Was she just being nice or...

[TheLambOfDeth]

30 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's disrespectful IMO to not respond to an invitation -and then expect the person to respond promptly to you - certainly there are instances where you tell the person if it's unusual "I'm sorry I didn't respond sooner.  It seemed like you were going to be very busy in the coming weeks so I figured I should wait."

People aren't mind readers especially with typing.  I recently set up two friends virtually -he travels to our city regularly and she was fine with the long distance component.  I regularly introduce people and I will not be the go between after. He told me they spoke and as a "gentleman" he gave her his contact info and said she should call him and he'd love to talk again -he didn't ask for hers as he is a "gentleman."  He didn't tell her this was why.  He then told me after a couple of days he hadn't heard from her (they are in their 60s). 

I told him if it were me I'd never call.  With rare exception especially since there was no plan to meet. I would expect the man to call me to talk again and perhaps talk about when meeting up could be possible -when he is traveling again to our city.  I suggested he message her on Linkedin again when he is making plans to visit our city and reach out to see if she is interested in meeting.  But to him the ball is in her court and he would find it pushy/intrusive to ask for her cell number.

This defies common sense from my perspective but since I don't wish to be involved I told him to do what he feels comfortable with.  She's a spunky, smart, independent, professional woman and when it comes to dating my sense is she would react same as me. 

Just like your person - she's obviously a leader type, and social and a good communicator and I would suspect when it comes to dating or getting to know a man she is accustomed to the man stepping up and stepping up reliably. And she has already shown so much effort to get to know you -she's no wallflower. 

You don't want to be a "bother" but then you turn around and get judgey of the person you are so adamant about being "appropriate with".  I'm glad you notice that.

Well no, I said then and there I don't really like dancing, and she asked me to go even if just for a few minutes, and I said I considered it. So it's not like I didn't give an indication, and she just mentioned it while we were drinking the night before, so tbh she probably forgot that she asked me. But it's not like o just ignored it.

And I think just looking at this from my perspective you have to consider where I'm coming from. The last thing you want is to be considered trying to hard too someone just trying to be nice.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

The last thing you want is to be considered trying to hard to someone just trying to be nice.

Responding to an invitation promptly is basic manners.

[WaywardKiwi]

2 hours ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

Well no, I said then and there I don't really like dancing, and she asked me to go even if just for a few minutes, and I said I considered it. So it's not like I didn't give an indication, and she just mentioned it while we were drinking the night before, so tbh she probably forgot that she asked me. But it's not like o just ignored it.

And I think just looking at this from my perspective you have to consider where I'm coming from. The last thing you want is to be considered trying to hard too someone just trying to be nice.

Hey Lamb,

Im glad the thread was unlocked and brought back on topic. 

I think from your tone with regard to this last turn of events, you know on some level that you are self-sabotaging. She invited you to an event the following night, and then insisted when you expressed reluctance. After you specifically expressed you did not enjoy dancing, her insistence indicates that she believes there would still be value in your attending. Her company is that value. She was attempting to progress and contInue the current night by inviting out the very next, indicating approval and interest in your company. She did all this in person, which as previously discussed, is her preferred communication form.

You wrote off this interaction as just baseline friendless, flat out ignored the invitation (as an anxiety sufferer, I don't believe you forgot - you didnt want to go and were too anxious to tell her directly at the time),  and then to specifically choose txt messaging to address your error, the format which you know feeds your anxiety and she has a proven deficiency in. I am on your side, I see potential here and believe if you apply yourself you have a great chance, whether at a romantic relationship or developing your social circle and self esteem. But your actions here can very definately be read as disinterest, and you should course correct.

[Jaunty]

Please try to view a person being interested in you as a human being as NOT necessarily "pitiful" or somehow negative "friend-zoning" or whatever it's called.

Nobody is going to go to much effort to include another person unless they find them interesting on some level.   Don't get me wrong; I am not trying to convince you that she wants to date you, though there is a reasonable chance of it.  We can only get things through your perspective, which is certainly not unbiased.

 

[TheLambOfDeth]

1 hour ago, WaywardKiwi said:

I think from your tone with regard to this last turn of events, you know on some level that you are self-sabotaging. She invited you to an event the following night, and then insisted when you expressed reluctance. After you specifically expressed you did not enjoy dancing, her insistence indicates that she believes there would still be value in your attending. Her company is that value. She was attempting to progress and contInue the current night by inviting out the very next, indicating approval and interest in your company. She did all this in person, which as previously discussed, is her preferred communication form.

I can guarantee I like her far more than she does me, but yes, objectively I must come off as mostly disinterested. From my POV it's not that I'm trying to sabotage anything, I'm attempting to appreciate boundaries while having a crush on someone one...it's not exactly easy. She invited me to something that was the next day, that she was already going to...I just took it as a nice thing to do. Just a statically nice thing anyone would do for anyone given the scenario.

