Nothing makes sense without her

[miklos210]

The love of my life and I just recently broke up and nothing has made any sense since then. It was mutual and ended on really good terms. She has finally come to accept a part of herself that has been missing all her life. She is attracted more to females than to males. When we first met it was really love at first sight. I had given up all hope of romantic relationships until I saw her. I walked into work and she gave me this little smile and at that point I didnt know what I was feeling. Butterflies, palm sweaty, nervous. Things that I have never felt. Im cutting out a lot of details for the sake of length of this post. We ended up becoming the best of friends from 2013-2016. We created a bond that I have with no other person. It took me 3 years to finally tell her how I felt because I was too damn shy to admit it to her and the thought of losing her scared me. I knew she liked girls but she didnt know how strong she liked them. We began dating around August of 2016 and there was a period of back and forth of what it was that she wanted. We officially got together in November of 2017 and have been together since now. We have 2 children together and just recently bought a house last year. The oldest child I have been raising him since we started dating and the youngest is my blood son with her. The oldest is 10 and the youngest is 4. This past year she met a friend who is a lesbian. They became friends and eventaully i started to see they liked one another. In December my girl wanted to have an open relationship with this other woman. After the intial shock and a lot of thinking I decided to agree with it. For the sole fact that this woman has sacraficed everybit of herself for me I said to myself why cant I sacrafice this for her. Well it came to a point that my girl finally came to terms that she was more gay than she had thought. We talked and talked and talked all night and she told me that she wanted to go back to being best friends again. I told her what donyou mean again? I said we have always been best friends, your the love of my life. My rock, my sense of peace, my everything. After that i had her face me in the bed and my forehead touched hers with my eyes closed. I called her by her full name and not her nickname that she always uses. She hates her legal name. I told her thank you for all these wonderful years and that I set you free and I want to see her spread her beautiful wings. I kissed her and we went to bed. Now after a lot of talking she still wants to live in the house and doesnt want to leave. We dont want to have the kids in a broken home. The youngest is autistic, non verbal and needs us both. We live in a 2 bedroom house with a king sized bed she still sleeps in the bed with me but we stay seperate during the night. We have made boundaries about not engaging in physical touch apart from hugs and a kiss on the forehead. The forgead kiss we started when we were first friends as when we kiss foreheads it is us kissing eachothers souls. I know she is the girl for me. I have never had a for sure thing about anything in my life except for her. Shes my soulmate whether were together or not. She made me a promise. That she would always come back to me in the romantic way and I promised her that I would always take her back.Even if it means we have to change up our relationship dynamic. I dont want any other girl in this world except for her.  I cry and it only lasts a few seconds. I have yet to have that long big cry that lasts for hours. I dont know when its going to come but i keep trying to push it out but i cant make it come out. Shes 31 going on 32 and Im 32. She told me to go socialize but I have no friends. I dont know what to do anymore. Nothing makes sense anymore. What am I supposed to do?

[Big Stan]

You need to get a divorce and move on.  The thing is even if you accept a no sex marriage where she sleeps with other people eventually she is going to want romantic love with her sexual partners and she is just going to keep pushing you further and further away.  

Better to cut the cord now and move on with your life. 

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, miklos210 said:

I had given up all hope of romantic relationships until I saw her. I walked into work and she gave me this little smile and at that point I didnt know what I was feeling. Butterflies, palm sweaty, nervous. Things that I have never felt. Im cutting out a lot of details for the sake of length of this post. We ended up becoming the best of friends from 2013-2016. We created a bond that I have with no other person. It took me 3 years to finally tell her how I felt because I was too damn shy to admit it to her and the thought of losing her scared me. I knew she liked girls but she didnt know how strong she liked them. We began dating around August of 2016 and there was a period of back and forth of what it was that she wanted. We officially got together in November of 2017 and have been together since now.

Sadly, I feel you were more into her, than she was into you 😕 .  

You always knew of her 'uncertainty', when it came to her true choice... right?  And this is the chance you took.

Now you have to deal with the end results, as she's pulling away.  I Know, it hurts! 😞 .

You're light tears are most likely because it hasn't truly hit you yet. ( denial?).  The beginning stages of 'grief'.  You will go through many different emotions over time. So, it'll come about soon enough.

Why is it you have no friends?  That is really sad that you have no one to lean on, vent to etc. 😕 

As for your kids, many kids have been raised in 2 diff households.  As long as they aren't caught up in the tension between the parents etc.  Are you guys seeking any help re: your autistic child?  other than them attending school-  I can tell you now, you will be even more challenged once those 'hormones' kick in come the teen years.  So, consider doing this.  See what is out there for you ( some type of 'relief' and groups they can attend etc.. all the way up to meds, considered with their challenges).    My ex had a dtr like this and I have one with me who's high functioning, so although a challenges sometimes- can be tolerated most times. 😉 

Maybe consider therapy, this can help you 'work through' many issue's.  I also found journaling helpful - another way to 'get it out'. Every time you want to go at her, go write it out ( on paper or wordpad, I use).

