10 years later... still resentful

[10degreesleft]

Been broken up with my ex-gf over 10 years... I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman, and 2 beautiful kids, but I still hold a lot of resentment towards my ex, that I still think about a lot. 

We were together 8 years. I have no intention of getting back in touch with her or even speaking to her, but how we broke up, we tried to do the friends thing until I enforced no contact a year and a half later when she got weird and combative when she found out I was seeing my current partner... it was casual at the start, and took over a year to develop into something serious... but for a good 6 months I had flak from my ex on how I didn't tell her I have a new gf etc... 

On the flip side, I know she hooked up with various people, was semi seeing someone, at one point and got very close to 2 friends of mine... I never mentioned any of this to her ever... I don't do this, because I shouldn't really know, and to say I know would rat out 2 or 3 people she confided in...

She is still friends with some of my friends, they don't know any of the above, so bring her up from time to time as they still think we're friendly... I just say I haven't spoken to her in years and leave it at that.... 

What annoys me is, she completely changed her persona when we broke up, she started liking music I liked (she hated it when we were together), she started going to nightclubs with groups she said she always hated, she lives somewhere we visited, and I said I'd love to spend some time living there, guess what, when we visited, she hated it too... she destroyed my mental health with this "friends" act ... she used to give out to me for not liking stuff on Facebook, even though I told her I unfollowed her, she took it as I didn't want to be friends (it was sorta true), during the final stages of our relationship, I found out more about her day via facebook, than direct texts... 

Her being a total hypocrite, and owning it, and people actually liking her for it absolutely infuriates me... it makes me feel like she's made me into a chump, this victim who didn't want to be friends with her because she was more successful than me at the time, when all I wanted to do was go our separate ways and leave it at that when the friends thing wasn't working...

How do I let this resentment go? 

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, 10degreesleft said:

. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman, and 2 beautiful kids, How do I let this resentment go? 

Sorry this is happening. Focus solely on your partner and children. Delete and block this ex and All her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. If possible avoid mutual acquaintances.

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

This might help unpack and sort out some of these feelings and help you explore why you believe she "destroyed your mental health".

[Cherylyn]

Well,  you wouldn't be human if you didn't let resentment go.  I too feel embittered and resentful regarding some people in my current and past life. 

What I've found to be truly healing towards my own recovery was self care.  I currently immerse myself into taking care of myself such as health,  eating well,  plunging into being productive and industrious,  staying active,  pray a lot,  surround myself with very moral people (friends / local relatives / in-laws), husband,  sons and I love my hobbies. 

My neighbor is expecting her third baby in a few months (all kids spaced very close together! 😳 ) so I'm already planning on what dinner to cook for her family when she comes home with a newborn and I'm thinking of some type of craft ~ perhaps crochet a baby sweater, for example since I've already sewn a large (either or gender) baby quilt for her first newborn.  I like fun projects.  😊

In other words,  I become so busy that I'm too exhausted to think about feeling resentful and bitter about whoever wronged me sorely. 

My resentment fades away whenever I refocus myself with healthy distractions.  You ought to try it.  Redirect yourself by concentrating on everything blessed in your life.  Spend more time and energy on the mother of your children and family life.  💗  People who don't matter in your life are trash.  Pretend they're dead.

Delete and block permanently.  Sever ties.  This is how you walk away and move on for real.

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this. 

My initial thoughts, reading through your post, is that you are giving your ex way more power than she—or, really, any human—should have over you. Good news on that front? Looking at it like this—as something you are doing, in giving her this power, rather than something she's out there doing to you—gives you the controls to start shifting it, maybe by shifting the story a bit. 

Some general thoughts that may apply: I think in any relationship there are always two narratives at play—yours and theirs, each weighting the same on a scale. When things start falling apart it's often because the gap between these two stories has become unbridgeable, the scale starts wobbling violently, and so when it ends...well, that's when each person's individual story becomes the story. At least to themselves. Inevitably when we get wind of how the other's story doesn't jibe with our own, we feel thrown, flustered, angry, which is a big reason people recommend no contact and all that. 

Alas, reality being what it is, "no contact" is rarely possible: maybe kids are still involved, maybe there are mutual friends, social media, and so on. You can't seal it off 100 percent. So you've got to create your own filter for what gets through, one that accepts the differences in storylines rather than takes them personally. In other words, try to remind yourself from time to time that she's just out there trying to get by, best she can, rather than trying to turn you into a chump. 

1 hour ago, 10degreesleft said:

she destroyed my mental health

Related, I think this kind of statement can be approached from a different angle. As in: being with her did a number on your mental health, as things soured, but you took action to protect that mental health, address it, and ultimately make choices to get yourself into a relationship that doesn't have the same corrosive effect. That's not changing the facts so much on what gets emphasized, and it puts the power back in your hands and diminishes the power you're giving her.  

 

[Cherylyn]

If you share mutual friends,  you can still permanently go no contact with your ex-gf.  Why not?  You don't owe your ex-gf anything.  Delete,  block,   hide,  etc.  Sever ties forever.  Circumnavigate her.  You can still enjoy your friendships with mutual friends whether in person or online.  I've done it and it works.  No harm,  no foul.  I automatically eliminate people who don't bring joy to my life. 

[redswim30]

I hear you and I empathize, OP. 

I see people all the time I think are terrible people that put on a phony act and people seem to LOVE them. 

I have seen exes be better partners to their new partners and wonder why they couldn't do that for me. 