1 hour ago, WaywardKiwi said:

You wrote off this interaction as just baseline friendless, flat out ignored the invitation (as an anxiety sufferer, I don't believe you forgot - you didnt want to go and were too anxious to tell her directly at the time),  and then to specifically choose txt messaging to address your error, the format which you know feeds your anxiety and she has a proven deficiency in. I am on your side, I see potential here and believe if you apply yourself you have a great chance, whether at a romantic relationship or developing your social circle and self esteem. But your actions here can very definately be read as disinterest, and you should course correct.

Well yeah...just a standard nicety. That's what I took it as. And I didn't ignore the invite...I expressed there in the moment, that I don't favor dancing and noted I would "consider" it. I think that's a heavy suggestion for a "no" in most any case. And how else was I supposed to reach out again if not text? Calling would be weird...And I'm trying to correct course. If she actually responds to my text, I'll make a conscious effort going forward to no longer exhibit actions that could be interpreted inversely to what I actually feel/think. I will try to stop being so aloof

[TheLambOfDeth]

58 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Please try to view a person being interested in you as a human being as NOT necessarily "pitiful" or somehow negative "friend-zoning" or whatever it's called.

Nobody is going to go to much effort to include another person unless they find them interesting on some level.   Don't get me wrong; I am not trying to convince you that she wants to date you, though there is a reasonable chance of it.  We can only get things through your perspective, which is certainly not unbiased.

 

It's not that I think it's pitiful or anything. The issue is I have to balance having some feelings for her, while she's just being nice, and attempting not to come off too strong. It's a delicate balancing act not easy to navigate. 

Not saying you're wrong, it's just difficult to accept for me. Especially in the moment. Like I can notice and give more credence to some things after the fact, but in the moment they're easy to lose sight of. It's just so easy to brush everyone as "they're just being nice."

 

[Batya33]

33 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

It's not that I think it's pitiful or anything. The issue is I have to balance having some feelings for her, while she's just being nice, and attempting not to come off too strong. It's a delicate balancing act not easy to navigate. 

Not saying you're wrong, it's just difficult to accept for me. Especially in the moment. Like I can notice and give more credence to some things after the fact, but in the moment they're easy to lose sight of. It's just so easy to brush everyone as "they're just being nice."

 

So then when she or anyone doesn’t respond to your text in the time they think you should perhaps assume they’re experiencing the same issues you are and stop assuming and judging and getting all negative. 

[TheLambOfDeth]

Wow...she replied...

[TheLambOfDeth]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

So then when she or anyone doesn’t respond to your text in the time they think you should perhaps assume they’re experiencing the same issues you are and stop assuming and judging and getting all negative. 

But, at least in this case, she's not anxious and quite extroverted. I know she's busy, but it wouldn't make sense to assume she's experiencing similar issues. But I do have to stop being so negative...

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

But, at least in this case, she's not anxious and quite extroverted. I know she's busy, but it wouldn't make sense to assume she's experiencing similar issues. But I do have to stop being so negative...

You have no idea how she feels inside. I'm very extroverted too.  Including when I'm quietly panicking etc.  And don't assume -you barely know her.

You don't stop being negative -you stop the behaviors and choices where you react to negative emotions that are not rationally based. Like if you had a bad dream that you lost your job would you wake up and  think for more than a second you were going to be fired that day? I'm feeling very negative today about our upcoming trip - so your comment particularly resonated with me.

  It's really important that I not react by complaining about all I need to do, expressing irritation at the minutae of planning while I have to get actual work and housework done, etc -because to do so would be unfair especially to my son who's excited to go - so rather than "repressing" my negativity I show myself how to keep it existing but on the radar. 

I do my packing, I notice how things are progressing, I look at a website of a place I can take my son that will be cool/fun all while acknowledging that I get negative about leaving my comfort zone to go to a different time zone, foreign country, for a long time -10 days to me is a long time. 

Often therapy/counseling can help you figure out and develop which tools work best for you.  But unfortunately feelings are feelings and you can't just turn them off at will. 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

It's not that I think it's pitiful or anything. The issue is I have to balance having some feelings for her, while she's just being nice, and attempting not to come off too strong. It's a delicate balancing act not easy to navigate. 

 

You are doing "me busy" schtick very wrong. The trick is to appear to be busy but still available to her. To be there, but still not be there. For example, in your case, the trick was to go but go earlier because you have other obligations. If you wanted to be busy, you should have done it like that. It would show that you have a life outside of her but still make time for her. 

You just not even notifying her at all undermines the whole point of you being there for her. Yes, you are suppose to do that and be there in her sight. Maybe ignoring works for some women. But dont think you would want a partner like that. You should have at least send a message that you cant come and see if you can see each other some other time. Because again, not even notyfying her is a bad move overall. 

1 hour ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

Wow...she replied...

what did she said?