As for this idea of 'going backwards', I found that never worked for me.  it was either we're all in or we're all out.  I could not go back to 'friendship', after that line was crossed.  So, you may feel now you can do it.. or at least try to.  But, imo, in time, once you work through all these emotions, you may come to feel you can't or don't want to sit back and be 'just a friend' to her.

Anyways, is good that you reached out here today. I found doing stuff like this IS helpful.  Remember you're not alone . 🙂 

Vent away, post when you feel.

One day at at time, I often say.  Give yourself time to process everything and go through the process of your loss.  TC

 

[MissCanuck]

I'm sorry, OP. 

She is not the woman for you if she doesn't want to be with you. You are clinging on for dear life, but eventually, this is going to fall apart. She won't want to live with you forever. As she dates and gets closer to someone else, she is going to want to be free of you and in her own place.

It's not healthy for you to essentially live in denial like this. You haven't had the big cry yet because you haven't really accepted that the relationship is over. You're still trying to hang on to any scraps, but the time is coming when you will have to face reality and let go. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, miklos210 said:

. We have 2 children together and just recently bought a house last year.  my girl wanted to have an open relationship with this other woman. she still wants to live in the house and doesnt want to leave. 

Sorry this is happening.  How much time does she spend with her lover?  Do both of you work and contribute roughly equally to the finances, household duties and childcare?

Does the older child spend time with his father? It's a sad situation but you seem willing to accept an open relationship. Try to work out the logistics as far as the financial childcare and household responsibilities.  

As far as your romantic relationship and intimacy, it must be painful to sleep in the same bed with someone who is checked out. 

Since you insist on continuing to live together as a family, you could try making better arrangements with regard to sleeping together and make sure she continues to be responsible for her end of things.

Hopefully you're not watching her son while she's with her lover, for example.

Unfortunately, "nothing makes sense With her" because of her desire to have multiple lovers and bedfellows in her life and expects everyone to work around that. 

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry, but somebody needs to say this: You are getting played there.

I mean do you even know how incredibly toxic this is?

5 hours ago, miklos210 said:

She made me a promise. That she would always come back to me in the romantic way and I promised her that I would always take her back.

She wants to have a cake and eat it too. To have a lover but still still have a home to go back to if it fails. And you being a "doormat" allows her just that. Stop being that and stop pretending everything will be alright, that she is just in a "lesbian phase" and that she will come back to home. She chosed another person over you. That means that she doesnt get to come home and sleep in the same bed as you as everything is OK. That means she can collect her stuff, her kid and go to her lover. And that you file for separation and try to get a custody for your kid.

[miklos210]

16 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Sadly, I feel you were more into her, than she was into you 😕 .  

You always knew of her 'uncertainty', when it came to her true choice... right?  And this is the chance you took.

Now you have to deal with the end results, as she's pulling away.  I Know, it hurts! 😞 .

You're light tears are most likely because it hasn't truly hit you yet. ( denial?).  The beginning stages of 'grief'.  You will go through many different emotions over time. So, it'll come about soon enough.

Why is it you have no friends?  That is really sad that you have no one to lean on, vent to etc. 😕 

As for your kids, many kids have been raised in 2 diff households.  As long as they aren't caught up in the tension between the parents etc.  Are you guys seeking any help re: your autistic child?  other than them attending school-  I can tell you now, you will be even more challenged once those 'hormones' kick in come the teen years.  So, consider doing this.  See what is out there for you ( some type of 'relief' and groups they can attend etc.. all the way up to meds, considered with their challenges).    My ex had a dtr like this and I have one with me who's high functioning, so although a challenges sometimes- can be tolerated most times. 😉 

Maybe consider therapy, this can help you 'work through' many issue's.  I also found journaling helpful - another way to 'get it out'. Every time you want to go at her, go write it out ( on paper or wordpad, I use).

As for this idea of 'going backwards', I found that never worked for me.  it was either we're all in or we're all out.  I could not go back to 'friendship', after that line was crossed.  So, you may feel now you can do it.. or at least try to.  But, imo, in time, once you work through all these emotions, you may come to feel you can't or don't want to sit back and be 'just a friend' to her.

Anyways, is good that you reached out here today. I found doing stuff like this IS helpful.  Remember you're not alone . 🙂 

Vent away, post when you feel.

One day at at time, I often say.  Give yourself time to process everything and go through the process of your loss.  TC

 

Thank you for the reply, I have no friends because honestly no one has ever truly liked me for me. I have always been the outcast person of a group. The one who was always picked last. Thats how my life has always been. My dad is an alcoholic and my mother is a narcissist from hell who only cares about herself. I start a new job next week and one of the perks is some free counseling sessions that im going to look into. I have always put her and the kids above myself because I have worked two jobs and never had time for myself but her and the kids. They were always put first as I was the only provider after she quit working when the baby was born. She has started her own business but it hasnt really took off yet.

[miklos210]

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening.  How much time does she spend with her lover?  Do both of you work and contribute roughly equally to the finances, household duties and childcare?

Does the older child spend time with his father? It's a sad situation but you seem willing to accept an open relationship. Try to work out the logistics as far as the financial childcare and household responsibilities.  

