I'm so miserable and sad

[Gimy]

Hi everyone,

I’m currently in university in a different country than mine.  I’m the only black person in my class and I have no problems with this. But I can swear that everyone in my class doesn’t like me. I tried not to conclude too soon but it’s been a year now and nothing changed.

In the beginning, I tried to make friends, be cool and connect. But it seemed on their side it was more surface level and after the first weeks they all went to form cliques. From then on, each clique would do everything together even lunch . Even though I’m a struggling student and can’t always spend a lot of money, in the beginning I would try to go have beers when they go but it always ends there.  Sometimes I try to go sit with them to talk but most times I’m ignored or what I say isn’t that care for.

I eventually stopped trying to be friendly and would just sit on my own.  But it’s so painful, they see me as dumb. I’ve been in group projects where my contributions are not acknowledged and then attacked when I decided to stay quiet. Or literally been cursed at cause I’m trying hard to work on a group project and get blamed for trying to outshine others. Even when I make a very good project, some guy once asked if I actually did it or copied from somewhere cause yeah I probably don't have the talent or smart enough. 

 

Even with most lecturers, they usually seems to be more interested in the others. I was once in a group with a girl and she messed up our work cause she decided to take up the bigger work and gave me the smaller portion. I got to the day we meet up and saw it was messed up, I didn't know how she did it as she didn't follow the teachers guidelines so I couldn't fix it.

I went to the teacher to ask how to fix it, he was asking me questions about it so I told him it was the other girl who did this part so I don't know how she did it and can't explain. He kinda got mad and said it's my group and I shouldn't blame the girl. I told him I wasn't blaming but I only called her cause he asked how come it was that way and I was just explaining that I don't know cause I didn't do it. He gave me a really low grade while the other girl got a higher grade. It was so weird because in every group project, everyone if in charge of something and I've see teachers ask who is in charge of what so they can explain their own process but in my situation it's different. Till date, this teacher and the girl are always cold towards me. 

The group project currently, I did some work but the others in my group wouldn't give me the feedback I need to make something else, they would only say something else is missing but won't say what. Now someone else got added to my group to replace my spot and just makes it seems I'm not talented enough which is very embarrassing.  But what this other person is doing is not ground breaking or something I couldn't do with more time and better feedback. 

 No one sits with me, I’m  always the last to be added in a group because everyone chooses their clique. Even if I make a contribution to that group, the other person just tries to regurgitate what I say or do and they they are praised but when I say it , it’s BS. It honestly feel like everyone decided to just not be friendly to me unless it’s for a school project.

Yes, I know they don’t have to be friends with me but it hurts so much , like it’s enough I’m already the odd one being the only black person but also being neglected and stuff even hurts more.

Today was just the height for me, I usually just sit by myself at the back. Today I decided to sit in the front . I actually expected that they people from the project I’m working with would actually sit by me. But they all went back to their cliques. It was just me sitting all alone in the front row.  It’s even more painful cause people would grab the seats from my table to go seat on a table that is literally so full.

As if this didn’t even hurt more, after class my group of 3 for our project had a meeting. One of the members got up to take a break and asked the other girl if she wanted to take a break and didn’t even ask me. They both left. 

I just don’t know how to deal with this anymore. I’m just this black dumb girl to them. Even when they talk about pop culture, travel and cool stuff. They would ask everyone their opinions but never mine cause yeah I’m probably dumb and wouldn’t know. 

I just don't know how to deal anymore, I feel sad, miserable and exhausted.

[Jibralta]

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling. I went through something similar in college. I didn't change countries and I'm not black. But I wasn't really accepted. In retrospect, I think I was too aggressive and outspoken--which is normal for where I grew up. And I was so used to diversity that I didn't really comprehend that other people weren't used to it. I lacked sensitivity.

I'm not saying these are the reasons why you are finding yourself an outcast. I'm just saying that I know what it's like, and I can relate. It was a very difficult period in my life, and it lasted the entire time I was in college! Eventually, I did find friends there, but they weren't really good friends like the ones I had back home. When I did finally return home, I was disoriented and unsure of myself, and surprised that people seemed to know me better than I knew myself!

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, Gimy said:

I just  don't know how to deal anymore, I feel sad, miserable and exhausted.

Sorry this is happening. You seem a bit homesick. Please talk to your  advisors about it. Check out some extracurricular clubs, groups, and sports. See what else is going on on campus. 

Try to mingle with like-minded people rather than just those in the class especially if they seem cliquish or snooty. 

[Big Stan]

This is really sad to read.  From the limited reading I've done of your post you seem articulate and certainly not stupid.  I agree with the other posters that you should try finding friends outside of your class.  I know from my own experience that it's really hard being othered.  All I can really do for you is reassure you that you are worthy of friendship and to tell you that you will find friends.