Feeling like I’ll never find anyone better.

[Batya33]

Watch the feet not the lips. Maybe he lied about his general intentions or maybe he changed his mind.  Get to know someone over a period of months.  I’m sorry you’re disappointed. 

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, KrazyKat said:

Im starting to realize that this wasn’t a great guy. He just had so many surface level qualities that I’m attracted to. And it’s difficult to find that anywhere else.

I’m just trying to process everything that happened to me. I just can’t help but feel misled and manipulated. It just feels awful.

I'm glad you're starting to chip away at that pedestal you've put him on.

You want more than an attractive façade. That's not difficult to find. It's just not going to be handed to you on a platter. You need to develop the skill and patience to weed out the ones whose good qualities are only skin-deep. 

Yes, you were misled and manipulated, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he consciously set out to trick you and that it's all his fault. Just like you've been lazy in your selection process, he may have been lazy in his communication process. 

Take note of how you feel right now, so that you don't let it happen again in the future!

[KrazyKat]

2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

 

Yes, you were misled and manipulated, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he consciously set out to trick you and that it's all his fault.

I feel like if someone is manipulating and misleading a person, that’s kind of the same thing as tricking someone. Manipulation is a conscious choice.

And yeah, I could’ve chose better. I could’ve been better at noticing red flags. But to say I’m at fault for that is kinda… eh, victim blaming.
 

Keep in mind this is my first relationship. I’m inexperienced and he knew that. I was also upfront and honest about the fact that I was a virgin and that I needed patience from him. He knew I wasn’t someone who was into casual sex. 
 

I’m starting to realize that he took advantage of my naïveté, and to me, that’s kind of predatory. I don’t know, I’m not saying he was some evil villain, but he’s definitely a bad person. A selfish person.

[Batya33]

33 minutes ago, KrazyKat said:

I feel like if someone is manipulating and misleading a person, that’s kind of the same thing as tricking someone. Manipulation is a conscious choice.

And yeah, I could’ve chose better. I could’ve been better at noticing red flags. But to say I’m at fault for that is kinda… eh, victim blaming.
 

Keep in mind this is my first relationship. I’m inexperienced and he knew that. I was also upfront and honest about the fact that I was a virgin and that I needed patience from him. He knew I wasn’t someone who was into casual sex. 
 

I’m starting to realize that he took advantage of my naïveté, and to me, that’s kind of predatory. I don’t know, I’m not saying he was some evil villain, but he’s definitely a bad person. A selfish person.

I think it’s good you shared your inexperience with him. It’s unfair to burden him with expectations beyond two adults dating. You have to own your inexperience and proceed with caution.  He may have lied and or changed his mind or a combo of both.  Once he sent you sex pics you knew that was inappropriate- kind of commons sense yes?  I hope you feel better and that you don’t let this experience lead to jadedness or negative stereotypes.  
 

Most of the men I dated - over a 24 year period - treated me with respect and like a lady and I didn’t have casual sex. And I was naive and inexperienced once upon a time too. 

[Jibralta]

10 hours ago, KrazyKat said:

Manipulation is a conscious choice.

I disagree. Some people lack the self-awareness to recognize that they are being manipulative. Sometimes it's the result of a personality disorder. Sometimes it's the result of their upbringing and to them it is normal behavior. Sometimes people are in denial about it--white lies, omitting facts, passive aggressive behavior, silent treatment, etc... the list goes on and on.

10 hours ago, KrazyKat said:

And yeah, I could’ve chose better. I could’ve been better at noticing red flags. But to say I’m at fault for that is kinda… eh, victim blaming.

It's not even remotely victim blaming. If you want to do better next time, you should be asking yourself what you could have done better. 

10 hours ago, KrazyKat said:

I’m inexperienced and he knew that. I was also upfront and honest about the fact that I was a virgin and that I needed patience from him.

Hard truth: Nobody is responsible for you but you.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, KrazyKat said:

Keep in mind this is my first relationship. I’m inexperienced 

Exactly. It's your first relationship and after a couple of months it didn't work out. However for the future you learned a lot. For example sending that video was a red flag and next time just end it. There's no need to be upset with yourself. It's just a learning curve.

[Jaunty]

12 hours ago, KrazyKat said:

I feel like if someone is manipulating and misleading a person, that’s kind of the same thing as tricking someone. Manipulation is a conscious choice.

Sometimes.  But dating for a few weeks doesn't really construe "misleading."  A person can feel very into someone, and then realize that it's not working for them.  All the things they did when they were interested were not "misleading."  The person changed their mind.  Lost interest.  Started feeling awkward when with the person.  So they're out.  That's dating.  

Again, the guy behaved like a boor, but I would not say that manipulation or misleading were at play here.  Sure, he tried to get you to have sex.  That's also par for the course, something you need to be prepared for.  Seems that you handled that part of the situation well.