As far as your romantic relationship and intimacy, it must be painful to sleep in the same bed with someone who is checked out. 

Since you insist on continuing to live together as a family, you could try making better arrangements with regard to sleeping together and make sure she continues to be responsible for her end of things.

Hopefully you're not watching her son while she's with her lover, for example.

Unfortunately, "nothing makes sense With her" because of her desire to have multiple lovers and bedfellows in her life and expects everyone to work around that. 

She spends about 2-3 days with this person and the other days she is at home with me and the kids. The older child's father passed away due to addiction when he was 1 years old. I am the only person who he knows as his dad. I pay the mortgage and she pays the light, water and all of our food and our entertainment money. She makes less than me and with everything combined her portion of household finances come in about 300 leas than what i pay on the mortgage. 

[Andrina]

18 hours ago, miklos210 said:

Shes my soulmate whether were together or not. She made me a promise. That she would always come back to me in the romantic way and I promised her that I would always take her back.Even if it means we have to change up our relationship dynamic. I dont want any other girl in this world except for her.  I cry and it only lasts a few seconds. I have yet to have that long big cry that lasts for hours. I dont know when its going to come but i keep trying to push it out but i cant make it come out. Shes 31 going on 32 and Im 32. She told me to go socialize but I have no friends. I dont know what to do anymore.

Whatever emotional baggage you have from your childhood needs to be addressed and dealt with in counseling. You're an adult now, so learn the skills to move forward instead of being mired in a toxic past.

Learn the power of the reel going on in your brain, and change up what you say to yourself. She's not your soulmate, since for her, she's shown you and told you you're not her one and only. And it's a mistake to make the promises you made to each other, because that means you will never, for the expected remainder of your life, probably 50 to 60 years, never date another woman. It's idiotic to sacrifice your one life on this planet for someone who's chosen not to be exclusive with you.

You should even consider she's using you, telling you what she knows will touch on your heartstrings so she's not homeless, or forced to live in lesser digs, and being without a live-in caretaker while she gets 3 days away from the kids to have fun.

From now on, conversations need to be about the kids only, and not about staying friends or soulmates or occasional lovers. That ship has sailed, and you will forever be without a partner, because no new woman will accept dating you when you're living with your "soulmate."

Time and distance from the dynamic you have now will help you see more clearly that you need to learn a new dynamic of solely being co-parents.

I suggest you take at least a day that she normally expects you to watch the children, and instead you begin a new hobby where you can meet new friends. You cannot keep all of your eggs in one basket, because you can see that things can change on a dime, and it's more devastating when the only person you socialize with ends that relationship, or it greatly lessens.

Stop blaming shyness. I am shy, but always pushed myself to join clubs, volunteer, and have always put effort into being a good friend, even as all those friendships have evolved or sometimes ended, which is quite normal.

It takes a while to get used to separating from a longterm partner, but taking small steps in that direction to begin with is a good start. Read some books and articles on what you should be doing in this case. It's not like you have to have her move right now, but that should be the eventual goal. Working out a co-parenting plan doesn't have to involve you two living together. As said, divorced parents have accomplished this, and there are even single parents making that situation work. Take care and let us know how it goes.

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, miklos210 said:

I have no friends because honestly no one has ever truly liked me for me. I have always been the outcast person of a group. The one who was always picked last. Thats how my life has always been. My dad is an alcoholic and my mother is a narcissist from hell who only cares about herself.

I am sorry that this has been your experience. 

It explains a lot. Meaning, it makes more sense that you're clinging on to a dead relationship if you're otherwise totally alone and feel generally rejected. I don't mean that it's healthy for you, but I can see why it's happening. 

However, this woman is not the key to your happiness. She isn't the one for life. I would follow up on counselling so you can learn some strategies to help with your self-esteem. When you feel better about yourself, you won't make the same choices you're making now, which ultimately are going to hurt you. 

[Volio]

You need to prioritize your son (especially given he’s autistic) and yourself above all else. I understand you loved this woman and this hurts. However, it sounds like you both are and will continue to be on good terms, which is good for your child.

You’ve sacrificed a lot for this woman, being so willing to let her pursue her interests with other women. You need to do the same for yourself and find a way to move on. I think you’re being hard on yourself about being an outcast. You belong with someone else other than this woman, and I think she would agree.

It’s good that there’s no bad blood or urgency to leave your situation. But, I think you need start planning a separate life from her step by step while working out a way to raise your son together. I can’t imagine what complexities come with a separation when having an autistic child, so I wish you the best in finding a way to work that out. It will undoubtedly require a creative solution and a lot of work from both of you.

Regardless, you deserve a woman who is completely interested in you. Take what time you need to work out a plan for the children and yourself, but always be open to finding someone new. And as another poster said, please don’t let her take advantage of you. She needs to prioritize the children above her own love life as well and can’t be dropping responsibilities with the kids on you while she goes off with her new girlfriend. You also need to show some backbone and not give her all she wants out of you while she pursues her interest in someone else. Be amicable and a friend, but don’t sacrifice anything more.