I see people tell lies and watch other people swallow them hook, line and sinker even when there's no ounce of truth to them.  It can be frustrating.  I think it's very natural and human to have these kinds of feelings/reactions/emotions.  The point is what you DO with them. 

For myself if I'm having a moment of irrational anger (and it sounds like you too, know it's not wise to stay stewing in resentment)-  Here's some things that have helped me. 

1.  Say out loud to myself things like " How does someone liking them really impact my life?"  "Them living their own life, doesn't really effect mine." "My ex being happy now doesn't change my past, why am I robbing myself of present and future joy?" "How does my ex being happy really change my present life?"  Really think these thru, most of the time I end up feeling silly after a little while and it's easier to let go. 

2. Focus on myself.  Treat myself to something that's all about my enjoyment- a spa day, a meal I like, a video game, etc

3. What I like to call- FEEL IT ALL AND LET IT GO-  (it's a Buddhist principle)-  Allow yourself (while alone) to feel every single negative thought and emotion- say every awful thing- I tend to like screaming it in the shower when I'm home alone)- Sometimes just getting it all OUT- just feels cleansing and again, I often feel silly after saying or screaming it out loud, but THEN- I LET IT GO. 

These have all been helpful tools for me. 

[10degreesleft]

Thank you all... just for info, I haven't had my ex on social media for over 7 years, I don't even have a number for her, the only way she is ever brought up in conversation is by other people. 

[Kwothe28]

Some exes do leave a more permanent mark on us. You were 8 years together so its generally normal thing to at least have some unresolved issues there

13 hours ago, 10degreesleft said:

How do I let this resentment go? 

Forgive and forget. Lots of times have passed and you moved on with your life. You are (hopefully) hapilly married with 2 kids. There is no reason to still be resentful to her. That doesnt mean that you have to like her. Just to forgive so it would affect you anymore. Say to yourself that its in the past and that it has no bearing on you now.

[Big Stan]

18 hours ago, redswim30 said:

I hear you and I empathize, OP. 

I see people all the time I think are terrible people that put on a phony act and people seem to LOVE them. 

I have seen exes be better partners to their new partners and wonder why they couldn't do that for me. 

I see people tell lies and watch other people swallow them hook, line and sinker even when there's no ounce of truth to them.  It can be frustrating.  I think it's very natural and human to have these kinds of feelings/reactions/emotions.  The point is what you DO with them. 

For myself if I'm having a moment of irrational anger (and it sounds like you too, know it's not wise to stay stewing in resentment)-  Here's some things that have helped me. 

1.  Say out loud to myself things like " How does someone liking them really impact my life?"  "Them living their own life, doesn't really effect mine." "My ex being happy now doesn't change my past, why am I robbing myself of present and future joy?" "How does my ex being happy really change my present life?"  Really think these thru, most of the time I end up feeling silly after a little while and it's easier to let go. 

2. Focus on myself.  Treat myself to something that's all about my enjoyment- a spa day, a meal I like, a video game, etc

3. What I like to call- FEEL IT ALL AND LET IT GO-  (it's a Buddhist principle)-  Allow yourself (while alone) to feel every single negative thought and emotion- say every awful thing- I tend to like screaming it in the shower when I'm home alone)- Sometimes just getting it all OUT- just feels cleansing and again, I often feel silly after saying or screaming it out loud, but THEN- I LET IT GO. 

These have all been helpful tools for me. 

Number 1 and 3 are what my wife tells me to do all the time when I get stuck ruminating on something that pissed me off.  It's easier said than done but when I'm able to follow it I do feel better. 

[Cherylyn]

My husband always says that if you allow perpetrators or those who've wronged you to get into your head,  they've won.  There is truth to what he said.  It's his way of saying that you shouldn't allow some people to consume your brain space because they're not worth it.  They're certainly not devoting as much energy thinking about you as you are for them so why do it?   Don't give them what they don't deserve.  You've got to move on with your life,  do what makes you happy,  be productive,  industrious,  keep busy,  take good care of your health,  surround yourself with very moral people, have "me time" and "self care" time for yourself.  This is how you heal and recover. 

Life will always feel unfair but the trick is,  don't allow unfairness to defeat you nor get the best of you.  You carry on,  keep going forward.  The past is the past.  Keep marching ahead.  Start each day anew and better than the previous.  This is how you triumph within yourself. 

[catfeeder]

On 5/26/2023 at 3:15 AM, 10degreesleft said:

Thank you all... just for info, I haven't had my ex on social media for over 7 years, I don't even have a number for her, the only way she is ever brought up in conversation is by other people. 

Consider telling them that you'd prefer to not discuss her? Rinse, repeat as needed.

I agree with @bluecastle about reframing the stories you run in your own head, because it's a technique that has really helped me over the years. There's nothing 'wrong' with choosing a narrative that hurts you the least and serves you the best.

For instance, instead of feeling deceived that this woman has since adopted some of the places or practices that she didn't enjoy while with you, you could decide that she had to concede that you were right and your taste won out. Or maybe she could have become a social zero by nixing everything others may have suggested--and maybe you'd have preferred that for her?

We each own the right to flip our script and find the most advantageous ways of spinning an outcome. So the question becomes, do you WANT to do that and liberate yourself? Or might you be gaining something from drilling yourself into a deeper hole of resentment, such as a belief that this habit keeps a piece of her tied to you some way?

Head high. It might just benefit you to experiment with being more gentle with yourself and the way you frame outcomes with someone who's importance YOU get to decide.