12 hours ago, KrazyKat said:

And yeah, I could’ve chose better. I could’ve been better at noticing red flags. But to say I’m at fault for that is kinda… eh, victim blaming.

I don't see you as a victim, and I don't think it serves you well to put yourself into that role either.  You went on a few dates (in 2 months, couldn't have been many) and it didn't work out. The guy behaved like a cad.   You were hurt.  I can empathize with that.

12 hours ago, KrazyKat said:

Keep in mind this is my first relationship. I’m inexperienced and he knew that. I was also upfront and honest about the fact that I was a virgin and that I needed patience from him. He knew I wasn’t someone who was into casual sex. 

Well ... he wanted to have sex right away.  You didn't.  Your needs and wants were not compatible with his.  So ... time to move on.

12 hours ago, KrazyKat said:

I’m starting to realize that he took advantage of my naïveté, and to me, that’s kind of predatory. I don’t know, I’m not saying he was some evil villain, but he’s definitely a bad person. A selfish person.

He was just a  jerk.  Welcome to dating.  I hope you can find a way to handle things like guys you date turning out to be bozos, or simply not be compatible, or maybe not be into you when you ARE into them.  If you can't, you are not prepared for dating yet.   Unfortunately, the only real way to learn about these things are by experience.  

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I disagree. Some people lack the self-awareness to recognize that they are being manipulative. Sometimes it's the result of a personality disorder. Sometimes it's the result of their upbringing and to them it is normal behavior. Sometimes people are in denial about it--white lies, omitting facts, passive aggressive behavior, silent treatment, etc... the list goes on and on.

It's not even remotely victim blaming. If you want to do better next time, you should be asking yourself what you could have done better. 

Hard truth: Nobody is responsible for you but you.

Yes. And please don’t go there with victim blaming.  Nothing to do with that. If he lied the result is you were disappointed by dating someone for a short time period who showed you wirj actions they were inconsistent with jis words. If he lied. He may have meant what he said then changed his mind cause it’s more fun to seduce and send *** picks. 
I invited two different men I didn’t know that well into my hotel room in one case and into his bedroom in another- told both no sex - and in one case he was drunk. In one case he held my wrists down and tried to have sex.
Took no for an answer on my third try. I was assaulted not raped. The drunk guy tried to force me to have oral sex then thankfully passed out drunk. I didn’t.

 Back then my mom would have said “well you shouldn’t have invited them into the room/gone in bedroom. I was in my 20s for both I think.  The hotel room was shared with another woman - other side of the wall. 
that’s typical victim blaming with women. Please be careful not to tag on to that sort of scenario.

 

It really dilutes it and doesn’t serve you because in your case you can take ownership of ignoring the signs. And the truth is I learned to be even more careful. The truth is in both cases I was feeling needy and like “I’m single and in my 20s and if it feels right I’ll do it as long as I’m clear with the strangerI don’t want sex. In reality being more careful was better than being “I am woman hear me roar “. 

[KrazyKat]

Okay, “victim blaming” may be a strong word. But I just couldn't find any other way to describe it. He saw someone who was inexperienced and naive, and he took advantage of that. That is what should be focused on. Not; “Oh, but what could the naive person have done differently? It's their fault for not seeing the signs.”

 

And yes, I did learn some things from this relationship. I will be more careful from now on. But it doesn't mean I’m at fault for his ***ty behavior. 
 

And to the people who are saying “he just might've changed his mind.” We were not just dating, we officially became exclusive. He seemed to be very serious about me. He was introducing me to his family, incorporating me into his friend group, asking to meet my parents. He showed all the signs that he truly wanted to be with me. I just think it's kind of weird to suddenly change your mind after all of that.
Not saying it doesn't happen for valid reasons, but considering all the other things he's done... it just brings his motives into question.

Sure, he has a right to behave the way he did. But I'm just coming to the realization that his behavior was ***ty. 
 

Regardless, thank you guys for helping me realize that he was not as great as I thought he was. I'm going to seek out emotional support from somewhere else. Cause that's really what I need right now more than anything.

[Batya33]

Many people seem ir are serious when they’re infatuated. And some act on it especially if they love playing at being a couple. I’ve been sort of proposed to and met parents - who worked at the bridal store they owned !- etc several times very early on.
Those men actually did “mean it” but of course we didn’t know each other. So it wasn’t really based ok knowing me.   I often didn’t respond in a serious way or I slowed things down since my goal was long term. 
some speed of light relationships do really well!  But it’s really risky. He wanted to play at being a couple and send you inappropriate texts and photos. Because he was chasing infatuation and not choosing to keep things at a reasonable pace while getting to know you. 
I absolutely changed my mind about men I was really into in the very beginning.
These reasons included - the man being really needy and clingy /controlling, man being pushy about sex/ man getting drunk and acting like a jerk in a huge way two months in , man showing me his untreated anger disorder two months in (but not targeting me thank goodness ), etc.  the first couple of months - and at 6 months too - can be really telling.