[TheLambOfDeth]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

You are doing "me busy" schtick very wrong. The trick is to appear to be busy but still available to her. To be there, but still not be there. For example, in your case, the trick was to go but go earlier because you have other obligations. If you wanted to be busy, you should have done it like that. It would show that you have a life outside of her but still make time for her. 

Go earlier? Don't you mean to go later? Going earlier would be before the event starts, showing up late would make more sense.

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

You just not even notifying her at all undermines the whole point of you being there for her. Yes, you are suppose to do that and be there in her sight. Maybe ignoring works for some women. But dont think you would want a partner like that. You should have at least send a message that you cant come and see if you can see each other some other time. Because again, not even notyfying her is a bad move overall. 

what did she said?

I...can't disagree with that. Complete disinterest is never the proper route. But again, the "we can see each other some other time" sounds a bit too forward.

I asked her if she wanted to go the the place we hadn't rescheduled for yet, and she said "Yes! Let's pick a date"

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

Go earlier? Don't you mean to go later? Going earlier would be before the event starts, showing up late would make more sense.

I meant go earlier from event on pretences that you have something else to do. 

1 hour ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

I asked her if she wanted to go the the place we hadn't rescheduled for yet, and she said "Yes! Let's pick a date"

OK, pick a date and try to enjoy it. 

[TheLambOfDeth]

3 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I meant go earlier from event on pretences that you have something else to do. 

Ah...leave early. Got it. Makes sense. I'll keep that in mind for the future.

3 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

OK, pick a date and try to enjoy it. 

Pending she doesn't cancel again...

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

Ah...leave early. Got it. Makes sense. I'll keep that in mind for the future.

Pending she doesn't cancel again...

Why go there to the negative assumption? 

[TheLambOfDeth]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Why go there to the negative assumption? 

Tbf, she canceled the first time, and I had to reach out to initiate the rescheduling.

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

Tbf, she canceled the first time, and I had to reach out to initiate the rescheduling.

I thought she gave you an alternative for the after party but maybe I'm misremembering. I hear you about being cautious about someone who cancels without apology or attempt to reschedule -or who doesn't show! Many people have things come up and it depends if they handle it with thoughtfulness.  IMO.

[TheLambOfDeth]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I thought she gave you an alternative for the after party but maybe I'm misremembering. I hear you about being cautious about someone who cancels without apology or attempt to reschedule -or who doesn't show! Many people have things come up and it depends if they handle it with thoughtfulness.  IMO.

Well yea she did, but when mentioning the need to reschedule this particular meet, she didn't offer an alt or bring it up again.

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

Well yea she did, but when mentioning the need to reschedule this particular meet, she didn't offer an alt or bring it up again.

Right. You’re entitled to your standards of course and you then take on the risks of foregoing opportunities. I’m fairly selective when it comes to reliability and what you wrote and assume I personally can’t relate to or give more input on so just proceed with what you’re comfortable with including not responding to other’s invitations because of your internal issues. Good luck. 

[TheLambOfDeth]

This is why I always default back to assuming what I always do...I'm always proven correctly in this regard...

[Batya33]

Why ?  She has to look for an alternative.  Give it time. 

[TheLambOfDeth]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Why ?  She has to look for an alternative.  Give it time. 

...who takes over 24 hours to find a time when they're available?? No one is that busy. Idk why she didn't just say she wasn't interested....trying to be nice I guess. But actions speak louder than words.

[kehratha]

2 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

...who takes over 24 hours to find a time when they're available?? No one is that busy. Idk why she didn't just say she wasn't interested....trying to be nice I guess. But actions speak louder than words.

Maybe, giving what she does for a living, it's not so easy to know when she will be free. I am guessing a lot of events can occur on daily basis.

Just wait a little bit longer before jumping to the conclusion.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

...who takes over 24 hours to find a time when they're available?? No one is that busy. Idk why she didn't just say she wasn't interested....trying to be nice I guess. But actions speak louder than words.

I agree with you @lamb.  If this were a man in this sitch sending those messages, people here would be calling him a timewaster or a flake.

Interested people act interested. 

She's sending mixed and even double messages, not good.  Have no idea what her deal is but I would let it go, I'm sorry! 

 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

...who takes over 24 hours to find a time when they're available?? No one is that busy. Idk why she didn't just say she wasn't interested....trying to be nice I guess. But actions speak louder than words.

I do quite often if it requires a specific block of time or during a time period I’m going to be awya or really busy. My friend texted me yesterday and asked when I can catch up by phone. We’re in Europe till the 20th. I can’t tell him when after because I don’t know what I’m coming home to as far as work and how I’ll feel with jet lag so I told him I’d be in touch around the 21st and we’d set up a time.
My friend’s husband is in my city for the 3 days after we get back. Neither of us is making s plan to meet for coffee because we’re getting back and he’s not sure about his meeting schedule. So rather than check now and make a plan for then that will be totally tentative we each need time to figure it out. And that’s just for coffee or lunch.