing about by signigigant other what is the big deal?

 

I have been masterbating since I was a little kid why would I stop now?

[Bethany]

There is NOTHING wrong with looking at other couples, men or women indulging in sex. I would consider a man to be a prude and plain odd if he DIDN'T look at it. Sex is normal and so is Porn.

I think it also means he has a healthy appetite and healthy outlook on sex.

[ShySoul]

There is NOTHING wrong with looking at other couples, men or women indulging in sex. I would consider a man to be a prude and plain odd if he DIDN'T look at it. Sex is normal and so is Porn.

I think it also means he has a healthy appetite and healthy outlook on sex.

 

Just because a man chooses to look at it does not make him odd or a prude. For all you know he could be very wild in bed, he just prefers to actually have sex and fully enjoy and dislikes watching other people have sex. Because a person, male or female, does not view porn does not say anything about their outlook on sex or their sexually appetite.

[BlueBaron]

My experience has been that porn is just simply an enhancer for a guy or gal to masturbate to. It just helps make the personal experience that much better compared to having nothing there.

 

Some people(mostly girls it seems) feel threatened by it, and I understand where they are coming from b/c well their significant other is looking at another nude body.

 

However, I've NEVER heard of a guy splitting up with his g/f b/c he wanted to go date a porn star instead, or b/c he'd rather just have the porn instead of her! Now i think it's pretty well excepted that a person will masturbate if their sexual appitites aren't appeased, if this makes that experience better, how is that NOT benefitting the relationship?

 

I know its not exactly an easy thing to do, but the people that are very uncomfortable with their partners doing that sort of thing should try to let it go in my opinion. Unless they are addicted to it in which case they should get help but other than that, porn can really help keep a relationship going instead of destroying it.